Depression makes me fat

i've gained nearly 7 pounds since last week when i lost the baby.
i've fallen into a crippling depression.
i'm always going to bed.
if i'm not in bed i'm eating.
i eat everything and anything.
i'm not even hungry.
it is like i'm trying to fill up the emptiness inside of me.

physically i feel better.
all the yucky bleeding and cramping has stopped.
next week i go to the doctor to see if it is all okay
and to find out when i can start to try to get pregnant again.
but emotionally i'm a wreck.
i know this is a deep depression.
i've been through this before several times.
i don't want to go back on medications to get out of this.
if i'm on meds i can't try to get pregnant.

i didn't realize how much i wanted another baby until i found out i was pregnant.
and now that i've lost the baby all i want is to try again.
i really need to focus on having a baby.
i need to find my motivation again.
i've been kicked down but i can't stay down.
this is my pep talk to myself.
pull yourself up shannon irene and get back on that horse.

you are pretty.
you are smart.
you are awesome.

you know all 3 men (excluding my father) have told me i'm pretty my whole life.
the kid's dad, my ex-fiance brian and scott.

bret told me that there's was nothing about me, face or body that would make him look twice.
it was because he remembered me and my personality from high school that he started talking to me.
he said i was such a happy go lucky person when we were in high school.
that was such a long time ago.
like scott said, we are only small pieces of the people we used to be.
my demons have eaten a huge amount of the happiness i used to have.

happiness, we are guaranteed the pursuit of it in the u.s. constitution
and this nation pursues happiness with a vengance,
but we are more depressed, medicated and fatter then ever.
i think we are all failing on a huge scale to keep the happiness we find.
i bet alot of people are like me.
i think i know what makes me happy so i go after it, get it,
and it either bores me, or it wasn't what i had thought it would be.
then i'm not happy anymore.

i think we are a nation of discontents.
we are all children running around in a candy store.
or a bunch of bulls running loose in a china shop.
i can't carry happiness when i'm being crushed by my infinite sadness.
i want to be happy, but i want to be happy all the time.
and nothing is 100% all the time on.

it hurts to know that scott will reject me again and again.
it hurts to know that i'm never going to be me again.
but i have to go forward because going back is never an option.

finally, something i can eat!

i have had a series of bad baking lately.

i was baking brownies on sunday night when the power went out 20 minutes in on a 45 minute bake.
power came back on 2 1/2 hours later. finished baking the brownies to no avail. the middle was soup. what a waste!

made cupcakes monday night, i am persistant, but i was short 1 egg, so i had to use egg beaters instead. they were not good. dog wouldn't even eat them. threw them out. what a tragedy!!

so tonight, i pull out some crescent rolls and the nutella and the third time is the charm. the power stayed on the rolls stuffed with nutella came out perfectly. life is good again!!!

my revolution has begun

went to do all the testing to get put on my medically supervised diet today and it all looks kosher. so if tomorrow's final visit with the doc goes well then wednesday i will be on a new diet. all shakes for 2 weeks then 3 shakes and then either a protein bar or soup for my other 2 meals. it'll be hard work to reprogram every bad eating habit into a good one, but i'm so sick and tired all the time and i know it's because i'm a huge fat cow...
but on the upside my metabolism is kick ass!!! who knew, this is why i probably don't weigh 500 pounds by now. i mean, i should, the way i eat. and i sit on my butt all day working at the computer. but now i venture into healthy eating habits, vegtables, fruits, lean meats, and whole grains. i find myself anxious, nervous, and on the look out for my old self to avoid all attempts of me sabatoging me. watch out old self u r going down, ya fat bitch!!!

MRI tomorrow morning

I get my MRI with contrast tomorrow morning at 8am. I'm anxious, scared, nervous. I've not been sleeping and unfortunately, i've been comforting myself by cramming halloween candy into my mouth at a furious pace. I got to stop using food as an emotional safety blanket. I can't afford to get any fatter. And I'd been doing so good, I'd dropped 15 pounds, but I think I've got it almost all back now.

It could be Wednesday of next week before I have the results.
I wish there was a way to reduce the waiting when it comes to medical testing. It took 2 days to just process the paperwork and insurance crap.
When there's a suspected life altering brain "growth" you'd think they'd rush it. Ugh, I'm so tired of waiting!!!!

It's my brain and I want it scanned now!