Love and Star Wars

Well, it has been awhile, and I have a new boyfriend, like around the time I last wrote.
It's going good. He is a HUGE Star Wars fan!!!!
He is my kind of geeky, lol.
I am totally in love with him.

He has 3 teenagers, 2 girls and a boy.
He does live 2.5 hours away.
So it is hard to get to go see him.
I have joined snapchat and instagram.
My kid was very proud of me.

His mother passed away at the beginning of October so it has been crazy busy.
His grandmother just turned 92.

His youngest daughter is turning 16 in December and wants a kitty.
She did want a baby sibling, but I told her I'm fixed and she quickly recovered with I want a kitty!!!

He RUBS MY FEET!!!
Now that's a keeper!

He gets me flowers every time I come to visit.
Lily's this last time.
Wild flowers before that.
Roses the first time and I told him I don't like roses and he remembered!

He is funny.
He is my pumpkin!

The kids can be exhausting.
There's always something going on.
My kid is in college so it's a different pace with teenagers.
I had forgotten how much chaos there is.
But they are good kids and for the most part they get along.

I'm super happy!!!!!

We have had many adventures together.
I will try to post a few here soon.

A Sad Cold Rain

it is a dreary day, a sad cold rain is falling.
of course, the rain can't really be sad, i'm the sad one.
i shouldn't be surprised that i can't shake this depression.
yesterday it was the 16th anniversary of my mom's death.

i was doing okay until jodi posted on facebook she was thinking of me and mom.
i couldn't concentrate on anything after that.
i miss her.
i try to remember the good times, but so much of my emotional damage comes from my relationship with my mother.

the whole reason i went into computers is because she didn't know anything about them,
so she couldn't constantly correct me.
she overtook anything i did that she knew how to do because i wasn't doing it right.
she could be my biggest cheerleader and my cruelest critic.
i guess she was only doing what her mother did to her.
she could never please grandma lois.
i know my mom loved me, but i wish she could've been less critical of me.

whenever i pick myself apart, whenever i fill up with doubt,
it was always her voice in my head when i was younger.
the 16 years has made her voice go away.
i can't even remember what she sounded like without watching a video.
but now it is my voice in my head that has replaced hers.
and i think that's a very bad thing.

i love my mom.
i miss my mom.
even my shrink said i never had a chance to resolve my issues with mom,
so i'm letting myself be haunted by what if's and maybe's.
isn't funny how i tear myself apart and put myself down
all because i think she wouldn't be proud of me today.
i have no idea how'd she feel about me and my life today.
it's all in my head, it's always been all in my head.
and it is always my fault!

The Struggle Within

i'm still feeling sorry for myself.
my little pity party has been full of candy bars, cookies, pop, and taco bell.
i know i need to get ahold of this misery and reign it in,
but i'm just so damn depressed over losing the baby.

i saw scott yesterday.
he asked me how i was.
i just shrugged.
i asked him how he was.
he said fine.
yup, that was it.
lovely wasn't it.

i'm struggling with this.
i know the internet says it is all normal.
all these emotions i'm going thru are part of the process.
i don't even know if i had someone to talk to what i would say.
i've made up my mind that i'm going to try again.
once the doctor gives me the okay.

there's a website where men donate their sperm for free.
it's crazy, but i really want this.
i love being a mother.
i'm a good mother.
i want one more baby.
is that so wrong?

i tried to wait until i was married.
then my ex-husband told me he didn't want children.
it crushed me to pieces.
i love kids.
i love being around kids.

scott turned out to be the calm one in all this.
he surprised me.
of course, he was so sure he wasn't the father,
i don't think he was sweating it.
i hated to tell him that my other kid got here cuz her dad pulled out.
pulling out doesn't have a very high success rate for birth control.

i'd love it if scott would help me get pregnant again.
i'd even get paperwork drawn up to terminate is parental rights and
if he wanted i'd just tell everyone i got the sperm from that web site.

i was dreaming when the cramps woke me up thursday morning.
the baby was 7-8 months old, she had scott's hazel eyes and my blonde curly hair, Clara.
scott was feeding her something green, peas, spinach, who knows.
she spit it out on him and laughed like only babies that age can laugh.
then she said "da da" and scott's face lit up like a christmas tree.
this was the first dream i had picturing what the baby would look like and i dreamed she looked like scott
and was scott's baby.

maybe it was because bret had been so mean to me on our tuesday call.
i only facebooked bret about the miscarriage.
i have no idea if he knows, but i'll be damned if i'll call and tell him.
i'm done with him.

he justifies being a total dick because it's the truth or his perception of the truth.
the truth is no justification for being a mean, hurtful, and petty.
and most of what he was ranting about was what he hoped the truth to be.
i figured him out, he's only happy when he's miserable.
and lynn will continue to make him miserable.

he told me i had too many negative influences in my life.
after i hung up crying and feeling so small,
i realized the biggest negative influence in my life is bret.
every time i talk to him he makes me feel like shit.
so i'm ridding myself of him and his negativity.
i wish him the best in all his future endeavors.

sadness is my second skin

i'm covered in sadness since friday night. i got dumped, i cheated on my diet, i got a migraine, i overspent and am short on rent now, and today is the 15th anniversary of my Mother's death.

yes, sadness is my second skin.

I kept crying all weekend. It hurt so much to be told that he only wants to be friends and the i will never never ever be anything more to him then his friend. i was so disappointed in him. i know he's going thru alot with his ex, but he's shutting me out. why does he have to make life 10x's harder then it needs to be? i am in love with him.

i am good at loving him. all he had to do was sit back and relax and let me love him, but he can't do that. he doesn't believe he deserves to be treated with love, respect, kindness. i had hoped with time he'd realize how wonderful we are together. how we could build a little family together. i truly love him and his child. i feel like a deflated balloon, denied my right to soar to the sky.

i think my Mom would have liked him. I wish she were here right now. She'd have alot to say, she always did.

So i binged on a small thin crusted bacon cheeseburger from domino's and it was so good!!! but i felt awful, then all the stress gave me a migraine and i missed work yesterday. but i've been good and i'll just have to fess up and talk to the dietician about it. i've got to battle my demons, and emotional eating is one of them.

i lost the battle on friday, but i'm still in the war.
the revolution continues...

Post holiday depression

yup, i'm totally depressed. at least i have some strongbow in the fridge. like drinking will make me feel any better, but at least i won't feel any worse. last day off before i head back to work for a 4 day week. he wasn't able to visit, throwing my designs in disarray. how am i to show him how fabulous i am if he's never here?

well, i don't he'll come down next week either. we are both flat broke. mine is more self-inflicted then his. i keep eating out. porking up for my new year's revolution of changing myself. why do i think i'm going to starve to death when i'm fucking 100 pounds over weight. that's totally in my head, right?! me and food have a chaotic and symbiotic relationship. i really do have to blame my mother on this one. who takes an 8 year old to the doctor complaining she's too fat and asking if they can send me to a dietician or give me a pill for it. i was chunky, sheesh, if she stopped giving me a cookie every fucking time i got cried maybe i wouldn't have gotten so fat in the first place and end up equating food with feeling better!!!

i do love my mom, but she did some serious mental damage when it comes to my self image. i've tried not to do the same to my kid, but we all do damage to our children. even when we go out of our way not to, it makes them weak, and think the whole world is supposed to clap every time she walks by. my kid can't take any kind of criticism without thinking it's a personal attack of a physical nature on her entire being. that's my fault, because i was over critized by my mother, i never critized my own child. see damage done when i was trying to rectify the mistakes of my mother.
it's just a sick and twisted circle. it really is.

christmas is disappointment

well, i'm spending christmas eve without the man i adore. he's on call at work christmas eve and day for snow removal. and he has to report to work an hour after being called and i live 3 hours away. so he just can't come to visit. so much for playing naughty santa. it just totally takes the cheer out of my christmas spirit.

my kid works noon - 4 tomorrow. and christmas day we are supposed to be buried in snow, so no driving 2 hours to visit family. the car can barely handle driving back and forth to work. wow, christmas is going to suck. which is so sad.

christmas is all about disappointment. first when you are a kid and you rip open all your presents totally excited until they are all open and you didn't get a damn thing you wanted! And then when you get a little older and you find out santa isn't real, what a disappointment. then when you become an adult and you make all these plans and they fall through or you can't afford to buy any christmas presents, major disappointments. Christmas is and always has been tied to disappointment!

i miss my mom now more then ever. this was her favorite time of year. i can't believe that 15 years ago this was her last christmas. today is my nephew's 15th birthday. mom went to see him in virginia and a month later she died. she'd be so proud of him and all her grandchildren. my mom was truly a person that lived for others, especially her grandchildren.

merry christmas and happy new year. i'm already disappointed so there's not much more depressed i can get at this point.

Mother's Day 2010

I am alone on Mother's day. I miss my kid. I miss my Mom. She died in Jan. 1996, fourteen long years ago. But Mother's Day is bittersweet for me. My kid says my gift is that she's not here, but I miss her. I would always be with my Mom on Mother's day. I wonder if I screwed up raising my kid. Mom died before her 5th birthday. I let everything go when Mom died. I gained 40 pounds overnight. I stopped paying my bills. I stopped caring and fell into my very first huge depression. It lasted a long time. I never took the time to grieve her, to mourn her, to acknowledge the good and bad in our relationship. I am scared of repeating her mistakes. I am scared of dying at 48 like her. I don't want to be her, but the more I try not to be her the more I become her. Is everyone's relationship with their Mother this complex?

Cinco De Momma

My baby girl bought me dinner at Chipotle!!!! And since my tummy had finally settled I jumped right into a chicken burrito. It was yummy!!! But I might regret that later, i guess i won't find out until later tonight. Of course, dinner came with a don't expect anything for mother's day, quip. I wasn't expecting anything at all since she's heading out to visit her paternal grandma and aunt for the next two weeks. and I have to work this mother's day. i really hope they move the maitenance schedule to the following sunday.

i like to get reflective on mother's day about mom. we had such a dynamic relationship. when i was younger it was more combative and after i had my daughter we became more like friends. i do miss her. i'd like to blame all my craziness on her, but she's probably like 75% of it. i wish sometimes i could just go back and be holding her hand there at the end. we are born alone and we die alone.

and i worry i'll die before i'm 50 just like my mom. i worry about that alot, yet i fail in controlling my eating habits and exercising, which puts me on the path of a blockage in my heart. i need to be proactive but all i do is worry. worry worry worry.