Summer Days Are Here

you can feel the hot breath of summer breathing upon your neck.
the temps are up.
the storms are frequent.
and the humidity is frizzing my hair!
this year i will brave the public swimming pool.
i haven't gone swimming at a public pool in over 8 years.
i'm a size 14!
i got some cute swim shorts and i've been searching for a top to keep the boobs in.
that is not an easy task, i'm still a 40DDD.

i might have to order online for it.
it'll be more expensive but hopefully it'll keep me from popping out.
the pools open this weekend.
i'm excited.
i think we will go saturday and sunday.
i'm on vacation right now so sitting by the pool sounds good to me.
i'll call saturday and get their hours.
i'll see if i can bring a cooler with water and snacks.
maybe i can get my friend and her daughter to go with us.

brent and i are trying for a baby again this month.
he's so busy.
i told him we have to be together every 2-3 days.
we were together yesterday.
it had been 12 days since we had sex.
it was amazing as always.
now we have to be together saturday then monday or tuesday.
and he wants it to be natural.
he wants no ovulation prediction kits, no fertility drugs, all natural.

i read on line that a bmi 30 and under is good for fertility.
i'm 16 pounds away from reaching that.
so i'm amping up my weight loss efforts.
i'm eating healthier and walking more.
of course, i have to wait until 8pm to walk cuz it is so hot,
but this is worth it!
a baby, with a man that actually loves me and wants me to have his child.
yes, this is different!

i love summer!

It's Going to Be Alright

braved getting on the wii today to weigh myself and do some yoga
the wii board was happy to inform me it had been 20 days since my last visit
i'm thinking, oh no, i've gained, i've gained,
but i was surprised i'd lost 4.9 pounds in 20 days.

it's not some record or anything it is just the right direction.
i started writing down what i eat and i mean everything i eat.
that keeps me honest and lets me see how much i'm eating.
now i'm starting to count calories, carbs, fat and fiber again.
i'm slowly getting back into the weight loss groove.

the yoga kicked my butt.
my balance was still okay though.
my new man is starting a px90 work out.
he says it's intense and an hour a day.

i'm going to do what works for me.

i will wii, walk, count calories and carbs.
it can be a pain and if i'm feeling lazy like i have since january,
i gain back weight.
but considering my lowest weight back in november was 193 i didn't go too crazy.
but i'm starting to feel like my old self.
the sadness and emotional turmoil is lifting.
my new man is a breath of fresh air.

i asked him to give me a hickey and he gave me a huge one.
he just excites me to the core.
just sitting here thinking about him turns me on.
there's this amazing connection that is physical and euphoric.
i'm not in love, i'm in primal animal full sexual peak.
i know i'm going to be stupid and fall in love eventually.
he explained to me when a woman gets an orgasm from a man
she releases a chemical in her brain that attaches her to that man.
and i'm attached or addicted whatever you want to call it.

i went 6 months with no orgasms to him giving me 10 in an hour.
how could i not want that as much as possible?!

today is about getting back on track in my life, health, and happiness.
i finally get that feeling that it's going to be alright!

I Made My Bed

i did have a sinus infection.
last week i worked from home the entire week taking antibiotics and pounding the good cough syrup.
i slept at least 15 hours a day.
i tried to stay out of the cold and keep warm.
i drank lots of fluids and rested the crap out of it.
i finally went back to the office this past Tuesday.
someone put a buzzard on my cube wall so it was staring at me.
my boss finally got rid of it.
every time i tried to move it, it would just appear again.
but honestly i feel all better finally!

it's hard to be sick.
every little thing made me tired.
sophie got restless because i cut back her walks.
she is such a friendly little dog.
i'm lucky to have her to keep the nights from being so lonely.

the biggest thing i'm battling again is my depression.
the sickness, my weight being stuck, and men are just getting me down.
i've been fighting my depressed moods off and on since october,
but i don't know how much longer i can do it on my own.
i'm hoping not to go back on medication.

my daughter will be 21 on March 4th.
i miss having a little one.
every body thinks i'm crazy to want another child.
i've always wanted more children.
i just kept waiting for the perfect situation.
that has proven to be non-existent.
i guess i lost my chance a long time ago.

my biggest regret is not having at least one more child.
but time only marches forward and i have to accept that i will spend the rest of my life alone.
i made my bed and now i must lie in it!

Sick and Cranky

i've lost five pounds since my last post.
i'm averaging about a pound a day and that's while i'm on my period.
it isn't easy to break myself of my lazy ways.
i've been fantasizing about covering myself in chocolate syrup and letting a certain male lick it off,
then i cover him and do the same.
sweet, sweet, dreams they are indeed.

but i stick to the plan i created for myself.
it doesn't help that i'm sick again.
this stupid cold i caught from a neighbor has taken up residency in my head.
i think now i have a sinus and/or ear infection.
so i need to get into the doctor this week.

i take my vitamins.
i'm eating healthy foods.
i'm exercising.
but i get sick so easily.
i catch any little thing i'm exposed to.
all my neighbor did was lean in and talk to me.

i think i'm going to have to start wearing one of those surgical masks.
or put myself in bubble.
i wonder how expensive bubbles are.
the bubble would never work, sophie the puggle would think i'm her new dog toy.
i see many issues with that situation.

i'm just trying to live my life the best way i can.
but i can't do anything right.
i fail at everything i try.

i fail in relationships.
i fail at sex.
i fail at getting healthy.
i fail at being a good mom.
i fail at saving money.
i fail at supporting myself.
i am a BIG FAT FAILURE!!!!

sickness makes me cranky!

Idea to Break the Tie

hello all.
it has been awhile.
i've been stuck at the 195-200 pound range for nearly 3 months now.
i blame several things, the weather, the holidays, the emotional roller coaster i've been on,
but blame won't make me lose more weight.
blame has been my crutch to excuse my lack of effort in jan.
but now it is feb. and on with the show.

i have figured out how to get myself fired up and to push through the last 30-35 pounds i have to lose.
i call it the snacks diet.

i will eat one meal a day that is 500 calories or less and 50 carbs or less.
this will either be breakfast or lunch, never after 2 pm.

i will then have 4 snack size meals through the rest of the day at least 3 hours apart.
they will be less then 175 calories and 15 carbs.

this will total 1200 calories and 110 carbs every day.

this should jolt my system back into dropping pounds.

i've also gotten lazy with my exercise.
i will do the wii for at least 30 minutes 4 days a week.
and then use netflix fitness videos for the other 3 days a week.
this will introduce some new work outs into my routine and thus stave off the boredom.

it begins when i go to the grocery store.
i have no food in the house.

i've been eating at 8pm, and going out to eat too much.
i've just been lazy lazy lazy.

it has to stop.
i got to carry this through.
i can do this!!!

so relieved

i've lost 50 pounds since this time last year. i've lost 9 pounds since i was at the doctor in septemember. my sugar went down from 6.4 in september to the 6.1 the ob/gyn did last week. my doctor was so proud of me, she hugged me.

she told me to stay motivated through the holidays and she'd see me in feb and she's confident if i keep exercising and losing weight my sugar will drop back down below 6 which is normal.

i told her i was confused on carbs and how many i should eat a day. she told me to keep the carbs under 120 per day and to make them come from fruits, whole grains, and vegtables. she says i'm doing everything right and it's just going to take more time. she said she'd be thrilled if i could just take off 20 more pounds.

i feel so much better now. i was all worked up about it. i got my flu shot too.

i feel great and healthy. my fms, mood swings, and general blahness is gone for the most part. i told her the sugar thing had been depressing me, but she was encouraging and confident that i could get it under control with no medications.

this is such happy happy news!!!
life is looking good right now.
i can do this, this is my year!!!

woke up crying

i'm so very sad today. i woke up with tears running down my face. i had been dreaming earlier in the night of scott and happily ever after, but as the night progressed my dreams turned darker. i was in a hospital in a gown. i was frantically walking around endless corridors with doors that wouldn't open. i didn't know where i was, it was like every hospital i'd ever been in since i was a child was combined into one huge hospital in my head.

i was in alot of hospitals growing up with my mother's illness taking us lots of different places. dad and i would kill time by wondering aimlessly around these old and huge hospitals. we'd find chapels, and just empty spaces that we sometimes could never find again. i can't imagine my life being as sick as my mother was.

i hate hospitals. they smell like clean death. i woke up so sad, anxious, and just strung out with worry.

today, in a few minutes, i go back to the doctor for more testing on my sugar levels. my ac1 is 6.1 which indicates pre-diabetes.

i got books a tthe library on it and bought one at a store, plus i've been reading about it on the internet and all i can say is i'm so confused.
every book and site gives these steps to stopping or reversing pre-diabetes

1 - lose weight (even 10% of your body weight can help) --- i've lost 17% of my body weight this year

2 - exercise at least a 1/2 hour every day --- i exercise an hour every day

3 - eat a well balanced diet with limited starchy carbs -- i removed all "white" starchy carbs like potatoes from my diet months ago

4 - eat at regular 2-3 hour intervals (don't skip meals) - this is one i could work on, i eat when i'm hungry, but i always have breakfast, lunch and dinner

i just don't know what i'm doing wrong. i feel so frustrated. according to all the books and web sites my sugar should be fine.

i'm so freaked out, i was telling scott about it because he could tell i was upset and i started to cry.
he gave me a hug and said they can do things for this it's not the end of the world.
but i don't want to have to stick myself with some meter all day long and give myself shots or take pills.
i'm trying to have a baby here, this is the worst timing ever.

i have alot of questions for my doctor. it's like i just can't catch a break on my health.
first it was tryglcerides and chlosterol.
then it was my vitamin d
and now it's my sugar.

i fix one thing and another gets out of whack!!!!
i'm so very sad about that.

199 and going down!

friday, a month ahead of my 39th birthday, i reached my 199 pound goal. I have 34 more pounds until i reach my final goal of 165 pounds.
i am walking, working out on the wii, watching what i eat, and wearing a size 14.
i am rocking it out!!!

i have to stay dedicated and focused.
these next two months are a critical time.
there will be temptation everywhere.
i cannot let myself give in to old habits.

it's bad enough i can't contain my desires.
the naughty neighbor and i were talking all business, the car i'm buying off of him.
then it took a turn toward the scandalous and we had another "moment"
he called me monica and i said okay bill.
his only dilemma seems to be us living in the same apartment complex.
you aren't supposed to cheat where you live.
so he has no issue with cheating on his live in girlfriend at all.
i found that interesting.

i would like to graduate to actually having all of his clothes off.
and real sex would be nice.
but i'm just enjoying these moments.
it's not like anyone else is knocking down my door.

bret is over and done for good this time.
i care about him, but he takes out his life's frustrations on me.
then he is just brutally mean to me.
and i'm too sensitive to the critisicms to take anymore.
it's not my fault his house got robbed, his daughter has walking pnemonia, and his landlord is evicting him for not paying rent.
but when i tried to take his mind off of it, he snapped my head off.
i don't know what else i can do or say.
i told him i was sorry and i hoped his kid made a quick recovery and i felt bad for him
and if he needed anything to let me know.
i can't do anything right with him and i'm tired of trying.

A Mishap at the Dentist

Today i went to get my teeth cleaned at the dentist. The dental hygenist can't get the water pick to work. So I have to rinse out with a cup. No big deal.
So she starts polishing my teeth and i feel something cold and wet on my legs and private area.
the water pick is shooting a steady stream of cold water onto my legs and private area.
she starts freaking out, grabs the water pick and drops it into the sink and runs out to get me a towel.
the water pick is shooting water up and out of the sink onto my chart and soaking it.
so i grab my chart and move it then i move the water pick so the water is going down into the sink.
she's really agitated now, but i can't stop laughing.
this type of thing happens to me all the time!!!

thankfully, i had on the track pants, but they were soaked and so were my panties.
i got home and changed, and hoped that was the most eventful part of my day, but it wasn't.

i ordered me a birthday present, a brand new ipad nano with the fitness chip in it.
it'll clip on and track your workouts, which i think is cool.
i double checked the address i saw on the screen and placed my order.
30 minutes later i checked my email and saw the confirmation email and the shipping address wasn't my current address!!!!
it's my old address, but the bill to address is correct.
the only address i was asked to verify was the bill to address, i thought i had checked the box that said use the bill to address as the ship to address, but guess not.

and the best part in less then 30 minutes it's already in shipping status so i can't change it.
i call the help line in a panic, i'm freaking out man,
the tech said she can't change it, but she put in notes to reroute it to my correct address.
i told her it's an apartment, what if they sign my name for it.
she says to watch the tracking on it, and if they sign my name for the delivery, i would call back and open a case, and i'd have to file fraud and theft charges against them to get a new one sent to me for no additional costs.

luckily, i still had my old landlords email address.
and luckily, he still reads his email and uses it and owns the property.
he contacted the current residents and asked them to refuse the delivery so it could reroute to me
and they agreed.

so here's hoping this rerouting thing works next week and i get my new ipod.
all my information is now correct up at apple.
the ipod is even engraved with my motto of inspiration, never quit, never surrender!
yes, i know i got it from galaxy quest, but i like it.

but i'm starting to wonder if bret's bad luck is contagious or if i'm so distracted by sexual thoughts of scott, what else am i gonna screw up
i got to get rid of these men, they are going to be the death of me.