Breaking Up Hurts

well, it is over!
and this one hurt, i cried, i still might cry.
and i'm so confused.
i don't understand why he broke it off.

we had moved passed the whole facebook of his ex-wife debacle.
we had moved passed my panic attack regarding him not communicating with me.
but my working with his best friend's brother is a deal breaker?

he says it's more drama and he's done with the drama.

life is drama!

it started out yesterday as a good day.
we were flirting.
it was good.
i go to lunch with the guys at work.
i'm talking about him like i have the past 4 months.
a co-worker goes which tire place does he work at,
i say the one near my house, he goes, so it's B.
and i said yeah, you know him.
and he said my brother and him are best buds.

so i text b. thinking my co-worker is pulling my leg
and my boyfriend goes to this...
wtf? are you stalking me and my friends now on line
just stop, etc....

i said no, i work with his brother.

do i get an apology, NO, i get, i guess i have trust issues.

so i say we both do and by the way,
does your best friend have video or pictures of me.

i know he shared some of them with his best friend and i was okay with that until i found out i work with his best friend's brother.

then my boyfriend wants to know everything i've said about him in the past 4 months to my co-worker, like i can remember?!?

my co-worker had texted his brother, what about i don't know, and his brother texted my boyfriend about it, and my boyfriend texted me and said it was too much drama and we were done.

yup, this is my life..

is this not the stupidest thing ever?

Angels Talking

last night i had a dream angels were talking about me and him
everywhere i turned there were these beautiful winged angels whispering
and turning their heads away when i tried to meet their gaze.
what do dreams like these mean?

the neighbor that sold me the jeep and i used to sleep with went to the store
where my new lover works to complain about some work they did on his new car
he saw the jeep being worked on up on the rack
and asked why it was there
my lover said because it needs work done
the neighbor asked what work
and my lover told him the ball joints are going bad
and the neighbor lied and told him that he had told me they were going bad when he sold it to me.
wow, that's a huge lie.
he said the jeep was in good shape with no major work needing to be done.
my lover told me he could tell the neighbor was lying to him
the neighbor said it must be going bad because of how i'm driving it
my lover stated that my kid drives it
the neighbor got a look on his face like how do you know so much
then my lover said, don't worry i'm taking good care of her
then it dawned on the neighbor that he was now talking to my new lover

it's a small world after all!

i saw that neighbor today on his new motorcycle taking his kid for a ride
i find it funny that he worries about what's going on with his old car
but doesn't give a shit about the woman he used to fuck
he would tell me i was the hottest and wettest and he thought about me all the time.
my new lover tells me the same thing.
i wonder if he's lying to me like the neighbor did.
once burnt twice shy!

what would the angels say if they could talk to me today?
i could only understand my name and his in my dream.
i couldn't hear what else the angels were saying.
maybe the dream was me reminding myself of my fear of this man
being like the last man.

help, i have done it again.
i have been here many times before.
i pick the men that hurt me again and again.
and i can only blame me!

Tummy Troubles

it's been rough since sunday.
my stomach does NOT agree with anything i do.
i belch, fart, get constipated, bloated, the runs, and just pain!
i didn't know gas could hurt so damn much.
i was popping gas x like vicoden at work so i wouldn't produce a methane cloud in my cubicle.
i don't know what i did or ate to start it.
sunday morning it was just killing me.
i couldn't poop to save my life.

so i popped some laxative.
and i still couldn't poop.
so i popped some more laxative.
then i couldn't stop pooping on monday.

the gas was so bad even the dog had to come up for air.
i smell and it lingers on my clothes.
this is just awful.
i know everybody poops, but is it so bad i want to do it on my usual schedule.

i know this is totally gross and way too much information,
but my tummy troubles are dominating my life.
i can't stay far from the bathroom.
i've gained 7 pounds.
and i'm not eating or drinking anything different.
i think i might have to fast friday and saturday to purge my system.

this sucks and stinks!

i eat the same stuff every day.
i drink the same stuff every day.
i might have to break down and get some of that activia crap.
i hate yogurt, but i saw they had it in drinks.
i might be able to suppress my gag reflex long enough to get that down.

He Comes Around

another visit from my naughty neighbor scott.
he gave me the maintenance information on the jeep.
i swear he loves berta like he really should love that woman he lives with, but to each his own.
we did our usual plus the anal sex for a minute.
that was different, i'm not sure i liked it, my butthole itches now.
he tried to get me off, bless his heart.
you'd think at his age he'd know how to do it a little better then that.
but considering we were standing up against the garage door you do what you can.

i think this was the last time.
the new year begins the new changes in me.
and he won't be allowed to touch me anymore.
i'll have to be mean about it.
i think if i call him a loser and a 2 pump chump he'll not want to talk to or kiss me anymore.
he rocks on the kissing.
i finished him off with a blow job.
i am going to miss his flavor.
it's like creamy with light saltiness...

scott did NOT get me the snowflake necklace.
he thinks maybe the little twin girls gave it to me,
which would be really sweet, but i haven't seen them out so i'll have to ask them when i do.
otherwise, i won't know who gave it to me and that creeps me out a wee bit.

my hip is seriously messed up.
i fell, thank you balance disorder.
and caught myself with my hip against the wall at the top of the stairs.
i've gained 4 pounds back to 199 again.
and i can only walk a bare mile everyday before my hip goes into spasms.

i'm so old, old, old, old, old.
and some people just annoy the crap out of me.
another neighbor asked what i did and i said i fell,
and she said well the bigger you get the harder you fall,
i gave her the look, but did not say, so u think i'm BIG/aka fat!
she back pedaled so fast it gave me whiplash,
then went to well when you're older,
which i gave her another look, but did not say, so u think i'm OLD!!!
i don't like her, she talks like a stoner.
she tries to be nice, but it just comes off as her thinking she's better then me.
stupid bitch!!!
pain makes me mean!!!

cut the ties that bind and gag

yesterday, i unfriended my "friend". he came to my town and didn't call or stop by, even tho i have x-mas gifts for him in my closet and he knows this. i called to check on him, and he said, oh, i'm here in town, can i call you back i'm visiting someone!!! he called back and instead of saying, hey let me swing by, grab the stuff, say hi, he said i'm on my way home!!! it really hurt me! Am i over reacting???
Cuz i do that sometimes!

but he's the one that wanted to still be friends. and he tells me he's just meeting with lawyers and heading home, that he'd probably be on the road before i got home from work. i waited until 7 to call him and he was still in town!!! he called back around 8. i know it's late, but 15 minutes, seriously. i am going to back up what i can and ship it to him. i've just been hurt enough!!!

ugh, i tripped last night

this sucks, i tripped over a shoe the dog had dragged out to the middle of the entry way by the stairs. now on top of my scabbed knee, my ankle and foot are all messed up. i caught myself against the front door, but it was close. i almost went thru the front window we have. that would have been messy.

i go to the doctor on the 9th and i got to ask her why i keep tripping, falling, and have no sense of balance. my right ear bothers me sometimes, it rings and i feel like it's being pushed on from inside my skull, loads of pressure and the dizziness comes and goes. i don't throw up or feel like i'm going to throw. i just get really panicked and i try to stay still until it passes. luckily "the dizzy spells" only last a few minutes, but they are getting more frequent and severe.

maybe it's my sinus' or an ear infection. something easy to fix. that would be lovely if i could actually just for once have something easy to fix.

i stubbed my freaking toe!!!

so i'm healing from falling onto the patio and today i stub my freaking toe. what the hell?

do i need to learn to walk again or something?

i am falling over for no reason.
i can't walk a straight line.
i FORGOT how to ride a bike!!!! (seriously)

and now i keep walking into the damn furniture.

i think i ate a brain tumor for breakfast!~

the woes of being a woman

another day of severe cramping and bleeding for naught. i'm not having another child ever, so i just bide my sweet time until menopause. how i envy women that don't have periods. my brain has been so fuddled i drove right past my exit yesterday. i didn't realize it until i saw home depot, which is right after my exit. i had lost all sense of where i was in the drive. i had to turn around and come back to it.
i hate when i space out while i'm driving. it's like i turn into a car zombie or go on automatic pilot.

my lower back has been throbbing and knotted lately. it aches and hurts and i really am getting aggravated over it. i've been using icy hot, taking over the counter stuff for it, but nothing seems to work. i know i just twisted it or strained it somehow. i think if i could lose some weight and get my bones and muscles some relief from all this hideous fat on me, then just maybe i wouldn't hurt so much.

my shoulder hurts so bad sometimes that i am tempted to take a knife and cut where the pain is, it's pressure and burning and just feels like my muscle is tied up in a knot. i know logically if i cut my shoulder with a knife not only will i still have the original pain, but there will be new pain, blood, and loads of questions about my mental health, but the temptation remains.

i've avoided asking the doctor for meds to help. i hate popping pills. but i think i've hit a full fledge flair up and if it's between slicing and dicing myself when i'm wracked with pain or taking a muscle relaxer, the pill wins. this makes me sad. i've been prescription free for over two years now, but this is the worst i've hurt in a very long time.

i guess we'll see what the doctor says when i go.