Pancreatic Cancer sucks!

My brother died one week before thanksgiving this year from pancreatic cancer. They found the spot on his pancreas one week after our cousin died in January and they gave him six to nine months, he lasted nearly 11 months. He was always stubborn, I am having such a hard time talking about him in past tense. I have a constant knot in my stomach, I can't eat, but I need to eat, but nothing sounds good. I miss him, I love him. I hate that he died at 52. Our Mom died at 48. Our Aunt, her sister, died at 47. It's all such a fucking tragedy, that so many in our family die so young. I worry about my Dad, he's had to bury both his parents, his wife, and now his son. It's nearly too much for a good man to bear. He looks so tired and weary. He's 76 now, he used to seem so young and invinsible to me. And now, I find myself wondering if his heart will just give out from the grief. I feel like my own heart is just going to collapse from the sadness sometimes. This year has been so very cruel to us all, hasn't it? Lock downs, quarentines, viruses, cancer, death, disease, divorces, it's bringing out the worst and the best of everyone. The world has made so much technical progress and made so little personal progression. My brother wasn't perfect, he had many flaws, but he was a fierce friend, loyal, passionate, and when he loved you, he loved you with his whole heart. But damn, when he got pissed off or angry, it was black and white, on or off, there was no middle ground with him. Dad could always calm him down, and he was always sorry afterwards and would just move on like it never happened. The doctor's said it was because of the aneurysm he had at 22, that should have killed him then. Only 1 out of 4 surive that, so he was a walking, talking miracle for 30 years. He leaves behind a legacy of love and hope, two children, and four grandchildren. And a hole in all our lives where we know he should be. God speed my brother --- I love you!

Love and Star Wars

Well, it has been awhile, and I have a new boyfriend, like around the time I last wrote.
It's going good. He is a HUGE Star Wars fan!!!!
He is my kind of geeky, lol.
I am totally in love with him.

He has 3 teenagers, 2 girls and a boy.
He does live 2.5 hours away.
So it is hard to get to go see him.
I have joined snapchat and instagram.
My kid was very proud of me.

His mother passed away at the beginning of October so it has been crazy busy.
His grandmother just turned 92.

His youngest daughter is turning 16 in December and wants a kitty.
She did want a baby sibling, but I told her I'm fixed and she quickly recovered with I want a kitty!!!

He RUBS MY FEET!!!
Now that's a keeper!

He gets me flowers every time I come to visit.
Lily's this last time.
Wild flowers before that.
Roses the first time and I told him I don't like roses and he remembered!

He is funny.
He is my pumpkin!

The kids can be exhausting.
There's always something going on.
My kid is in college so it's a different pace with teenagers.
I had forgotten how much chaos there is.
But they are good kids and for the most part they get along.

I'm super happy!!!!!

We have had many adventures together.
I will try to post a few here soon.

Saying Goodbye to a Good Man, Dadaw

It's always hard to say good bye. It seems even more difficult when you are saying good bye to the last of a generation.
The kid's great grandpa, her Dadaw, past away at 85.
There's only one other great grandparent left.

Dadaw was a good man.
He grew up in a different time.
His childhood home had no electricity, running water, internet, or appliances.
The kid would DIE if our house was missing any of those.
It was amazing to see all of his kids, grand kids, great grand kids and great great grand kids gathered together.
He truly was a blessed man.

He was quiet, dignified, kind, thoughtful, and when he said something he meant it.
It's hard to find people like that anymore.
He never rushed or hurried.
He really took his time to do things.
He was patient with everyone, especially his grand kids.

The last few years he had begun to suffer from Alzheimer's and was having trouble remember all the grand kids especially.
He had fallen and broken his hip and had to go into a home to rehab.
I just don't think he was able to recover from that.
The kid works in a nursing home/rehab facility and she sees elderly people go downhill quickly everyday.
She was so upset, she'd just gone down to visit for the 4th of July and hadn't stopped in to see him.
Everyone told her he wouldn't have recognized her, but she still wishes she had seen him.
They said he was doing fine and would be out in a few weeks instead she came home on Sunday and he died on Tuesday.

I told her she has to let go of that regret.
I know I have that with them Mom.
It bothers me to this day that I came home from the hospital.
You just don't know when people are going to die.
You can't guilt yourself over things like that, it's pointless guilt.
I told her to forgive herself.
Dadaw knew she loved him, just as she knows Dadaw loved her.

His love for his kids and grand kids was never in doubt.
He was so proud of all of them.

Yes, it is always the most difficult to say good bye to a good man.
We miss you Dadaw!

Straight and Narrow Like an Arrow

I'm working on my inner self trying to find a path that doesn't involve getting my heart ripped out and eating myself to death.
I'm scared of men and love so I've turned to God.
I'm burying myself behind the bible, scripture, weekly church attendance and Amens!
I've taken a vow of chastity and I'm focusing on my own spirtual, physical, emotional and mental health.

My A1C is down to 6.6 from 7.4 a year ago and if I keep going I can stop taking the diabetes medications!

I know through God all things are possible!

As I exercise I keep telling myself that.
I don't mind walking that exercise doesn't bother me at all, but when it is brutal weather I have to exercise inside.
I loathe my stationary bike!
It is nothing personal I'd just rather be outside walking.
But I ride the bike and then I do some minor lifting with a small weight since I have the bad shoulder I do small weight and many repititons.
I get sick of it quickly though, but I know my body needs it to be healthy.

My body is a temple not a wasteland or hollow vessel for men to walk all over!
I'm trying to be a better me.
I know it is in here somewhere but digging her out is more difficult than I ever imagined.
I'm a panic orientated person for all committments.
I never realized how committment phobic I've become.
I don't like putting anything in stone.
It freaks me out!!!!

I've had to start learning how to meditate before I pray.
My mind is so busy and full of static I could not clear it to pray anymore.
Every time I went to pray a million other thoughts would be swirling in there, work, the cute guy at church, chores, tv.
It was ridiculous, how can I connect with God and become calm and centered when I got 200 channels on at once in my head.
So, I bought some books and googled meditation and I taylored it to a more christian theme.
Now I focus on God and repeat an affirmation over and over why I focus on my breathing until I'm relaxed and focused.
Some days it can take 5-10 minutes before that happens.

I feel some days that the entire world lives inside my head and I can't turn it off.
I do feel better after I meditate and then pray.
I get a sense of calm and peace and even feel like one day God will answer me.
I don't ask for much, I mostly thank Him for putting up with me and my stubborn stupidity.
I am very stubborn and stupid and He is a patient Father.
I know I test my dad here on earth I can only imagine how Heavenly Father feels because he KNOWS EVERYTHING and my daddy here DOESN'T - lol :)

But I'am an imperfect soul and all I can do is work towards God's love and be humble, be honest, be kind, and of course, always silly!!!!

May you turn to God's love and it find you well.

More Strange Dreams

i'm having the worst and weirdest dreams of my life.
i'm not sleeping well at all.
today i have the worst sinus headache ever.

last night i dreamed my cell phone rang and it showed it was my dad.
i pick it up and say hi dad.
then a woman begins to yell at me.
what r u doing with him?
you'll never keep a man if you keep giving them what they want.

i'm like who is this.
this is your mother.
i'm like but your dead.
seriously who is this and where's my dad.
she yells at me, just because i'm dead doesn't give you the right to not listen to me anymore.
i raised you to be better then how you're behaving.
if you'd taken my advice you'd be married and have a couple of kids.
what kind of example are you setting for my granddaughter.

then she hangs up.

i call back, it rings for forever then goes to a machine.
i call back a couple more times same thing.
so i call my brother who lives nearby.
i told him some crazy lady is in dad's house pretending to be our mother.
you need to go check on dad.
my brother says she called me too.
so he heads over to dad's house while i call my brother who is out of state
and he says the same nut job called to yell at him too.

my brother who went to check on my dad calls me.
tells me he found dad unconscious on the floor with the phone in his hand.
so i rush home.
dad is in the hospital he had a heart attack.
can this dream get any worse at this point!

we tell the police about the phone calls from the woman calling herself our mom.
they pull the phone records.
they happened right around the time of dad's heart attack.
we go into to see dad, he's in critical condition.
he's conscious but barely.
we ask him who the crazy lady was and if she attacked him.
he said it was your mom, she made me dial the phone so she could talk to you guys once more.
and boy she was pissed.
then he dies!

i wake up crying...
i really need to find out why i'm having these dreams.

the new guy sexually satisfies me.
i have no complaints there.
but his time is limited.
it's just sex.
so i think i know this too will blow up in my face.
my dreams are just trying to tell me that.
i just wish i'd frappin' ovulate so he could get me pregnant.

A Sad Cold Rain

it is a dreary day, a sad cold rain is falling.
of course, the rain can't really be sad, i'm the sad one.
i shouldn't be surprised that i can't shake this depression.
yesterday it was the 16th anniversary of my mom's death.

i was doing okay until jodi posted on facebook she was thinking of me and mom.
i couldn't concentrate on anything after that.
i miss her.
i try to remember the good times, but so much of my emotional damage comes from my relationship with my mother.

the whole reason i went into computers is because she didn't know anything about them,
so she couldn't constantly correct me.
she overtook anything i did that she knew how to do because i wasn't doing it right.
she could be my biggest cheerleader and my cruelest critic.
i guess she was only doing what her mother did to her.
she could never please grandma lois.
i know my mom loved me, but i wish she could've been less critical of me.

whenever i pick myself apart, whenever i fill up with doubt,
it was always her voice in my head when i was younger.
the 16 years has made her voice go away.
i can't even remember what she sounded like without watching a video.
but now it is my voice in my head that has replaced hers.
and i think that's a very bad thing.

i love my mom.
i miss my mom.
even my shrink said i never had a chance to resolve my issues with mom,
so i'm letting myself be haunted by what if's and maybe's.
isn't funny how i tear myself apart and put myself down
all because i think she wouldn't be proud of me today.
i have no idea how'd she feel about me and my life today.
it's all in my head, it's always been all in my head.
and it is always my fault!

Meemaw died

my wonderful meemaw passed away at 2am this morning, peacefully in her sleep.
she had been in fading health the last couple of months.
she had just come home from the hospital yesterday.
i'm full of sorrow.

Brownie Irene was born on September 3, 1923.
She was one of ten children.
She smelled like cookies, sugar, and cinnamon buns.
She always wore her hair up.
She had beautiful brown eyes and almost black hair.
I was named Shannon Irene in her honor.
I have so many happy memories with her.

We were called the two irene's or i was called little irene.
she's how i got my southern drawal.
she taught me how make homemade biscuits.
she'd tell me when i was little that buying things is how she showed she loved me.
i told her the same thing when i was older and would try to buy her things.
she never fussed over herself.
she loved her grandchildren and great grandchildren with a deep absolute devotion.

as she aged she remained strong, stubborn, and adamant to be on her own.
in the past two years she had suffered a stroke, a bad fall, and finally a ruptured ulcer.
but i never heard her complain or gripe about her suffering.
she was steadfast in her faith that God would take care of her.
He took one of his everyday angels home today.
Meemaw i know heaven is awesome, but don't forget to remember i'm still down here and i miss you.

love always,
your little Irene!

woke up crying

i'm so very sad today. i woke up with tears running down my face. i had been dreaming earlier in the night of scott and happily ever after, but as the night progressed my dreams turned darker. i was in a hospital in a gown. i was frantically walking around endless corridors with doors that wouldn't open. i didn't know where i was, it was like every hospital i'd ever been in since i was a child was combined into one huge hospital in my head.

i was in alot of hospitals growing up with my mother's illness taking us lots of different places. dad and i would kill time by wondering aimlessly around these old and huge hospitals. we'd find chapels, and just empty spaces that we sometimes could never find again. i can't imagine my life being as sick as my mother was.

i hate hospitals. they smell like clean death. i woke up so sad, anxious, and just strung out with worry.

today, in a few minutes, i go back to the doctor for more testing on my sugar levels. my ac1 is 6.1 which indicates pre-diabetes.

i got books a tthe library on it and bought one at a store, plus i've been reading about it on the internet and all i can say is i'm so confused.
every book and site gives these steps to stopping or reversing pre-diabetes

1 - lose weight (even 10% of your body weight can help) --- i've lost 17% of my body weight this year

2 - exercise at least a 1/2 hour every day --- i exercise an hour every day

3 - eat a well balanced diet with limited starchy carbs -- i removed all "white" starchy carbs like potatoes from my diet months ago

4 - eat at regular 2-3 hour intervals (don't skip meals) - this is one i could work on, i eat when i'm hungry, but i always have breakfast, lunch and dinner

i just don't know what i'm doing wrong. i feel so frustrated. according to all the books and web sites my sugar should be fine.

i'm so freaked out, i was telling scott about it because he could tell i was upset and i started to cry.
he gave me a hug and said they can do things for this it's not the end of the world.
but i don't want to have to stick myself with some meter all day long and give myself shots or take pills.
i'm trying to have a baby here, this is the worst timing ever.

i have alot of questions for my doctor. it's like i just can't catch a break on my health.
first it was tryglcerides and chlosterol.
then it was my vitamin d
and now it's my sugar.

i fix one thing and another gets out of whack!!!!
i'm so very sad about that.

10 years later

9/11/11 - 10 years have past, but it could be a 100 years and the pain lingers, you will not be forgotten.

Life is eternal; and love is immortal; and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. ~ Rossiter W. Raymond

we must remember, keep the pain close, and hold onto it, pass it down, and let our children's children know the heartache. remembering is the only way to make sure this tradgedy is never repeated. once we forget our past we open the door to repeating it's mistakes.

may peace begin within you and spread outward from you like the brightest light that no darkness can ever conquer!

Amy Winehouse death

Amy Winehouse died, a tragic but not surprising death of a very talented, but lost woman. I am listening to rehab and i am thinking, people would kill for that voice, that talent.

It is amazing how our inner demons can consume us. I read she was diagnosed as bi-polar. It is typical for alot of people with bi-polar disorder to self medicate with drugs and alcohol.

i know i don't drink anymore, because when i start drinking i can't stop until i puke or pass out. there's this limbo in the booze where you don't feel anything. you aren't sad, you're not happy, it's such a relief when you are bi-polar, like i am, to reach a state of existing without a single emotion. my emotions dominate me, control me, and twist me like a loose leaf in a hurricane wind.

i get exhausted from it and i just want to kill all emotions. destroy them and exorcise the feelings, but to do that i have to destroy myself. and that is the danger. i've never been drawn to illegal drugs. i have control issues on top of being bi-polar and having borderline personality disorder. when i do drink, i prefer to drink alone. i like the quiet and numbness. it is more enjoyable.

i hope she has found peace.
that is all i have ever been searching for in my life.

Mark Twain is timeless

"I've never wished a man dead, but I've read some obituaries with great pleasure." - Mark Twain

Wow, the is how i felt today reading the news that bin laden had been killed. i just love Mark Twain.

"An inglorious peace is better than a dishonorable war."
- Mark Twain 1906

I hope for a long moment of peace.

Merry Christmas to All!!!

Well, i made my round of merry christmas calls and text messages. I saw a video of Mom that my sister-in-law posted on facebook from her last christmas 15 years ago. i cried. i had forgotten so much about her and her voice and her mannerisms. i miss her so much. i cried, i laughed, my heart ached. what a way to start christmas day, firmly bawling over the past. i wish she were here. christmas has never been the same since she died. i'm trying to be brave and put my big girl panties on and just suck it up. but it's so hard. so hard.

merry christmas everyone. hug the ones you love, you never know when your last christmas will come.