40 Draws Near

On November 28, 2012 I will turn 40 years old.

I don't see what the big fuss is about for woman and this age.
I'm divorced, broke, renting, but I thankfully have a job.
I am not concerned with aging.
I figure it is all part of the plan of things.
We all grow old.
We all die.
It is two things that make us so much alike.
I don't understand all this anti-aging stuff.

I feel some days like i'm a hundred years old.
Other days i feel like i'm 20.
I see the age spots showing up on my hands and cheeks.
I am beginning to see some wrinkles around my eyes.
If anything I just look too exhausted to be alive anymore.

The days are dragging again.
I feel so used and useless.
I am on anti-depressants again, but I have not felt better.
I think I'm going to have to try something else.
I hate being on pills.
I have tried to walk more but it is no longer helping either.

I'm on a down swing and I can't find a way to turn it around.

I am bi-polar and it sucks!

I have to accept that my moods are an ever changing spectrum of every color you can think of.

Today I am a stormy sky, tomorrow I think I'll be a perky pink.
I hope I'll be a perky pink!

Post holiday depression

yup, i'm totally depressed. at least i have some strongbow in the fridge. like drinking will make me feel any better, but at least i won't feel any worse. last day off before i head back to work for a 4 day week. he wasn't able to visit, throwing my designs in disarray. how am i to show him how fabulous i am if he's never here?

well, i don't he'll come down next week either. we are both flat broke. mine is more self-inflicted then his. i keep eating out. porking up for my new year's revolution of changing myself. why do i think i'm going to starve to death when i'm fucking 100 pounds over weight. that's totally in my head, right?! me and food have a chaotic and symbiotic relationship. i really do have to blame my mother on this one. who takes an 8 year old to the doctor complaining she's too fat and asking if they can send me to a dietician or give me a pill for it. i was chunky, sheesh, if she stopped giving me a cookie every fucking time i got cried maybe i wouldn't have gotten so fat in the first place and end up equating food with feeling better!!!

i do love my mom, but she did some serious mental damage when it comes to my self image. i've tried not to do the same to my kid, but we all do damage to our children. even when we go out of our way not to, it makes them weak, and think the whole world is supposed to clap every time she walks by. my kid can't take any kind of criticism without thinking it's a personal attack of a physical nature on her entire being. that's my fault, because i was over critized by my mother, i never critized my own child. see damage done when i was trying to rectify the mistakes of my mother.
it's just a sick and twisted circle. it really is.