Independence Day Blues

Happy Independence Day my fellow Americans!
Please blow up things responsibly!

I'm so depressed today.
I have the right to be depressed.
I have the right to pursue happiness.
You notice the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights don't even mention happiness only the Declaration of Independence does and it only says it is a right to pursue it.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" - Declaration of Independence.

The United States of America began with the best of intentions and the noblest of purposes and now it is a mess, but I wouldn't want to live anywhere else.

We might have lost our way some but we still believe in freedom and freedom is a beautiful and rare thing in today's world.

I have choices.
I might make horrible choices, but that is my right.
I don't have to cover my head or body and only show my eyes.
I can read, work and drive a car.
I can marry or not marry whom ever I want.
I can have sex with whom ever I want.
Sure, I might burn in Hell, but again it is my decisions to make.

I am blessed to live in a country where I have so much freedom and so many choices.
I make mistakes, but I love that I can work, pay my own way and be my own woman.
I am important and I do matter and I do contribute to society in a positive way.
I don't need a man to hold my hand, protect me, or provide for me.

God Bless America!
And I bless God!

40 Draws Near

On November 28, 2012 I will turn 40 years old.

I don't see what the big fuss is about for woman and this age.
I'm divorced, broke, renting, but I thankfully have a job.
I am not concerned with aging.
I figure it is all part of the plan of things.
We all grow old.
We all die.
It is two things that make us so much alike.
I don't understand all this anti-aging stuff.

I feel some days like i'm a hundred years old.
Other days i feel like i'm 20.
I see the age spots showing up on my hands and cheeks.
I am beginning to see some wrinkles around my eyes.
If anything I just look too exhausted to be alive anymore.

The days are dragging again.
I feel so used and useless.
I am on anti-depressants again, but I have not felt better.
I think I'm going to have to try something else.
I hate being on pills.
I have tried to walk more but it is no longer helping either.

I'm on a down swing and I can't find a way to turn it around.

I am bi-polar and it sucks!

I have to accept that my moods are an ever changing spectrum of every color you can think of.

Today I am a stormy sky, tomorrow I think I'll be a perky pink.
I hope I'll be a perky pink!

Blessed

i feel so blessed these past two months because he came into my life.
i never thought i could love so deeply and completely.
he loves me and respects me and trusts me.
it is so satisfying to be giving my love to a man that appreciates me.
all my past hardships and heartache are a lesson learned so i can love him better.

he is amazing.
he is full of energy.
he is full of life.
he is my happy thought.

i know it's silly and girlish to giggle when i think about him,
but i feel high on this love we have.
i'm blessed to have him.
i'm blessed to love him.
i'm blessed to be in his life.

i remember what it was like before him, i was sad.
i was lonely.
i was depressed.
i was being used.
i was letting myself be used.

now i'm in a good relationship.
we are balanced with each other.
i can't wait to meet his boys.
i can't wait to have his baby.
life is so good right now!

of course, i wonder if he's too good to be true.
he wonders the exact same thing about me.
i'm trying to forget about fear and doubt,
i opened my heart to him and we are right together.
my puzzle is completed.
my love is being returned.

the other day i helped him sort receipts at his work.
i helped him and took a small task so he could do other things.
we laughed. we talked. we enjoyed being in each other's company.
there was no time for sex.
we shared a few kisses.
and i felt happy, so happy, just to be near him.

he's become my best friend and i love him!

Depression makes me fat

i've gained nearly 7 pounds since last week when i lost the baby.
i've fallen into a crippling depression.
i'm always going to bed.
if i'm not in bed i'm eating.
i eat everything and anything.
i'm not even hungry.
it is like i'm trying to fill up the emptiness inside of me.

physically i feel better.
all the yucky bleeding and cramping has stopped.
next week i go to the doctor to see if it is all okay
and to find out when i can start to try to get pregnant again.
but emotionally i'm a wreck.
i know this is a deep depression.
i've been through this before several times.
i don't want to go back on medications to get out of this.
if i'm on meds i can't try to get pregnant.

i didn't realize how much i wanted another baby until i found out i was pregnant.
and now that i've lost the baby all i want is to try again.
i really need to focus on having a baby.
i need to find my motivation again.
i've been kicked down but i can't stay down.
this is my pep talk to myself.
pull yourself up shannon irene and get back on that horse.

you are pretty.
you are smart.
you are awesome.

you know all 3 men (excluding my father) have told me i'm pretty my whole life.
the kid's dad, my ex-fiance brian and scott.

bret told me that there's was nothing about me, face or body that would make him look twice.
it was because he remembered me and my personality from high school that he started talking to me.
he said i was such a happy go lucky person when we were in high school.
that was such a long time ago.
like scott said, we are only small pieces of the people we used to be.
my demons have eaten a huge amount of the happiness i used to have.

happiness, we are guaranteed the pursuit of it in the u.s. constitution
and this nation pursues happiness with a vengance,
but we are more depressed, medicated and fatter then ever.
i think we are all failing on a huge scale to keep the happiness we find.
i bet alot of people are like me.
i think i know what makes me happy so i go after it, get it,
and it either bores me, or it wasn't what i had thought it would be.
then i'm not happy anymore.

i think we are a nation of discontents.
we are all children running around in a candy store.
or a bunch of bulls running loose in a china shop.
i can't carry happiness when i'm being crushed by my infinite sadness.
i want to be happy, but i want to be happy all the time.
and nothing is 100% all the time on.

it hurts to know that scott will reject me again and again.
it hurts to know that i'm never going to be me again.
but i have to go forward because going back is never an option.

The Struggle Within

i'm still feeling sorry for myself.
my little pity party has been full of candy bars, cookies, pop, and taco bell.
i know i need to get ahold of this misery and reign it in,
but i'm just so damn depressed over losing the baby.

i saw scott yesterday.
he asked me how i was.
i just shrugged.
i asked him how he was.
he said fine.
yup, that was it.
lovely wasn't it.

i'm struggling with this.
i know the internet says it is all normal.
all these emotions i'm going thru are part of the process.
i don't even know if i had someone to talk to what i would say.
i've made up my mind that i'm going to try again.
once the doctor gives me the okay.

there's a website where men donate their sperm for free.
it's crazy, but i really want this.
i love being a mother.
i'm a good mother.
i want one more baby.
is that so wrong?

i tried to wait until i was married.
then my ex-husband told me he didn't want children.
it crushed me to pieces.
i love kids.
i love being around kids.

scott turned out to be the calm one in all this.
he surprised me.
of course, he was so sure he wasn't the father,
i don't think he was sweating it.
i hated to tell him that my other kid got here cuz her dad pulled out.
pulling out doesn't have a very high success rate for birth control.

i'd love it if scott would help me get pregnant again.
i'd even get paperwork drawn up to terminate is parental rights and
if he wanted i'd just tell everyone i got the sperm from that web site.

i was dreaming when the cramps woke me up thursday morning.
the baby was 7-8 months old, she had scott's hazel eyes and my blonde curly hair, Clara.
scott was feeding her something green, peas, spinach, who knows.
she spit it out on him and laughed like only babies that age can laugh.
then she said "da da" and scott's face lit up like a christmas tree.
this was the first dream i had picturing what the baby would look like and i dreamed she looked like scott
and was scott's baby.

maybe it was because bret had been so mean to me on our tuesday call.
i only facebooked bret about the miscarriage.
i have no idea if he knows, but i'll be damned if i'll call and tell him.
i'm done with him.

he justifies being a total dick because it's the truth or his perception of the truth.
the truth is no justification for being a mean, hurtful, and petty.
and most of what he was ranting about was what he hoped the truth to be.
i figured him out, he's only happy when he's miserable.
and lynn will continue to make him miserable.

he told me i had too many negative influences in my life.
after i hung up crying and feeling so small,
i realized the biggest negative influence in my life is bret.
every time i talk to him he makes me feel like shit.
so i'm ridding myself of him and his negativity.
i wish him the best in all his future endeavors.

Happy New Years 2011 RIP

Here's what i sent Scott today via Facebook -
my new year's resolution is to get a boyfriend. and that's not u. so u r hereby cut off. please don't come around anymore. i will bring down the rest of the money i owe u when i get it. like u said it's not fair and i deserve more then 5 minutes. have a great new year and i wish u and beverly a long boring life together.


now it is time to become invisible to him.
new walk the dog routine.
silence is queen.

i'm lonely.
i have to find a man to be here with me.
instead i keep finding men that want to use me.
it is time to turn it around.

i'm depressed.
today i will wallow in my misery.
tomorrow i will pick myself up and overcome this disease.
i deserve better!!!

Got me some Blues!

i am depressed today. i think i might be pregnant. that would definitely be a shocking surprise. i've been nauseated alot and i went to make a ham sandwich the other day and the ham grossed me out and i puked. now i can't eat meat at all, i can't even look at it. i was like that when i was preggers with my 20 year old with eggs.

so i'm suddenly a vegatarian and worried that i'm preganant. i will test this sunday and if i am i am. i know bret will freak. it's not like i was trying to get pregnant. thank goodness the neighbor guy and i never had sex. i swear i would never be one of those woman that don't know who the father of her baby was.

maybe it's nerves or something. i'm so tired too. and i walk but i don't get any energy from it. i just need to remain calm. i'll test this sunday and next and if i'm still late, but the tests say i'm not pregnant, i go for my yearly woman doctor visit the end of october.

baby stuff is too cute tho.

The Big Day

tomorrow is my kid's big day. she goes back off to college after one year off due to financial difficulties. she is excited, packed, and ready to roll in the morning.
i love her and want her to succeed. i am being supportive. these are big changes, last time she spent a year away at college i didn't do much with my life. i sat around the house and watched tv. that's not an option for me this time.

now i'm losing weight, feeling great, single and ready to mingle. i'm getting out and talking to people. next saturday i hope to go out with some neighbors and have a drink or two. i have to relearn how to have fun with adults and have an adult conversation. i've been a full time mom as long as i've been an adult. i was so depressed the first year she went away, but i'm not depressed anymore.

i'm going to seize this day and all the days after it. life is too short to pine for what could have been.

i will begin dating on sunday. watch out, i'm going out!!!

Another Confusing Day

men confuse me. the neighbor wanted to talk to me, he wants to explain things. and his little bunny has moved in with him. so he says he's heading down to talk to me around noon, it's going on 4pm and he never showed. and his little bunny is now home. he says he got caught up in work stuff. i said, whatever, he did not like that answer. i don't know what he wants from me. i think bret had it right, it is human nature, especially mine, to want what i can't have. at least i'm having sex with bret. the neighbor is just a big ole tease!!!

my head hurts. i hate sinus headaches. i had chinese food. i watched my portions, and i have leftovers for 3 days now! but now i feel like i need to walk 5 more miles. i did walk 3 miles today. so i did good. if tomorrow is a nice morning, i'll take sophie to the dog park and do 3 laps, aka miles. and then do 3 here around the parking lot for a 6 mile day.

the walking helps clear my head and lifts my spirits. i just wish my sex drive would calm down. or that bret lived closer so he and i could have sex more often. he's depressed over his custody situation. i'm depressed over my whole lonely existence. bret was very clear that we are just friends. there will be no talking every day on the phone. no long distance relationship, he has a life and he has to live it. i'm so sick of him telling me what to do. and he doesn't even think he's telling me what to do.

i should have known that nothing would change with him. now if i can just get this knot out of my stomach that the neighbor gives me every time he looks at me i'd be doing swell.

i love men so much i hate them, every single fucking one of them, even the gay ones!

walking it off

wow, i woke up totally depressed. just in the downest of moods. i didn't want to walk, but the rain stopped and i thought, one mile won't hurt.
i started walking and then it started raining, so i grabbed an umbrella at the start of my 2nd lap. the more i walked the less depressed i felt.
i closed my eyes here and there and just felt the rain and the coldness against my face. it felt refreshing.

my old therapist told me that exercise can really help a bi-polar 2 type with the depressive episodes. i didn't want to believe him. i've exercised in the past and never never never got those happy hormones. but walking is different. maybe it's because i can just do it at my leisure, walk as fast or as slow as i want. i listen to my i-pod and try to walk at the pace of the music. i don't know, but i've become obsessed with walking.

i just did 2 miles and i wanted to do one more but the rain and wind picked up. i think this afternoon i'll do 2 more and this eveing 1 more for a total of 5 miles like yesterday. the rain is supposed to be sporadic. and i didn't mind walking under the umbrella. my foot hardly bothered me, so this is good right!

when i get depressed i'll just take a walk!

first day no pop, don't know if that's part of the problem or not. took some excederin cuz i was getting a headache. i'm not trying to give up caffiene, just soda pop. i think it is more likely the chemicals in our food and beverages causing the uptick in cancers, autism, and other neurlogical disorders then say immunizations. the more chemicals we put in our bodies the more potential for a cataclysm of reactions that can't all be good can happen.

i might start eating organic as well. i already have so much stacked against me physically in the genetics department i need to do as much as i can to thwart diseases like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, arthritis (all of which i have showed signs of already!)

now i'm just depressing myself again. the rain storms fit my mood today!

Post holiday depression

yup, i'm totally depressed. at least i have some strongbow in the fridge. like drinking will make me feel any better, but at least i won't feel any worse. last day off before i head back to work for a 4 day week. he wasn't able to visit, throwing my designs in disarray. how am i to show him how fabulous i am if he's never here?

well, i don't he'll come down next week either. we are both flat broke. mine is more self-inflicted then his. i keep eating out. porking up for my new year's revolution of changing myself. why do i think i'm going to starve to death when i'm fucking 100 pounds over weight. that's totally in my head, right?! me and food have a chaotic and symbiotic relationship. i really do have to blame my mother on this one. who takes an 8 year old to the doctor complaining she's too fat and asking if they can send me to a dietician or give me a pill for it. i was chunky, sheesh, if she stopped giving me a cookie every fucking time i got cried maybe i wouldn't have gotten so fat in the first place and end up equating food with feeling better!!!

i do love my mom, but she did some serious mental damage when it comes to my self image. i've tried not to do the same to my kid, but we all do damage to our children. even when we go out of our way not to, it makes them weak, and think the whole world is supposed to clap every time she walks by. my kid can't take any kind of criticism without thinking it's a personal attack of a physical nature on her entire being. that's my fault, because i was over critized by my mother, i never critized my own child. see damage done when i was trying to rectify the mistakes of my mother.
it's just a sick and twisted circle. it really is.

It's been awhile

i can't really say i've not blogged cuz i've been busy. i've been more in a blue funk really. i get excited about christmas, realize how broke i am, and how much i miss my mom, and how my relationship isn't exactly what i hoped it would be, and i get depressed, sit on the couch all day and star out the window!

yup, exciting right?

but now i'm getting sick, so i'll have a real reason to mop and not just the emotional baggage that i carry around in my head. sore throat, stuffy nose, and a headache, all right before the weekend. and i have alot to do this weekend too, more then the standard cleaning that i put off until sunday at 6pm to do. gab's got work. i got to prep for visitor's next weekend. the washer is fixed, so laundry must be done, work won't like it if i come in naked.

so much to do, there's barely any food in the house, i got bills to pay, the dog needs bathed, brushed and fought with to get her toe nails clipped. that's like trying to brush the teeth on a alligator. she doesn't like it and goes wild like a bucking bronco when you bring out the toe nail clippers. i could pay someone to do it, but you did read how broke i am up above right???

tis the season to lose your mind, fa la la la la f*ck!!!