A Creepy Encounter

I'm lying in bed trying to take a nap so I can be awake
when my new man calls around 11pm after he puts his kids asleep,
when the doorbell rings, it's 10:50 according to the clock and i was 1/2 asleep.
so i get up to see who it is.

i turn on the porch light and look through the peep hole and it's the neighbor that has the adorable pug named Rocky,
and the neighbor kid Landon, so I'm thinking something is wrong.
I open the door and he asks me if I've seen Rocky they can't find him.
I said No but I'll help you guys looks, maybe if we bring Sophie the Puggle outside,
Rocky will come to her since he likes her so much.

I put Sophie the Puggle on her leash and she's all kinds of excited now.
I hand her leash to him on the porch (I never let him in!)
and got my coat and shoes on, because it's now frapping cold in Ohio again.
Stupid yo-yo weather sucks.

So I step outside and take Sophie's leash from him and ask,
so where was the last place you saw Rocky.
He says in the house, he's fine, I just wanted to meet you.
What the FRAP!!!!???? (frap = a fuck and crap used at the same time)

Then i notice he's holding a beer and reeks of booze.
Great, he's drunk!
I grew up with many an alcoholic relative.
the first thing i learned is put distance between you and the drunk person.
So i back off the porch onto the parking lot
and ask so what's going on?

he said i hear you're some sort of computer expert.
i say i'm a computer programmer, why is your computer broken?
he's like no just trying to get to know you.
i wasn't even sure this was your apartment.
my heart is racing, i feel anxious and panicked!

i tell him that i'm waiting for my boyfriend to call.
my boyfriend calls every night to talk to me around this time.
i really really like my boyfriend.
i couldn't emphasize enough that i am taken leave me be.
i told him now that the dog is out i have to walk her.
thankfully, sophie is dragging me now to sniff the grass.
so i let her and start to follow her.

he's telling me this big sob story about him and landon's mom
they aren't married, they don't have sex, she means nothing to him.
they have the oldest kid together.
he's just helping her out.
again, i say i'm seeing someone.
i'm very happy.
sorry to hear about your troubles, but i'm sure it'll get better.
and i just let sophie lead me away.

he starts to walk along with me and i say well i better get her walked
and get back inside so i can talk to my boyfriend.
he seems angry, storms off towards his apartment and i hear the door slam.
i'm freaked out!

i mean, seriously, my dog is lost help me find it, that's what pedophiles says to get a little kid in the van.

i am done walking sophie, i'm back in the house, i'm making sure all my doors are locked.
i'm texting my man freaking out.
i am wide awake having a panic attack.
did the guy take the hint?
his he gonna come back?
my man thinks he's gone and says if he comes back he'll have a talk with him.
hearing his voice makes me feel so much better.
he calms me down and i'm able to finally go to sleep at 1:30am.

i swear the weirdest crap happens to me!

Cigarettes, Anger, and Regrets

i have been foolish again.
i made poor decisions again.
i drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and got totally trashed man for New Year's Eve.
I woke with the hang over plus i felt like i had eaten a cigarette.
i only smoke when i drink and i drank and smoked way too much.

i sent an angry message to scott, belittling the size of his penis.
i do prefer the smaller tool he has.
my uterus is slightly prolapsed and too big of a penis hits my cervix and hurts.
but i'm angry that i was lonely.
it's my fault really.
i let him come and go as he pleases.

i put a cigarette out on the trunk of his neon.
he fb'ed me back asking why i had anger directed towards him.
i guess i've let myself simmer for too long.
but when he touches me i can't think.
let alone tell him how he makes me feel.

everything is just fine and dandy,
but when he leaves me,
i'm unsatisfied, wet, horny, frustrated and just twisted up.
he makes me feel so excited then it's like he drops me and i shatter.
i want to be more to him then an easy lay.
the more i get to know him the more i want to know him.
it is a dire situation.

i think this one is over my head.
i deserve better.
even a fuck buddy treats u better then this.
5 months and not one orgasim for me.
he's right, it's not fair.
and i'm bored with the games he plays.

at least my headache is gone now.
my tummy feels somewhat better.
i want to have movie nights, snuggle time, silly moments.
affection nicknames, smacks on the ass, and regular sex.
i want a macaroni for all my cheese.

An Uneventful Christmas

i hope everyone had a merry christmas out there in internet land.
my christmas was uneventful.
scott left a snowflake necklace on my porch christmas eve.
it is very pretty but i can't wear necklaces well, i have a thick neck.
so i hung it from my rearview mirror.
i gave a few of my neighbors some anchor shot glasses.
they all seemed to like them.

we got new movies, a new wii game, i got meemaw's perfume, windsong.
as soon as i sprayed it, it was like she had never left.
that's a perfume i would have never guessed at, thankfully, she told her friend what she wore.
it does smell so good.
i keep spraying it so i can think of her.

i spent christmas day eating snickers and drinking alcohol.
it was merry.
only burger king was open so i got dinner from there.
today is all about cleaning.
and walking my laps.
sophie the puggle loves her christmas toys.
there's a squeaky purple bear that she is dragging everywhere.

my kid is spending the week down at her dad's family.
she always has a good time with them.
i'm glad she's close to his family.
at times i wish i had more kids when i was younger.
she's so spoiled a sibling close to her age wouldn't have hurt her.

jan. and feb. are hard for me.
mom died one month after christmas in 1996.
then her and dad's wedding anniversary is feb 10th
and her birthday is feb. 17th.
my thoughts stray to her alot this time of year.
she so loved everything about christmas.
she grew up so poor they never had anything.
i know i'm blessed and lucky.
i have everything i need and even though there are things i want
they are the things you can't buy, like love, attention, time with the one i care about.

so i think my priorities are clear.
God bless you all.
Happy Holidays!!!

crown and ginger ale

wow, i am an idiot!!!

jackie came down around 3pm friday and he was drinking crown and ginger ale while eating a slim jim.
he said the slim jim masked the whiskey.
he wanted me to meet his buddy rob and show him my boobies.
jackie has been talking up my boobs to heights they have never aspired to.
i kept to my one drink rule, thankfully!
and he was right, the slim jim did blank out the whiskey after taste, did i mention he made my drink in a 24 oz glass!
that hit me hard, i was really buzzed.
i wasn't going to show my boobs at all, but jackie walked up behind me and just popped them out.
i was not happy.
his friend left after getting an eyeful, jackie poured me a 2nd drink that i didn't touch.
jackie was trying to talk me into doing him and his roommate.
or at least give them blow jobs!
i was not interested.
jackie whipped out his little manhood, he assurred me it gets bigger, i did not stick around to find out.
new rule --- no drinks at jackie;s and no going inside at jackie's!
the worst part is cindy came over to give jackie his resume she's been helping him with and it was just post boobie exposure!
i was embarassed to say the least.
i know jackie is going to tell scott, i know they talk about shit like that.
but i did not have sex with anyone.
and considering i could be pregnant that will be my last drink too.
i'll use my sugar being high if drinks are offered in the future to pass.

i can take my first pregnancy test on the 11th.
i'm hopeful!

I love hard cider

it is raining like crazy crazy cold rain.
so i thought, what's good on a cold, dreary, depressing rainy day, answer, booze!!!
so i went to the store and i bought an orchard of hard ciders, a variety pack, of 4 different kinds,
and of course, i got a six pack of my fave, strongbow, God bless England!!!

so i told scott (aka the naughty neighbor) our little "chats" are done.
i did it the coward's way, i facebook'd msg'd him, giggles!
and i've been avoiding him, because i know that if he touches me i will cave.
and i have to be strong, i deserve better!!!

i've been such a bad bad girl today.
i had a good healthy lunch and breakfast.
it was the snacks that got me, cookies, pumpkin donuts, and brownies, yums...
and then i topped off with kfc for dinner.
i'm no angel, but i can't go off the rails now.
i've worked too hard and come too far.

so tomorrow i climb back on the work horse.
i hit the wii, if it's still raining, i hit the wii hard, for an hour.
if i have do 15 minutes at a time i will, but i will get my exercise in.
i stocked up on fruit, eggs, cheese, and milk.
so i got my essentials.

now i just got to focus, buckle down, and get the job done, only 35 more pounds to go.
i can do it!!!

self medication is grand

so my walking has resulted in aches and pains,
so i decided to self medicate with jack daniels and dt. cherry coke.
i'm feelign fine, no worries, no crimes, just chilling with my glass, jack, dt. cherry zero, and ice baby.

my child is amused, don't ask me to utilize my balance, it has fled my intoxicated jurisdiction. life is beautiful, even if it is crooked. i luv me right now. i even held my tongue agaist that blonde skinny cow.

i just need a good fuck,but i'm out of luck.
this is what the devil would call a victory, but i refer to it as a let down in the pathetic american medical system.
i would have gone to the urgent care for my strained back,
if we had universal health care i'd have them take a look at my back!

jack, dr. pepper, and cherry syrup

went to the summer work outing, free booze and food, i had 4 jack, dr. pepper's, and cherry syrup drinks. i was a buzzing, switched over to water and managed to come in 2nd place in the pool tournament.i won a visa gift card and a 10 peice bamboo serving set, which our company makes.

so it was a fun day. i suck at bowling and corn hole, but i'm okay with pool. i don't think i embarassed myself too badly. and i had fun. the food was okay. i didn't eat much.

got home and me and the kiddo's got subway and chinese. got loads of leftover's in the fridge. my hips hurt from bowling and my legs hurt from all the walking i've been doing with my nieces. i think i've walked 5 1/2 miles since wednesday, which is 5 miles more then i usually walk.

back to work on monday. i hate that work drags and vacatins fly by.
i hope i'm done with my period, it has seemed to stop, as if 16 days wasn't enough!!!

Amy Winehouse death

Amy Winehouse died, a tragic but not surprising death of a very talented, but lost woman. I am listening to rehab and i am thinking, people would kill for that voice, that talent.

It is amazing how our inner demons can consume us. I read she was diagnosed as bi-polar. It is typical for alot of people with bi-polar disorder to self medicate with drugs and alcohol.

i know i don't drink anymore, because when i start drinking i can't stop until i puke or pass out. there's this limbo in the booze where you don't feel anything. you aren't sad, you're not happy, it's such a relief when you are bi-polar, like i am, to reach a state of existing without a single emotion. my emotions dominate me, control me, and twist me like a loose leaf in a hurricane wind.

i get exhausted from it and i just want to kill all emotions. destroy them and exorcise the feelings, but to do that i have to destroy myself. and that is the danger. i've never been drawn to illegal drugs. i have control issues on top of being bi-polar and having borderline personality disorder. when i do drink, i prefer to drink alone. i like the quiet and numbness. it is more enjoyable.

i hope she has found peace.
that is all i have ever been searching for in my life.