Diabetes and Me

Well, it has finally happened, I was diagnosed with Diabetes.
Sugar and I have to break up.
This will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do.
I don't need medicine or shots.
And I plan to keep it that way.

I also was prescribed medicine to help with my anxiety, mood swings, and sleep problems.
I haven't had a restful night's sleep in months.
I feel like an Alien living in my own body at times.
I drop things. I can't form sentences. I can't think of simple words.
I get confused. I zone out. I take twice as long to complete anything.

I'm surrounded by stress.
Work is stressful.
Buying a house is financially stressful.
My kid is stressful.
My coping skills have been tapped out.
I feel like I'm being attacked from all sides.
I even feel like Sophie the Puggle has been too demanding lately.

I have no patience.
I just want to curl in a ball in my room and never come out.
I've gained 25 pounds since March.
I have been eating sweets, carbs, and fatty foods because they comfort me.
And now I have to pull my head out of my ass and knock it off.
I don't have a death wish, but at times I realize I am eating myself to death.

The kid and I have given up pop.
She drank regular and I can tell she has lost weight.
I drank diet and I haven't lost a pound.
I do notice I don't crave sweets as much.

I can get control of my eating.
I ordered a diabetic food tracker and signed up for an on-line diabetes management site.
I think I'm going to try and find a class to take in Jan. after all the moving has settled down.
I close on the house Thursday.
Then I will spend weeks moving and unpacking and cleaning.
I can do this. I just have to keep reminding myself I can do this.

Hey Hey Now

Hey now we are getting little glimpses of spring with the big hits from winter in between.
I love winter but I'm so over it now.
I'm ready for some sunshine and flip flops.
I haven't shaved my legs since November!!!!
I'm really hairy right now.
I'm excited to shave, get a pedicure and just go outside and not freeze!
Come on spring!!!!

I think everyone in Ohio feels the same.
At least all my neighbors do!
We got up to nearly 70 degrees this past Sunday and it was amazing!
I saw people I hadn't seen in months outside.
We got all caught up on our silly little chit chat.

I took Sophie the Puggle to the dog park.
She is OUT OF SHAPE big time!
She was worn out and started getting snippy with the other pups.
She ran, played, and sniffed butts for an hour straight.

We went and got ice cream.
We had all the windows down.
It felt like FREEDOM!!!

This weekend is supposed to get into the 50's and I am going to enjoy every second of it!

I suggest if you've let winter get you down get outside and soak up that sun!
Because, at least in Ohio, the weather is more Bipolar then I am!

40 Draws Near

On November 28, 2012 I will turn 40 years old.

I don't see what the big fuss is about for woman and this age.
I'm divorced, broke, renting, but I thankfully have a job.
I am not concerned with aging.
I figure it is all part of the plan of things.
We all grow old.
We all die.
It is two things that make us so much alike.
I don't understand all this anti-aging stuff.

I feel some days like i'm a hundred years old.
Other days i feel like i'm 20.
I see the age spots showing up on my hands and cheeks.
I am beginning to see some wrinkles around my eyes.
If anything I just look too exhausted to be alive anymore.

The days are dragging again.
I feel so used and useless.
I am on anti-depressants again, but I have not felt better.
I think I'm going to have to try something else.
I hate being on pills.
I have tried to walk more but it is no longer helping either.

I'm on a down swing and I can't find a way to turn it around.

I am bi-polar and it sucks!

I have to accept that my moods are an ever changing spectrum of every color you can think of.

Today I am a stormy sky, tomorrow I think I'll be a perky pink.
I hope I'll be a perky pink!

I Only Speak Up in My Mind

I see injustice and rudeness all the time, but i only speak up in my mind.
I don't like confrontation. I know I should say what I'm thinking and stop it, but I just shake my head and move on. What is it about me that makes me run and hide at the mere thought of calling someone out on their behavior? I'm a coward.

The only time I feel comfortable telling someone off is if they're younger then me. Like the two girls here that got into a girl fight. I broke it off. And told the girl that started it that she is to use her words and not her fists and the next time she came on the property she'd be arrested for trespassing. if that had been two adults fighting i would have just walked away. their adults, let them beat the crap out of each other. why do i care?!

the older i get the odder and more set in my ways i become.
my phobias grow and i want to stay in my home all the time.
i want to buy a house and never leave it.
if i had the money to do that i'd get everything off the internet.
i know this is not healthy. we are to want human contact, but i don't.
every time i try to meet people and put myself "out there" i get hurt.
you'd think i'd have tougher skin by now but i don't.

i'm twisted and broken down.
i don't want to interact with anyone in person.
people are rude, selfish, disgusting, and full of germs.
i am too, but they're my germs so i must live with them.
even my own kid is getting on my last nerve lately.

i guess i just hope this is a phase and my new medication will kick in and it'll pass!

The Bottom of the World

I feel like i'm at the bottom of the world and every one and every thing is pressing down on me. I can't move. I can't feel. I force myself to breath and it takes all my effort! I'm so worn out! Exhaustion doesn't begin to cover this overwhelming desire to sleep all the time. Today is the first day in over a month I've had any energy. I got a lot accomplished. Now I'm ready to sleep again for another month.

This disease I have has swallowed me whole again.
I swallow the anti-depressant every night at 7:30 in the evening. Some days that's the only time I get out of bed. My head hurts every day. I try different over the counter medications to no effect. The doctor says it'll take time as it always does to overcome the depression. I keep thinking one of these days I'll have no more time to wait it out.

Nothing motivates me.
Nothing interests me.
Nothing excites me.
Nothingness is all that gets me.

I haven't written creatively in awhile either.
I hate the side effects of the medication that's supposed to save me.
The lull I fall into kills me and placates me.
I feel as if the keys on the computer are like the keys on a piano; this is how I make my music. This is how I soothe my hurting soul. I don't know what to do when I can't do this, I feel lost!

A wave of apathy has swept all of me out to sea and no one is coming to rescue me!

Depression makes me fat

i've gained nearly 7 pounds since last week when i lost the baby.
i've fallen into a crippling depression.
i'm always going to bed.
if i'm not in bed i'm eating.
i eat everything and anything.
i'm not even hungry.
it is like i'm trying to fill up the emptiness inside of me.

physically i feel better.
all the yucky bleeding and cramping has stopped.
next week i go to the doctor to see if it is all okay
and to find out when i can start to try to get pregnant again.
but emotionally i'm a wreck.
i know this is a deep depression.
i've been through this before several times.
i don't want to go back on medications to get out of this.
if i'm on meds i can't try to get pregnant.

i didn't realize how much i wanted another baby until i found out i was pregnant.
and now that i've lost the baby all i want is to try again.
i really need to focus on having a baby.
i need to find my motivation again.
i've been kicked down but i can't stay down.
this is my pep talk to myself.
pull yourself up shannon irene and get back on that horse.

you are pretty.
you are smart.
you are awesome.

you know all 3 men (excluding my father) have told me i'm pretty my whole life.
the kid's dad, my ex-fiance brian and scott.

bret told me that there's was nothing about me, face or body that would make him look twice.
it was because he remembered me and my personality from high school that he started talking to me.
he said i was such a happy go lucky person when we were in high school.
that was such a long time ago.
like scott said, we are only small pieces of the people we used to be.
my demons have eaten a huge amount of the happiness i used to have.

happiness, we are guaranteed the pursuit of it in the u.s. constitution
and this nation pursues happiness with a vengance,
but we are more depressed, medicated and fatter then ever.
i think we are all failing on a huge scale to keep the happiness we find.
i bet alot of people are like me.
i think i know what makes me happy so i go after it, get it,
and it either bores me, or it wasn't what i had thought it would be.
then i'm not happy anymore.

i think we are a nation of discontents.
we are all children running around in a candy store.
or a bunch of bulls running loose in a china shop.
i can't carry happiness when i'm being crushed by my infinite sadness.
i want to be happy, but i want to be happy all the time.
and nothing is 100% all the time on.

it hurts to know that scott will reject me again and again.
it hurts to know that i'm never going to be me again.
but i have to go forward because going back is never an option.

A Bruise on My Nose

saturday i woke up and went to the grocery store.
that went well, except i saw the carmello bars on close out at 53 cents each,
so i bought all that was left, since the cashier explained to me close out means
that store won't carry them anymore
so now i have a drawer full of carmello bars screaming my name
so far i've had one and gab has had one.

i get home and i'm putting away the groceries.
i am putting the kid's dinosaur fun nuggets, seriously, she's almost 21 years old,
in the freezer, i pull the freezer door open and slam it right into my nose!!!
usually when i injure myself in such a stupid manner i laugh,
this time it hurt so fucking bad i was totally dazed.
i had my glasses on to boot, so that made it hurt worse.
now i have a bruise on my nose.

only me right, sheesh!!!

scott came over to get his money.
i was going to drop it off to him, but i saw the bunny was home
and after konking myself on the nose i was in a pissy mood
and did not want to see her.
i could not guarentee i wouldn't be a total bitch just cuz i can be.
so he came down to get it.

he showed the kid how to check the oil in berta.
he walked around that jeep like a lover checking every inch
touching it gently, it was like watching some man-gasim in progress.
he really really loves that car, sweet berta.
but i'm greatful he checks up on it.
the kid and i just drive the shit out of the cars.
they don't have emotional meaning to us.
to each their own i guess.

i went to hug him and he hesitated big time.
i apolgized he got to see the very ugly side of my mental illness.
he let me give him a hug.
i've done some damage there, i'm not surprised.
bret and scott both won't ever trust me again.
scott and i had a 5 month run that's typical for me.

the most significant relationships in my life (all 7 of them)
last 5-7 consecutive months in a row.
i'm the one that cannot sustain a long term relationship.
i'm the loser.
i'm the committment phobe.
i'm the disease.

went to a neighbor's 6 year old's birthday party.
she was a ballerina.
i stuffed like 6 of those spring rolls in my mouth.
damn they were good.
the mom made all these little dainty chocolates.
they are from brazil and there was all this food i've never seen before
we left after an hour cuz the whole roasted pig was stirring up my gag reflux, thank u baby!!!

i was going to drive me and the other neighbors over to next door
but they wanted to walk, but i had already pulled up the car
so i just parked it up front, in the bunny's spot
when we walked back i couldn't find my keys and i was freezing
and ready to yack from eating all those spring rolls
so i just left the car their

i went and got it this morning when i walked sophie
i'm so thankful to have a garage
the kid took my ice scraper.
i hate scraping a car.
today the kid goes back to school
and i got to be alone and broke

but i think of the little baby inside of me and smile.

Happy New Years 2011 RIP

Here's what i sent Scott today via Facebook -
my new year's resolution is to get a boyfriend. and that's not u. so u r hereby cut off. please don't come around anymore. i will bring down the rest of the money i owe u when i get it. like u said it's not fair and i deserve more then 5 minutes. have a great new year and i wish u and beverly a long boring life together.


now it is time to become invisible to him.
new walk the dog routine.
silence is queen.

i'm lonely.
i have to find a man to be here with me.
instead i keep finding men that want to use me.
it is time to turn it around.

i'm depressed.
today i will wallow in my misery.
tomorrow i will pick myself up and overcome this disease.
i deserve better!!!

Post Funeral Caffiene Withdrawal

what a long long weekend.
we went to dad's thursday night so we could head to TN first thing Friday morning.
Meemaw's funeral was on Saturday.
My brother got lost because he insisted on going thru cincy instead of following dad and us through indy.
he showed up 3 hours later then we did.
he missed the turn in bowling green for 68.
every one asked him how his uncle jerry shortcut was.
he went to nashville and almost to memphis.
on the way home he followed dad, i drove sunday morning cuz he takes meds and my neice isn't a morning person.
he started talking about cutting over to cincy once we hit louisville.
i told him i wasn't driving thru cincy, if he wanted to do that i was getting back in dad's car and he was on his own.
that shut him up.
you'd think he would have learned after the way down there.

saturday was crazy.
my uncle's dog nearly killed my brother's dog.
aunt polly and my cousin jody got into it over meemaw's bible.
aunt polly had a meltdown.
i had an over zealous hugging cousin.
he hugged me so tight i heard something pop.
we went to mcdonald's and ronald was there, i hate clowns.
he got up in my face and i froze.
my dad went, bud, she hates clowns.
he went i'm not a clown.
my kid went, just back off.
and he did finally.
we sat where i couldn't see him.
you'd think if you were told someone doesn't like you you'd take the hint.
this clown was obnoxious.
i fucking hate clowns!!!!

i cried so hard at the graveside service.
just looking at the silver casket drove it home.
meemaw is with God and Jesus now.
if anybody was going to heaven it was Meemaw.
she was so strong in her faith and devotion to God.
i wish i could be more like her.
i got to make some changes.
life can be so much more then what i'm doing with it.
the preacher said if there's a wall or fridge in heaven,
he's sure Meemaw will have our pictures up on it in no time.

we went back to meemaw's and told stories and watched old videos.
it was great to see my family.
i even laughed so hard i pee'd myself a little.
of course, gab had to tell everyone.
but that's just more to laugh at.
for the most part we get along pretty good.
my aunt jenny doesn't think i'm bi-polar,
she is a professional in such matters.
my kid said stand next to her long enough and you'll catch a mood swing.
my aunt jenny admitted she hasn't been around me alot to determine it,
but she hoped i'd be okay.
i told her i take it one day at a time and exercise helps.

sunday was 11 hours in the car.
i think i did good driving my neices car.
i only got anxious over the bridge in louisville.
the other bridges i couldn't see because of the fog.
it's the thought of going off the bridge and falling into the water that freaks me out.
i just don't want that long drop into the cold water.
it's too much.

now it's back to normal.
i drank dt. pop non stop since thursday.
so it's back to no pop.
and losing the 3 pounds i've gained this past week.
i've had a headache since tuesday.
caffiene withdrawal will not help it.

the world seems duller without meemaw praying for my soul.
i love you meemaw.

I hate to wait

so i'm home working this afternoon waiting on fed ex to deliver my new ipod with the fitness application.
i'm so anxious. i was so worried that since it shipped to the wrong place i'd never get it.
but luckily they rerouted before the first delivery attempt and now it is on its way to me!!!

i'm not a patient person.
i hate to wait.
i tie myself up in a ball of anxious energy.

once the ipod arrives that is one less thing for me to be waiting on.

the naughty neighbor, scott, has my undivided attention at the moment.
i am waiting on him, he said soon, is that tomorrow, or friday.
it's usually fridays, it was this past friday.

we were talking about the car and then somehow we ended up on the living room floor with me riding him.
how come i'm the only one that ends up naked?
we dry humped, how high school is that!
then we went into the 1/2 bath where he reached climax during a titty fuck.
i have yet to get off.
this is a very lop sided sexual relationship thus far.
it's been going on since the beginning of august, so for three months now, he's managed to keep me hanging on.
we've done oral sex, titty fucks, made out, he gave me hickey's, he's come on me multiple times,
but alas, i have not come once, he's not pentrated me once, or ate me out once.
what the hell am i doing here?

when he touches me my mind shuts off, it's like heaven,
i go from a million spinning thoughts to none.
he's like a drug, and i'm so addicted.
i'm not ashamed,
i think i'm sexually frustrated, so i asked him when and he said soon.
oh, i do hope i'm not disappointed.
there's so much hype here with our sexual chemistry.

walking it off

wow, i woke up totally depressed. just in the downest of moods. i didn't want to walk, but the rain stopped and i thought, one mile won't hurt.
i started walking and then it started raining, so i grabbed an umbrella at the start of my 2nd lap. the more i walked the less depressed i felt.
i closed my eyes here and there and just felt the rain and the coldness against my face. it felt refreshing.

my old therapist told me that exercise can really help a bi-polar 2 type with the depressive episodes. i didn't want to believe him. i've exercised in the past and never never never got those happy hormones. but walking is different. maybe it's because i can just do it at my leisure, walk as fast or as slow as i want. i listen to my i-pod and try to walk at the pace of the music. i don't know, but i've become obsessed with walking.

i just did 2 miles and i wanted to do one more but the rain and wind picked up. i think this afternoon i'll do 2 more and this eveing 1 more for a total of 5 miles like yesterday. the rain is supposed to be sporadic. and i didn't mind walking under the umbrella. my foot hardly bothered me, so this is good right!

when i get depressed i'll just take a walk!

first day no pop, don't know if that's part of the problem or not. took some excederin cuz i was getting a headache. i'm not trying to give up caffiene, just soda pop. i think it is more likely the chemicals in our food and beverages causing the uptick in cancers, autism, and other neurlogical disorders then say immunizations. the more chemicals we put in our bodies the more potential for a cataclysm of reactions that can't all be good can happen.

i might start eating organic as well. i already have so much stacked against me physically in the genetics department i need to do as much as i can to thwart diseases like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, arthritis (all of which i have showed signs of already!)

now i'm just depressing myself again. the rain storms fit my mood today!

dog park kind of day

it is beautiful outside. a perfect fall type of day. a great breeze and just enough heat as to not be cold. so i packed sophie up and we went to the dog park. i walk 2 miles on my bum foot and she ran and frolicked with the other pups. now we are chilling and she's napping and life is good.

my foot is getting better. i keep it covered with gauze and neosporin until bed. then i leave it uncovered with the neosporin on it. it burns less, but the newly exposed layer of skin is still very red.

i am reaching a place in the pain that is tolerable for me. i've been reading C.S. Lewis' book The Problem of Pain. I find it interesting. I am struggling with my faith right now. I know God exists. I have never doubted that, but having bi-polar and borderline personality disorder I often feel that I am unworthy, empty, useless, small, and forsaken.

I wonder why I must suffer in so much pain, both physical and mental, if God loves me. Of course, the book of Job, is a clear example of testing, enduring, and perserverance. But lately, I started to once again feel disconnected, not just from God, but from all the people who surround me. I just wanted to be left alone.

These emotions aren't new to me. I often isolate myself. I justify these action by telling myself that if I am alone, the only person I can hurt is myself, but I end up hurting the two people who love me the most. My kid and my Dad, are the ones that take the most punishment from my "moods".

i've seen disappointment on my Dad's face more time then i can count. My daughter just shakes her head and says there is something wrong with you. I don't know how to make things better for them. I am this emotionally raw creature that has yet to be contained, tamed, or restrained. Every time i try to better myself, i get scared, and revert back to what is familiar.

i have so many thoughts twirling in chaotic dances in my head. i wish i could capture one and hold onto it until it finished its dance, but i am never able to keep what i want the most. To quote the book "...the doors of hell are locked on the inside."

if i surrender completely to God, as the book suggests, to be healed, then i admit i have no control over anything, including myself. now i see why God loses so many of us. i know God can run my life better then I can, but I don't want to bother him with my mundane details. I am back to feeling like a burden to him. This thinking keeps me from embracing His love to the fullest, but I don't know how to break the cycle. I feel like i'm chasing my own tail all the time.

shake, rattle and roll, it's an earthquake baby!

5.9 quake in VA.

we live near columbus ohio and i didn't feel anything, but my kid did. it's weird because we are in the same house, the dog barked and growled, i wondered why the trees were shaking. my co-worker in NJ had her Mom and husband call her in a panic. they both felt the earthquake, my co-worker didn't feel it either. maybe because we are so focused on our work ;)

my kid is now convinced 2012 is the end of days.
she can be so silly.
i told her if there is a natural disaster of worldly proportions, i just want to die in the first wave. i could not bare to live without functioning bathrooms and no food and/or water.

my middle name is irene, i'm so excited i finally got a hurricane and she looks like she's going to do some damage too. weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
i know i'm weird to be cheering for a hurricane, it's not that i want anyone to get hurt, i just like the idea of destruction, not the actual application of it.

i've often been compared to hurricanes and tornadoes. i was once referred to as chaos in solid form. it's the mood swings, i'm up then down, then i turn around a shake it like i'm jacked up on crack.

man -- i am in a mood today. co-worker told me to go home if i was sick, i just said my muscles hurt from all the walking. and he told me to drink a red bull, and i said, why, i'm being quiet cuz i hurt, and then he changed his mind and said he preferred the quiet.

the neighbor has me all confused. i told him i just want to be neighbors again. he and his "good friend" look happy and in love, she is such a blind idiot. i feel sorry for her. i think i can behave myself as long as he doesn't touch me. i feel like i'm in the middle of a hurricane and a earthquake combined when he touches me. the hickey he gave me is almost gone now. i'm such a horny slut, i hate myself.

menopause sounds really good right now

so i thought my period was done, after 15 days, but no. it started back up again this morning. if i could press a button on my body to start menopause, i'd so do it!!!

my back flipping aches, cramps are still raging, this just sucks! i called the doctor's office and wanted to make an appointment to have this checked out, but no, i have to talk to the nurse line first and it's a machine. and maybe, it's all my fracking pms'ing, but i was in no mood to tell a machine i'm having the period from hell.

i want to cry. i'm starting to think this period will not end. today i have some fun things to do, but i'll have to keep running to the bathroom to change my stupid pads out.

i guess if i'm still bleeding to death on monday i'll try the doctor again, maybe i won't want to scream into the phone when i get a machine. i know i'm being unreasonable, but it's not like i can control it. and that's my biggest problem, the more things out of my control the more i get upset. i have some serious issues, duh!!!

maybe if i take that neighbor up on his offer, sex will stop my period, it's not like he can knock me up right now.

Locked myself out!

i'm on vacation all next week. so i woke up on fire to get the house cleaned, the errands ran, and just be able to relax for a couple of days with no chores to do.

i start out good. i got alot of cleaning done. so i thought, time to run the errands. i go get some groceries, a money order, i come home, open the garage, pull in and go to turn the knob on the garage door to the house and it is LOCKED!!!

i usually don't lock it, but my garage door had broken and i had started locking the garage door to the house, since anyone could open my garage door, because it was on manual.

The garage door got fixed Friday, but i forgot to unlock the door into the house. so here i am with milk and fruit in hot humid weather, totally locked out. my house keys are on the hook in the house. I go to get my cell phone out of my purse to call my kid to find out how she picks the lock and i forgot my cell phone!

i am on a roll here.

i go down to the neighbor, he's washing his car, and he hands me his cell phone so i can call the office and get the after hours emergency number for maitenance. and his cell phone keeps freezing up. wonderful!!!

he finally gets his cell to work and i get the call in. I am so thankful our landlords live in the house next door. He came right over. I apologized for being an idiot, explained to him what happened, he asked if they had fixed the garage door and what had been wrong with it. I told him it was fixed and that the circuit board in the actual garage door device had to be replaced. he was really nice about it, but i told him i was going right back out to get a spare key made to keep in my car.

so i went back out, got 2 spare keys made, and came back and thankfully they both worked!!! one is in my purse, the other in my car, being in apartment complex, it is not like a can do a hide a key.

but i was determined to finish cleaning. and i must say the place looks spiffy. i notice that when i have a clean house i just feel calmer. clutter induces frenzy. i rearranged my bedroom. and i packed up some old clothes to donate. i just got to finish laundry, organize my wreck of a closet, and put away the dishes.

it's not 5pm and i'm physically exhausted and emotionally tapped out!!!!

A frenzied day

i strongly dislike days like today.. everything was going smoothly and quietly, then something at work breaks. and now it is rush, rush, rush. i don't handle stress like that well. but i did alot of deep breathing and managed to get through it. but it did make me cranky.

i looked up tri-polar on the internet, it's a combo of bi-polar and borderline personality disorder, which i do have both.
out of the 15 signs/symptoms they listed, i go through 12 of them on a regular basis. but to me that is just life and status quo.

i'd go back to the shrink if i could afford it, but my insurance barely cover's mental health. it is too expensive to be mentally ill today. so i'm stopping right now because i just can't afford it. where's the off switch???

i wish it was that easy.

i am swinging low right now. feeling down about myself. feeling lonely, unloved, empty, and just totally bummed. yesterday i did not feel this way. i think it is because i'm tired. work was crazy and that makes me tired. and when i get tired i can't cope with anything.

so i think i'll just read some scriptures from the book of Job and go to bed early. tomorrow is another day, and i hope it is a better day.

Amy Winehouse death

Amy Winehouse died, a tragic but not surprising death of a very talented, but lost woman. I am listening to rehab and i am thinking, people would kill for that voice, that talent.

It is amazing how our inner demons can consume us. I read she was diagnosed as bi-polar. It is typical for alot of people with bi-polar disorder to self medicate with drugs and alcohol.

i know i don't drink anymore, because when i start drinking i can't stop until i puke or pass out. there's this limbo in the booze where you don't feel anything. you aren't sad, you're not happy, it's such a relief when you are bi-polar, like i am, to reach a state of existing without a single emotion. my emotions dominate me, control me, and twist me like a loose leaf in a hurricane wind.

i get exhausted from it and i just want to kill all emotions. destroy them and exorcise the feelings, but to do that i have to destroy myself. and that is the danger. i've never been drawn to illegal drugs. i have control issues on top of being bi-polar and having borderline personality disorder. when i do drink, i prefer to drink alone. i like the quiet and numbness. it is more enjoyable.

i hope she has found peace.
that is all i have ever been searching for in my life.

harry potter at 12:10 AM, this is gonna be fun, if i stay awake

so my kid talked me into another midnight showing, this time for the last harry potter film, we are taking tissues, because we fully expect to cry.
the last midnight showing i went to was for the then latest release of the twilight series. i was showing my age man!!

i had my first red bull, and mr. bindi was created,
imaging this in a badly attempted porno style male french accent,
"hello, i am mr. bindi, and i'll be your straw this evening.
suck from me the juices and i will fill you up"

and it wasn't even a bindi straw :)

i might have to try monster drink tonight, i wonder what my hopped up but totally exhausted brain will create this evening. we shall see.
my kid is afraid and i am little afraid myself.
i don't do well when sleep deprived, staying up past 10 takes effort, especially since my meds are designed to help me get sleep.
i'll have to delay taking my meds, and that is risky for everyone, i am medicated for my own safety as well as the publics.

so exicited!!!

someone disabled my biological interface filter

wow, i've really put my foot in my mouth this time. and i can't seem to stop. i've been so hopped up on caffiene for the last couple days to stay awake to get through the extra work load that my mouth has been running at 5 times the speed of my thoughts. this has resulted in some people outside my department and maybe a few in my department to get offended. i need to get my disabled biological interface filter back on line, ie.. i need to shut my trap and focus on the work.

i've been manic for like 5 days now and i'm crashing bad. i am looking forward to my dentist appointment tomorrow for several reasons. i get pain pills. i get to take the afternoon off of work and i'll be so numb from the procedure i won't be able to talk for at least two hours afterwords!!!!

i'm afraid the damage might already be done though. i can't take back what i said, heck, i can't remember even a quarter of what i said. someone said well you shouldn't have said that and i was like i said that, and they were like yeah. and i was honest and said i didn't remember. that is what happens when i get manic, stuff just flies out of my mouth and i don't remember what i said or to who or when. it's is crazy!!! i was craving sugar, pop, zingers, twinkies, ice cream.... i spent money i don't have and just made a general ass out of myself in front of co-workers.

yup, a sucky week and it's only wednesday. i think i've gotten myself calmed down, but now i'm so exhausted from it all i just want to sleep for a week. i really need some vacation time!!!

Upbeat Day

after a brutally long work day yesterday, i thought i'd wake up feeling exhausted and burnt out, so it was a happy surprise to realize i feel great!
i'm in a good mood. i'm feeling happy and content. maybe it's finally an up day in the bi-polar universe and it's about damn time.

i've been reading positive books, like Gordon B. Hinckley's 10 Virtues to Stand up for and Mariann Williamsons Everyday Graces. Excuse me if the spelling is wrong or the title inaccurate the books are upstairs and i don't feel like going up to get them.

i've noticed when i surround myself in positive things, movies, books, scripture, people, that temporarily i feel positive myself. i am unable to sustain the momentum though and the darkness always calls me back, the curse of being bi-polar 2.

maybe it's a good day because i woke up and for once, in what has seemed an eternity, it is not raining, the sun is out!!!! it is very cold outside and it is odd to have the furnace on in May, the last time I had to wear my winter coat in may, i was in 8th grade and had a mullet, but the sun is such a welcome reprieve from the gloomy rains.

go outside today and just be thankful to see the sun, that's what i'm going to do today!!!