Angels Talking

last night i had a dream angels were talking about me and him
everywhere i turned there were these beautiful winged angels whispering
and turning their heads away when i tried to meet their gaze.
what do dreams like these mean?

the neighbor that sold me the jeep and i used to sleep with went to the store
where my new lover works to complain about some work they did on his new car
he saw the jeep being worked on up on the rack
and asked why it was there
my lover said because it needs work done
the neighbor asked what work
and my lover told him the ball joints are going bad
and the neighbor lied and told him that he had told me they were going bad when he sold it to me.
wow, that's a huge lie.
he said the jeep was in good shape with no major work needing to be done.
my lover told me he could tell the neighbor was lying to him
the neighbor said it must be going bad because of how i'm driving it
my lover stated that my kid drives it
the neighbor got a look on his face like how do you know so much
then my lover said, don't worry i'm taking good care of her
then it dawned on the neighbor that he was now talking to my new lover

it's a small world after all!

i saw that neighbor today on his new motorcycle taking his kid for a ride
i find it funny that he worries about what's going on with his old car
but doesn't give a shit about the woman he used to fuck
he would tell me i was the hottest and wettest and he thought about me all the time.
my new lover tells me the same thing.
i wonder if he's lying to me like the neighbor did.
once burnt twice shy!

what would the angels say if they could talk to me today?
i could only understand my name and his in my dream.
i couldn't hear what else the angels were saying.
maybe the dream was me reminding myself of my fear of this man
being like the last man.

help, i have done it again.
i have been here many times before.
i pick the men that hurt me again and again.
and i can only blame me!

Taxes are In FINALLY!!!

wow, the tax money finally came in.
last year it took a week, this year nearly a month, due to some glitch with the irs and the electronic files.
and this year i really needed that money like two weeks ago.
just shows you can't depend on the government.

the kid's jeep battery died.
got to take care of that.
and on sunday she's 21!!!!
i feel so old.

i need ensure, depends, a better memory and a new hip!

wow, i'm so excited, depressed, and ready for a diet dr. pepper.

will write more on monday after the big 21!!!

A Bruise on My Nose

saturday i woke up and went to the grocery store.
that went well, except i saw the carmello bars on close out at 53 cents each,
so i bought all that was left, since the cashier explained to me close out means
that store won't carry them anymore
so now i have a drawer full of carmello bars screaming my name
so far i've had one and gab has had one.

i get home and i'm putting away the groceries.
i am putting the kid's dinosaur fun nuggets, seriously, she's almost 21 years old,
in the freezer, i pull the freezer door open and slam it right into my nose!!!
usually when i injure myself in such a stupid manner i laugh,
this time it hurt so fucking bad i was totally dazed.
i had my glasses on to boot, so that made it hurt worse.
now i have a bruise on my nose.

only me right, sheesh!!!

scott came over to get his money.
i was going to drop it off to him, but i saw the bunny was home
and after konking myself on the nose i was in a pissy mood
and did not want to see her.
i could not guarentee i wouldn't be a total bitch just cuz i can be.
so he came down to get it.

he showed the kid how to check the oil in berta.
he walked around that jeep like a lover checking every inch
touching it gently, it was like watching some man-gasim in progress.
he really really loves that car, sweet berta.
but i'm greatful he checks up on it.
the kid and i just drive the shit out of the cars.
they don't have emotional meaning to us.
to each their own i guess.

i went to hug him and he hesitated big time.
i apolgized he got to see the very ugly side of my mental illness.
he let me give him a hug.
i've done some damage there, i'm not surprised.
bret and scott both won't ever trust me again.
scott and i had a 5 month run that's typical for me.

the most significant relationships in my life (all 7 of them)
last 5-7 consecutive months in a row.
i'm the one that cannot sustain a long term relationship.
i'm the loser.
i'm the committment phobe.
i'm the disease.

went to a neighbor's 6 year old's birthday party.
she was a ballerina.
i stuffed like 6 of those spring rolls in my mouth.
damn they were good.
the mom made all these little dainty chocolates.
they are from brazil and there was all this food i've never seen before
we left after an hour cuz the whole roasted pig was stirring up my gag reflux, thank u baby!!!

i was going to drive me and the other neighbors over to next door
but they wanted to walk, but i had already pulled up the car
so i just parked it up front, in the bunny's spot
when we walked back i couldn't find my keys and i was freezing
and ready to yack from eating all those spring rolls
so i just left the car their

i went and got it this morning when i walked sophie
i'm so thankful to have a garage
the kid took my ice scraper.
i hate scraping a car.
today the kid goes back to school
and i got to be alone and broke

but i think of the little baby inside of me and smile.

He Comes Around

another visit from my naughty neighbor scott.
he gave me the maintenance information on the jeep.
i swear he loves berta like he really should love that woman he lives with, but to each his own.
we did our usual plus the anal sex for a minute.
that was different, i'm not sure i liked it, my butthole itches now.
he tried to get me off, bless his heart.
you'd think at his age he'd know how to do it a little better then that.
but considering we were standing up against the garage door you do what you can.

i think this was the last time.
the new year begins the new changes in me.
and he won't be allowed to touch me anymore.
i'll have to be mean about it.
i think if i call him a loser and a 2 pump chump he'll not want to talk to or kiss me anymore.
he rocks on the kissing.
i finished him off with a blow job.
i am going to miss his flavor.
it's like creamy with light saltiness...

scott did NOT get me the snowflake necklace.
he thinks maybe the little twin girls gave it to me,
which would be really sweet, but i haven't seen them out so i'll have to ask them when i do.
otherwise, i won't know who gave it to me and that creeps me out a wee bit.

my hip is seriously messed up.
i fell, thank you balance disorder.
and caught myself with my hip against the wall at the top of the stairs.
i've gained 4 pounds back to 199 again.
and i can only walk a bare mile everyday before my hip goes into spasms.

i'm so old, old, old, old, old.
and some people just annoy the crap out of me.
another neighbor asked what i did and i said i fell,
and she said well the bigger you get the harder you fall,
i gave her the look, but did not say, so u think i'm BIG/aka fat!
she back pedaled so fast it gave me whiplash,
then went to well when you're older,
which i gave her another look, but did not say, so u think i'm OLD!!!
i don't like her, she talks like a stoner.
she tries to be nice, but it just comes off as her thinking she's better then me.
stupid bitch!!!
pain makes me mean!!!

Post Funeral Caffiene Withdrawal

what a long long weekend.
we went to dad's thursday night so we could head to TN first thing Friday morning.
Meemaw's funeral was on Saturday.
My brother got lost because he insisted on going thru cincy instead of following dad and us through indy.
he showed up 3 hours later then we did.
he missed the turn in bowling green for 68.
every one asked him how his uncle jerry shortcut was.
he went to nashville and almost to memphis.
on the way home he followed dad, i drove sunday morning cuz he takes meds and my neice isn't a morning person.
he started talking about cutting over to cincy once we hit louisville.
i told him i wasn't driving thru cincy, if he wanted to do that i was getting back in dad's car and he was on his own.
that shut him up.
you'd think he would have learned after the way down there.

saturday was crazy.
my uncle's dog nearly killed my brother's dog.
aunt polly and my cousin jody got into it over meemaw's bible.
aunt polly had a meltdown.
i had an over zealous hugging cousin.
he hugged me so tight i heard something pop.
we went to mcdonald's and ronald was there, i hate clowns.
he got up in my face and i froze.
my dad went, bud, she hates clowns.
he went i'm not a clown.
my kid went, just back off.
and he did finally.
we sat where i couldn't see him.
you'd think if you were told someone doesn't like you you'd take the hint.
this clown was obnoxious.
i fucking hate clowns!!!!

i cried so hard at the graveside service.
just looking at the silver casket drove it home.
meemaw is with God and Jesus now.
if anybody was going to heaven it was Meemaw.
she was so strong in her faith and devotion to God.
i wish i could be more like her.
i got to make some changes.
life can be so much more then what i'm doing with it.
the preacher said if there's a wall or fridge in heaven,
he's sure Meemaw will have our pictures up on it in no time.

we went back to meemaw's and told stories and watched old videos.
it was great to see my family.
i even laughed so hard i pee'd myself a little.
of course, gab had to tell everyone.
but that's just more to laugh at.
for the most part we get along pretty good.
my aunt jenny doesn't think i'm bi-polar,
she is a professional in such matters.
my kid said stand next to her long enough and you'll catch a mood swing.
my aunt jenny admitted she hasn't been around me alot to determine it,
but she hoped i'd be okay.
i told her i take it one day at a time and exercise helps.

sunday was 11 hours in the car.
i think i did good driving my neices car.
i only got anxious over the bridge in louisville.
the other bridges i couldn't see because of the fog.
it's the thought of going off the bridge and falling into the water that freaks me out.
i just don't want that long drop into the cold water.
it's too much.

now it's back to normal.
i drank dt. pop non stop since thursday.
so it's back to no pop.
and losing the 3 pounds i've gained this past week.
i've had a headache since tuesday.
caffiene withdrawal will not help it.

the world seems duller without meemaw praying for my soul.
i love you meemaw.

for once i am wishing it was monday already

scott said monday he's coming down and staying awhile. he has frustrations to work out.
him and me both!!! i saw him alot today and it killed me not to be able to touch him.
i just wanted to stroke his goatee and kiss is bald head, but i couldn't.
his son gave me a hug and was playing with sophie the puggle.
sophie loves the kids and they were out in full force today.

i had a very boring tedious frustrating week.
the kid keeps whining about the car, she can't get the stick thing down.
she keeps stalling out, it took her a 1/2 hour to get the car into reverse.
scott is willing to switch out the manual for the jeep he has which is an automatic,
but it's more money and he wants me to pay for all the title switching.
i told the kid to drive it home wednesday and we'd talk it over.
she says she's concerned for her saftey.

thursday after work i had a drink or 10 down at the other neighbor who was always wanting to touch my boobs.
i made a pass at him, i was really agressive, the more he turned me down the more i drank.
he wouldn't even kiss me, seriously, all i got was a bible brochure for the jehovah witness'
he's trying to get right with God. that's cool.

it's not the most creative excuse i've gotten from a man turning me down for sex,
my fave was i think i'm gay, then the very next year he married another woman.
why can't guys just say i don't want to have sex with you because your fat and ugly.

i felt so rejected, i called his bluff and he didn't even nibble.
and i showed him my boobies again.
i said look at them, why did you think they looked like gum drops?
he said, well now that i see them really well they're better then gum drops.
i laughed and laughed.

i came home and puked.
i passed out for 4 hours then woke up after midnight.
i couldn't get back to sleep so i signed into work around 3AM.
by the time i went to the ob/gyn at 9 i had work almost a whole day.
so friday i took it easy and rested then worked 2 - 4.

if scott doesn't show up monday i'm going to be so pissed off.
i have to pee on a little stick every morning to see if i'm ovulating.
then i have to have sex within 24-36 hours after the stick is positive.
if i don't ovulate in a month or by my next period i have to go back to the doctor
and she's going to put me on a pill that will cause me to ovulate.
it's a fertility drug, i told her i don't want to be an octomom, just one or two is cool.
she said the chance for twins does increase, but triplets are rare.
so i hope i am still ovulating.

i bought the cutest little pair of baby booties.
they are green and yellow striped with little yellow duckies on them.
i kiss them then rub them on my belly.
i have no idea why i do that, i'm hoping it'll bring me luck.
i like the name jack samuel for a boy.
i like the name savannah colleen for a girl.
it's all on scott, he's the one that's going to knock me up, i just know it.

A Car, A Boy, and Sex

wow, thursday afternoon began a crazy weekend. scott showed up to get his money for the car.
he threw me face down on the bed, pulled my pants down, got busy, pulled my hair and choked me.
i ain't ever been taken like that and i LIKED it!!! damn!

after work i went and got the kid and her boyfriend. he's okay. of course, i'm not going to be crazy about the boy that took my daughter's virginity, but he's better then that douche she dated in high school. she's very bossy with him, but he stands up to her, which is exactly what she needs. but feeding them is expensive, not to mention she went to the doctor friday and she has bronchitis and a sinus infection, so i had to get her meds too. and he's got a cough, so i bought him cough drops and cough meds. he's going to the doctor next weekend. sophie the puggle really likes him, cuz he pets her all the time.

friday, scott came over and we went over to his best friends' house to get the title on the car. his friend and his wife seemed really nice. i didn't talk much, i just observed. he and scott have been best friends for over 15 years.
scott says he moved to ohio because his best friend did. and scott introduced his best friend to his wife when he worked with his wife. they're really close.

i wondered if they liked scott's current live in girlfriend. and if they like me or not. scott and i just talked while we were in the car. it was nice. we usually are busy fooling around and don't really talk.

i told him my kid is bossy with her boyfriend and he said she's dominant then, and i said, yes she takes after me.
he couldn't stop laughing, he said you aren't dominant, and i said i usually am the dominant one, but i'm not with you.
he is the exception to my one rule, to not be submissive to a man or let him have power over me.

he has shattered my one rule to a million pieces.

he didn't believe that i'm normally the dominant one in a relationship. if he talked to anyone i've dated in the past, except bret, he'd see different. i had such high hopes for bret being my one exception, but he was NOT dominant in the bedroom. it was a let down.

so saturday i went and got the temp tags for the car, my driver's license renewed, and my registration done. a very expensive trip, and next month to get the plates and registration on the new car is $110. my kid is always costing me money, but i love her.

we had to jump start the car because it had been sitting for a week. i put $20 of gas in it then they followed me to the dog park, because it has a huge parking lot for the kid to learn to drive the manual car in it. they let sophie play at the dog park then they practised driving. she keeps stalling it and had trouble with 3rd and 4th gear.

so i asked scott to come down and take her out for a driving lesson without the boyfriend. they were gone about an hour. he said she can do it, she just has to focus, he had her on a hill and she did fine. so he said let her drive to wal-mart with me in the car and don't say anything.

his exact words to me "get in, hold on, shut up"

i did that and the boyfriend kept talking. we almost rolled back into a car. so they did a chinese fire drill at a light. but it's progress!!!!

today they go have lunch with the boyfriend's mom, she hasn't met him yet. then they go back to campus. i told her she has to keep gas in the car. i will have my peace and quiet back by 3pm, yipee!!!!

just in time for me to sign into work!

The Internet took a nap this morning

wow, my internet went down for like 20 minutes. i was in a panic. i was thinking i forgot to pay the bill. i was going to have to drive into the office. then it just came back, after turning everything off and unplugging the cable from the wall for 30 seconds and then rebooting. i can't function without the internet. i miss it. i work from home using it three days a work. i google everything!!!! the internet has become an extremely critical piece of my life. my dad doesn't have it, so i know you can live without it, but not when you're a computer programmer, that just doesn't work!!!

friday got even worse. scott never showed or facebooked me to tell me he wasn't going to show. so i got really depressed and wee bit angry at him. i just want him to follow through. if he tells me he's coming over then come over, even if it's a minute! or at least facebook me and tell me you can't make it. he frustrates the crap out of me. i ignored him intentionally when i saw him out saturday working on his car, i wouldn't even make eye contact with him or his little bunny. i did send the kid up there to ask about when we are switching titles on the car and he said he'd come down and talk about it later. i told my kid to not hold her breath cause you can't believe a word out of his mouth. he's a liar and cheater. i know all that and i still want him to fuck me. i figure his sperm is the best shot i got at getting pregnant. he's already got 7 kids so i know he's loaded and fully able to produce a child. and he's not a bad guy, he's just a selfish irresponsible snake in the grass and aren't most men that have that many kids with 6 different women always like that. i don't want to marry him, i just want him to help me reproduce. much more fun then a sperm bank or a turkey baster

well i think my ignoring him bothered him, so he came down twice on sunday while she was home and we screwed around again. this time there was penetration though, so that's progress. he says there's things he wants to do to me that he doesn't think i'm ready for. he is rough and dominate. that's different for me. usually with sex i'm the aggressive one. so it's nice to let him be the boss. but i am breaking my one rule, letting a man have control over me or dominion so to say. but when he touches me the world exists in only one plane and there's only one thought and it's so amazing and beautiful the way i can just feel him in me and on me. like heaven!!! and he smells so good and tastes wonderful. i want to lick every hairy inch of his sexy beastness. but i digress.

the car switch over takes place saturday nov. 12th. he's worried if the kid wrecks the car i won't give him the rest of the money on dec. 16th. he's really been screwed over in the past by some women and i'm sure he's done his fair share of screwing women over too. i told him that wouldn't be his fault and i'd pay the rest of the money even if she wrecked it. i am a woman of my word!!!

I hate to wait

so i'm home working this afternoon waiting on fed ex to deliver my new ipod with the fitness application.
i'm so anxious. i was so worried that since it shipped to the wrong place i'd never get it.
but luckily they rerouted before the first delivery attempt and now it is on its way to me!!!

i'm not a patient person.
i hate to wait.
i tie myself up in a ball of anxious energy.

once the ipod arrives that is one less thing for me to be waiting on.

the naughty neighbor, scott, has my undivided attention at the moment.
i am waiting on him, he said soon, is that tomorrow, or friday.
it's usually fridays, it was this past friday.

we were talking about the car and then somehow we ended up on the living room floor with me riding him.
how come i'm the only one that ends up naked?
we dry humped, how high school is that!
then we went into the 1/2 bath where he reached climax during a titty fuck.
i have yet to get off.
this is a very lop sided sexual relationship thus far.
it's been going on since the beginning of august, so for three months now, he's managed to keep me hanging on.
we've done oral sex, titty fucks, made out, he gave me hickey's, he's come on me multiple times,
but alas, i have not come once, he's not pentrated me once, or ate me out once.
what the hell am i doing here?

when he touches me my mind shuts off, it's like heaven,
i go from a million spinning thoughts to none.
he's like a drug, and i'm so addicted.
i'm not ashamed,
i think i'm sexually frustrated, so i asked him when and he said soon.
oh, i do hope i'm not disappointed.
there's so much hype here with our sexual chemistry.

Migraine Free Friday

woke up migraine free and slept thru the night as well. this has been a good friday for me.
picked the kid and one of her friends up from college so she could go to the doctor.
it's a lot of driving, so i saw scott was home and stopped up to see if the kid could take a look at his car that he's selling.
i don't want to shell out the money and she not want it.
he was all scruffy, i was like focus focus, not on the sex, but on the car, so hard.
he was tired cuz he had to drive a truck last night and he's been up over 24 hours straight.
i told him i had done nearly 48 hours with no sleep this past week so i feel for him.
he showed the kid the car and she likes it.
she has to practice driving a stick down at college on this boy's truck.
i told him i could buy it by the end of the year.
i have to save up the money.
it's not a lot, but it's a lot to come up with at one time.

i'm going to haul the kids back to college then i'm coming home and relaxing!!!
happy friday every one!

i got a brand new car, so shove ur roller skates up ur pie hole

okay, the car is a 2010 ford focus, and i was never good at roller skating, but i do love the brand new key song by melanie, i got a pair of roller skates and you got a brand new key!

but now i have a car payment, it's steep, cuz my credit sucks, and my tax money is gone, so i'm broke too, plus my car insurance went up cuz i got to carry more of it, since i owe on the car.

but the upside, it's wonderful. it's quiet, it's not falling apart, gab get her license with it. it's got all kinds of buttons. i can plug in my ipod to it, it gets excellent gas mileage. yep, i think i did pretty good.

now i can't afford the diet anymore, so i'm going to have to drop out of that and continue my weight loss goals on my own. i just have to limit my calories to around 1600 and i will lose approx. 1-2 pounds a week. it'll be slower, but healthy to do on my own.

plus, i am exercising on the very disrespectful wii. yes, i am unbalanced, why do u think i'm doing the balance exercises! duh!
but turns out in the yoga, i'm an excellent deep breather. yay me!

tax time

got my taxes filed. get back money at federal and state, but owe city :(
but i will have a huge down payment for a new(er) car. poor betty, is on her last legs. she's 15 years old, has almost 280,000 miles on her and can't go in park anymore. she needs a new windshield, brakes in the back, whatever is wrong with the car not able to go into park, she's leaking oil and transmission fluid. i think it's safe to say betty is ready to retire!!!

i'm going to have a car payment for the first time since 2004!!! that will be an adjustment, plus i'll have to up my insurance from collision only to comprehensive. my kid will be driving the new(er) car, so it's going to need all the coverage it can get! but it's going to be nice to have a new(er) set of wheels. it takes me 2 hours to see my family. that's 100 miles one way!

here's hoping my new(er) car is as reliable as betty has been!!