Hey Hey Now

Hey now we are getting little glimpses of spring with the big hits from winter in between.
I love winter but I'm so over it now.
I'm ready for some sunshine and flip flops.
I haven't shaved my legs since November!!!!
I'm really hairy right now.
I'm excited to shave, get a pedicure and just go outside and not freeze!
Come on spring!!!!

I think everyone in Ohio feels the same.
At least all my neighbors do!
We got up to nearly 70 degrees this past Sunday and it was amazing!
I saw people I hadn't seen in months outside.
We got all caught up on our silly little chit chat.

I took Sophie the Puggle to the dog park.
She is OUT OF SHAPE big time!
She was worn out and started getting snippy with the other pups.
She ran, played, and sniffed butts for an hour straight.

We went and got ice cream.
We had all the windows down.
It felt like FREEDOM!!!

This weekend is supposed to get into the 50's and I am going to enjoy every second of it!

I suggest if you've let winter get you down get outside and soak up that sun!
Because, at least in Ohio, the weather is more Bipolar then I am!

A Sweet Sunday

i've walked 5 miles today. i worked out on the wii for 30 minutes today. i had chili. sophie got to go to the dog park. i got my scriptures read. now i'm watching the browns lose :(

today has been a simple and sweet sunday. my right hip hurts a little from a new yoga position i added to my wii routine, the downward facing dog. it is harder then i thought it would be and maybe i'm just way too dirty minded, but every time i do the downward facing dog i think about either bret or scott coming up behind me and banging me. it's me right, i'm too horny!

i got to get my head out of my ass when it comes to men. i'm unrealistic. the men i want only want me because they already have someone else.

i've really got myself screwed up right now. i can't ever seem to achieve any balance in my life, ironic, since i physically have a balance disorder. or is that just an unfortunate happenstance?

i've been making a series of bad decisions of late and i need to snap out of it.

i will survive, i always do, but i tire of the struggle!

Rainy Monday's Just Suck

it is another monday, and it is pouring rain. so i think i will be working out today on the wii.
a pregnancy test was negative, yipee!!!
if i still haven't started next week, i'll take one more just to be sure.
but i am relieved not to be pregnant.
my body i think is just adjusting to all the healthy eating, exercising, and running around i am doing.

i walked 5 miles yesterday. the dog walked 3 of it with me at the dog park.
my house is clean.
my laundry is down.
i watched Heathers and National Treasure yesterday.
i read my scriptures.

i tried to take some video of a goat that was running around our apt. complex on saturday, but i didn't hit the right buttons.
Sophie, the puggle, hates goats!

don't aske my why there was a goat in our apt. complex, i don't know where the goat came from, i don't know why it was loose.
it was shear chaos and i had to ask myself out loud, was that a goat that just ran by!!!
it was short, black, and had huge curled horns.
again, the dog, hated it and was going nuts barking, growling, just freaking out.
a kid caught it and helped it's owners take it back to their car (who drives around with a goat in a little honda car???)
and sophie normally loves this kid, he went to pet her, stinking of the goat, and sophie barked and growled at him.
i thought she was going to bite him.
i told him i don't think she knows it is you, since you reek of the goat.
the owner's gave the kid $20 for catching the goat.

still baffled over it tho, i see some weird shit around here!!!

Another Confusing Day

men confuse me. the neighbor wanted to talk to me, he wants to explain things. and his little bunny has moved in with him. so he says he's heading down to talk to me around noon, it's going on 4pm and he never showed. and his little bunny is now home. he says he got caught up in work stuff. i said, whatever, he did not like that answer. i don't know what he wants from me. i think bret had it right, it is human nature, especially mine, to want what i can't have. at least i'm having sex with bret. the neighbor is just a big ole tease!!!

my head hurts. i hate sinus headaches. i had chinese food. i watched my portions, and i have leftovers for 3 days now! but now i feel like i need to walk 5 more miles. i did walk 3 miles today. so i did good. if tomorrow is a nice morning, i'll take sophie to the dog park and do 3 laps, aka miles. and then do 3 here around the parking lot for a 6 mile day.

the walking helps clear my head and lifts my spirits. i just wish my sex drive would calm down. or that bret lived closer so he and i could have sex more often. he's depressed over his custody situation. i'm depressed over my whole lonely existence. bret was very clear that we are just friends. there will be no talking every day on the phone. no long distance relationship, he has a life and he has to live it. i'm so sick of him telling me what to do. and he doesn't even think he's telling me what to do.

i should have known that nothing would change with him. now if i can just get this knot out of my stomach that the neighbor gives me every time he looks at me i'd be doing swell.

i love men so much i hate them, every single fucking one of them, even the gay ones!

dog park kind of day

it is beautiful outside. a perfect fall type of day. a great breeze and just enough heat as to not be cold. so i packed sophie up and we went to the dog park. i walk 2 miles on my bum foot and she ran and frolicked with the other pups. now we are chilling and she's napping and life is good.

my foot is getting better. i keep it covered with gauze and neosporin until bed. then i leave it uncovered with the neosporin on it. it burns less, but the newly exposed layer of skin is still very red.

i am reaching a place in the pain that is tolerable for me. i've been reading C.S. Lewis' book The Problem of Pain. I find it interesting. I am struggling with my faith right now. I know God exists. I have never doubted that, but having bi-polar and borderline personality disorder I often feel that I am unworthy, empty, useless, small, and forsaken.

I wonder why I must suffer in so much pain, both physical and mental, if God loves me. Of course, the book of Job, is a clear example of testing, enduring, and perserverance. But lately, I started to once again feel disconnected, not just from God, but from all the people who surround me. I just wanted to be left alone.

These emotions aren't new to me. I often isolate myself. I justify these action by telling myself that if I am alone, the only person I can hurt is myself, but I end up hurting the two people who love me the most. My kid and my Dad, are the ones that take the most punishment from my "moods".

i've seen disappointment on my Dad's face more time then i can count. My daughter just shakes her head and says there is something wrong with you. I don't know how to make things better for them. I am this emotionally raw creature that has yet to be contained, tamed, or restrained. Every time i try to better myself, i get scared, and revert back to what is familiar.

i have so many thoughts twirling in chaotic dances in my head. i wish i could capture one and hold onto it until it finished its dance, but i am never able to keep what i want the most. To quote the book "...the doors of hell are locked on the inside."

if i surrender completely to God, as the book suggests, to be healed, then i admit i have no control over anything, including myself. now i see why God loses so many of us. i know God can run my life better then I can, but I don't want to bother him with my mundane details. I am back to feeling like a burden to him. This thinking keeps me from embracing His love to the fullest, but I don't know how to break the cycle. I feel like i'm chasing my own tail all the time.

i stopped and my garage is cleaned!!!

my period finally stopped for GOOD!!!!

i got the garage cleaned and organized. i tried to make it pretty. i hung up a floral table cloth, and some christmas lights on the wall, but the kid made me take it all down, cuz it's a garage, it ain't supposed to be pretty.

i took Sophie to the dog park this morning. we ran the car thru the car wash. and i took all the trash to the dumpster. it has been a great day.

i'm into a size 16 pant now!!! i got it going on now.

my kid wants me to be fat and lazy again. she says she's going to shove ding dongs, cupcakes, and twinkies down my throat whilst i sleep. i'm starting to remember the H in my adhd.

i'm ready to finish up, which means i have to now put away all the stuff i brought into the house.

Drained and Good Luck?

I am conflicted. I won a 24 inch flat screen tv at the company picnic, which is the biggest and bestest thing I've ever won in my entire life!!!! So that's the Good Luck part of this and I am excited. I was so excited and happy. It's all hooked up in my bedroom. It was such a luxury to sit in bed last night and watch some tv. And I really needed to be in bed, because I think I'm getting sick.

I am so drained. Not tired, drained of all energy. I've already taken a 2 hour nap today and I had to struggle through taking Sophie to the dog park, then running a few errands. I thought I was going to pass out in the fabric store! I came home and walked Sophie to the mailbox then I collapsed into bed for 2 hours of complete unconsciousness!

Sophie started licking me and waking me up after 2 hours, but I'm still dragging, I've been out of bed an hour and I'm ready to go back to bed. I didn't even watch tv from bed this morning. It's like all my energy has been stolen away by some evil super villian. My period did start so maybe that's causing it, but usually i'm just tired and cranky when it starts. The level of exhaustion I'm experiencing now has been rare in my life and usually comes with sickness. My sinus' have been acting up. I hope they aren't getting infected.

But this is my life, for every good thing that happens to me there are 3 bad things waiting in the wings. I should be used to it by now.

Another jolly good visit to the dog park

We had another fun time at the dog park today. Sophie ran around with new buddies and played her little heart out. Man it got hot fast!!! We were only there for an hour. It's going to be a toasty day. Now that Sophie is passed out at my feet snoozing, I can focus on getting the downstairs cleaned.

Phase 2 of the cleaning weekend is about to begin. I hope my back holds up. I have got to declutter the entry way. I keep tripping over the dog cage and my suitcase.

Have a great day!!!

The dog park experience

Yesterday Sophie and I headed out to find the dog park. We found it and she played her little heart out for almost 2 hours. She was running, and playing with the big dogs. Full Throttle Sophie!!!

So this morning we headed out again to the dog park. She could barely contain her excitement on the way there. She played another 2 hours with more big dogs. She loves it there. I knew she was all tuckered out when she came right to the leash and let me put it on her.

We came home and she slept for 2 hours. I think we have a new weekend morning destination for us, as long as the weather is good. I'm so proud of my puggle Sophie. She's so friendly. She gets along with big dogs and little dogs. She even played catch me if you can with a little boy that had brought his dog.

It's been a really good weekend. Even though I had to work Friday night into Saturday early AM. I feel rested and content. Now if only I can find the enthusiasm to clean the apartment.