Time for some solitude

i'm peopled out!

why when i ask for the truth i get fed lies.
it's making me constipated with deceit.
scott said jackie said something to him about us.
so scott is mad at me and has cut me off.
not a huge loss since the sex was not good, but still it was sex.
scott and i talked quite a bit when we were switching out the car titles.
now i'm $400 short on rent, but i'm not stressed.
i was thinking we were doing this next weekend, but i guess not.

i asked jackie.
he calls me stupid, like buying the jeep was stupid.
jackie's mad about me because i asked cindy if she told jackie about me and scott.
not a huge loss there either since jackie is a schmuck.

me and my mouth are taking a vacation.
i don't go back to work until thursday.
the kid goes back to school this afternoon.
i have no reason to speak to anyone after that until thursday.
i'm going to bask in the bliss of my solitude.

it's raining all day today.
i did a 1/2 hour of exercise on the wii.
i'm watching my browns play at 1.
then the kid goes to the dorms and i go on mute.
unless it is a child or saying hi there's no need for me to chit chat.
i was being too social, it does NOT come naturally to me.

i am socially inapt, akward and i can't keep a secret.
now the whole apartment complex knows that.
at least i have bret to look forward on tuesday night.
maybe i will get an orgasim, maybe not.
i don't want to pressure him for sex.
he's got enough pressue on him with the court date.
i don't know what he's going to do if he doesn't get custody.

A frenzied day

i strongly dislike days like today.. everything was going smoothly and quietly, then something at work breaks. and now it is rush, rush, rush. i don't handle stress like that well. but i did alot of deep breathing and managed to get through it. but it did make me cranky.

i looked up tri-polar on the internet, it's a combo of bi-polar and borderline personality disorder, which i do have both.
out of the 15 signs/symptoms they listed, i go through 12 of them on a regular basis. but to me that is just life and status quo.

i'd go back to the shrink if i could afford it, but my insurance barely cover's mental health. it is too expensive to be mentally ill today. so i'm stopping right now because i just can't afford it. where's the off switch???

i wish it was that easy.

i am swinging low right now. feeling down about myself. feeling lonely, unloved, empty, and just totally bummed. yesterday i did not feel this way. i think it is because i'm tired. work was crazy and that makes me tired. and when i get tired i can't cope with anything.

so i think i'll just read some scriptures from the book of Job and go to bed early. tomorrow is another day, and i hope it is a better day.

a rough morning

well, i took a nap for like 2 hours before the movie. i felt like i'd been drugged, everything was fuzzy, and i felt numb, and my limbs did not want to move. the only seats we could find at the HP D2 movie were in the very first row, so i spent the whole movie trying to recline in a seat that doesn't recline. i enjoyed the movie, my kid was disappointed harry didn't wake up naked in kings cross station. she was hoping they'd keep that, but we were very pleased with the bellatrix and mrs. weasley battle. the death of voldemort wasn't as thrilling.

i was wide awake once the movie started. we got home around 3am, had to put the pup outside to do her business and then i finished the leftovers from olive garden where we had gone to dinner earlier. i fell right back to sleep, but i started waking up every 30 minutes looking at the clock starting at 6AM, so when the alarm finally went off at 7:50AM i felt hung over, but i'm working through it.

i felt like calling in sick, but i've been doing that alot lately. it's the stress and just because i'm feeling worn doesn't mean i'm sick. although, the number of my headaches has doubled. i don't have one right at the moment and this is the exception rather then the rule. it's been a rough morning, but i hope for a better evening. it is friday after all and i don't work this weekend, sweet!!!!