Fireworks but not the good kind

Wow, do i know how to make myself single.
my man is pissed at me.
i did go off on him, but he deserved it.
he's been ignoring me.

you know lots of things die from neglect, people, pets, plants, and relationships!
i texted him how i was feeling neglected and gave him a week to tell me what was going on with him or i just had to move on.
he does not like ultimatums at all.

he called my texts a manifesto, i'm not a unibomber.
the last 3 weeks he has stopped seeing me, stopped texting me and stopped calling me, in my experience that means you are dumped.
but in his world it just means he's too busy to bother.
then he tried to blame me for being pushy.
i was pushing to meet his boys -- FALSE!

he told me he wanted me to meet his boys before they started back to school so it didn't stress them too much.

i've never asked to meet the boys.
i've been pushing to see him so we can make a baby.
he says i'm pushing for something permanent.
hello, isn't having a baby permanent?!

then his ex-wife called having a melt down that she got a friend request from me on facebook, like that's the end of the world, he went off about that.
why does her facebook say she's still married and she lives with him?
is he even divorced and if he told her about me like he told me he did, why is she freaking out???

i think it's over.
i can't take this drama and he can't either.
i see him friday and i think we are slamming the brakes.
my biggest regret is i'm not pregnant.
and i will really miss the sex.
but my needs are too great.
he used to love that i wanted him all the time, but now it's being pushy!


AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

An Unexpected Pleasure

wow, what a change in my life in less then a week.

i took the jeep into a shop to have the oil changed, tires rotated, and an alignment completed.
the neighbor that sold me the jeep recommended this place.
i booked an appointment on friday of last week and the guy on the phone was really funny.
he asked if my husband would be bringing the car in and i told him i was divorced.
he told me a joke,

you know why divorce is so expensive?

no

because it's worth it!!!

i thought that was so funny.

so i'm thinking the next day is st. patty's day and he sounded cute.
so i put on mascara, my dr. pepper chapstick, my new jeans, a tank top and a pretty new low cut t-shirt,
you know, just in case he's single and cute.

i walk in for my appointment and he immediately says, wow, great to see that smile.
i recognize his voice and i say hi, and he's like i talked to you yesterday on the phone.
and i'm like yes, i loved your joke.

so i decided to stay and hang out.
we are flirting.
i offer him my number.
he says he can't take it, but he can give me his number.
so the car is done and the amount isn't anywhere near what he quoted me.
it was just the oil change, i asked what happened to the alignment.
he said he didn't hear me, and i leaned in and said, you were too busy looking at my boobs.
he laughed and said yes i was.
so he's going to call me when i can bring the jeep back for alignment since the rack is taken.

so i'm taking the kid out to lunch and he text me.
we start texting then sexting alot.
i take the jeep back in and we are flirting like crazy in between his customers.
the kid is packing to head out to grandma's for spring break.
she's like quit flirting and bring the jeep home.
but the jeep wasn't done.
and it has ball joints going bad, so there's a couple of hundred bucks.
that's the only bad news from the luckiest st. patty's day i've ever had :)

i finally get home and the kid head's out.
he comes over after work and we're just supposed to get to know one another.
no sex, just maybe some kissing and talking.
figuring stuff out, like what this is and what we want.
he's divorced. he's got 3 boys under age 13.
he just wants to have some fun.
well we all know how the last two men i tried just to have fun with worked out.
but i told him i'd think about it and we had sex.
doggy style, bent over the couch,
i had an orgasm in 15 minutes, the neighbor didn't accomplish that in 5 months!!!

needless to say, i am once again trying a just for fun sexual relationship.
he came over yesterday too and we had sex and i had a record 8 orgasms in 45 minutes.
he's an alpha male too and i'm totally loving it.
i'm sure this relationship has an expiration date as well.
i ruin everything, but for now, i'm sore and extremely high on all the sex hormones.
so he has definitely brought me unexpected pleasure.
he calls and he texts me and he's not hiding anything that i know about.
and we are using birth control.
i told him upfront that i wasn't on any birth control.
i really meant it when i said i was done with secrets and lies.
wish me luck!!!

A Bruise on My Nose

saturday i woke up and went to the grocery store.
that went well, except i saw the carmello bars on close out at 53 cents each,
so i bought all that was left, since the cashier explained to me close out means
that store won't carry them anymore
so now i have a drawer full of carmello bars screaming my name
so far i've had one and gab has had one.

i get home and i'm putting away the groceries.
i am putting the kid's dinosaur fun nuggets, seriously, she's almost 21 years old,
in the freezer, i pull the freezer door open and slam it right into my nose!!!
usually when i injure myself in such a stupid manner i laugh,
this time it hurt so fucking bad i was totally dazed.
i had my glasses on to boot, so that made it hurt worse.
now i have a bruise on my nose.

only me right, sheesh!!!

scott came over to get his money.
i was going to drop it off to him, but i saw the bunny was home
and after konking myself on the nose i was in a pissy mood
and did not want to see her.
i could not guarentee i wouldn't be a total bitch just cuz i can be.
so he came down to get it.

he showed the kid how to check the oil in berta.
he walked around that jeep like a lover checking every inch
touching it gently, it was like watching some man-gasim in progress.
he really really loves that car, sweet berta.
but i'm greatful he checks up on it.
the kid and i just drive the shit out of the cars.
they don't have emotional meaning to us.
to each their own i guess.

i went to hug him and he hesitated big time.
i apolgized he got to see the very ugly side of my mental illness.
he let me give him a hug.
i've done some damage there, i'm not surprised.
bret and scott both won't ever trust me again.
scott and i had a 5 month run that's typical for me.

the most significant relationships in my life (all 7 of them)
last 5-7 consecutive months in a row.
i'm the one that cannot sustain a long term relationship.
i'm the loser.
i'm the committment phobe.
i'm the disease.

went to a neighbor's 6 year old's birthday party.
she was a ballerina.
i stuffed like 6 of those spring rolls in my mouth.
damn they were good.
the mom made all these little dainty chocolates.
they are from brazil and there was all this food i've never seen before
we left after an hour cuz the whole roasted pig was stirring up my gag reflux, thank u baby!!!

i was going to drive me and the other neighbors over to next door
but they wanted to walk, but i had already pulled up the car
so i just parked it up front, in the bunny's spot
when we walked back i couldn't find my keys and i was freezing
and ready to yack from eating all those spring rolls
so i just left the car their

i went and got it this morning when i walked sophie
i'm so thankful to have a garage
the kid took my ice scraper.
i hate scraping a car.
today the kid goes back to school
and i got to be alone and broke

but i think of the little baby inside of me and smile.

Cigarettes, Anger, and Regrets

i have been foolish again.
i made poor decisions again.
i drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and got totally trashed man for New Year's Eve.
I woke with the hang over plus i felt like i had eaten a cigarette.
i only smoke when i drink and i drank and smoked way too much.

i sent an angry message to scott, belittling the size of his penis.
i do prefer the smaller tool he has.
my uterus is slightly prolapsed and too big of a penis hits my cervix and hurts.
but i'm angry that i was lonely.
it's my fault really.
i let him come and go as he pleases.

i put a cigarette out on the trunk of his neon.
he fb'ed me back asking why i had anger directed towards him.
i guess i've let myself simmer for too long.
but when he touches me i can't think.
let alone tell him how he makes me feel.

everything is just fine and dandy,
but when he leaves me,
i'm unsatisfied, wet, horny, frustrated and just twisted up.
he makes me feel so excited then it's like he drops me and i shatter.
i want to be more to him then an easy lay.
the more i get to know him the more i want to know him.
it is a dire situation.

i think this one is over my head.
i deserve better.
even a fuck buddy treats u better then this.
5 months and not one orgasim for me.
he's right, it's not fair.
and i'm bored with the games he plays.

at least my headache is gone now.
my tummy feels somewhat better.
i want to have movie nights, snuggle time, silly moments.
affection nicknames, smacks on the ass, and regular sex.
i want a macaroni for all my cheese.

disappointment and hockey

the pregnancy test was negative. so i'm bummed. i guess i'll just keep trying.
lucky for me scott can't keep it in his pants.
he wants to use my garage to work on one of his cars.
he kept saying i want to park something of mine in your garage.
annoying and totally immature which is so scott.

me, dad, and the kid went to a columbus blue jackets game last night.
we were in the first row, which was awesome.
my dad had a really great time.
got the tickets and parking pass free from work.
thank goodness we took Lucille, dad's gps with us.
downtown columbus is a mess, with tons of closed exits.
lucille got us there and back though.

i invited scott and his son, but his little bunny had laser eye surgery,
and she can only see out of one eye.
so he needed to be the good boyfriend and take care of her.
sucks to be a committed relationship.
he never tells her he loves her.
i don't think i could live with a guy that never says i love you.
she's got blinders on.
he's going to destroy her.
i just want to have sex with him and make a baby.
the only one that doesn't know he's a liar and a cheater is her.
she's so stupid!!!
but love does that to you.

Hate migraines

woke up 3am with a migraine. had to come home at lunch and lie in the dark with an ice pillow around my neck. took alieve and excederine migraine to no avail. haven't been able to sleep it off either. i just can't get comfortable. my house is completely dark, except for the computer screen. i had to log in and do some work. i am lucky i can work from home when these hit. it's easier to be at home and be able to turn out all the lights. darkness and silence are king when i have a migraine.

i've been working hard to get a date. using the pof site. made some contacts. had to make it clear to one of them so far that i'm not putting out on the first date. i deserve a meaningful long term monogamous relationship. if i just want to get laid i got a neighbor or three that would kindly oblige me. but i want to cuddle, go do stuff together, have lame disagreements on which actor was in which movie. u know, the coupledom crap. i miss it. it's been a long time since i've been in a real relationship.

i tried to push bret into a real relationship as he reminded me on our last phone call. he only wants friends with benefits. sure the benefits package is swell, but i deserve more!!!

i'm a lean mean walking machine!

i have been walking the fat right off of me!!!
i am shooting for 15-20 miles a week.
today i did 2 miles in 1 hour and 15 minutes.
i did another mile after i got back from running errands and once it cools off around 7pm i will walk the last two making this my first 5 mile day.

i'm loving it!

i did only sleep 3 hours last night, but i will blame sexual frustration on that. i think the walking helps to burn that off.
men call women teases, i think they need to look in the mirror first.
i got a hickey, i haven't had one of those since high school.
i have a feeling it will be a no go with the naughty neighbor, the competition is young, thin, blonde, tanned, and according to multiple sources quite nice.

it looks like she is moving in, oh well. it would have been a nice ride until it crashed and burned, like all my past relationships, doesn't matter what the label is, friends, friends with benefits, hook ups, boyfriends, fiancee's or husbands.

i also ran the car through the car wash, vacuumed it, got the kid's laptop a new charger. now we are watching 2 1/2 weeks, a classic! and then it is the grocery store, dinner, and my last walk of the night!

It's been awhile

i can't really say i've not blogged cuz i've been busy. i've been more in a blue funk really. i get excited about christmas, realize how broke i am, and how much i miss my mom, and how my relationship isn't exactly what i hoped it would be, and i get depressed, sit on the couch all day and star out the window!

yup, exciting right?

but now i'm getting sick, so i'll have a real reason to mop and not just the emotional baggage that i carry around in my head. sore throat, stuffy nose, and a headache, all right before the weekend. and i have alot to do this weekend too, more then the standard cleaning that i put off until sunday at 6pm to do. gab's got work. i got to prep for visitor's next weekend. the washer is fixed, so laundry must be done, work won't like it if i come in naked.

so much to do, there's barely any food in the house, i got bills to pay, the dog needs bathed, brushed and fought with to get her toe nails clipped. that's like trying to brush the teeth on a alligator. she doesn't like it and goes wild like a bucking bronco when you bring out the toe nail clippers. i could pay someone to do it, but you did read how broke i am up above right???

tis the season to lose your mind, fa la la la la f*ck!!!

Happily Ever After

I want my happily ever after, and even though logically my head tells me that I have a better chance of being struck by lightening, my heart won't give up the search. I want so badly to have someone to confide in, to hold, to love. I've been through so many bad relationships I can only conclude it's me that's broken. These men have gone on to have long marriages after me, but none of my relationships last more then a year. I was married for 4 years, but we only lived under the same roof 7 months. So it's got to be me.

It makes me sad to think I will be growing old alone. It makes me want to die young. I have a better relationship with my female dog then I've ever had with any friends or men. Other then my kid and my dad I lead an isolated existence. I am not good at making small talk and I get bored easily. I can't even remember simple facts about people I meet, like their names and where they are from. I am just not a people person. I am not able to form meaningful life connections. I have no purpose.

I want to walk out into this rainy day and never look back. But I can't. I am a mother, a daughter, and a dog owner. I have responsibilites that I can't just cut away from. I know I feel unimportant, but I do have duties that are important. I just wish I had someone to hold my hand, kiss my lips, and tell me they understand and they're here for me.