Life Goes On, and is bumpy!

Well the dissolution process has begun.
And it couldn't be more confusing.
All of it's electronic and i keep filing crap incorrectly.
and get that's wrong, sorry, should have been clearer.
So hopefully, sept. 12th brings a dissolution and then i'm back to single.
Not that i think it is anything to celebrate
i am going to stay single.

I am enjoying my down time.
I am seeing a chiropractor for my migraines.
I am more active in my church.
I am happy.

It's so nice to not just feel empty and depressed.
Everything still hurts and I'm still dying, but hey, it's not all bad.
We all take a step towards death every second of the day.
I am ready to sit back and just see what life brings.

Hope can bring happiness.

Love and Star Wars

Well, it has been awhile, and I have a new boyfriend, like around the time I last wrote.
It's going good. He is a HUGE Star Wars fan!!!!
He is my kind of geeky, lol.
I am totally in love with him.

He has 3 teenagers, 2 girls and a boy.
He does live 2.5 hours away.
So it is hard to get to go see him.
I have joined snapchat and instagram.
My kid was very proud of me.

His mother passed away at the beginning of October so it has been crazy busy.
His grandmother just turned 92.

His youngest daughter is turning 16 in December and wants a kitty.
She did want a baby sibling, but I told her I'm fixed and she quickly recovered with I want a kitty!!!

He RUBS MY FEET!!!
Now that's a keeper!

He gets me flowers every time I come to visit.
Lily's this last time.
Wild flowers before that.
Roses the first time and I told him I don't like roses and he remembered!

He is funny.
He is my pumpkin!

The kids can be exhausting.
There's always something going on.
My kid is in college so it's a different pace with teenagers.
I had forgotten how much chaos there is.
But they are good kids and for the most part they get along.

I'm super happy!!!!!

We have had many adventures together.
I will try to post a few here soon.

New Horizons

life is so good right now.
i am happy and content.
he's so perfect for me.
i get so excited when i see him i jump up and run to him.
i've never been like this with a man.

i've always held something back.
or i found a flaw i used to throw back at them.
he's awakened a renewed since of hope in me.
i feel an urgency to show him my love.
i don't hide how i feel.
i don't try to manipulate him.

he feels like home.

this is a new horizon for me.
these experiences he brings to me are energizing me in a way i've not known before.
this is how being in love should be.
i want to lift him up not tear him down.
he wants me to feel sexy and loved.
he doesn't point out my flaws and make me feel small.

he's truly a gentleman.
he shows me respect.
that's what i had been missing with the others.
i'd throw in my line for their love and they'd nibble but never bite.
for the first time, i feel like this is right!

i'm not scared.
i'm not full of doubt.
my friend and others are like this is too fast.
you need to slow it down.
but why?

we want to be together.
isn't that what love means, two people that want to spend time together.
two people that want to please each other.
two people that support one another.

i finally got a man i can see spending the rest of my life with
and i'm in this all the way!

My Life Changed Last Night

Last night my whole future changed with one question, Are you falling for me?
I was terrified to answer him.
He wanted complete honesty.
My friend was like you are falling for him.
Maybe it's because she forced me to face the truth,
Maybe it's because it was via text and not face to face,
but i responded honestly, yes, i'm falling for you.

my heart is the optimist in this body.
he asked if i had been trying to tell him that in my texts the last couple of days,
because i was using the word love a lot when i responded to him.
i did not realize i had been doing that.
i would chant in my mind two adults having fun over and over all the time.
any time he would be sweet or take my breath away i would say the chant.

so it was my turn.
the L word was out.
i asked him, are you falling for me.
it seemed to take ages for him to respond.
i was nervous and anxious and scared.
i knew there could be a chance the answer would be no.
he said he was falling for me, but he wasn't in love yet.
but every day he falls deeper into me.
i did a happy dance all around the room.

Love is the most powerful drug in the world.
it can make you higher then heaven when it is right
and feel lower then hell when it is wrong.
i feel like for the first time this is right.
i don't have any doubts.
he's awesome.
he's amazing.
he's smart.
he's funny.
he's ambitious.
he's perfect for me.

he even said he wants me to have his baby for real.
i can't take any pills to help.
it has to be all natural.
i haven't been ovulating.
and this morning, i pee on the ovulation predictor kit and it is positive.
God answers my prayers.
i get a good man and a baby.

i hope i get to spend the rest of my life showing him how much i appreciate him and love him.
the rest of my life started with him last night!

8.8 down 71.2 to go

i lost 8.8 pounds this past week!!!

it is so hard!

i'm trying to undo the damage i've done to myself with over eating since i was a kid. i use food to cope with everything. i even had a panic attack over losing the 8.8 pounds. i had a hot dog before i got ahold of myself. i've always been the fat girl. who am i if i'm not the fat girl anymore???

i have to redefine myself by my insides instead of what i look on the outside. it is scaring the crap out of me. but i talked myself down from the ledge. i'm not doing this because of how i look.

my very life is at stake. i don't want to die before i'm 50, like Mom. I need to lose weight to save my life. My tryglcerides and chlosterol are out of control. My back, knees, and body just hurt from the extra weight.

i'm doing this because it's right for me. i want to live a long and healthy life. i don't want to be winded just getting up from a chair. i don't want to be tired just walking up the stairs. i want to run! i want to be healthy!

i can do this! i can do this! i can do this!!!!

i love to eat, but i love living more!
on with the revolution~

Back Pains

I have fibromyalgia syndrome (fms). I've been told by different doctors that it's
1 - an over active nerve condition
2 - a sleep disorder
3 - all in my head
4 - a neuron transmitter issue in the brain

I have gotten used to the constant throbs and aches that range from annoying to excruciatingly painful. I've gotten used to the fact that any physical activity I do results in huge pain. I've tried excercise, diet, medications, prayer and physical therapy. I've been to web sites, read books, consulted specialist, and heard opinions of the non medical people who think they know how to fix your ailments. And all that I know is that after 10 years of this crap I'm just tired of it all.

I've accepted that no one really knows what causes fms, how to treat fms, or if you ever get cured of fms. What works for one person won't work for another and what really gets frustrating is that approximately every 6-12 months what ever was working stops working and you are back to square one.

I have come to the conclusion that I need a new brain! The fms, bi-polar disorder, and borderline personality disorder are all connected to the brain and how it functions. Clearly, my brain does not function well. It's broken and needs replaced. Talk to anyone who knows me and they would agree and only be 1/2 kidding. I have accepted the fact that I will never be the healthy one, the thin one, the thoughtful one, the creative one, the tactful one, the happy one, the pretty one. I am simply the crazy obesely fat one!

I did come up with a few guidelines in my treatment protocols. I will be put on no medication unless it's been on the market long enough to have a generic. I learned this the hard way when bextra was working wonderfully for me and it got pulled off the market because it was causing deaths. I also will not let any doctor try to tell me fms doesn't exist. It does. I feel it and live with it every day. And the final guideline is get lots of rest, drink lots of fluids, and remember suicide is not a solution! (merely a temptation and coward's way out)

No one ever told me life would be easy or fun or interesting. My parents were wise to critize me, let me fall down, tell me the truth, and not coddle me in fear of hurting my feelings. Because of how I was raised, with love, sarcasm, and self-deprecating humor I am able to survive this one day at a time. I can even laugh sometimes. So it's not all bad, but right now the bad and the good are tied.

So I'm off to lie down, in hopes my arms will stop aching, my back will stop throbbing, and my dizziness and headache will pass. The ibprofen taken. The hot shower and icy hot is next. And I'll hope like a fool, that tomorrow will be a better less painful day.

Pizza Addiction

I am seriously addicted to pizza. My fave is green peppers, sausage, and pepperoni on a thin crust. I got one from a local place today and I've been munching on it off and on. I know my chlosterol is too high. But I can't give up pizza. Even if I can only have it once a month it's better then never at all.

This lifestyle change is killing me. I stopped going to my workouts because the kid came home and I was swamped with doing stuff with her. I've also been working alot of weekends, this one included. I have been remembering to take the med twice a day most days. I still just can't stomach most fruits and veggies. Where did my parents go wrong? My mom always made a veggie at dinner and we always had to eat our veggies.

Maybe it was this forced eating of the veggies that has led me to not wanting to even buy them, let alone eat them. It always feels like such a burden to eat my veggies. It's not that I think they taste bad. It's like they don't taste like anything at all. I do like green peppers, brocoli, cucumbers, peas, and carrots. But even if I buy them I don't fix them, because I'm so lazy. It's easier to throw something in the microwave then to get out a knife and cutting board and cut up some veggies.

I go back to the doctor in October to have my chlosterol numbers checked and if they still aren't down, good bye pizza, good bye and hello veggies. I hope the med is working. I've made changes, reduced fat cheeses, fat free pudding, diet frozen foods, vitamins and fish oil. I just hope it's enough. I pray it's enough.