Frozen Shoulder

i've been depressed, bored, and stuck in status quo land.
my shoulder which has been persistently getting worse since it pulled and burned at the end of april
has an official diagnosis of frozen shoulder.
i.e. torture via physical therapy and if that doesn't work, knock me out, stretch it out, more torture with physical therapy
and if it is still messed up, cut it open and cut the scar tissue up.
oh the joy, more surgery, and by the time this plays all out will be in a new year so there will be new max out of pockets.
so sick of being in pain and having the stupidest shit go wrong with my body.

i've been working so hard to get a handle on my type 2 diabetes but i keep just hitting these bumps.
at least the migraines are few and far between now.
they aren't gone completely, God Forbid, I get cured of anything.
i am losing some weight, not enough, but it is coming off.
i'm doing what the diabetes site recommends with carbs but i still think it is too many carbs.
my body seems to not be able to handle that many carbs at all.

it is moments like these i wish i'd treated myself better after my mother's death.
i got so depressed for so long i just lost myself to it.
i went so long without addressing my issues that by the time i got help i'd forgotten what it was like to be healthy.
now when i feel better it almost feels wrong like that's the broken me and the sick me is the normal me.
i've gotten so used to misery i don't know what it is like to live without it.

just to summon the interest to log in and blog has taken me months.
i don't want to tell the doctor and get more pills.
all my pills now are non-psychological which i'd like to keep that way.
but if i can't shake this depressive mood where all i do is sleep and stare into nothingness for hours...

all my little joys have evaporated and dispersed into the clouds now they rain down upon someone else's day.

Being Gutted Like a Fish

The surgery got approved at the end of March i get gutted like a fish.
No more periods.
No more pressure on myself.
It will be a relief not to have a uterus or cervix.
I am nervous.
It is a big surgery with a lot of stitches.
I hope it goes well and i heal quickly.
Right now I'm trying hard not to catch anything.

My allergies and sinus' are giving my grief.
It is hard for me to stay well anymore.
I'm depressed again and I don't know why.
I'm getting a tax return that will cover almost all the deductible and out of pocket expenses.
I can set up a payment plan on the rest.

My dad will be here the entire week of my surgery.
We can go to the hockey game since it is two days before.
It is all falling into place.
But I'm anxious.
Being cut on make me that way.
I think that's normal and healthy.
I hope.

My friend had an ovarian cyst removed.
Her surgery went well.
She is in pain but not too badly.
I'm just a horrible patient.
I know that, my kid and dad really know that.
I'm awful to be around when I'm in pain and sick.
Pain in the ass can't even cover it.

I go in 3/27 i will be outpatient - overnight observe.
I go monday to do the consent papers and get the post op scheduled.
The doc will also get all the drugs called in so i can pick them up.
I have the pre op on 3/19 at the hospital.
If i have a fever or chest congestion or something shows up on the chest x-ray they won't do the surgery.
Hopefully, it will all be clear.

My stomach has hurt all day.
I think i'm ovulating, it's like my uterus knows i'm getting rid of it
and it is protesting.
My period was awful as usual.
At least I can give any pads I have left to my friend.
I will get back the $4K in cost in pads within 2 1/2 years.
Yes, that's how many pads i go through!!!!
I know right, ridiculous!

I Give Up

I give up.
I'm getting fixed.
The decision has been made.
The tests have been done.

There is nothing keeping me from having another child physically.
The tests showed no tumors, cysts, fibroids, cancers, blockages, etc.
My uterus is tilted and prolapsed which could make it difficult to carry to term.
But I'm 41 despite every time I go to my OB-GYN she keeps thinking I'm only in my early 30's.
I'm flattered I look so young, but I've had to correct her 3 times now.
She keeps saying are you sure you want to do the hysterectomy you're what 32-33 and I go I'm 41.
And she's like I'm sorry I keep doing that with you don't I, and I'm like yes, and she goes, you look so young.
Which again, is flattering, but really, read the top of the chart, not just the cliff notes.

So my uterus and cervix will come out but I keep my ovaries and fallopian tubes.
This will fix all my issues.
My awful, painful, extensive, blood bath periods.
I go through jumbo pad which the last bag I went through was labeled a 3 month supply based on average use.
Well, my periods aren't average.

I have to take tramadol for the pain and muscle relaxers for the cramps.
I have to change pads every hour or I bleed through them and then my pants.
Plus, the doctor said removing the uterus will take care of the prolapse which could help the pressure issue I have during sex and the leaking issue I have.
She said it might not fix all of my leak issues but it could help quite a bit.

I have the insurance now.
I have the ability to work from home for the 4-6 week recovery period now.
I have the support with my friends and daughter in place now.
I don't know if I will have that 5-6 years which is when the 2nd option will wear off.

The 2nd choice was to have my tubes tied and get an uterine ablation.
The uterine ablation itself can cause bleeding, cramping, pain, organ damage, infections and weight gain.
I have type 2 diabetes I'm working very hard to lose weight.
Any options that cause weight gain the doctor and I pretty much eliminated.
Plus, if it wears off before I start menopause I could have periods again.
I have no idea from my family history what the average age of menopause is, most the woman in my family had hysterectomies after giving birth at some point and usually by my age at the latest.

I wish I had more children, but that wasn't meant to me.
I had a year to deal with that and come to terms with it.
This is the best for my health.
Maybe someday my kid will give me a grandchild, maybe not.
I feel blessed to have been a Mother to the one child I have.
I have to do what is right for me and this is what is good for my health.

MRI surprise

Migraines this year have been 4 a month.
medications have been an epic failure.
my life has been turned upside down and dimmed by them.
they begin with pain and stiffness in my neck.
so the doctor finally sent me in for an mri to check for that elusive brain tumor.
and we get a brain aneurysm so now i get to go and get an mra.

all my migraine symptoms except for the neck pain and stiffness match warning headaches.
so for 11 months i've had this time bomb in my head and didn't even know it.
i must be brave.
who am i kidding i've been blubbering like a giant baby.
i don't have time for this.
i can't afford this.
but alas, here it is ready or not.

my brother had a ruptured aneurysm when he was 23 and he is disabled to this day.
so there is even more concern with the family history.
my brother's was genetic so i shouldn't be too surprised.
one of my doctor's asked her when she was going all her health issues and i went with her to an appointment
how many children she had, she said three, and he asked if all were blonde and blue eyed.
mom said no, her middle son had dark hair and eyes like my dad.
he said that the two blonde kids would inherit all or most of the health issues since we inherited
the recessive genes from both sides.
and he has been so right.
my oldest brother and i are the two fair ones and we are sick all the time.
but my middle brother has had few health issues, he just finished a marathon.

i don't know where this is going but i can use all the prayers and well wishes i can get.

Moving and Moving some More

We closed on the house a week ago Thursday and have in a constant state of moving ever since.
I've moved 99% of it myself.
I haven't had this much of a work out in ages.
I even took apart and moved the kitchen table and put it back together.
I feel like Wonder Bitch!!!
Cause all the aches and pains are making me so cranky.

This is a good change that I embrace.
My hope is to be completely over at the new house by the end of September.
At some point I will have to enlist help for the really big pieces of furniture.
I'm calling moving companies for that and they aren't cheap.
But to spare my back it might be worth it.

Tomorrow I take advantage of the Labor day holiday to move the computer and all its components to the new house.
I've been sleeping over there on a twin bed with Sophie the Puggle.
Talk about being squeezed for room.
Can't wait until we have the queen bed over there.
I think the dog and I both miss it.

Today is church, then taking my clean clothes and dresser drawers over to the new house.

I will feel a true sense of accomplishment if I can get everything but the really heavy stuffed moved myself.
The more time I spend in the house the more I love it.
I hate moving but this is worth it.

Hippity Dippity Do

This trying to be healthy thing is going to kill me.
I eat more fiber my stomach swells up and i feel like i'm going to implode.
I cut back on sugar and carbs and i get freezing cold and shake all the time.
I do yoga to stretch out myself and improve circulation and posture and i injure my back and hip.

i've hurt my hip so much i know have snapping hip syndrome. no lie.
the doctor can even hear it when i move my knee up my chest, a loud POP!
And it hurts so bad I cry.

Xray was good, no stress fracture, no deformations, no tears.
There is just a lot of swelling and that is causing the pain.
Now i am winding down my steroid dosage and the pain is back as fierce as ever.
so now i have to make an appt. with the the bone doctor so i can get a shot straight into my hip.
sounds like some fun.

in the mean time, i'm supposed to be resting my hip.
how do you rest a hip i asked my regular doctor?
he said it is really hard but stay off my leg, don't get up and down a lot, and just rest it.
well today i took a walking tour with my kid at OSU, she's looking to transfer there to get a 4 year,
after she finishes her two year studies at Hocking Technical College.

needless to say my hip does NOT feel rested it feels like it is on fire!!!

so i'm 40 years old and i'm falling apart!
yup, falling apart!

Pictures are Worth It

well, my latest and greatest sexual adventure is going well.
he comes over about 2 times a week.
we have sex, i sometimes get multiple orgasms, i at least get one,
but he always aims to please.
we are even taking dirty pictures of ourselves.
for our own pleasure of course.

i sprained my lower back by over exerting it.
and i'm sure slipping in the bath tub didn't help.
so i'm on muscle relaxers and pain killers.
i've been high as a kite all week.
i'm being very careful now to ween myself off them.
my lower back is popping and cracking like crazy.
now the pain is dull and throbbing whereas before it was sharp and stabbing pain.
i like to think that is progress.

next week i'm taking a couple of vacation days.
going to get my nieces and we are going to go see a soccer game.
i hope they like it.

here's hoping next week brings me health and more orgasms!

Tummy Troubles

it's been rough since sunday.
my stomach does NOT agree with anything i do.
i belch, fart, get constipated, bloated, the runs, and just pain!
i didn't know gas could hurt so damn much.
i was popping gas x like vicoden at work so i wouldn't produce a methane cloud in my cubicle.
i don't know what i did or ate to start it.
sunday morning it was just killing me.
i couldn't poop to save my life.

so i popped some laxative.
and i still couldn't poop.
so i popped some more laxative.
then i couldn't stop pooping on monday.

the gas was so bad even the dog had to come up for air.
i smell and it lingers on my clothes.
this is just awful.
i know everybody poops, but is it so bad i want to do it on my usual schedule.

i know this is totally gross and way too much information,
but my tummy troubles are dominating my life.
i can't stay far from the bathroom.
i've gained 7 pounds.
and i'm not eating or drinking anything different.
i think i might have to fast friday and saturday to purge my system.

this sucks and stinks!

i eat the same stuff every day.
i drink the same stuff every day.
i might have to break down and get some of that activia crap.
i hate yogurt, but i saw they had it in drinks.
i might be able to suppress my gag reflex long enough to get that down.

10 years later

9/11/11 - 10 years have past, but it could be a 100 years and the pain lingers, you will not be forgotten.

Life is eternal; and love is immortal; and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. ~ Rossiter W. Raymond

we must remember, keep the pain close, and hold onto it, pass it down, and let our children's children know the heartache. remembering is the only way to make sure this tradgedy is never repeated. once we forget our past we open the door to repeating it's mistakes.

may peace begin within you and spread outward from you like the brightest light that no darkness can ever conquer!

dog park kind of day

it is beautiful outside. a perfect fall type of day. a great breeze and just enough heat as to not be cold. so i packed sophie up and we went to the dog park. i walk 2 miles on my bum foot and she ran and frolicked with the other pups. now we are chilling and she's napping and life is good.

my foot is getting better. i keep it covered with gauze and neosporin until bed. then i leave it uncovered with the neosporin on it. it burns less, but the newly exposed layer of skin is still very red.

i am reaching a place in the pain that is tolerable for me. i've been reading C.S. Lewis' book The Problem of Pain. I find it interesting. I am struggling with my faith right now. I know God exists. I have never doubted that, but having bi-polar and borderline personality disorder I often feel that I am unworthy, empty, useless, small, and forsaken.

I wonder why I must suffer in so much pain, both physical and mental, if God loves me. Of course, the book of Job, is a clear example of testing, enduring, and perserverance. But lately, I started to once again feel disconnected, not just from God, but from all the people who surround me. I just wanted to be left alone.

These emotions aren't new to me. I often isolate myself. I justify these action by telling myself that if I am alone, the only person I can hurt is myself, but I end up hurting the two people who love me the most. My kid and my Dad, are the ones that take the most punishment from my "moods".

i've seen disappointment on my Dad's face more time then i can count. My daughter just shakes her head and says there is something wrong with you. I don't know how to make things better for them. I am this emotionally raw creature that has yet to be contained, tamed, or restrained. Every time i try to better myself, i get scared, and revert back to what is familiar.

i have so many thoughts twirling in chaotic dances in my head. i wish i could capture one and hold onto it until it finished its dance, but i am never able to keep what i want the most. To quote the book "...the doors of hell are locked on the inside."

if i surrender completely to God, as the book suggests, to be healed, then i admit i have no control over anything, including myself. now i see why God loses so many of us. i know God can run my life better then I can, but I don't want to bother him with my mundane details. I am back to feeling like a burden to him. This thinking keeps me from embracing His love to the fullest, but I don't know how to break the cycle. I feel like i'm chasing my own tail all the time.

the blister!!!

well walking is out the window. i put the blister bandage over my expanding blister so i could walk around with the kid at her new school for orientation and registration. i thought it was doing okay. we walked alot.

i get home and go to take the bandage off and check the blister and the bandage had melted into the blister. I had to painfully pull off what i could and the blister came off with it. then i had to cut off the rest for easily to get the rest of the bandage off, but all the skin came off with it.

now i am in alot of pain and the bottom of my foot is red and raw. it is starting to burn and throb alot. and of course, it is a friday so the doctor is closed until monday.

i will just have to suck it up and keep my foot up all weekend. at least my kid is still home for 3 weeks to take care of me. but only if i threaten to not give her any extra money when she goes to school. yup, she really really does not care that i hurt.

whenever i try to do right or good, it always comes back around to hurt me in some way!!!!

self medication is grand

so my walking has resulted in aches and pains,
so i decided to self medicate with jack daniels and dt. cherry coke.
i'm feelign fine, no worries, no crimes, just chilling with my glass, jack, dt. cherry zero, and ice baby.

my child is amused, don't ask me to utilize my balance, it has fled my intoxicated jurisdiction. life is beautiful, even if it is crooked. i luv me right now. i even held my tongue agaist that blonde skinny cow.

i just need a good fuck,but i'm out of luck.
this is what the devil would call a victory, but i refer to it as a let down in the pathetic american medical system.
i would have gone to the urgent care for my strained back,
if we had universal health care i'd have them take a look at my back!

suddenly ill

woke up at 4:30 not feeling well. thought i might be hungry, so i had a very small bowl of all bran and took some tylenol for my back ache and allergy med for my stuffed up nose.

woke up at 6:00 feeling okay. went to work around 9am the meds were wearing off and i was miserable. i struggled to lunch and tried to eat some salad and a piece of veggie pizza but neither agreed with me.

my left side and lower back are killing me.

so i begged off work, came home and i am working remotely now.
i think i strained my back muscles walking.
i've also been working on improving my posture.
maybe that's why it hurts.

so tired!!! i'm still going to walk at least 1 mile tonight. yesterday I walked two. I'm not going to let some aches and pains keep me down.

menopause sounds really good right now

so i thought my period was done, after 15 days, but no. it started back up again this morning. if i could press a button on my body to start menopause, i'd so do it!!!

my back flipping aches, cramps are still raging, this just sucks! i called the doctor's office and wanted to make an appointment to have this checked out, but no, i have to talk to the nurse line first and it's a machine. and maybe, it's all my fracking pms'ing, but i was in no mood to tell a machine i'm having the period from hell.

i want to cry. i'm starting to think this period will not end. today i have some fun things to do, but i'll have to keep running to the bathroom to change my stupid pads out.

i guess if i'm still bleeding to death on monday i'll try the doctor again, maybe i won't want to scream into the phone when i get a machine. i know i'm being unreasonable, but it's not like i can control it. and that's my biggest problem, the more things out of my control the more i get upset. i have some serious issues, duh!!!

maybe if i take that neighbor up on his offer, sex will stop my period, it's not like he can knock me up right now.

God's firework show last night.

wow, the lightning last night was amazing. we lost power for a couple of hours. so i just sat on the couch and watched the show out the window. it looked like there were several very close lightning strikes. but nothing has been fried electronically, so i'm thankful for that.

a guy's car alarm kept going off after every lightning strike. the dog kept growling every time the thunder shook the windows. the storm was fierce. i was in the middle of baking some brownies when the power went out. needless to say, they were a complete lost. i tried to continue baking them 2 hours later when we got power back and it was no good. they were goopy in the center and spongy on the edges. so i tossed them.

my should feels amazing. the cortizone shot into the tendon worked wonders. i slept so good. i feel rested and revived. i've been cleaning, walking the dog, checking out the storm damage.

i think today is going to be a good day. and i really need one of those.
thank you God for the free firework show last night.

double d's tomorrow, lovely

i scheduled dentist and doctor appointments 3 hours apart tomorrow.
what did you think double D's meant, perves, mine are triple D's.

i have the dentist at noon to fill cavities.
i have 8 and they are perfectly symmetrical.
4 on each side and the same teeth and same level on each side.
symmetry is pretty and pleasing to my eye.
crooked is evil and ugly.

then at 2:30 i go to the doctor to find out why the left side of my chest is hot to the touch, hurts to touch, has lumps and i can't lift my arm over my head anymore. it's been killing me for over two weeks.
i knew it was time to go to the doctor when i thought about a taking a knife and cutting into the pain. crazy right, but it seemed reasonable to me at the time. luckily, my kid asked me why i had the knife pointed at my chest. snapped me out of it. i really wanted to cut myself, somehow i thought that would make the pain go away. but i throw up at the sight of blood, so it would not have worked. damn, bpd!

i am hoping my numbness from the dentist has worn off by the time i go to the doctor, otherwise the doctor might think i had a stroke.
that would be bad.

yes, tomorrow will be painful, but hopefully, the pain will be temporary and my chest and teeth will be all better.

o migraine, y must u visit me so often.

i got a migraine coming on. i can feel it building and it hurts. i did all my usual heading it off tactics. hot shower, followed by ice packs on my eyes and neck, excederin migrain, and no lights. but i don't think i got to it quick enough. it is going to be a nasty one.

i guess i need buckle up and be prepared to be in a dark cool room for the next 24-48 hours.

migrains just suck!!!

another ache to add to the monday pain

i slept on my shoulder wrong saturday into sunday. i could not find the proper otc med and/or ice/heat combo to make it better. so i thought, i will sleep on my right side instead of my left. it started out okay, but this morning i woke up on the sore shoulder. i am a left side sleeper! isn't weird how you sleep on a certain side of the bed (right for me) and then you sleep in a certain position (left side) without even thinking about it?!

when i was young i slept on my stomach all the time, but being pregnant at 17 broke me of that and ever since i've slept on my left side. it doesn't matter what sleeping position i start in, i wake up on my left side and i'm right handed so it makes no sense to me at all. so my shoulder hurts and aches, like i need another pain on top of my usual fms ones.

i am beginning to smell like icy hot even when i don't have any one. icy hot, ben gay, therma care patches, and ice packs when those don't work. i am on savella and it has helped a little, but when i hurt, nothing helps and it just sucks, plus it is a Monday!

but thus is my life and it could be worse, right!?

someone disabled my biological interface filter

wow, i've really put my foot in my mouth this time. and i can't seem to stop. i've been so hopped up on caffiene for the last couple days to stay awake to get through the extra work load that my mouth has been running at 5 times the speed of my thoughts. this has resulted in some people outside my department and maybe a few in my department to get offended. i need to get my disabled biological interface filter back on line, ie.. i need to shut my trap and focus on the work.

i've been manic for like 5 days now and i'm crashing bad. i am looking forward to my dentist appointment tomorrow for several reasons. i get pain pills. i get to take the afternoon off of work and i'll be so numb from the procedure i won't be able to talk for at least two hours afterwords!!!!

i'm afraid the damage might already be done though. i can't take back what i said, heck, i can't remember even a quarter of what i said. someone said well you shouldn't have said that and i was like i said that, and they were like yeah. and i was honest and said i didn't remember. that is what happens when i get manic, stuff just flies out of my mouth and i don't remember what i said or to who or when. it's is crazy!!! i was craving sugar, pop, zingers, twinkies, ice cream.... i spent money i don't have and just made a general ass out of myself in front of co-workers.

yup, a sucky week and it's only wednesday. i think i've gotten myself calmed down, but now i'm so exhausted from it all i just want to sleep for a week. i really need some vacation time!!!

forgot to take meds this morning

i knew i forgot to do something this morning. i hate when my schedule and routine are messed with. getting up at 6 so i can go to work then the kid can take the car after dropping me off and she gets to work by 8 sucks.

i figured out by 9 what i forgot, my eyes were watering. i was sneezing. i had a headache and i hurt and ached. i forgot to take my morning meds. allergy pill, savella (fms) and my tryglceride med. it was an EXTREMELY LONG DAY!!!

i was working 7 - 4 and i told my boss, wow, i'm exhausted it must be close to 4 and he said no it's not even 2:30 yet!!!! These kind of days, where they go on forever, just suck.

i had to come home and take my day meds with my night meds. i laid down to just make sure, but i'm not hungry and now i'm not tired. so happy tomorrow is a work from home day!!!