A frenzied day

i strongly dislike days like today.. everything was going smoothly and quietly, then something at work breaks. and now it is rush, rush, rush. i don't handle stress like that well. but i did alot of deep breathing and managed to get through it. but it did make me cranky.

i looked up tri-polar on the internet, it's a combo of bi-polar and borderline personality disorder, which i do have both.
out of the 15 signs/symptoms they listed, i go through 12 of them on a regular basis. but to me that is just life and status quo.

i'd go back to the shrink if i could afford it, but my insurance barely cover's mental health. it is too expensive to be mentally ill today. so i'm stopping right now because i just can't afford it. where's the off switch???

i wish it was that easy.

i am swinging low right now. feeling down about myself. feeling lonely, unloved, empty, and just totally bummed. yesterday i did not feel this way. i think it is because i'm tired. work was crazy and that makes me tired. and when i get tired i can't cope with anything.

so i think i'll just read some scriptures from the book of Job and go to bed early. tomorrow is another day, and i hope it is a better day.

This will be a blog no one ever reads

There's alot of warnings about being careful when blogging or posting personal information on-line. This intimidated me enough to avoid blogging. I final could no longer resist and started a personal blog a couple of months ago showcasing my pathetic creative endeavors.

I have concluded that for me I can post as much personal information as I want and it's perfectly safe. Why? Because no one reads my blogs. No one cares. You know it's sad but true. My musings are boring. I'm boring. But still I cannot deny my urge to empty my head of all it's inane babbling.

It's so soothing just to write down whatever annoyance is currently on my mind. It frees me to see it in print. I feel as if I can get all the bad out of my brain and become a better person. A non bi-polar person. A cure for my borderline personality disorder. The death of being tri-polar.

Maybe my goals are too lofty. Maybe this is an up day. I could use one it's been awhile. Maybe it's time to go back to the shrink and get amped up on dozens of pills again. But maybe, just maybe, this blog can be a different kind of self medicating for me. Just maybe I won't wish I really didn't have a brain.