My Ass Got Fatter

i celebrated my kid's 21st birthday weekend, not in drink, but in food.
lots and lots of food.
we ate out all weekend.
we loved the cheesecake at the cheesecake factory.
my kid got her chipotle on, her fave.
and their was pizza and cake at her party.
it was a mellow family event.
all i did all weekend was eat and drive.

i put many miles on the car and 5 pounds on my body.
my ass got fatter.
it is weird how you lose weight and then when you gain some back it doesn't go back to the same places.
my tummy got a little rounder but my butt got HUGE!!!
so it is back to the program.
protein, veggies and fruits.
i go in a week to get my triglycerides, cholesterol, and vitamin d checked.
i'd hate to go back and have to be put back on meds cuz i can't keep the junk food out of my mouth.

i had a surprise though over the birthday weekend.
my 2nd ex-fiancee facebooked me and told me he was getting divorced.
i met him for breakfast on sunday.
he looks the same.
same smile, same brown eyes, he's filled out.
he was such a skinny thing back in the day.
it had been 18 years since we were a couple engaged.
we agreed we were both just really young.
we are talking and texting now.
i hope we can be friends.
i don't know if it'll ever be more then that.
but we still have some stuff in common as far as music and values.
it was good to talk to him.
he said i looked good and i was like he remembered me and that was a good thing.

this week my allergies have been kicking my butt.
but other then that we are back into our routine.
i know i'm so boring!
someone told me i was sexy, i think they were high :)
i've retired from dating.
doesn't mean i won't ever have sex again, cuz we all know you don't have to date to copulate ;)
i'm hoping for a quiet sunny weekend.
my kid is going home with one of her college friends.
i'm not completely broke, but i'm never rich.
everything is right where it should be and i can't complain.

Depression makes me fat

i've gained nearly 7 pounds since last week when i lost the baby.
i've fallen into a crippling depression.
i'm always going to bed.
if i'm not in bed i'm eating.
i eat everything and anything.
i'm not even hungry.
it is like i'm trying to fill up the emptiness inside of me.

physically i feel better.
all the yucky bleeding and cramping has stopped.
next week i go to the doctor to see if it is all okay
and to find out when i can start to try to get pregnant again.
but emotionally i'm a wreck.
i know this is a deep depression.
i've been through this before several times.
i don't want to go back on medications to get out of this.
if i'm on meds i can't try to get pregnant.

i didn't realize how much i wanted another baby until i found out i was pregnant.
and now that i've lost the baby all i want is to try again.
i really need to focus on having a baby.
i need to find my motivation again.
i've been kicked down but i can't stay down.
this is my pep talk to myself.
pull yourself up shannon irene and get back on that horse.

you are pretty.
you are smart.
you are awesome.

you know all 3 men (excluding my father) have told me i'm pretty my whole life.
the kid's dad, my ex-fiance brian and scott.

bret told me that there's was nothing about me, face or body that would make him look twice.
it was because he remembered me and my personality from high school that he started talking to me.
he said i was such a happy go lucky person when we were in high school.
that was such a long time ago.
like scott said, we are only small pieces of the people we used to be.
my demons have eaten a huge amount of the happiness i used to have.

happiness, we are guaranteed the pursuit of it in the u.s. constitution
and this nation pursues happiness with a vengance,
but we are more depressed, medicated and fatter then ever.
i think we are all failing on a huge scale to keep the happiness we find.
i bet alot of people are like me.
i think i know what makes me happy so i go after it, get it,
and it either bores me, or it wasn't what i had thought it would be.
then i'm not happy anymore.

i think we are a nation of discontents.
we are all children running around in a candy store.
or a bunch of bulls running loose in a china shop.
i can't carry happiness when i'm being crushed by my infinite sadness.
i want to be happy, but i want to be happy all the time.
and nothing is 100% all the time on.

it hurts to know that scott will reject me again and again.
it hurts to know that i'm never going to be me again.
but i have to go forward because going back is never an option.

6am up and ready to go

the downside to having more energy. i am wide awake at 6am now.
nothing better to do then get ready for the day.
i have a feeling, the more active i get the less i'm going to sleep in and with me not watching tv, i'm going to have to fill in all the new hours with something. maybe one of my neighbors will be able to give me some extra special exercise ;)

it is friday, but my mood is still in the tank. it's weird to have energy, yet be in a down swing of a mood. i was walking my 3rd mile yesterday and in my head all i heard was keep on walking, keep on walking, keep on walking, cuz your thighs are fat and you are ugly. borderline personality disorder can really be bummer.

it's hard to love me, but i wish someone would try!

i stopped and my garage is cleaned!!!

my period finally stopped for GOOD!!!!

i got the garage cleaned and organized. i tried to make it pretty. i hung up a floral table cloth, and some christmas lights on the wall, but the kid made me take it all down, cuz it's a garage, it ain't supposed to be pretty.

i took Sophie to the dog park this morning. we ran the car thru the car wash. and i took all the trash to the dumpster. it has been a great day.

i'm into a size 16 pant now!!! i got it going on now.

my kid wants me to be fat and lazy again. she says she's going to shove ding dongs, cupcakes, and twinkies down my throat whilst i sleep. i'm starting to remember the H in my adhd.

i'm ready to finish up, which means i have to now put away all the stuff i brought into the house.

my revolution has begun

went to do all the testing to get put on my medically supervised diet today and it all looks kosher. so if tomorrow's final visit with the doc goes well then wednesday i will be on a new diet. all shakes for 2 weeks then 3 shakes and then either a protein bar or soup for my other 2 meals. it'll be hard work to reprogram every bad eating habit into a good one, but i'm so sick and tired all the time and i know it's because i'm a huge fat cow...
but on the upside my metabolism is kick ass!!! who knew, this is why i probably don't weigh 500 pounds by now. i mean, i should, the way i eat. and i sit on my butt all day working at the computer. but now i venture into healthy eating habits, vegtables, fruits, lean meats, and whole grains. i find myself anxious, nervous, and on the look out for my old self to avoid all attempts of me sabatoging me. watch out old self u r going down, ya fat bitch!!!

The great outdoors suck!!!

I really hate having to go outside in the summertime. The bugs, the ants, the spiders, the wasps, bees, hornets. The pollen, the screaming kids running around like wild animals. It sucks.

Plus my car air conditioning doesn't work. I have to come home from work and take a shower because i'm sticky with sweat. winter just suits me and my fat obese body better.

i'm so allergic to the world. and i know it hates me. why else am i ignored everywhere i go?

this was a total waste of a day. all it's been about is frustration and pain. and to top it off i noticed how damn fat my nose has gotten and now i can't stop playing with it. i keep pushing the tip of my nose side to side and up and down. it's like when you find a pimple you hadn't noticed and you have to pick at it until it bleeds. i hope i don't make my nose bleed. that would be so stupid of me.

Pizza Addiction

I am seriously addicted to pizza. My fave is green peppers, sausage, and pepperoni on a thin crust. I got one from a local place today and I've been munching on it off and on. I know my chlosterol is too high. But I can't give up pizza. Even if I can only have it once a month it's better then never at all.

This lifestyle change is killing me. I stopped going to my workouts because the kid came home and I was swamped with doing stuff with her. I've also been working alot of weekends, this one included. I have been remembering to take the med twice a day most days. I still just can't stomach most fruits and veggies. Where did my parents go wrong? My mom always made a veggie at dinner and we always had to eat our veggies.

Maybe it was this forced eating of the veggies that has led me to not wanting to even buy them, let alone eat them. It always feels like such a burden to eat my veggies. It's not that I think they taste bad. It's like they don't taste like anything at all. I do like green peppers, brocoli, cucumbers, peas, and carrots. But even if I buy them I don't fix them, because I'm so lazy. It's easier to throw something in the microwave then to get out a knife and cutting board and cut up some veggies.

I go back to the doctor in October to have my chlosterol numbers checked and if they still aren't down, good bye pizza, good bye and hello veggies. I hope the med is working. I've made changes, reduced fat cheeses, fat free pudding, diet frozen foods, vitamins and fish oil. I just hope it's enough. I pray it's enough.

Crusty Elbows

I have fat people elbows. They have folds of skin and they are dry, dark, and crusty. I scrub them. I lotion them. I have lost 18 pounds. I HATE my crusty disgusting elbows!!!!

I don't mind walking around naked and letting my fat gut hang out or my flabby arms jiggle or even having my thighs rub together. Everyone else objects, but I like not having clothes cutting into me and leaving marks on me. Even loose clothes leave marks on me, does that make me impressionable --- bad humor!!!!

I think I need to get a sander and grind these nasty elbows down....

Exercise Hates Me!

At what point is exercise supposed to start boosting my endorphins and increasing my energy level? I've been working out for a over a month now and I just feel like shit after every work out. My body hurts, aches, throbs for days. My back just burns with pain. I know I was out of shape to the extreme, that's why I joined Curves, because it's simple and low impact. I feel like I've been impacted by an asteroid!!!!

It makes me not want to go anymore, but I have got to lose weight. It's a catch 22 for me. I'm on meds for my cholesterol plus I'm eating a low fat diet and I've not lost any weight. I'm totally confused. It's like my body loves being fat and doesn't want to give any of it up. I will soldier on, but it's really starting to depress me.