MRI surprise

Migraines this year have been 4 a month.
medications have been an epic failure.
my life has been turned upside down and dimmed by them.
they begin with pain and stiffness in my neck.
so the doctor finally sent me in for an mri to check for that elusive brain tumor.
and we get a brain aneurysm so now i get to go and get an mra.

all my migraine symptoms except for the neck pain and stiffness match warning headaches.
so for 11 months i've had this time bomb in my head and didn't even know it.
i must be brave.
who am i kidding i've been blubbering like a giant baby.
i don't have time for this.
i can't afford this.
but alas, here it is ready or not.

my brother had a ruptured aneurysm when he was 23 and he is disabled to this day.
so there is even more concern with the family history.
my brother's was genetic so i shouldn't be too surprised.
one of my doctor's asked her when she was going all her health issues and i went with her to an appointment
how many children she had, she said three, and he asked if all were blonde and blue eyed.
mom said no, her middle son had dark hair and eyes like my dad.
he said that the two blonde kids would inherit all or most of the health issues since we inherited
the recessive genes from both sides.
and he has been so right.
my oldest brother and i are the two fair ones and we are sick all the time.
but my middle brother has had few health issues, he just finished a marathon.

i don't know where this is going but i can use all the prayers and well wishes i can get.

Deep Cuts with Shallow Weapons

it's amazing how silence can cut a heart in two.
how him not saying something can shatter you.
he masters the art of not being there.
yes, he says, go on without me,
like he's giving me some great gift to live without him.
the arrogance he has doesn't keep him warm at night,
but neither does he keep me warm at night.

it was more then i imagined in the beginning and less then i had hoped for in the end.
he's not anything to me anymore,
we began lovers, then boyfriend and girlfriend, then back to lovers and now there's nothing at all.
we aren't friends, it's like our small pond of emotions and passions got dried up in a drought of neglect.

i do miss him, but that's my fault.
nearly 6 months of this back and forth has me depressed and exhausted.
the worst part is no little baby to hold on to.
that's the disappointment, nothing to ever show how much i love him.
in weeks, he'll be a sometime afterthought, like a mirage in the desert of my loneliness.

his lack of words was his greatest weapon and it cut me so deeply i don't think i'll recover.

Fireworks but not the good kind

Wow, do i know how to make myself single.
my man is pissed at me.
i did go off on him, but he deserved it.
he's been ignoring me.

you know lots of things die from neglect, people, pets, plants, and relationships!
i texted him how i was feeling neglected and gave him a week to tell me what was going on with him or i just had to move on.
he does not like ultimatums at all.

he called my texts a manifesto, i'm not a unibomber.
the last 3 weeks he has stopped seeing me, stopped texting me and stopped calling me, in my experience that means you are dumped.
but in his world it just means he's too busy to bother.
then he tried to blame me for being pushy.
i was pushing to meet his boys -- FALSE!

he told me he wanted me to meet his boys before they started back to school so it didn't stress them too much.

i've never asked to meet the boys.
i've been pushing to see him so we can make a baby.
he says i'm pushing for something permanent.
hello, isn't having a baby permanent?!

then his ex-wife called having a melt down that she got a friend request from me on facebook, like that's the end of the world, he went off about that.
why does her facebook say she's still married and she lives with him?
is he even divorced and if he told her about me like he told me he did, why is she freaking out???

i think it's over.
i can't take this drama and he can't either.
i see him friday and i think we are slamming the brakes.
my biggest regret is i'm not pregnant.
and i will really miss the sex.
but my needs are too great.
he used to love that i wanted him all the time, but now it's being pushy!


AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

No More Secrets and Lies

i gave up my biggest secret.
i know the fallout for me is minimal.
i feel bad and relieved all at the same time.
i don't know what the future holds for myself and them, but at least there's no more secrets and lies.

i am going to keep moving forward.
i know i'm alone.
i was warned me this would happen.
he's made a promise now but i don't know if he can keep it.
i know i couldn't keep mine to him.

what motivates me?

a guilty conscience, jealousy, loneliness, and desire for what will never be mine.

all of the above were my motivations.
i've been thinking about telling the secret for months.
it started after i lost the baby.
it weighed heavily on my heart, maybe if i wasn't lying and keeping secrets i'd still be pregnant.
i feel like karma was punishing me and the only way to square it up was to tell.

i never promised i wouldn't tell.
that is the promise you should have had me make.
that is the promise i could have kept.

back to the doctor tomorrow to have blood work done
and to see if a mole on my nose needs to be checked for cancer.