December Gray with Christmas Blues

This holiday season has snuck up on me. I find myself missing the holiday spirit and my brother. A year has passed since he died so very quickly. Dad is lonely without him. He has no one to complain and stump with about the current poltical climate. He is into the "alternate news". I just think there are more important and interesting things in this life to talk about then politics. It is all the same with politicals. All the fighting and finger pointing. It is always the other parties fault. No one ever accepts responsibility or takes accountability for their actions. And you can never get anyone to change their mind; they think they are always right, so what is the point; I find life blah right now. I feel redundant! I see this world full of light, gray, and darkness. The scale is always moving between the good and the evil, never in balance, never staying still, never at peace. Always at struggle, I am always struggling to keep ahead of my own demons. I am struggling to stay hopeful. I have started to take care of my health again, after neglecting it for all of 2020. I am on new diabetes medications, a new diabetes meter, working on eating healthy, and even going to the dentist for the first time in 6 years. I will have to take a day off for the dentist; having my teeth cleaned gives me a migraine. It will be a journey, my health, a day to day journey with no end. The thought overwhelms me, but I must try....

The Cough Continues....

Bronchitis is the bitch that won't leave me alone!
I finished my antibiotics and my coughing fits are getting further apart but they are more intense.
I just can't shake them.

Now when I cough it is so intense I get light headed and I see dots and swirls of light around me.
I have lean against the closet firm object, like a wall or desk to keep from falling over.
I have to find water and a cough drop once the coughing dies down to keep it from stoping.
My kid is sick again and I told her if she passes this back to me I'm going to hurt her and I mean it!!!!!
I have been sick non-stop for the past 3 weeks and I'm exhausted.
I haven't been able to do anything, working out is impossible because I can't breathe.

I'm going to start on the exercise bike tonight and I haven't been on it since 2/12.
This is going to hurt!
I figure I'll peddle for 5 minutes, stretch, do 5 minutes more, stretch, and then do 10 minutes, stretch, and then 15 minutes.
That will get my 30 minutes in, but I know my legs and lungs will be burning!
But the doctor told me not to exercise with bronchitis.
So I listened to her but now I've finished the antibiotics almost a week ago and I feel much better so it is time to get back on it.
I just hope it doesn't trigger a stupid coughing fit, they are awful now and nothing comes up anymore.
It is almost like my lungs just seizing up because they got used to it over the past couple of weeks.
This brutally cold air hasn't helped.

I'm so ready for warmer temperatures.
No matter how I cover my mouth and nose I can't stop breathing in the cold air.
And I can't avoid going outside, I go to work, the dog wants walked, and the air is so cold.
I love winter, but I love to look at it more than I love to be in it anymore.
The chill just makes me sick all the time now.
My bones hurt along with the rest of me.
I know I'm getting old now.

MRI surprise

Migraines this year have been 4 a month.
medications have been an epic failure.
my life has been turned upside down and dimmed by them.
they begin with pain and stiffness in my neck.
so the doctor finally sent me in for an mri to check for that elusive brain tumor.
and we get a brain aneurysm so now i get to go and get an mra.

all my migraine symptoms except for the neck pain and stiffness match warning headaches.
so for 11 months i've had this time bomb in my head and didn't even know it.
i must be brave.
who am i kidding i've been blubbering like a giant baby.
i don't have time for this.
i can't afford this.
but alas, here it is ready or not.

my brother had a ruptured aneurysm when he was 23 and he is disabled to this day.
so there is even more concern with the family history.
my brother's was genetic so i shouldn't be too surprised.
one of my doctor's asked her when she was going all her health issues and i went with her to an appointment
how many children she had, she said three, and he asked if all were blonde and blue eyed.
mom said no, her middle son had dark hair and eyes like my dad.
he said that the two blonde kids would inherit all or most of the health issues since we inherited
the recessive genes from both sides.
and he has been so right.
my oldest brother and i are the two fair ones and we are sick all the time.
but my middle brother has had few health issues, he just finished a marathon.

i don't know where this is going but i can use all the prayers and well wishes i can get.

Hippity Dippity Do

This trying to be healthy thing is going to kill me.
I eat more fiber my stomach swells up and i feel like i'm going to implode.
I cut back on sugar and carbs and i get freezing cold and shake all the time.
I do yoga to stretch out myself and improve circulation and posture and i injure my back and hip.

i've hurt my hip so much i know have snapping hip syndrome. no lie.
the doctor can even hear it when i move my knee up my chest, a loud POP!
And it hurts so bad I cry.

Xray was good, no stress fracture, no deformations, no tears.
There is just a lot of swelling and that is causing the pain.
Now i am winding down my steroid dosage and the pain is back as fierce as ever.
so now i have to make an appt. with the the bone doctor so i can get a shot straight into my hip.
sounds like some fun.

in the mean time, i'm supposed to be resting my hip.
how do you rest a hip i asked my regular doctor?
he said it is really hard but stay off my leg, don't get up and down a lot, and just rest it.
well today i took a walking tour with my kid at OSU, she's looking to transfer there to get a 4 year,
after she finishes her two year studies at Hocking Technical College.

needless to say my hip does NOT feel rested it feels like it is on fire!!!

so i'm 40 years old and i'm falling apart!
yup, falling apart!

Sick Puppy

Sophie the puggle got sick too!

She either caught the flu from my daughter which is possible or it was something she ate over by the dumpster.
I tried to get it out of her mouth but she gobbled it down.
She was sick for a week.
I was freaking out.
We had to dip our fingers into water for her to drink anything at all.
She wouldn't eat, not even lunch meat which is her favorite.
She stopped drinking water so I mixed water and orange juice and she'd lick that off my fingers.
She was miserable.
I was on the verge of taking her to the vet when she began to improve.

She might have been constipated, she didn't poop for 3 days.
I know that hurts from experience, gross right!
she is now back to her usually bouncy trouncy self.
this is the first time she's ever been sick.
Poor puppy!

Hopefully now that everyone in the house has been ill we can spend the next couple of months healthy.
Call me a dreamer, but not being sick would be such a blessing.

The Winter of Sickness

It's been awhile.

I got sick around my birthday.
I spent turning 40 with an ear and sinus infections and bronchitis.
A week later it got worse and I was diagnosed with walking pneumonia.
I spent December in a haze of codiene cough syrup, antibiotics, and nyquil!
I am still coughing but not as much.
It's day 9 of the new year and I've had two migraines already.
I don't have an immune system, it went on holiday and hasn't returned yet!

The worst part was having zero energy!
I didn't even work up enough to go down to my Dad's at Christmas.
I did go and get him for my birthday and he stayed for 3 days, but I was sick the whole time.

I fought through it and we went bowling and then the bookstore.
We are such geeks. My dad, daughter and I spent nearly 2 hours in the bookstore.
We all love to read. I bought several books for me and dad.
I got one more that I haven't started from that batch.

It'll have to wait until I finish C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity.
If you have not heard of his books on Christianity and you are a logical person;
I'd highly recommend it.
He is very logical in laying out Christian concepts.
I read these books very slowly and highlight a lot of things.
I find it enlightening, but I'm a huge GEEK!!!

My favorite Christmas present I bought after it was over and on sale.
One of those one cup coffee makers.
I don't drink coffee, so we've been making teas and cocoa's on it.
Me and kid love it.
We are experimenting with different flavors and bought new mugs with our initials on them.

This year's goals -
Be a blessing to everyone I know and meet!
Buy a home!
Be healthy in heart, soul and body!

I'm not ambitious at all this year!

I hope you all had a great holiday and new year!
Blessings to you all!

It's Going to Be Alright

braved getting on the wii today to weigh myself and do some yoga
the wii board was happy to inform me it had been 20 days since my last visit
i'm thinking, oh no, i've gained, i've gained,
but i was surprised i'd lost 4.9 pounds in 20 days.

it's not some record or anything it is just the right direction.
i started writing down what i eat and i mean everything i eat.
that keeps me honest and lets me see how much i'm eating.
now i'm starting to count calories, carbs, fat and fiber again.
i'm slowly getting back into the weight loss groove.

the yoga kicked my butt.
my balance was still okay though.
my new man is starting a px90 work out.
he says it's intense and an hour a day.

i'm going to do what works for me.

i will wii, walk, count calories and carbs.
it can be a pain and if i'm feeling lazy like i have since january,
i gain back weight.
but considering my lowest weight back in november was 193 i didn't go too crazy.
but i'm starting to feel like my old self.
the sadness and emotional turmoil is lifting.
my new man is a breath of fresh air.

i asked him to give me a hickey and he gave me a huge one.
he just excites me to the core.
just sitting here thinking about him turns me on.
there's this amazing connection that is physical and euphoric.
i'm not in love, i'm in primal animal full sexual peak.
i know i'm going to be stupid and fall in love eventually.
he explained to me when a woman gets an orgasm from a man
she releases a chemical in her brain that attaches her to that man.
and i'm attached or addicted whatever you want to call it.

i went 6 months with no orgasms to him giving me 10 in an hour.
how could i not want that as much as possible?!

today is about getting back on track in my life, health, and happiness.
i finally get that feeling that it's going to be alright!

Sick and Cranky

i've lost five pounds since my last post.
i'm averaging about a pound a day and that's while i'm on my period.
it isn't easy to break myself of my lazy ways.
i've been fantasizing about covering myself in chocolate syrup and letting a certain male lick it off,
then i cover him and do the same.
sweet, sweet, dreams they are indeed.

but i stick to the plan i created for myself.
it doesn't help that i'm sick again.
this stupid cold i caught from a neighbor has taken up residency in my head.
i think now i have a sinus and/or ear infection.
so i need to get into the doctor this week.

i take my vitamins.
i'm eating healthy foods.
i'm exercising.
but i get sick so easily.
i catch any little thing i'm exposed to.
all my neighbor did was lean in and talk to me.

i think i'm going to have to start wearing one of those surgical masks.
or put myself in bubble.
i wonder how expensive bubbles are.
the bubble would never work, sophie the puggle would think i'm her new dog toy.
i see many issues with that situation.

i'm just trying to live my life the best way i can.
but i can't do anything right.
i fail at everything i try.

i fail in relationships.
i fail at sex.
i fail at getting healthy.
i fail at being a good mom.
i fail at saving money.
i fail at supporting myself.
i am a BIG FAT FAILURE!!!!

sickness makes me cranky!

Bittersweet Tennessee

the funeral will be in a couple of days so we have to pack up and head to tennessee.
it'll be wonderful to see the family, it's been a couple of years, but it'll be sad that we are all there for MeeMaw's funeral, so bittersweet, this trip to Tennessee.

when i was 7 grandpa and Meemaw retired and moved from Ohio to Tennessee. I went from seeing them every day to seeing them on our summer vacations for a week. i missed them very much.
as i got older and grew up and had my daughter, we went to see MeeMaw less and less.
then in spring of 2010 she had a stroke, i realized it had been ten years since i had gone to visit.
we went that summer for a long weekend.
it was too short.
that's the last time i saw her.
there was never enough money or enough time to go visit.
i regret that now.
Meemaw had her priorities right, God and family, is what she dedicated her life too.

i have some very difficult decisions to make.
Meemaw's death has made me take a hard look at some of my choices lately.
I've not been making healthy emotional choices.
Scott, Bret, Jackie, all unhealthy for my emotional needs.
I need to make a clean break from empty deadend sexual relationships.
I do want another child, but to conceive via one of these men is just opening my child and I to years of disappointment and heartache.

these men can't change so I must.
when i get back from tennessee i'm going back to church.
i'm going to get back on a righteous path.
God and family will be my focus.
I've already been working on my physical health, now it's time to meet my emotional and spiritual needs.

God, I'm going to need all the help I can get.
Especially, to tell Scott no.
that word doesn't pop into my head when that man touches me.
i'm caught up in his web, a total fly to his spider.
he knows he's got me, help me break free.
Amen!

so sick of driving

wow, i put 649 miles on the car and spent $600 bucks this weekend.
Friday was getting the kid from college, doing her laundry, and taking her to the sprint store to replace her blackberry which got wet and died.
so we upgraded her to the i phone (she's in love with it) and we upgraded my dad to a phone with big buttons.
so early merry christmas to both of them.
$208 at the sprint store, but i have to buy stamps to send a $50 rebate.
she had my number until sunday afternoon and i'm still getting texts and calls from her college buddies.
i did her laundry, picked up her prescription and we bought her groceries.

saturday we headed to indiana to great uncle dave's 80th birthday party.
we had to go through richmond to get to hoagland
so we picked up my neice and her boyfriend.
then we went to see my cousins in richmond before we headed to the hog roast.
i spent 8 hours in the car on saturday.
my back still hurts and my ass is still clenched.
but i got to see alot of family that i hadn't seen in 10 years.
and damn, we age well!!!
my cousin gave me the motivation i needed to get my last pounds off,
she reminded me how stubborn we are as a family,
and when we make up our minds to do something we get it done.
so i'm renewed.
great uncle dave is going to hike the grand canyon AGAIN!!!
awesome!
i had cousin tim's homemade BBQ sauce.
boy, did i reqret that around 3AM the next morning.

today was getting gab back to the sprint store so she could get her phone # back and stop using mine.
taking her back to college and unloading her.
a grocery trip for me, eggs, cheese, milk, fruit, veggies and soup.
i am focused and driven to meet by goal by my 39th birthday (nov. 28th)
my goal was to be under 200 LBS (199) but now I want 195, i have 10 pounds!!!
I did 2 miles walking friday night, saturday before we left, and today after i got back from dropping off the kid.

i'm focusing on myself and my health.
if the naughty neighbor comes around we will see what happens.
he's lived with his little bunny since feb. and we started are fucking around in early august.
she said it's like dating herself and it's so normal, i almost yawned.
i asked isn't that boring and she said there's enough twist that it's okay.
he and i have such passion and chemistry, it's a damn shame we aren't exploring that on a regular basis.
but i can't get wrapped around this and let it consume me.
i do deserve better.
i jokingly told her about when gab asked if scott and i were having sex cuz i patted him on the shoulder
and i told her no, you'll get my ass kicked by his woman.
and she laughed and said i know that wouldn't happen.
like he wouldn't cheat on her or he just wouldn't cheat with me???
i am offended.
she has no fucking clue that he comes down here and we fuck around.
NONE. if she's that fucking clueless she deserves it.
she went on and on on how if he cheated or wanted an open relationship she'd be gone.
after i get what i want she might just get an ear full.

the microwave is alive!

i was putting in gab's old college microwave so i'd have one until i could replace the newer one that i had thought was dead.
i plugged in the small one and it didn't work.
so i grabbed a little light i have and plugged into all the kitchen plugs and ALL 3 kitchen plugs to the left of the stove don't work and the 3 to the right of the stove do.
so i went and got the newer microwave and plugged into one of the plugs that work and it's ALIVE!!!
i did me a major happy dance and squealed with delight.
i am so happy i don't have to buy a new microwave.
i called the office and they opened a work order for the maintenance guy to come see why those 3 plugs died.
i use them all the time for the toaster and the can opener.
hopefully it is something he can fix easily.

met a man yesterday over at a neighbor's, we were clicking and so my other neighbor asked him if he liked me and yup, he's got a girlfriend.
dag nab it, i can't catch any breaks when it comes to the men i dig!

i am eating healthy but i've gain back 3 of the 7 pounds i've lost since i can eat and not throw up.
i'm working out and walking every day now.
my goals are the same, health is my priority over everything else now.

i'm getting all my ducks in a row!

Rainy Monday's Just Suck

it is another monday, and it is pouring rain. so i think i will be working out today on the wii.
a pregnancy test was negative, yipee!!!
if i still haven't started next week, i'll take one more just to be sure.
but i am relieved not to be pregnant.
my body i think is just adjusting to all the healthy eating, exercising, and running around i am doing.

i walked 5 miles yesterday. the dog walked 3 of it with me at the dog park.
my house is clean.
my laundry is down.
i watched Heathers and National Treasure yesterday.
i read my scriptures.

i tried to take some video of a goat that was running around our apt. complex on saturday, but i didn't hit the right buttons.
Sophie, the puggle, hates goats!

don't aske my why there was a goat in our apt. complex, i don't know where the goat came from, i don't know why it was loose.
it was shear chaos and i had to ask myself out loud, was that a goat that just ran by!!!
it was short, black, and had huge curled horns.
again, the dog, hated it and was going nuts barking, growling, just freaking out.
a kid caught it and helped it's owners take it back to their car (who drives around with a goat in a little honda car???)
and sophie normally loves this kid, he went to pet her, stinking of the goat, and sophie barked and growled at him.
i thought she was going to bite him.
i told him i don't think she knows it is you, since you reek of the goat.
the owner's gave the kid $20 for catching the goat.

still baffled over it tho, i see some weird shit around here!!!

Enjoying the Peace and Quiet

yesterday was busy all morning. got the kid moved in to her dorm. she found out there's no cable. her roommate didn't move in until today.
my neice looks better. she's stilil really really weak. it could take her months to get her strenght back. but she's feeling better. we talked alot about what has been happening with her. she's got a bright future, it's sad she let her ex cloud her thinking to the point where she could not see it.
but i have high hopes she's ready to move on and forward to bigger and better people, things, and blessings.

celebrated the empty house by dancing around in the nude. after a half hour i got cold and put a some clothes on. but i enjoyed and reveled in the moment. went to the grocery and got lots of healthy food. grapes, strawberries, carrots, celery, whole wheat bread, lean turkey, and still walked 2 miles. it was a productive day.
today not so much. i only had until 2pm to do whatever i wanted to do then i had to work.

took the dog to the dog park. walked me 3 miles. came home, cleaned a little then it was time to sign on :( and even as i write this, i'm still logged onto work, i'm waiting for the patches to be installed to fix a problem we've had with weights and volumes on shipments showing correctly in the system. then after that, hopefully, i will be able to start all the jobs back up and get off the work computer.

i'm excited. the weight loss is going well. the kid is off doing her own thing. even though i'm alone, i'm not sad about it. life is good right now.

now i got blisters in my mouth!

damn pizza rolls! i had some sunday, thought they were cooled bit into one and had to spit it out, too hot, dog did the same. had to go to the dentist cuz my mouth kept bleeding and 2nd degree burns and blisters on the right side in the back! my pizza addiction will kill me one day!

now i have to use this prescription mouth wash,dip a cotton ball in it, and hold it on the blisters for at least a minute 2 times a day.

gargle with luke warm salt water 3 times a day.

avoid anything sticky, hard, crunchy, salty, and citrus
(this will help with the weight loss plan)

keep my tooth brush off of the gums on that side

so for the next 7-10 days this is going to suck!

so the blister on my foot is healing and now i have blisters in my mouth healing. and my period zit on the side of my forehead, plus my period and its delightful cramps all in the same week. why doesn't God just smote me now????

spring brings me headaches

my head has been aching since sunday. i think i gotta call the doc today and see if it's
A - a cold
B - another sinus infection (that would make 2 since Jan.)
C - an ear infection
D - allergies

the right side of my head over my eye, around my ear and down into my jaw and neck have been killing me. i've tried every non prescription pain reliever known to human kind since sunday and none work. i took claritin this morning in a final attempt to see if it's an allergy, but it hasn't worked.

i can't remember a time in my life when i did not get headaches!
migrains, tension headaches, flu, cold, sinus, allergies, etc...
if there's a headache to be gotten i get it and i just don't think that's fair. i have a friend that says she only gets a headache when she has a cold or the flu. i was jealous.

i tracked once how often i got a headaches in the course of a month, i had some sort of headache 26 out of 30 days that month!!! I've been cat scanned, MRI'd, etc... I'm told there is nothing wrong with my brain. but it hurts more often then not. I just need a brain transfer! Sign me up to be first in line for that medical experiment.

accidentally zumba'd

so it's time to start exercising! i go to curves, where i joined last march and decide to get back on the program. they're having a zumba class. i thought zumba was one of angelina jolie's kids. i was wrong.

it's dancing. i have no balance. i fall over regularly. zumba and i don't agree with one another. i can't tell my left from my right and my hips don't roll. and because it was zumba time, they wouldn't weigh or measure me. i had to do the zumba class. it's just salsa dancing.

i don't really see why every one is so excited about it. of course, i never saw the reason why anyone wanted to sweat to the oldies with richard simmons either. i hope this too shall pass. until then i have to find a new way to exercise, because i can't zumba!

Thanksgiving Eve

All thru the house a dog was pacing,
a kid was dancing with headphones on,
and i am blogging this thanksgiving eve.

i am thankful for electricity and my eccentricity.
i am thankful for my father.
i am thankful for my daughter.
i am thankful for my dog.
i am thankful for my friend and lover, Bret.

i am thankful for my good health.
i am thankful for my good job.
i am thankful i do not go hungry.
i am thankful i do not go cold.
i am thankful to have a home.

all thru the house we are celebrating.
the quiet, the rain, the life we live.
all is precious and dear.

i am thankful to be here.