Cigarettes, Anger, and Regrets

i have been foolish again.
i made poor decisions again.
i drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and got totally trashed man for New Year's Eve.
I woke with the hang over plus i felt like i had eaten a cigarette.
i only smoke when i drink and i drank and smoked way too much.

i sent an angry message to scott, belittling the size of his penis.
i do prefer the smaller tool he has.
my uterus is slightly prolapsed and too big of a penis hits my cervix and hurts.
but i'm angry that i was lonely.
it's my fault really.
i let him come and go as he pleases.

i put a cigarette out on the trunk of his neon.
he fb'ed me back asking why i had anger directed towards him.
i guess i've let myself simmer for too long.
but when he touches me i can't think.
let alone tell him how he makes me feel.

everything is just fine and dandy,
but when he leaves me,
i'm unsatisfied, wet, horny, frustrated and just twisted up.
he makes me feel so excited then it's like he drops me and i shatter.
i want to be more to him then an easy lay.
the more i get to know him the more i want to know him.
it is a dire situation.

i think this one is over my head.
i deserve better.
even a fuck buddy treats u better then this.
5 months and not one orgasim for me.
he's right, it's not fair.
and i'm bored with the games he plays.

at least my headache is gone now.
my tummy feels somewhat better.
i want to have movie nights, snuggle time, silly moments.
affection nicknames, smacks on the ass, and regular sex.
i want a macaroni for all my cheese.

Happy New Flu Year!!!

first i'd like to thank the rain showing up right around midnight so all the jack holes with their fireworks couldn't light them, thank you rain, take a bow. now i'd like the rain to stop, since it's been going for almost 8 hours now and my dog won't pee in it. she literally sniffs everywhere, shakes off her coat, comes in the house and pees on the carpet near the door. she'll pee in snow, but not rain. she's such a goofy girl.

my aches and pains are not as bad, but i'm throwing up snot now. but good new it's clear and white, so no infection. bad news is of course it hurts like hell to puke up snot, so my throat is on fire. plus, i pee myself a little when i sneeze real hard, puke, or just laugh to the point i can't breathe. so i have to have protection on all day today so i don't pee all over the furniture. i feel so old. this is all my kid's fault, i gave birth to her all naturally and they cut me so i wouldn't tear which weakened the muscles. i am doing those excerises for my vagina, but it's helped little. i'm not even 40 and i'm back in stupid diapers.

happy fracking new year to me :(

fluzzy woozy new year

i have the FLU!!! this major major sucks. cuz once again bret can't come to see me cuz he could get sick this time. and i've not seen him for 2 weeks now. it's bumming me out dudes. i am totally wasted on nyquil. sneezing is annoying, coughing is excruciating, but nothing sucks the worst then explosive diarrhea!!!

another new year with no one to kiss at midnight, i'm sick of it, literally this time. but at least i have the dog, she loves me, can dogs get the flu?
i hope not, sophie have diarrhea would be BAD!!!

happy new year!!!

Post holiday depression

yup, i'm totally depressed. at least i have some strongbow in the fridge. like drinking will make me feel any better, but at least i won't feel any worse. last day off before i head back to work for a 4 day week. he wasn't able to visit, throwing my designs in disarray. how am i to show him how fabulous i am if he's never here?

well, i don't he'll come down next week either. we are both flat broke. mine is more self-inflicted then his. i keep eating out. porking up for my new year's revolution of changing myself. why do i think i'm going to starve to death when i'm fucking 100 pounds over weight. that's totally in my head, right?! me and food have a chaotic and symbiotic relationship. i really do have to blame my mother on this one. who takes an 8 year old to the doctor complaining she's too fat and asking if they can send me to a dietician or give me a pill for it. i was chunky, sheesh, if she stopped giving me a cookie every fucking time i got cried maybe i wouldn't have gotten so fat in the first place and end up equating food with feeling better!!!

i do love my mom, but she did some serious mental damage when it comes to my self image. i've tried not to do the same to my kid, but we all do damage to our children. even when we go out of our way not to, it makes them weak, and think the whole world is supposed to clap every time she walks by. my kid can't take any kind of criticism without thinking it's a personal attack of a physical nature on her entire being. that's my fault, because i was over critized by my mother, i never critized my own child. see damage done when i was trying to rectify the mistakes of my mother.
it's just a sick and twisted circle. it really is.

Revolution!

i'm trying to come up with my new year's resolutions. i seldom keep them. i had forgotten what the word resolution even meant, so i googled it:

resolution - a noun, a course of action determined.
or decided on. firm determination.

there's other ways to define the word for laws and physics, but the above is applied to the tradition of the new year's resolution.

i noticed the word revolution and resolution are only one letter apart. so why can't the new year's resolutions you make cause a revolution in your life?

a sudden, radical and complete change to how you live your everyday life.
there are many reasons why the new year's resolutions fail. but this year i'm not making resolutions. i'm having a shannon revolution!

i like it!

i'm going to make huge changes with gusto, passion, and enthusiasm. goodbye to the old me and hello to the new me.

there is alot to do. i must plot my overthrow of my current existence and make plans for the new ruler of my life!!! Yes, I like it!