i'm having the worst and weirdest dreams of my life.
i'm not sleeping well at all.
today i have the worst sinus headache ever.
last night i dreamed my cell phone rang and it showed it was my dad.
i pick it up and say hi dad.
then a woman begins to yell at me.
what r u doing with him?
you'll never keep a man if you keep giving them what they want.
i'm like who is this.
this is your mother.
i'm like but your dead.
seriously who is this and where's my dad.
she yells at me, just because i'm dead doesn't give you the right to not listen to me anymore.
i raised you to be better then how you're behaving.
if you'd taken my advice you'd be married and have a couple of kids.
what kind of example are you setting for my granddaughter.
then she hangs up.
i call back, it rings for forever then goes to a machine.
i call back a couple more times same thing.
so i call my brother who lives nearby.
i told him some crazy lady is in dad's house pretending to be our mother.
you need to go check on dad.
my brother says she called me too.
so he heads over to dad's house while i call my brother who is out of state
and he says the same nut job called to yell at him too.
my brother who went to check on my dad calls me.
tells me he found dad unconscious on the floor with the phone in his hand.
so i rush home.
dad is in the hospital he had a heart attack.
can this dream get any worse at this point!
we tell the police about the phone calls from the woman calling herself our mom.
they pull the phone records.
they happened right around the time of dad's heart attack.
we go into to see dad, he's in critical condition.
he's conscious but barely.
we ask him who the crazy lady was and if she attacked him.
he said it was your mom, she made me dial the phone so she could talk to you guys once more.
and boy she was pissed.
then he dies!
i wake up crying...
i really need to find out why i'm having these dreams.
the new guy sexually satisfies me.
i have no complaints there.
but his time is limited.
it's just sex.
so i think i know this too will blow up in my face.
my dreams are just trying to tell me that.
i just wish i'd frappin' ovulate so he could get me pregnant.
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Angels Talking
last night i had a dream angels were talking about me and him
everywhere i turned there were these beautiful winged angels whispering
and turning their heads away when i tried to meet their gaze.
what do dreams like these mean?
the neighbor that sold me the jeep and i used to sleep with went to the store
where my new lover works to complain about some work they did on his new car
he saw the jeep being worked on up on the rack
and asked why it was there
my lover said because it needs work done
the neighbor asked what work
and my lover told him the ball joints are going bad
and the neighbor lied and told him that he had told me they were going bad when he sold it to me.
wow, that's a huge lie.
he said the jeep was in good shape with no major work needing to be done.
my lover told me he could tell the neighbor was lying to him
the neighbor said it must be going bad because of how i'm driving it
my lover stated that my kid drives it
the neighbor got a look on his face like how do you know so much
then my lover said, don't worry i'm taking good care of her
then it dawned on the neighbor that he was now talking to my new lover
it's a small world after all!
i saw that neighbor today on his new motorcycle taking his kid for a ride
i find it funny that he worries about what's going on with his old car
but doesn't give a shit about the woman he used to fuck
he would tell me i was the hottest and wettest and he thought about me all the time.
my new lover tells me the same thing.
i wonder if he's lying to me like the neighbor did.
once burnt twice shy!
what would the angels say if they could talk to me today?
i could only understand my name and his in my dream.
i couldn't hear what else the angels were saying.
maybe the dream was me reminding myself of my fear of this man
being like the last man.
help, i have done it again.
i have been here many times before.
i pick the men that hurt me again and again.
and i can only blame me!
everywhere i turned there were these beautiful winged angels whispering
and turning their heads away when i tried to meet their gaze.
what do dreams like these mean?
the neighbor that sold me the jeep and i used to sleep with went to the store
where my new lover works to complain about some work they did on his new car
he saw the jeep being worked on up on the rack
and asked why it was there
my lover said because it needs work done
the neighbor asked what work
and my lover told him the ball joints are going bad
and the neighbor lied and told him that he had told me they were going bad when he sold it to me.
wow, that's a huge lie.
he said the jeep was in good shape with no major work needing to be done.
my lover told me he could tell the neighbor was lying to him
the neighbor said it must be going bad because of how i'm driving it
my lover stated that my kid drives it
the neighbor got a look on his face like how do you know so much
then my lover said, don't worry i'm taking good care of her
then it dawned on the neighbor that he was now talking to my new lover
it's a small world after all!
i saw that neighbor today on his new motorcycle taking his kid for a ride
i find it funny that he worries about what's going on with his old car
but doesn't give a shit about the woman he used to fuck
he would tell me i was the hottest and wettest and he thought about me all the time.
my new lover tells me the same thing.
i wonder if he's lying to me like the neighbor did.
once burnt twice shy!
what would the angels say if they could talk to me today?
i could only understand my name and his in my dream.
i couldn't hear what else the angels were saying.
maybe the dream was me reminding myself of my fear of this man
being like the last man.
help, i have done it again.
i have been here many times before.
i pick the men that hurt me again and again.
and i can only blame me!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Depression makes me fat
i've gained nearly 7 pounds since last week when i lost the baby.
i've fallen into a crippling depression.
i'm always going to bed.
if i'm not in bed i'm eating.
i eat everything and anything.
i'm not even hungry.
it is like i'm trying to fill up the emptiness inside of me.
physically i feel better.
all the yucky bleeding and cramping has stopped.
next week i go to the doctor to see if it is all okay
and to find out when i can start to try to get pregnant again.
but emotionally i'm a wreck.
i know this is a deep depression.
i've been through this before several times.
i don't want to go back on medications to get out of this.
if i'm on meds i can't try to get pregnant.
i didn't realize how much i wanted another baby until i found out i was pregnant.
and now that i've lost the baby all i want is to try again.
i really need to focus on having a baby.
i need to find my motivation again.
i've been kicked down but i can't stay down.
this is my pep talk to myself.
pull yourself up shannon irene and get back on that horse.
you are pretty.
you are smart.
you are awesome.
you know all 3 men (excluding my father) have told me i'm pretty my whole life.
the kid's dad, my ex-fiance brian and scott.
bret told me that there's was nothing about me, face or body that would make him look twice.
it was because he remembered me and my personality from high school that he started talking to me.
he said i was such a happy go lucky person when we were in high school.
that was such a long time ago.
like scott said, we are only small pieces of the people we used to be.
my demons have eaten a huge amount of the happiness i used to have.
happiness, we are guaranteed the pursuit of it in the u.s. constitution
and this nation pursues happiness with a vengance,
but we are more depressed, medicated and fatter then ever.
i think we are all failing on a huge scale to keep the happiness we find.
i bet alot of people are like me.
i think i know what makes me happy so i go after it, get it,
and it either bores me, or it wasn't what i had thought it would be.
then i'm not happy anymore.
i think we are a nation of discontents.
we are all children running around in a candy store.
or a bunch of bulls running loose in a china shop.
i can't carry happiness when i'm being crushed by my infinite sadness.
i want to be happy, but i want to be happy all the time.
and nothing is 100% all the time on.
it hurts to know that scott will reject me again and again.
it hurts to know that i'm never going to be me again.
but i have to go forward because going back is never an option.
i've fallen into a crippling depression.
i'm always going to bed.
if i'm not in bed i'm eating.
i eat everything and anything.
i'm not even hungry.
it is like i'm trying to fill up the emptiness inside of me.
physically i feel better.
all the yucky bleeding and cramping has stopped.
next week i go to the doctor to see if it is all okay
and to find out when i can start to try to get pregnant again.
but emotionally i'm a wreck.
i know this is a deep depression.
i've been through this before several times.
i don't want to go back on medications to get out of this.
if i'm on meds i can't try to get pregnant.
i didn't realize how much i wanted another baby until i found out i was pregnant.
and now that i've lost the baby all i want is to try again.
i really need to focus on having a baby.
i need to find my motivation again.
i've been kicked down but i can't stay down.
this is my pep talk to myself.
pull yourself up shannon irene and get back on that horse.
you are pretty.
you are smart.
you are awesome.
you know all 3 men (excluding my father) have told me i'm pretty my whole life.
the kid's dad, my ex-fiance brian and scott.
bret told me that there's was nothing about me, face or body that would make him look twice.
it was because he remembered me and my personality from high school that he started talking to me.
he said i was such a happy go lucky person when we were in high school.
that was such a long time ago.
like scott said, we are only small pieces of the people we used to be.
my demons have eaten a huge amount of the happiness i used to have.
happiness, we are guaranteed the pursuit of it in the u.s. constitution
and this nation pursues happiness with a vengance,
but we are more depressed, medicated and fatter then ever.
i think we are all failing on a huge scale to keep the happiness we find.
i bet alot of people are like me.
i think i know what makes me happy so i go after it, get it,
and it either bores me, or it wasn't what i had thought it would be.
then i'm not happy anymore.
i think we are a nation of discontents.
we are all children running around in a candy store.
or a bunch of bulls running loose in a china shop.
i can't carry happiness when i'm being crushed by my infinite sadness.
i want to be happy, but i want to be happy all the time.
and nothing is 100% all the time on.
it hurts to know that scott will reject me again and again.
it hurts to know that i'm never going to be me again.
but i have to go forward because going back is never an option.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
I've Lost my enthusiasm
scott stopped by last night to return the remote control.
he said he got the car to work and didn't need my garage because there had been a nice day while i was gone.
he started the whole dry humping, kissing, grabbing me crap.
i've lost my enthusiasm for the whole situation.
now i just got to figure out how to blow him off.
i was not responsive last night and he seemed disappointed.
but that's his problem and not mine.
he's laid off from work until jan so he's driving semi's locally.
i imagine i'll see him soon.
and then i'll cut ties.
it's all gotten very boring to me.
he's boring to me.
i think i'm depressed.
i go to bed at 6pm.
sophie has been having accidents in the house.
i think it is because the kid doesn't let her out when i go to bed so early.
i feel like a loser, a failure, and a disappointment.
i can't do anything right lately.
i just want to curl up into a ball in my bed and never leave it.
i guess this will pass.
i'm working to get back into my schedule.
i worked out on the wii this morning.
i'm back to 195.
and i expected just to break even this month.
so if i don't gain anything between now and the end of the year i'll be set.
jan. i have tweak my workout and diet.
i need to weed out what has failed me.
i can't do any kind of ice cream, even light or less fat.
i just eat too much of it.
i got 30 more pounds to lose.
i know i can do it.
i just got to get my ass out of this depression.
hopefully, without medication this time.
he said he got the car to work and didn't need my garage because there had been a nice day while i was gone.
he started the whole dry humping, kissing, grabbing me crap.
i've lost my enthusiasm for the whole situation.
now i just got to figure out how to blow him off.
i was not responsive last night and he seemed disappointed.
but that's his problem and not mine.
he's laid off from work until jan so he's driving semi's locally.
i imagine i'll see him soon.
and then i'll cut ties.
it's all gotten very boring to me.
he's boring to me.
i think i'm depressed.
i go to bed at 6pm.
sophie has been having accidents in the house.
i think it is because the kid doesn't let her out when i go to bed so early.
i feel like a loser, a failure, and a disappointment.
i can't do anything right lately.
i just want to curl up into a ball in my bed and never leave it.
i guess this will pass.
i'm working to get back into my schedule.
i worked out on the wii this morning.
i'm back to 195.
and i expected just to break even this month.
so if i don't gain anything between now and the end of the year i'll be set.
jan. i have tweak my workout and diet.
i need to weed out what has failed me.
i can't do any kind of ice cream, even light or less fat.
i just eat too much of it.
i got 30 more pounds to lose.
i know i can do it.
i just got to get my ass out of this depression.
hopefully, without medication this time.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Die Monday Die!!!
today sucked!!! this monday was nothing but disappointment, bad news, problems, errors, and just bullshit!!!
bret's court date got cancelled, so i won't see him this week at all :(
he sounded super bummed too, he really just wants to get back to living his life with him and his daughter,
his custody battle has been going on since jan.
no wonder people take justice into their own hands, our court system moves way too slow!!!
i was so looking forward to seeing him and getting laid!
i'm selfish i know.
i want him to get what he wants too.
i still care about him alot and i only want goodness and happiness in his life.
i have to work saturday, so i can't go to my baby cousins 5th birthday party again.
my jewish co-worker seems to only be jewish when she gets the day off.
it is her turn to work the weekend, but it's the holiest of holy days for the jewish faith and there's no work.
lovely! i have to work christian holidays if that's what is required of my job.
i'm sick of having to work around her religon, she doesn't work around mine!
she eats bacon for God's sake!!!
and didn't even know if the kid she adopted was automatically jewish or had to be converted!
work is frustrating to me right now.
that is what happens when everything is due all at the same time!
then there's jackie, the perv neighbor that keeps wanting to touch my boobies.
i was all wound up friday thinking scott (the naughty neighbor) and i were finally going to have sex
and i flashed jackie, i had on no bra.
he said my boobs looked like GUM DROPS!!!
then he wanted me to show them to his roommate and kept talking about them to his roommate.
his roommate says he's never heard him talk about boobies like that before.
i know i can't keep a secret, but i thought a man could, sheesh!
he's cut off!!!!
so scott (the naughty neighbor) shows up thursday, we have our usual make out, grab ass fest,
then he says he's coming down friday to fuck me hard.
he doesn't show...AGAIN!!!
so sick of that man getting me all wound up and then nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch!!!!
he tells me sunday that he had to work late.
i was like it happens.
i really don't care anymore.
the next time he comes around i'm just going to go NO, sorry, not interested.
unless he touches me then i cannot tell him no.
damn it!!!
i need to pull my head out my ass and start seriously applying myself to finding a long term exclusive relationship with a good man.
easy right!!!
bret's court date got cancelled, so i won't see him this week at all :(
he sounded super bummed too, he really just wants to get back to living his life with him and his daughter,
his custody battle has been going on since jan.
no wonder people take justice into their own hands, our court system moves way too slow!!!
i was so looking forward to seeing him and getting laid!
i'm selfish i know.
i want him to get what he wants too.
i still care about him alot and i only want goodness and happiness in his life.
i have to work saturday, so i can't go to my baby cousins 5th birthday party again.
my jewish co-worker seems to only be jewish when she gets the day off.
it is her turn to work the weekend, but it's the holiest of holy days for the jewish faith and there's no work.
lovely! i have to work christian holidays if that's what is required of my job.
i'm sick of having to work around her religon, she doesn't work around mine!
she eats bacon for God's sake!!!
and didn't even know if the kid she adopted was automatically jewish or had to be converted!
work is frustrating to me right now.
that is what happens when everything is due all at the same time!
then there's jackie, the perv neighbor that keeps wanting to touch my boobies.
i was all wound up friday thinking scott (the naughty neighbor) and i were finally going to have sex
and i flashed jackie, i had on no bra.
he said my boobs looked like GUM DROPS!!!
then he wanted me to show them to his roommate and kept talking about them to his roommate.
his roommate says he's never heard him talk about boobies like that before.
i know i can't keep a secret, but i thought a man could, sheesh!
he's cut off!!!!
so scott (the naughty neighbor) shows up thursday, we have our usual make out, grab ass fest,
then he says he's coming down friday to fuck me hard.
he doesn't show...AGAIN!!!
so sick of that man getting me all wound up and then nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch!!!!
he tells me sunday that he had to work late.
i was like it happens.
i really don't care anymore.
the next time he comes around i'm just going to go NO, sorry, not interested.
unless he touches me then i cannot tell him no.
damn it!!!
i need to pull my head out my ass and start seriously applying myself to finding a long term exclusive relationship with a good man.
easy right!!!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
The Dog Poop incident
This apartment complex constantly reminds me why I no longer want any children!
Yesterday, I'm doing my laps. I do lap one with no problems. I am doing a lap in less then 3 minutes. I round the corner of lap two and I see Butter the dog with one of his little child owners running away from some bushes in front of the apartments ahead of me. I'm thinking great, the kid let the dog crap in the bushes. But that's not a huge deal, I've never seen either child (there are 2) walking that dog ever carry a bag to pick up the poop -- NEVER!!!
So I'm walking along, and a different child waves to me and starts talking, so I slow down and take my ear bud out and turn my head so I can hear what she is saying and I step in fresh dog poop!!! I nearly fall!!! I am annoyed!! I go wash my shoe off and i flag the apartment manager down and show her the poop, we can be fined for not picking it up. I tell her it was Butter, the little girl pipes in that she saw it too and DJ was walking Butter.
So the apt. manager goes and talks to the kid and his Dad. I'm standing by the poop, which is now EVERYWHERE, so the kid knows where to clean it up. I even get him a bag and some paper towels. He comes around the corner and says I don't see it and walks off!!! Little Fucker!!!
So I tell the apt. manager he didn't clean it up. So now she has to call his Mom. I see him and say, go clean up your dog's poop. he won't look at me but he says my dog didn't do that. I tell him, I saw you and your dog there right before I stepped in it. I KNOW it was YOUR DOG!!! And he looks at the ground and says NO it wasn't. I tell him to stop lying and just go pick it up. He runs off with all his little friends. Now I am PISSED OFF!!!
So the apt manager threatens to fine his family $50 and he goes 1/2 assed cleans it up (he's like 8-9 years old) and then he fails to get the bag and paper towels in the dumpster. At this point I am so frustrated and disappointed in the whole situation that I go in to really really clean my shoe, cuz it's even on the top part of it. And my shoes are fairly new and they were expensive!!! I didn't even get a mile walk in.
Now I'm just going to walk while the kids are at school. When they are here I'll go to the dark park or next door where people actually WATCH their kids and not let them run WILD!!! I swear, it is like fucking Lord of the Flies over here at times. They don't get out of the way when a car comes. They get into your stuff. They walk right into your garage if the door is open. I'm DONE!!!
I'm going to start looking around to see if I can find a house to rent or lease to own or something. I'm so fucking sick of neighbor kids!!!
On the upside, this morning I went to the doctor and lost 8 more pounds!!!
Yesterday, I'm doing my laps. I do lap one with no problems. I am doing a lap in less then 3 minutes. I round the corner of lap two and I see Butter the dog with one of his little child owners running away from some bushes in front of the apartments ahead of me. I'm thinking great, the kid let the dog crap in the bushes. But that's not a huge deal, I've never seen either child (there are 2) walking that dog ever carry a bag to pick up the poop -- NEVER!!!
So I'm walking along, and a different child waves to me and starts talking, so I slow down and take my ear bud out and turn my head so I can hear what she is saying and I step in fresh dog poop!!! I nearly fall!!! I am annoyed!! I go wash my shoe off and i flag the apartment manager down and show her the poop, we can be fined for not picking it up. I tell her it was Butter, the little girl pipes in that she saw it too and DJ was walking Butter.
So the apt. manager goes and talks to the kid and his Dad. I'm standing by the poop, which is now EVERYWHERE, so the kid knows where to clean it up. I even get him a bag and some paper towels. He comes around the corner and says I don't see it and walks off!!! Little Fucker!!!
So I tell the apt. manager he didn't clean it up. So now she has to call his Mom. I see him and say, go clean up your dog's poop. he won't look at me but he says my dog didn't do that. I tell him, I saw you and your dog there right before I stepped in it. I KNOW it was YOUR DOG!!! And he looks at the ground and says NO it wasn't. I tell him to stop lying and just go pick it up. He runs off with all his little friends. Now I am PISSED OFF!!!
So the apt manager threatens to fine his family $50 and he goes 1/2 assed cleans it up (he's like 8-9 years old) and then he fails to get the bag and paper towels in the dumpster. At this point I am so frustrated and disappointed in the whole situation that I go in to really really clean my shoe, cuz it's even on the top part of it. And my shoes are fairly new and they were expensive!!! I didn't even get a mile walk in.
Now I'm just going to walk while the kids are at school. When they are here I'll go to the dark park or next door where people actually WATCH their kids and not let them run WILD!!! I swear, it is like fucking Lord of the Flies over here at times. They don't get out of the way when a car comes. They get into your stuff. They walk right into your garage if the door is open. I'm DONE!!!
I'm going to start looking around to see if I can find a house to rent or lease to own or something. I'm so fucking sick of neighbor kids!!!
On the upside, this morning I went to the doctor and lost 8 more pounds!!!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
cut the ties that bind and gag
yesterday, i unfriended my "friend". he came to my town and didn't call or stop by, even tho i have x-mas gifts for him in my closet and he knows this. i called to check on him, and he said, oh, i'm here in town, can i call you back i'm visiting someone!!! he called back and instead of saying, hey let me swing by, grab the stuff, say hi, he said i'm on my way home!!! it really hurt me! Am i over reacting???
Cuz i do that sometimes!
but he's the one that wanted to still be friends. and he tells me he's just meeting with lawyers and heading home, that he'd probably be on the road before i got home from work. i waited until 7 to call him and he was still in town!!! he called back around 8. i know it's late, but 15 minutes, seriously. i am going to back up what i can and ship it to him. i've just been hurt enough!!!
Cuz i do that sometimes!
but he's the one that wanted to still be friends. and he tells me he's just meeting with lawyers and heading home, that he'd probably be on the road before i got home from work. i waited until 7 to call him and he was still in town!!! he called back around 8. i know it's late, but 15 minutes, seriously. i am going to back up what i can and ship it to him. i've just been hurt enough!!!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
christmas is disappointment
well, i'm spending christmas eve without the man i adore. he's on call at work christmas eve and day for snow removal. and he has to report to work an hour after being called and i live 3 hours away. so he just can't come to visit. so much for playing naughty santa. it just totally takes the cheer out of my christmas spirit.
my kid works noon - 4 tomorrow. and christmas day we are supposed to be buried in snow, so no driving 2 hours to visit family. the car can barely handle driving back and forth to work. wow, christmas is going to suck. which is so sad.
christmas is all about disappointment. first when you are a kid and you rip open all your presents totally excited until they are all open and you didn't get a damn thing you wanted! And then when you get a little older and you find out santa isn't real, what a disappointment. then when you become an adult and you make all these plans and they fall through or you can't afford to buy any christmas presents, major disappointments. Christmas is and always has been tied to disappointment!
i miss my mom now more then ever. this was her favorite time of year. i can't believe that 15 years ago this was her last christmas. today is my nephew's 15th birthday. mom went to see him in virginia and a month later she died. she'd be so proud of him and all her grandchildren. my mom was truly a person that lived for others, especially her grandchildren.
merry christmas and happy new year. i'm already disappointed so there's not much more depressed i can get at this point.
my kid works noon - 4 tomorrow. and christmas day we are supposed to be buried in snow, so no driving 2 hours to visit family. the car can barely handle driving back and forth to work. wow, christmas is going to suck. which is so sad.
christmas is all about disappointment. first when you are a kid and you rip open all your presents totally excited until they are all open and you didn't get a damn thing you wanted! And then when you get a little older and you find out santa isn't real, what a disappointment. then when you become an adult and you make all these plans and they fall through or you can't afford to buy any christmas presents, major disappointments. Christmas is and always has been tied to disappointment!
i miss my mom now more then ever. this was her favorite time of year. i can't believe that 15 years ago this was her last christmas. today is my nephew's 15th birthday. mom went to see him in virginia and a month later she died. she'd be so proud of him and all her grandchildren. my mom was truly a person that lived for others, especially her grandchildren.
merry christmas and happy new year. i'm already disappointed so there's not much more depressed i can get at this point.
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