I Only Speak Up in My Mind

I see injustice and rudeness all the time, but i only speak up in my mind.
I don't like confrontation. I know I should say what I'm thinking and stop it, but I just shake my head and move on. What is it about me that makes me run and hide at the mere thought of calling someone out on their behavior? I'm a coward.

The only time I feel comfortable telling someone off is if they're younger then me. Like the two girls here that got into a girl fight. I broke it off. And told the girl that started it that she is to use her words and not her fists and the next time she came on the property she'd be arrested for trespassing. if that had been two adults fighting i would have just walked away. their adults, let them beat the crap out of each other. why do i care?!

the older i get the odder and more set in my ways i become.
my phobias grow and i want to stay in my home all the time.
i want to buy a house and never leave it.
if i had the money to do that i'd get everything off the internet.
i know this is not healthy. we are to want human contact, but i don't.
every time i try to meet people and put myself "out there" i get hurt.
you'd think i'd have tougher skin by now but i don't.

i'm twisted and broken down.
i don't want to interact with anyone in person.
people are rude, selfish, disgusting, and full of germs.
i am too, but they're my germs so i must live with them.
even my own kid is getting on my last nerve lately.

i guess i just hope this is a phase and my new medication will kick in and it'll pass!

The Bottom of the World

I feel like i'm at the bottom of the world and every one and every thing is pressing down on me. I can't move. I can't feel. I force myself to breath and it takes all my effort! I'm so worn out! Exhaustion doesn't begin to cover this overwhelming desire to sleep all the time. Today is the first day in over a month I've had any energy. I got a lot accomplished. Now I'm ready to sleep again for another month.

This disease I have has swallowed me whole again.
I swallow the anti-depressant every night at 7:30 in the evening. Some days that's the only time I get out of bed. My head hurts every day. I try different over the counter medications to no effect. The doctor says it'll take time as it always does to overcome the depression. I keep thinking one of these days I'll have no more time to wait it out.

Nothing motivates me.
Nothing interests me.
Nothing excites me.
Nothingness is all that gets me.

I haven't written creatively in awhile either.
I hate the side effects of the medication that's supposed to save me.
The lull I fall into kills me and placates me.
I feel as if the keys on the computer are like the keys on a piano; this is how I make my music. This is how I soothe my hurting soul. I don't know what to do when I can't do this, I feel lost!

A wave of apathy has swept all of me out to sea and no one is coming to rescue me!

Blessed

i feel so blessed these past two months because he came into my life.
i never thought i could love so deeply and completely.
he loves me and respects me and trusts me.
it is so satisfying to be giving my love to a man that appreciates me.
all my past hardships and heartache are a lesson learned so i can love him better.

he is amazing.
he is full of energy.
he is full of life.
he is my happy thought.

i know it's silly and girlish to giggle when i think about him,
but i feel high on this love we have.
i'm blessed to have him.
i'm blessed to love him.
i'm blessed to be in his life.

i remember what it was like before him, i was sad.
i was lonely.
i was depressed.
i was being used.
i was letting myself be used.

now i'm in a good relationship.
we are balanced with each other.
i can't wait to meet his boys.
i can't wait to have his baby.
life is so good right now!

of course, i wonder if he's too good to be true.
he wonders the exact same thing about me.
i'm trying to forget about fear and doubt,
i opened my heart to him and we are right together.
my puzzle is completed.
my love is being returned.

the other day i helped him sort receipts at his work.
i helped him and took a small task so he could do other things.
we laughed. we talked. we enjoyed being in each other's company.
there was no time for sex.
we shared a few kisses.
and i felt happy, so happy, just to be near him.

he's become my best friend and i love him!

Resistance is Futile

Sonnet 116 - the bard, Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments.

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.

Love’s not time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

i fell in love with a man who will never love me back.
and then i took what he told me, deep and dark admissions of who he was,
and i turned them on him and used it against him like a weapon.

i shall never blog of this man again after this.

this is my apology to him.
i am a coward.
i can write how i feel, but i can't say how i feel.

i love you just the way you are and i love all of you,
the demons, and all their baggage.
you are perfect to me!
i tried to resist it. i fought it to the bitter end.
i tried to blow it up. i tried to stab it with my words.
i tried to kill it with my actions.
but my love for you is still here and it's not going anywhere!
my apologies will never be enough,
i did damage like i always do when i'm scared.
and i knew i was falling in love with you and it terrified me, so i panicked.

you must be the strong one.
i am the weak one.
if you come i will not tell you to go or tell you no.
resistance is futile when love is in charge and i was never good enough for you.

i love you Scott!

Depression makes me fat

i've gained nearly 7 pounds since last week when i lost the baby.
i've fallen into a crippling depression.
i'm always going to bed.
if i'm not in bed i'm eating.
i eat everything and anything.
i'm not even hungry.
it is like i'm trying to fill up the emptiness inside of me.

physically i feel better.
all the yucky bleeding and cramping has stopped.
next week i go to the doctor to see if it is all okay
and to find out when i can start to try to get pregnant again.
but emotionally i'm a wreck.
i know this is a deep depression.
i've been through this before several times.
i don't want to go back on medications to get out of this.
if i'm on meds i can't try to get pregnant.

i didn't realize how much i wanted another baby until i found out i was pregnant.
and now that i've lost the baby all i want is to try again.
i really need to focus on having a baby.
i need to find my motivation again.
i've been kicked down but i can't stay down.
this is my pep talk to myself.
pull yourself up shannon irene and get back on that horse.

you are pretty.
you are smart.
you are awesome.

you know all 3 men (excluding my father) have told me i'm pretty my whole life.
the kid's dad, my ex-fiance brian and scott.

bret told me that there's was nothing about me, face or body that would make him look twice.
it was because he remembered me and my personality from high school that he started talking to me.
he said i was such a happy go lucky person when we were in high school.
that was such a long time ago.
like scott said, we are only small pieces of the people we used to be.
my demons have eaten a huge amount of the happiness i used to have.

happiness, we are guaranteed the pursuit of it in the u.s. constitution
and this nation pursues happiness with a vengance,
but we are more depressed, medicated and fatter then ever.
i think we are all failing on a huge scale to keep the happiness we find.
i bet alot of people are like me.
i think i know what makes me happy so i go after it, get it,
and it either bores me, or it wasn't what i had thought it would be.
then i'm not happy anymore.

i think we are a nation of discontents.
we are all children running around in a candy store.
or a bunch of bulls running loose in a china shop.
i can't carry happiness when i'm being crushed by my infinite sadness.
i want to be happy, but i want to be happy all the time.
and nothing is 100% all the time on.

it hurts to know that scott will reject me again and again.
it hurts to know that i'm never going to be me again.
but i have to go forward because going back is never an option.

A Bruise on My Nose

saturday i woke up and went to the grocery store.
that went well, except i saw the carmello bars on close out at 53 cents each,
so i bought all that was left, since the cashier explained to me close out means
that store won't carry them anymore
so now i have a drawer full of carmello bars screaming my name
so far i've had one and gab has had one.

i get home and i'm putting away the groceries.
i am putting the kid's dinosaur fun nuggets, seriously, she's almost 21 years old,
in the freezer, i pull the freezer door open and slam it right into my nose!!!
usually when i injure myself in such a stupid manner i laugh,
this time it hurt so fucking bad i was totally dazed.
i had my glasses on to boot, so that made it hurt worse.
now i have a bruise on my nose.

only me right, sheesh!!!

scott came over to get his money.
i was going to drop it off to him, but i saw the bunny was home
and after konking myself on the nose i was in a pissy mood
and did not want to see her.
i could not guarentee i wouldn't be a total bitch just cuz i can be.
so he came down to get it.

he showed the kid how to check the oil in berta.
he walked around that jeep like a lover checking every inch
touching it gently, it was like watching some man-gasim in progress.
he really really loves that car, sweet berta.
but i'm greatful he checks up on it.
the kid and i just drive the shit out of the cars.
they don't have emotional meaning to us.
to each their own i guess.

i went to hug him and he hesitated big time.
i apolgized he got to see the very ugly side of my mental illness.
he let me give him a hug.
i've done some damage there, i'm not surprised.
bret and scott both won't ever trust me again.
scott and i had a 5 month run that's typical for me.

the most significant relationships in my life (all 7 of them)
last 5-7 consecutive months in a row.
i'm the one that cannot sustain a long term relationship.
i'm the loser.
i'm the committment phobe.
i'm the disease.

went to a neighbor's 6 year old's birthday party.
she was a ballerina.
i stuffed like 6 of those spring rolls in my mouth.
damn they were good.
the mom made all these little dainty chocolates.
they are from brazil and there was all this food i've never seen before
we left after an hour cuz the whole roasted pig was stirring up my gag reflux, thank u baby!!!

i was going to drive me and the other neighbors over to next door
but they wanted to walk, but i had already pulled up the car
so i just parked it up front, in the bunny's spot
when we walked back i couldn't find my keys and i was freezing
and ready to yack from eating all those spring rolls
so i just left the car their

i went and got it this morning when i walked sophie
i'm so thankful to have a garage
the kid took my ice scraper.
i hate scraping a car.
today the kid goes back to school
and i got to be alone and broke

but i think of the little baby inside of me and smile.

I've Lost my enthusiasm

scott stopped by last night to return the remote control.
he said he got the car to work and didn't need my garage because there had been a nice day while i was gone.
he started the whole dry humping, kissing, grabbing me crap.
i've lost my enthusiasm for the whole situation.
now i just got to figure out how to blow him off.
i was not responsive last night and he seemed disappointed.
but that's his problem and not mine.
he's laid off from work until jan so he's driving semi's locally.
i imagine i'll see him soon.
and then i'll cut ties.
it's all gotten very boring to me.
he's boring to me.

i think i'm depressed.
i go to bed at 6pm.
sophie has been having accidents in the house.
i think it is because the kid doesn't let her out when i go to bed so early.
i feel like a loser, a failure, and a disappointment.
i can't do anything right lately.
i just want to curl up into a ball in my bed and never leave it.

i guess this will pass.
i'm working to get back into my schedule.
i worked out on the wii this morning.
i'm back to 195.
and i expected just to break even this month.
so if i don't gain anything between now and the end of the year i'll be set.

jan. i have tweak my workout and diet.
i need to weed out what has failed me.
i can't do any kind of ice cream, even light or less fat.
i just eat too much of it.
i got 30 more pounds to lose.
i know i can do it.
i just got to get my ass out of this depression.
hopefully, without medication this time.

I hate to wait

so i'm home working this afternoon waiting on fed ex to deliver my new ipod with the fitness application.
i'm so anxious. i was so worried that since it shipped to the wrong place i'd never get it.
but luckily they rerouted before the first delivery attempt and now it is on its way to me!!!

i'm not a patient person.
i hate to wait.
i tie myself up in a ball of anxious energy.

once the ipod arrives that is one less thing for me to be waiting on.

the naughty neighbor, scott, has my undivided attention at the moment.
i am waiting on him, he said soon, is that tomorrow, or friday.
it's usually fridays, it was this past friday.

we were talking about the car and then somehow we ended up on the living room floor with me riding him.
how come i'm the only one that ends up naked?
we dry humped, how high school is that!
then we went into the 1/2 bath where he reached climax during a titty fuck.
i have yet to get off.
this is a very lop sided sexual relationship thus far.
it's been going on since the beginning of august, so for three months now, he's managed to keep me hanging on.
we've done oral sex, titty fucks, made out, he gave me hickey's, he's come on me multiple times,
but alas, i have not come once, he's not pentrated me once, or ate me out once.
what the hell am i doing here?

when he touches me my mind shuts off, it's like heaven,
i go from a million spinning thoughts to none.
he's like a drug, and i'm so addicted.
i'm not ashamed,
i think i'm sexually frustrated, so i asked him when and he said soon.
oh, i do hope i'm not disappointed.
there's so much hype here with our sexual chemistry.

dog park kind of day

it is beautiful outside. a perfect fall type of day. a great breeze and just enough heat as to not be cold. so i packed sophie up and we went to the dog park. i walk 2 miles on my bum foot and she ran and frolicked with the other pups. now we are chilling and she's napping and life is good.

my foot is getting better. i keep it covered with gauze and neosporin until bed. then i leave it uncovered with the neosporin on it. it burns less, but the newly exposed layer of skin is still very red.

i am reaching a place in the pain that is tolerable for me. i've been reading C.S. Lewis' book The Problem of Pain. I find it interesting. I am struggling with my faith right now. I know God exists. I have never doubted that, but having bi-polar and borderline personality disorder I often feel that I am unworthy, empty, useless, small, and forsaken.

I wonder why I must suffer in so much pain, both physical and mental, if God loves me. Of course, the book of Job, is a clear example of testing, enduring, and perserverance. But lately, I started to once again feel disconnected, not just from God, but from all the people who surround me. I just wanted to be left alone.

These emotions aren't new to me. I often isolate myself. I justify these action by telling myself that if I am alone, the only person I can hurt is myself, but I end up hurting the two people who love me the most. My kid and my Dad, are the ones that take the most punishment from my "moods".

i've seen disappointment on my Dad's face more time then i can count. My daughter just shakes her head and says there is something wrong with you. I don't know how to make things better for them. I am this emotionally raw creature that has yet to be contained, tamed, or restrained. Every time i try to better myself, i get scared, and revert back to what is familiar.

i have so many thoughts twirling in chaotic dances in my head. i wish i could capture one and hold onto it until it finished its dance, but i am never able to keep what i want the most. To quote the book "...the doors of hell are locked on the inside."

if i surrender completely to God, as the book suggests, to be healed, then i admit i have no control over anything, including myself. now i see why God loses so many of us. i know God can run my life better then I can, but I don't want to bother him with my mundane details. I am back to feeling like a burden to him. This thinking keeps me from embracing His love to the fullest, but I don't know how to break the cycle. I feel like i'm chasing my own tail all the time.

shake, rattle and roll, it's an earthquake baby!

5.9 quake in VA.

we live near columbus ohio and i didn't feel anything, but my kid did. it's weird because we are in the same house, the dog barked and growled, i wondered why the trees were shaking. my co-worker in NJ had her Mom and husband call her in a panic. they both felt the earthquake, my co-worker didn't feel it either. maybe because we are so focused on our work ;)

my kid is now convinced 2012 is the end of days.
she can be so silly.
i told her if there is a natural disaster of worldly proportions, i just want to die in the first wave. i could not bare to live without functioning bathrooms and no food and/or water.

my middle name is irene, i'm so excited i finally got a hurricane and she looks like she's going to do some damage too. weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
i know i'm weird to be cheering for a hurricane, it's not that i want anyone to get hurt, i just like the idea of destruction, not the actual application of it.

i've often been compared to hurricanes and tornadoes. i was once referred to as chaos in solid form. it's the mood swings, i'm up then down, then i turn around a shake it like i'm jacked up on crack.

man -- i am in a mood today. co-worker told me to go home if i was sick, i just said my muscles hurt from all the walking. and he told me to drink a red bull, and i said, why, i'm being quiet cuz i hurt, and then he changed his mind and said he preferred the quiet.

the neighbor has me all confused. i told him i just want to be neighbors again. he and his "good friend" look happy and in love, she is such a blind idiot. i feel sorry for her. i think i can behave myself as long as he doesn't touch me. i feel like i'm in the middle of a hurricane and a earthquake combined when he touches me. the hickey he gave me is almost gone now. i'm such a horny slut, i hate myself.

6am up and ready to go

the downside to having more energy. i am wide awake at 6am now.
nothing better to do then get ready for the day.
i have a feeling, the more active i get the less i'm going to sleep in and with me not watching tv, i'm going to have to fill in all the new hours with something. maybe one of my neighbors will be able to give me some extra special exercise ;)

it is friday, but my mood is still in the tank. it's weird to have energy, yet be in a down swing of a mood. i was walking my 3rd mile yesterday and in my head all i heard was keep on walking, keep on walking, keep on walking, cuz your thighs are fat and you are ugly. borderline personality disorder can really be bummer.

it's hard to love me, but i wish someone would try!

menopause sounds really good right now

so i thought my period was done, after 15 days, but no. it started back up again this morning. if i could press a button on my body to start menopause, i'd so do it!!!

my back flipping aches, cramps are still raging, this just sucks! i called the doctor's office and wanted to make an appointment to have this checked out, but no, i have to talk to the nurse line first and it's a machine. and maybe, it's all my fracking pms'ing, but i was in no mood to tell a machine i'm having the period from hell.

i want to cry. i'm starting to think this period will not end. today i have some fun things to do, but i'll have to keep running to the bathroom to change my stupid pads out.

i guess if i'm still bleeding to death on monday i'll try the doctor again, maybe i won't want to scream into the phone when i get a machine. i know i'm being unreasonable, but it's not like i can control it. and that's my biggest problem, the more things out of my control the more i get upset. i have some serious issues, duh!!!

maybe if i take that neighbor up on his offer, sex will stop my period, it's not like he can knock me up right now.

Locked myself out!

i'm on vacation all next week. so i woke up on fire to get the house cleaned, the errands ran, and just be able to relax for a couple of days with no chores to do.

i start out good. i got alot of cleaning done. so i thought, time to run the errands. i go get some groceries, a money order, i come home, open the garage, pull in and go to turn the knob on the garage door to the house and it is LOCKED!!!

i usually don't lock it, but my garage door had broken and i had started locking the garage door to the house, since anyone could open my garage door, because it was on manual.

The garage door got fixed Friday, but i forgot to unlock the door into the house. so here i am with milk and fruit in hot humid weather, totally locked out. my house keys are on the hook in the house. I go to get my cell phone out of my purse to call my kid to find out how she picks the lock and i forgot my cell phone!

i am on a roll here.

i go down to the neighbor, he's washing his car, and he hands me his cell phone so i can call the office and get the after hours emergency number for maitenance. and his cell phone keeps freezing up. wonderful!!!

he finally gets his cell to work and i get the call in. I am so thankful our landlords live in the house next door. He came right over. I apologized for being an idiot, explained to him what happened, he asked if they had fixed the garage door and what had been wrong with it. I told him it was fixed and that the circuit board in the actual garage door device had to be replaced. he was really nice about it, but i told him i was going right back out to get a spare key made to keep in my car.

so i went back out, got 2 spare keys made, and came back and thankfully they both worked!!! one is in my purse, the other in my car, being in apartment complex, it is not like a can do a hide a key.

but i was determined to finish cleaning. and i must say the place looks spiffy. i notice that when i have a clean house i just feel calmer. clutter induces frenzy. i rearranged my bedroom. and i packed up some old clothes to donate. i just got to finish laundry, organize my wreck of a closet, and put away the dishes.

it's not 5pm and i'm physically exhausted and emotionally tapped out!!!!

A frenzied day

i strongly dislike days like today.. everything was going smoothly and quietly, then something at work breaks. and now it is rush, rush, rush. i don't handle stress like that well. but i did alot of deep breathing and managed to get through it. but it did make me cranky.

i looked up tri-polar on the internet, it's a combo of bi-polar and borderline personality disorder, which i do have both.
out of the 15 signs/symptoms they listed, i go through 12 of them on a regular basis. but to me that is just life and status quo.

i'd go back to the shrink if i could afford it, but my insurance barely cover's mental health. it is too expensive to be mentally ill today. so i'm stopping right now because i just can't afford it. where's the off switch???

i wish it was that easy.

i am swinging low right now. feeling down about myself. feeling lonely, unloved, empty, and just totally bummed. yesterday i did not feel this way. i think it is because i'm tired. work was crazy and that makes me tired. and when i get tired i can't cope with anything.

so i think i'll just read some scriptures from the book of Job and go to bed early. tomorrow is another day, and i hope it is a better day.

double d's tomorrow, lovely

i scheduled dentist and doctor appointments 3 hours apart tomorrow.
what did you think double D's meant, perves, mine are triple D's.

i have the dentist at noon to fill cavities.
i have 8 and they are perfectly symmetrical.
4 on each side and the same teeth and same level on each side.
symmetry is pretty and pleasing to my eye.
crooked is evil and ugly.

then at 2:30 i go to the doctor to find out why the left side of my chest is hot to the touch, hurts to touch, has lumps and i can't lift my arm over my head anymore. it's been killing me for over two weeks.
i knew it was time to go to the doctor when i thought about a taking a knife and cutting into the pain. crazy right, but it seemed reasonable to me at the time. luckily, my kid asked me why i had the knife pointed at my chest. snapped me out of it. i really wanted to cut myself, somehow i thought that would make the pain go away. but i throw up at the sight of blood, so it would not have worked. damn, bpd!

i am hoping my numbness from the dentist has worn off by the time i go to the doctor, otherwise the doctor might think i had a stroke.
that would be bad.

yes, tomorrow will be painful, but hopefully, the pain will be temporary and my chest and teeth will be all better.

Amy Winehouse death

Amy Winehouse died, a tragic but not surprising death of a very talented, but lost woman. I am listening to rehab and i am thinking, people would kill for that voice, that talent.

It is amazing how our inner demons can consume us. I read she was diagnosed as bi-polar. It is typical for alot of people with bi-polar disorder to self medicate with drugs and alcohol.

i know i don't drink anymore, because when i start drinking i can't stop until i puke or pass out. there's this limbo in the booze where you don't feel anything. you aren't sad, you're not happy, it's such a relief when you are bi-polar, like i am, to reach a state of existing without a single emotion. my emotions dominate me, control me, and twist me like a loose leaf in a hurricane wind.

i get exhausted from it and i just want to kill all emotions. destroy them and exorcise the feelings, but to do that i have to destroy myself. and that is the danger. i've never been drawn to illegal drugs. i have control issues on top of being bi-polar and having borderline personality disorder. when i do drink, i prefer to drink alone. i like the quiet and numbness. it is more enjoyable.

i hope she has found peace.
that is all i have ever been searching for in my life.