Deep Cuts with Shallow Weapons

it's amazing how silence can cut a heart in two.
how him not saying something can shatter you.
he masters the art of not being there.
yes, he says, go on without me,
like he's giving me some great gift to live without him.
the arrogance he has doesn't keep him warm at night,
but neither does he keep me warm at night.

it was more then i imagined in the beginning and less then i had hoped for in the end.
he's not anything to me anymore,
we began lovers, then boyfriend and girlfriend, then back to lovers and now there's nothing at all.
we aren't friends, it's like our small pond of emotions and passions got dried up in a drought of neglect.

i do miss him, but that's my fault.
nearly 6 months of this back and forth has me depressed and exhausted.
the worst part is no little baby to hold on to.
that's the disappointment, nothing to ever show how much i love him.
in weeks, he'll be a sometime afterthought, like a mirage in the desert of my loneliness.

his lack of words was his greatest weapon and it cut me so deeply i don't think i'll recover.

Happy New Years 2011 RIP

Here's what i sent Scott today via Facebook -
my new year's resolution is to get a boyfriend. and that's not u. so u r hereby cut off. please don't come around anymore. i will bring down the rest of the money i owe u when i get it. like u said it's not fair and i deserve more then 5 minutes. have a great new year and i wish u and beverly a long boring life together.


now it is time to become invisible to him.
new walk the dog routine.
silence is queen.

i'm lonely.
i have to find a man to be here with me.
instead i keep finding men that want to use me.
it is time to turn it around.

i'm depressed.
today i will wallow in my misery.
tomorrow i will pick myself up and overcome this disease.
i deserve better!!!

Hate migraines

woke up 3am with a migraine. had to come home at lunch and lie in the dark with an ice pillow around my neck. took alieve and excederine migraine to no avail. haven't been able to sleep it off either. i just can't get comfortable. my house is completely dark, except for the computer screen. i had to log in and do some work. i am lucky i can work from home when these hit. it's easier to be at home and be able to turn out all the lights. darkness and silence are king when i have a migraine.

i've been working hard to get a date. using the pof site. made some contacts. had to make it clear to one of them so far that i'm not putting out on the first date. i deserve a meaningful long term monogamous relationship. if i just want to get laid i got a neighbor or three that would kindly oblige me. but i want to cuddle, go do stuff together, have lame disagreements on which actor was in which movie. u know, the coupledom crap. i miss it. it's been a long time since i've been in a real relationship.

i tried to push bret into a real relationship as he reminded me on our last phone call. he only wants friends with benefits. sure the benefits package is swell, but i deserve more!!!