More Strange Dreams

i'm having the worst and weirdest dreams of my life.
i'm not sleeping well at all.
today i have the worst sinus headache ever.

last night i dreamed my cell phone rang and it showed it was my dad.
i pick it up and say hi dad.
then a woman begins to yell at me.
what r u doing with him?
you'll never keep a man if you keep giving them what they want.

i'm like who is this.
this is your mother.
i'm like but your dead.
seriously who is this and where's my dad.
she yells at me, just because i'm dead doesn't give you the right to not listen to me anymore.
i raised you to be better then how you're behaving.
if you'd taken my advice you'd be married and have a couple of kids.
what kind of example are you setting for my granddaughter.

then she hangs up.

i call back, it rings for forever then goes to a machine.
i call back a couple more times same thing.
so i call my brother who lives nearby.
i told him some crazy lady is in dad's house pretending to be our mother.
you need to go check on dad.
my brother says she called me too.
so he heads over to dad's house while i call my brother who is out of state
and he says the same nut job called to yell at him too.

my brother who went to check on my dad calls me.
tells me he found dad unconscious on the floor with the phone in his hand.
so i rush home.
dad is in the hospital he had a heart attack.
can this dream get any worse at this point!

we tell the police about the phone calls from the woman calling herself our mom.
they pull the phone records.
they happened right around the time of dad's heart attack.
we go into to see dad, he's in critical condition.
he's conscious but barely.
we ask him who the crazy lady was and if she attacked him.
he said it was your mom, she made me dial the phone so she could talk to you guys once more.
and boy she was pissed.
then he dies!

i wake up crying...
i really need to find out why i'm having these dreams.

the new guy sexually satisfies me.
i have no complaints there.
but his time is limited.
it's just sex.
so i think i know this too will blow up in my face.
my dreams are just trying to tell me that.
i just wish i'd frappin' ovulate so he could get me pregnant.

when do they go back to school?

my kid is a one person destruction crew.
she brought the crutches in from the garage and threw them behind the couch, wtf???
she said it was so if there was a bug on the ceiling she wouldn't have to get up to kill it.
i am cranky, tired, and short fused.
i lost it.
i told her if she keeps moving shit around i will break one of her protruding body parts so she'll NEED the crutches!!!
it's bad enough she keeps knocking the baby Jesus down in the nativity scene by putting her crap on the table,
when does she go back to school, NOT SOON ENOUGH!!!

i can't live with her anymore.
she's rude, disrespectful, lazy, messy and just a bitch every time she comes home.
she thinks she knows everything.
she takes over the t.v. and i want to listen to music.
why can't she disappear into her room like the old days, unseen and unheard.
those days were nice, i liked them, i enjoyed them!!!

i did not sleep well.
i think i punched myself in the eye last night.
i've had spasms in my left eye all day and it's been watering and it hurts a little.
i feel so old.
i've had to wear my glasses all day.
i had bad bad dreams.
i dreamed i told scott i was pregnant and he beat the shit out of me until i miscarried.
extreme concept right, he seems like an alright guy.

but i couldn't keep the thought of him beating the crap out of me out of my head.
so i googled him and he has domestic violence charges from his first marriage.
he had to do probation and domestic violence classes in FL for a year.
so he can be violent.
he was in his 20's and now he's in his 40's so hopefully he's mellowed.
but he did threaten to kill me if i didn't deny our sexual encounters.

i am discombobulateed between the previous sentence and this one scott knocked on the door.
blow job, private part rubbing, making out, dry humping, back to sexual frustration for one!!!
told him about my dream, he thought it was stupid
and then he kissed me, he is a really GREAT kisser!!!

woke up crying

i'm so very sad today. i woke up with tears running down my face. i had been dreaming earlier in the night of scott and happily ever after, but as the night progressed my dreams turned darker. i was in a hospital in a gown. i was frantically walking around endless corridors with doors that wouldn't open. i didn't know where i was, it was like every hospital i'd ever been in since i was a child was combined into one huge hospital in my head.

i was in alot of hospitals growing up with my mother's illness taking us lots of different places. dad and i would kill time by wondering aimlessly around these old and huge hospitals. we'd find chapels, and just empty spaces that we sometimes could never find again. i can't imagine my life being as sick as my mother was.

i hate hospitals. they smell like clean death. i woke up so sad, anxious, and just strung out with worry.

today, in a few minutes, i go back to the doctor for more testing on my sugar levels. my ac1 is 6.1 which indicates pre-diabetes.

i got books a tthe library on it and bought one at a store, plus i've been reading about it on the internet and all i can say is i'm so confused.
every book and site gives these steps to stopping or reversing pre-diabetes

1 - lose weight (even 10% of your body weight can help) --- i've lost 17% of my body weight this year

2 - exercise at least a 1/2 hour every day --- i exercise an hour every day

3 - eat a well balanced diet with limited starchy carbs -- i removed all "white" starchy carbs like potatoes from my diet months ago

4 - eat at regular 2-3 hour intervals (don't skip meals) - this is one i could work on, i eat when i'm hungry, but i always have breakfast, lunch and dinner

i just don't know what i'm doing wrong. i feel so frustrated. according to all the books and web sites my sugar should be fine.

i'm so freaked out, i was telling scott about it because he could tell i was upset and i started to cry.
he gave me a hug and said they can do things for this it's not the end of the world.
but i don't want to have to stick myself with some meter all day long and give myself shots or take pills.
i'm trying to have a baby here, this is the worst timing ever.

i have alot of questions for my doctor. it's like i just can't catch a break on my health.
first it was tryglcerides and chlosterol.
then it was my vitamin d
and now it's my sugar.

i fix one thing and another gets out of whack!!!!
i'm so very sad about that.