Being Gutted Like a Fish

The surgery got approved at the end of March i get gutted like a fish.
No more periods.
No more pressure on myself.
It will be a relief not to have a uterus or cervix.
I am nervous.
It is a big surgery with a lot of stitches.
I hope it goes well and i heal quickly.
Right now I'm trying hard not to catch anything.

My allergies and sinus' are giving my grief.
It is hard for me to stay well anymore.
I'm depressed again and I don't know why.
I'm getting a tax return that will cover almost all the deductible and out of pocket expenses.
I can set up a payment plan on the rest.

My dad will be here the entire week of my surgery.
We can go to the hockey game since it is two days before.
It is all falling into place.
But I'm anxious.
Being cut on make me that way.
I think that's normal and healthy.
I hope.

My friend had an ovarian cyst removed.
Her surgery went well.
She is in pain but not too badly.
I'm just a horrible patient.
I know that, my kid and dad really know that.
I'm awful to be around when I'm in pain and sick.
Pain in the ass can't even cover it.

I go in 3/27 i will be outpatient - overnight observe.
I go monday to do the consent papers and get the post op scheduled.
The doc will also get all the drugs called in so i can pick them up.
I have the pre op on 3/19 at the hospital.
If i have a fever or chest congestion or something shows up on the chest x-ray they won't do the surgery.
Hopefully, it will all be clear.

My stomach has hurt all day.
I think i'm ovulating, it's like my uterus knows i'm getting rid of it
and it is protesting.
My period was awful as usual.
At least I can give any pads I have left to my friend.
I will get back the $4K in cost in pads within 2 1/2 years.
Yes, that's how many pads i go through!!!!
I know right, ridiculous!

Happy Miracle Day

Today a miracle happened many years ago in a land far away and to some people this miracle seems like science fiction;
Jesus after being dead 3 days arose and walked, talked, and tought, then after 3 days he rose up to heaven into the clouds.

I am a Christian. I believe Jesus was the Messiah, the Son of God.
There are days I don't feel worthy of his or God's love.
There are days I feel like he's right beside me comforting me with the Holy Ghost.
I do know the world today is torn and full of doubt, evil, and harm.
But as long as there are believers in God the world is not lost to us yet.

This may seem silly but I love being a Christian.
I love bacon and if I were jewish or muslim I wouldn't be allowed to eat it.
And my love for bacon is a lot like my Love for God and Jesus,
I can't explain it, this love I have for a bacon, how it excites me with its smell and taste.
It is like loving God and Jesus, you have to experience it for yourself, it cannot be force fed to you or explained to you.

I truly believe each person's relationship with God is their own and cannot be dictated by others.

So if you believe or not, think today, what would be a miracle to you?
have you ever seen a miracle?
have you ever heard or seen something that shouldn't exist or be happening?

I think today is a great time to reflect on how you feel about your life and this world.
And to see how you can be a blessing to everyone you meet.

I smile and wave to everyone I meet.
I like to believe the best in everyone.
Even on my more bi-polar days I try to be friendly to those I meet.
I don't succeed all the time, but I think the effort is worth it.

Happy Miracle Day!!!!

Catching Up

A breakup, a heat rash all over my belly, back, and ass, a pit bull attacks Sophie the Puggle... that was all in a week's time.

I've been recovery ever since.

My heat rash required staying out of the sun, there goes boosting my vitamin d, using benadryl, and trying not to itch.
benadryl, might as well be pot for me. it stones the hell out of me. i sit there and stare out to space drooling then eating, but i don't itch!

i'm still all broken out and i go to take sophie the puggle for walk and a neighbor's pitbull charges her and i pick sophie up to get them separated. the pit bull never bit, i think it was more about intimidation and submission, but poor sophie was freaked out. i got all scratched up on top of the heat rash. i hurt for days.

the owner apologized profusely. i did not call it in because the pit never bit, but i told him if one of the kids was walking sophie this would have been very bad. he said they'd more careful with her. their apartment door was open and they were going in and out when she saw sophie walking by and attacked. i kicked the pit to break it up, but it did not work. picking up sophie to break up the attack was the only thing i could think of, thankfully it worked!

work has been crazy, i will be in the office most of next week.

my kid started her job and is complaining, but reality is here. she can't stay in school forever, we can't afford it at all.

b. and i are talking. we are going to be friend's. my co-worker was messing with me on alot of stuff, just making crap up to get a rise out of me. he's like that. i don't like it when people play with other's emotions. i love b. and he loves me and it just got so messed up because other people messing with us. so we are talking and being friends and just caring about one another. he's not my boyfriend anymore, but he's still so much fun to be with.

it's funny how much time we spend planning our lives and then out of nowhere one little thing changes everything and all those plans are destroyed.

flexibility and adaptability are critical in this life!

My Ass Got Fatter

i celebrated my kid's 21st birthday weekend, not in drink, but in food.
lots and lots of food.
we ate out all weekend.
we loved the cheesecake at the cheesecake factory.
my kid got her chipotle on, her fave.
and their was pizza and cake at her party.
it was a mellow family event.
all i did all weekend was eat and drive.

i put many miles on the car and 5 pounds on my body.
my ass got fatter.
it is weird how you lose weight and then when you gain some back it doesn't go back to the same places.
my tummy got a little rounder but my butt got HUGE!!!
so it is back to the program.
protein, veggies and fruits.
i go in a week to get my triglycerides, cholesterol, and vitamin d checked.
i'd hate to go back and have to be put back on meds cuz i can't keep the junk food out of my mouth.

i had a surprise though over the birthday weekend.
my 2nd ex-fiancee facebooked me and told me he was getting divorced.
i met him for breakfast on sunday.
he looks the same.
same smile, same brown eyes, he's filled out.
he was such a skinny thing back in the day.
it had been 18 years since we were a couple engaged.
we agreed we were both just really young.
we are talking and texting now.
i hope we can be friends.
i don't know if it'll ever be more then that.
but we still have some stuff in common as far as music and values.
it was good to talk to him.
he said i looked good and i was like he remembered me and that was a good thing.

this week my allergies have been kicking my butt.
but other then that we are back into our routine.
i know i'm so boring!
someone told me i was sexy, i think they were high :)
i've retired from dating.
doesn't mean i won't ever have sex again, cuz we all know you don't have to date to copulate ;)
i'm hoping for a quiet sunny weekend.
my kid is going home with one of her college friends.
i'm not completely broke, but i'm never rich.
everything is right where it should be and i can't complain.

What is on my mind today!

1 - why can't i stop thinking of scott when i know he's a liar and a cheater
2 - why are sophie the puggle's nails so short when i haven't clipped them in forever
3 - sophie the puggle is the puggle of the day at http://www.puggle.org/ (check her out!!!)

So on my birthday i get a message from a guy i went to high school with asking me to go out to dinner and a movie.
i spent the next hour trying to remember who he was.
he was part of the group of guys that were always quiet and wearing stupid smirks, so i thought they were stoners.
they weren't, just watching the girls walk by.

so he lives back home, 2 hours away, his name is John.
we talked on the phone for two hours.
he's okay, but he's already talking mistletoe and holding me, it's like slow down.
the more a man pushes me to intimacy the more i run away.
i think john is still hung up on his son's mother.
they've been broken up quite awhile, but i know how it can be.
he truly loved her and thought they were going to spend their life together.
bret still isn't over lynn and john isn't over tina.
but i agreed to drive down next weekend and to have dinner with him.
you never know unless you try right!

i am playing the truth card with scott.
not sure how he is taking it.
the mystery is gone.
the passion and chemistry is still there.
but now i know he just wants a fuck buddy i feel like i don't have to try or lie.
he's not worth the effort.

i told him that bret knows about us with all the details
and our apt. manager has known since the beginning since i asked about him,
but she doesn't have any details.
i think that's the biggest lie.
there's several smaller ones, but it was standard bullshitting to be more appealing because i didn't know if he wanted a more romantic long term relationship.
now that i know he's not long term material i don't really give a fuck anymore.
i think that has thrown him.
but i haven't talked to him since black friday because his little bunny's daddy is in town.

i asked him if there were any lies he'd like to come clean on.
like not telling me he had a live in girlfriend or that he wasn't single for example.
in case he's forgotten the bullshit he spoons out to get laid.
he's very smooth.

but bret is here and life is good.
bret and i are in a good place.
the sex is good and we click.
it is a shame he only loves me as a friend
but i'm getting over that too.
time is amazing at healing emotional wounds like unrequited love.

this next year i'm going to embrace my life like never before.
i'm making a list of things i've always wanted to do that are doable.
12 of them, one for each month of 2012.
and it has to be budget friendly since i'm going to be saving for my first house.

there are so many bad decisions i've made in the past.
i really should have died several times.
but i'm still here, so i got to pull my head out of my ass and live!!!

Today Sucked!

work was exhausting and brutal. i have a problem that has me stumped which is just adding to the long list of my frustrations.
bret got his house broken into and all his and his daughter's stuff stolen.
his daughter has walking pneumonia at 6.
plus, his boss/landlord told him if he didn't get his custody stuff resolved on 11/30 he needed to move.
wow, when it rains it pours and i was of no comfort.
i couldn't say more then i'm sorry, i feel bad, i hope your daughter feels better.
then i just started to ramble on and on about myself.
and he went off on me, rightly so, i wasn't being consoling or comforting.
i'm not good at that sort of thing.
i don't function well in times of crisis, i shut down and go on auto pilot.

on the up side yesterday, scott, jackie, and other told me i was pretty.
that's always nice to hear.

i'm getting away from my goals.
i'm losing my focus. i'm letting others influence me again
i think i will meet my birthday goal of 199 pounds, i actually lowered it to 192.
but as usual i'm getting obsessed with it and i'm afraid i'll take it off too quickly.
my birthday isn't until nov. 28th
so it is time to readjust my perspective and zero back in on my health.

tonight was grilled chicken and broccoli with cheese sauce (red. fat)
and a granny smith wood chuck hard cider.
that's a fruit serving right ;)

manless, sexless, and microwaveless!!!!

This morning i had to tell the guy i didn't want to go out with him anymore it just wasn't clicking for me.
he said okay, i wished him good luck and that is done!
i thought that was easy.
he was so pushy on the first date, but with the migraine i dismissed it as me be overly sensitive.
he came back early from being out of town so we went out last night again.
and he was really really being pushy.

and it wasn't my migraine, he really isnt' funny but he thinks he is.
he kept poking me, and touching me with his feet (shoes on, so gross)
he just kept trying to force me to cuddle or snuggle or something.
i do NOT like it when a man tries to force closeness on me.
that is something that should come naturally.

by the time he left i didnt' want him to touch me EVER again.
he was just pushing things too hard, trying to push intimacy and familiarity when there was none.
the conversations were stilted and didn't flow well.
we just didn't not connect on any level!!!

i am having no luck at with this online dating.
i cancelled pof and zoosk.
i told them why, every guy i go out with wants to grope me and push sex on me.
i am very clear i want to ease into a relationship and get to know somone because i am looking for a long term relationship.
appearantly, no on knows what the definition of that is, so i googled it and for my review it is..

Long term relationship is a common, contemporary term for intimate interpersonal relationships that may be lifelong and may or may not consist in marriage. Long term relationships are considered the opposite of casual relationships, which tend to be short in duration. The notation "LTR" is used to designate "long term relationship" in "personals" advertisements

the guy i want to be having a LTR with i can't have because he's in a LTR wtih somebody else. (scott)
the guy i fell in love with before him loves me to death, but he isn't in love with me and only wants to EVER be friends. (bret)
and the guy before that married me and treated me like shit.

i say i'm striking out all over the place.

and the cherry on top of all this man cake, the microwave, that we bought less then a year ago, shorted out!!!
now i'm manless, sexless, and microwaveless!!!!

Another Confusing Day

men confuse me. the neighbor wanted to talk to me, he wants to explain things. and his little bunny has moved in with him. so he says he's heading down to talk to me around noon, it's going on 4pm and he never showed. and his little bunny is now home. he says he got caught up in work stuff. i said, whatever, he did not like that answer. i don't know what he wants from me. i think bret had it right, it is human nature, especially mine, to want what i can't have. at least i'm having sex with bret. the neighbor is just a big ole tease!!!

my head hurts. i hate sinus headaches. i had chinese food. i watched my portions, and i have leftovers for 3 days now! but now i feel like i need to walk 5 more miles. i did walk 3 miles today. so i did good. if tomorrow is a nice morning, i'll take sophie to the dog park and do 3 laps, aka miles. and then do 3 here around the parking lot for a 6 mile day.

the walking helps clear my head and lifts my spirits. i just wish my sex drive would calm down. or that bret lived closer so he and i could have sex more often. he's depressed over his custody situation. i'm depressed over my whole lonely existence. bret was very clear that we are just friends. there will be no talking every day on the phone. no long distance relationship, he has a life and he has to live it. i'm so sick of him telling me what to do. and he doesn't even think he's telling me what to do.

i should have known that nothing would change with him. now if i can just get this knot out of my stomach that the neighbor gives me every time he looks at me i'd be doing swell.

i love men so much i hate them, every single fucking one of them, even the gay ones!

I can't help myself

well, i'm doing it to myself again. i let him back in. i invited him, opened the door and my legs and just took it hard, fast, slow, and over and over again. i can't say no to him. i sent him a facebook and told him i missed him and he missed me to. now he's back, but we are back to just friends that have sex sometimes. i don't want to call it friends with benefits. i don't want to label it. i don't want to have to explain it to anyone. i don't want to defend myself when it comes to him.

i was honest. i told him a part of me will always be in love with him. the weight loss made the sex even greater, which i didn't realize was possible. i tell ya he knows my buttons and he pushes them expertly. it was so hot between us. i don't know what to do. i can't put pressure on either one of us. i don't want to get married or have kids so what am i giving up just by fucking around with him. i know my heart will jump in eventually and make a mess of things, but right now i just love the way he makes me feel.

1/2 a mental health day

took the afternoon off today, running the kid and i to the doctor's and just decided to make an afternoon out of it. don't feel like rushing around to get back to work when it is a beautiful day outside today!!!

this weekend is going to be full of spring cleaning and just relaxing. i hope to reconnect with a friend via phone conversation. i haven't talked to him in awhile, want to see how he is doing, doesn't do facebook like a "normal" person does these days, so i have to actually call him. wow, other then my dad and making appointments, i don't really call anyone anymore.

i wonder if one day phones will be ancient history, well land lines anyways, we haven't had a landline for almost 2 years now, all cell phone, it's just easier and one less bill to pay.

hope every one has a great weekend and i'm super excited about next friday, we get the day off from work for good friday, yipee!!!!

cut the ties that bind and gag

yesterday, i unfriended my "friend". he came to my town and didn't call or stop by, even tho i have x-mas gifts for him in my closet and he knows this. i called to check on him, and he said, oh, i'm here in town, can i call you back i'm visiting someone!!! he called back and instead of saying, hey let me swing by, grab the stuff, say hi, he said i'm on my way home!!! it really hurt me! Am i over reacting???
Cuz i do that sometimes!

but he's the one that wanted to still be friends. and he tells me he's just meeting with lawyers and heading home, that he'd probably be on the road before i got home from work. i waited until 7 to call him and he was still in town!!! he called back around 8. i know it's late, but 15 minutes, seriously. i am going to back up what i can and ship it to him. i've just been hurt enough!!!

sadness is my second skin

i'm covered in sadness since friday night. i got dumped, i cheated on my diet, i got a migraine, i overspent and am short on rent now, and today is the 15th anniversary of my Mother's death.

yes, sadness is my second skin.

I kept crying all weekend. It hurt so much to be told that he only wants to be friends and the i will never never ever be anything more to him then his friend. i was so disappointed in him. i know he's going thru alot with his ex, but he's shutting me out. why does he have to make life 10x's harder then it needs to be? i am in love with him.

i am good at loving him. all he had to do was sit back and relax and let me love him, but he can't do that. he doesn't believe he deserves to be treated with love, respect, kindness. i had hoped with time he'd realize how wonderful we are together. how we could build a little family together. i truly love him and his child. i feel like a deflated balloon, denied my right to soar to the sky.

i think my Mom would have liked him. I wish she were here right now. She'd have alot to say, she always did.

So i binged on a small thin crusted bacon cheeseburger from domino's and it was so good!!! but i felt awful, then all the stress gave me a migraine and i missed work yesterday. but i've been good and i'll just have to fess up and talk to the dietician about it. i've got to battle my demons, and emotional eating is one of them.

i lost the battle on friday, but i'm still in the war.
the revolution continues...

After the Long weekend

i am exhausted!

bret and the puppy, named otis, are now safe at their home getting settled. this weekend was full of activity. we made xmas cookies, played with the puppies, had long deep conversations, went to see tron (3 out of 5 stars), ate out, and just connected i think at a very deep level this weekend.

this weekend was less about the physical part of our relationship and explored more emotional connections. he was melancholy and way to hard on himself. i encouraged him to give himself a break. he's been through alot in just the past 6 months. why do we find it easier to forgive others then to forgive ourselves?

merry christmas and happy new years!!!

I love giving awesome gifts for christmas

Bret and Jade loved the video of the puppy I posted for them. And Bret gave me the okay to pick them the puppy up as their Christmas present. I picked up the puppy, yet to be named at lunch today and he is just so much fun. He and our dog, Sophie, are just having a blast.

He's whizzed in the house 3 times now!!!

I think he's trying to mark his spaces. Sophie makes sure he gets no more attention then she does. I'm excited. Bret thinks I'm more excited then he is and he's probably right. I just love that I found their dog for them. I feel like a matchmaker full of happiness and love.

Christmas rocks!!!

Thanksgiving Eve

All thru the house a dog was pacing,
a kid was dancing with headphones on,
and i am blogging this thanksgiving eve.

i am thankful for electricity and my eccentricity.
i am thankful for my father.
i am thankful for my daughter.
i am thankful for my dog.
i am thankful for my friend and lover, Bret.

i am thankful for my good health.
i am thankful for my good job.
i am thankful i do not go hungry.
i am thankful i do not go cold.
i am thankful to have a home.

all thru the house we are celebrating.
the quiet, the rain, the life we live.
all is precious and dear.

i am thankful to be here.

my baggage is dragging me down

i had thought we'd gotten rid of alot of crap, but appearantly, crap can breed. almost 1/2 of the new 2 car garage is full with stuff we just can't get rid of. mostly keepsakes, trophies, books, and photos.

we need to finish bringing over the kitchen, minus the fridge, which moves on friday.

then after work i gotta kick my own ass into gear and get my bathroom, closet and dresser drawers over here.

we got the cable and internet going, so gab slept in the new place, because she's where ever internet and cable are. i have to sleep on a mattress, my floor sleeping days have passed.

dad comes tomorrow. then we move the dog runner, shower heads, mattresses and box springs and kitchen table and fridge!!!

almost home... saturday, it looks like i'll have maybe 3 -4 guys to help me. It should take long, washer, dryer, 3 dressers and the credenza should wrap it up.

bret gets her saturday night and i'm hoping after a fun filled night of well adult fun, that he won't be upset if i spend all sunday afternoon cleaning, cleaning, cleaning the old place. i hope he helps, wonder what i'll have to do to get him to clean the old place where the cat used to be which he's allergic to, hmmmm....

sunday morning i gotta take the kid to work for a meeting, i think bret and i will eat at ihop while she does her meeting.

tuesday i turn back over the old place. hope i do a descent enough job on cleaning that i'm not slammed with a ton of move out charges.

Reality Check

We are just friends with those yummy benefits.
That is all we will ever be.
You think I'm passive, I'm just different with you, because I wanted you to like me, so I toned it down.
But I do that when I really want a man to want me.
If I have him wrapped around my finger I'm a dominant bitch, but some men like that, unfortunately, that bores the shit out of me.

So, while I get to enjoy the benefits, I need to look for a man locally, to actually have a long term relationship with. I ain't getting any younger. And I am not going to change. I need attention!
I like having someone ask me how my day went and listening to me or pretending to listen to me.

Like I pretend to listen to him now, even though I could care less about the video game or listen to the same story for the 4th time.
My memory is bad, but usually if you tell me a store 2 or so times, it starts to stick. I hate saying I've heard this before, but really I have.

And sometimes he just doesn't let me talk at all. And when I start to say something he just keeps going. And even worse, he doesn't let me finish what I was saying, so I end up blurting out the most outrageous thing I can think of just to get him to stop talking and go what was that.
Don't get me wrong, I like him, I think he's smart, funny, but he's really starting to bore me.

This happens to me with every guy I ever like. I get to know them and then they aren't that interesting. It's not so bad with him, but I'm a realist at my core and no matter how many pretty pictures I try to paint in my mind about loving him and living with him, they all end badly. I just am not made for a long term relationship, and I want one so badly, like a kid who wants a panther for christmas.

I can blame being bi-polar or blame the borderline personality disorder, but I think I'm just a lazy person and trying to build a relationship with someone, even a friendship, is just too exhausting. He thinks I'm agressive in the bedroom, and I am, because, frankly, when we are fucking, he's not talking and neither am I and it's a nice break!

what a miserable week

i had a great weekend. but it's been all down hill since tuesday.
i'm sick.
i'm screwing up at work.
i can't think straight.
i'm coughing up my lungs full of snot.
my chest hurts.
and he and his girlfriend are still together.
i want him to be happy, i'd just wish it was with them.
but shit happens and i just got to roll with the punches.
i'm really starting to not give a fuck anymore.

good mood

i am in a good mood. it's gloomy outside, but inside i feel all warm and fuzzy.
i have an old high school friend, who i reconnected with on facebook, and is becoming a good friend, coming down for the weekend.
i'm so excited.

i really like him. i like talking to him. i like hearing him talk.
i can't wait until we can sit down face to face and just talk about
anything and everything.

it is so rare for me to click with someone.
i usually am so odd that people just don't get me and
they give up trying to, but he seems to just roll with it
and i think he's got most of me figured out.

it is so refreshing to talk to someone about everything,
and i'm not afraid of offending him or scaring him.
he doesn't make me feel stupid or inferior.
he's not condescending.

this is good. we like the same movies.
and we can agree to disagree on stuff.
i know some people if you don't agree with them on something,
they get all pouty and won't talk to you.
it's so childish.
i am really looking forward to this weekend.
can't wait for it to be saturday night.

here's to friends, old or new, it's always good to hear from you.