December Gray with Christmas Blues

This holiday season has snuck up on me. I find myself missing the holiday spirit and my brother. A year has passed since he died so very quickly. Dad is lonely without him. He has no one to complain and stump with about the current poltical climate. He is into the "alternate news". I just think there are more important and interesting things in this life to talk about then politics. It is all the same with politicals. All the fighting and finger pointing. It is always the other parties fault. No one ever accepts responsibility or takes accountability for their actions. And you can never get anyone to change their mind; they think they are always right, so what is the point; I find life blah right now. I feel redundant! I see this world full of light, gray, and darkness. The scale is always moving between the good and the evil, never in balance, never staying still, never at peace. Always at struggle, I am always struggling to keep ahead of my own demons. I am struggling to stay hopeful. I have started to take care of my health again, after neglecting it for all of 2020. I am on new diabetes medications, a new diabetes meter, working on eating healthy, and even going to the dentist for the first time in 6 years. I will have to take a day off for the dentist; having my teeth cleaned gives me a migraine. It will be a journey, my health, a day to day journey with no end. The thought overwhelms me, but I must try....

The Turning Point

yesterday was a turning point for he and i.
he came over and just held me and we talked.
we didn't have sex of any kind and i was completely naked!
he told me about his life and what was stressing him out.
he kissed me gently on the lips.
he told me about his boys and what's going on with them.
he told me that i'm a light in his life.

he only stayed 20 minutes. our time is always too short.
but he loves me and he knows i needed to touch him.
i needed to smell him.
i needed to taste him.
all my senses honed into him.
my body quivered at his touch.
he loves how my body responds to him automatically.

it was lovely.
it was romantic.
it was sweet.

maybe i'll get to see him today maybe i won't.
he wanted to make a point yesterday to me.
he told me he wanted me to know that this just isn't sex for him,
that he loves me and wants to be with me all the time.
even though right now he can't be with me more,
he wanted to remind me how much he wishes he could be.

i'm so in love with him.
even though i'm not pregnant now i know with him i will be.
we are building a bond and foundation that can last the test of time.
i've never been in love like this before.
i love him and he loves me back!
i just can't get over that and how amazing it is!

A Sweet Sunday

i've walked 5 miles today. i worked out on the wii for 30 minutes today. i had chili. sophie got to go to the dog park. i got my scriptures read. now i'm watching the browns lose :(

today has been a simple and sweet sunday. my right hip hurts a little from a new yoga position i added to my wii routine, the downward facing dog. it is harder then i thought it would be and maybe i'm just way too dirty minded, but every time i do the downward facing dog i think about either bret or scott coming up behind me and banging me. it's me right, i'm too horny!

i got to get my head out of my ass when it comes to men. i'm unrealistic. the men i want only want me because they already have someone else.

i've really got myself screwed up right now. i can't ever seem to achieve any balance in my life, ironic, since i physically have a balance disorder. or is that just an unfortunate happenstance?

i've been making a series of bad decisions of late and i need to snap out of it.

i will survive, i always do, but i tire of the struggle!

yes, i do have a brain, but it's tumor free

my brain has no abnormal growths or tumors!!!!
yipee!!!!

my right side balance system is just weak.
so i am truly unbalanced.
there's actually something called balance therapy.
i am still paying off my kid's physical therapy.
so i also read a wii fit can help with balance.
so i think santa is going to bring us one of those for xmas.

i'm so happy to not be sick.
i feel free and clear.
fear, leave me be, u r not wanted here.

Unbalanced it is!

well, i've written in the past about my various falling over's and just plain laziness of gravity keeping me upright. I went to the ear doctor and my ears are fine. So I was scheduled for a balance test to make sure the stuff inside my brain that keep me balanced are working. FUN!!!

Yesterday, I set off for my 11:30 appt. at 11. The test is at the same place where the ear doctor is, so I was just there like 3 weeks ago. I hopped on the interstate confident that I know where I am going. I am WRONG!!!
I have no clue where I am going. Nothing looks familiar. I take the first exit and while I am starting to panic I see the name of the street that I want on another exit, so I am relieved and I take that exit.

I exit on that exit and I am not on that street. I have no idea if I go left or right. So I go right. It looks really WRONG. So after a few minutes I turn around and go back the other way. I call my kid on the cell phone and have her get on map quest to find out where I am. I finally get to the road and take a left. And I pass a building I remember from the first trip!!!! Yipee!!!! I arrive 3 minutes before my appointment!

The test is odd. It involves flashing lights, no blinking, having my head shaken back and forth, sitting up and down really fast, wearing some goggles that make me feel like batman. Then the last part is getting cold then warm air blown into my ears, first the left then the right.

My left ear with both cold then warm air sends the room spinning like crazy!!! My right ear, nothing, not even a little bit of swaying. So the audiologist does my right ear a 2nd time. The 2nd time I get a bit woozy. Nothing like what happens when the left ear has the air blown in it. I found the warm air to be soothing and almost fall asleep, I likes it!!!!

So the audiologist tells me there's approx. a 20% difference between the left side balance system and the right side balance system. I ask her what that means and she says she has to analysis all the results and the doctor's assistant will call me today or Monday with them and next steps. But she's sure that my balance systems are not insynch, aka, it's official I am unbalanced!!!