The Turning Point

yesterday was a turning point for he and i.
he came over and just held me and we talked.
we didn't have sex of any kind and i was completely naked!
he told me about his life and what was stressing him out.
he kissed me gently on the lips.
he told me about his boys and what's going on with them.
he told me that i'm a light in his life.

he only stayed 20 minutes. our time is always too short.
but he loves me and he knows i needed to touch him.
i needed to smell him.
i needed to taste him.
all my senses honed into him.
my body quivered at his touch.
he loves how my body responds to him automatically.

it was lovely.
it was romantic.
it was sweet.

maybe i'll get to see him today maybe i won't.
he wanted to make a point yesterday to me.
he told me he wanted me to know that this just isn't sex for him,
that he loves me and wants to be with me all the time.
even though right now he can't be with me more,
he wanted to remind me how much he wishes he could be.

i'm so in love with him.
even though i'm not pregnant now i know with him i will be.
we are building a bond and foundation that can last the test of time.
i've never been in love like this before.
i love him and he loves me back!
i just can't get over that and how amazing it is!

The First Full Exchange

Last night we exchanged I love you's for the very first time.
There were no i'm falling for you's just straight I love you's.
I told him you know I have fallen head over heels in love with you.
He said I love what an amazing person you are.
I love what a great cock sucker you are.
Oh, hell, who am I kidding, I love you!
Finally he admits what I already knew in my heart to be true, we are in love.

50 days, 7 weeks of passion and falling in love!

I have never felt this in love ever before.
My neighbors say I'm glowing and bouncing around.
I smile all the time.
Every day is just sunshine and happiness.

The pregnancy test was negative and I didn't get depressed over it.
I was a little disappointed but I shook it right off,
because my head whispered we still have him!
He's what is important.
This bond and relationship is what is important.


Before I didn't care who the father of my child was as long as I had the child.
Now I can't imagine any other man being the father of my baby.
If we're to ever break up I'd stop trying.
He is perfection to me.
He's insecure sometimes which is cute.
He says when I leave him... I laugh.
It'll be the other way around.
It'll be ten years from now and he'll dump me for a younger model.
We both laugh.

He brings out the very best in me.
I want to make him happy.
He wants to make me happy.
He loves and respects me.

Wow, this is the real deal!

I had given up.
And now I have my reward for all the past suffering I've done in relationships gone wrong.
I finally have a man who loves me back as much as I love him!!!!!

Thank you God!!!!

A Bruise on My Nose

saturday i woke up and went to the grocery store.
that went well, except i saw the carmello bars on close out at 53 cents each,
so i bought all that was left, since the cashier explained to me close out means
that store won't carry them anymore
so now i have a drawer full of carmello bars screaming my name
so far i've had one and gab has had one.

i get home and i'm putting away the groceries.
i am putting the kid's dinosaur fun nuggets, seriously, she's almost 21 years old,
in the freezer, i pull the freezer door open and slam it right into my nose!!!
usually when i injure myself in such a stupid manner i laugh,
this time it hurt so fucking bad i was totally dazed.
i had my glasses on to boot, so that made it hurt worse.
now i have a bruise on my nose.

only me right, sheesh!!!

scott came over to get his money.
i was going to drop it off to him, but i saw the bunny was home
and after konking myself on the nose i was in a pissy mood
and did not want to see her.
i could not guarentee i wouldn't be a total bitch just cuz i can be.
so he came down to get it.

he showed the kid how to check the oil in berta.
he walked around that jeep like a lover checking every inch
touching it gently, it was like watching some man-gasim in progress.
he really really loves that car, sweet berta.
but i'm greatful he checks up on it.
the kid and i just drive the shit out of the cars.
they don't have emotional meaning to us.
to each their own i guess.

i went to hug him and he hesitated big time.
i apolgized he got to see the very ugly side of my mental illness.
he let me give him a hug.
i've done some damage there, i'm not surprised.
bret and scott both won't ever trust me again.
scott and i had a 5 month run that's typical for me.

the most significant relationships in my life (all 7 of them)
last 5-7 consecutive months in a row.
i'm the one that cannot sustain a long term relationship.
i'm the loser.
i'm the committment phobe.
i'm the disease.

went to a neighbor's 6 year old's birthday party.
she was a ballerina.
i stuffed like 6 of those spring rolls in my mouth.
damn they were good.
the mom made all these little dainty chocolates.
they are from brazil and there was all this food i've never seen before
we left after an hour cuz the whole roasted pig was stirring up my gag reflux, thank u baby!!!

i was going to drive me and the other neighbors over to next door
but they wanted to walk, but i had already pulled up the car
so i just parked it up front, in the bunny's spot
when we walked back i couldn't find my keys and i was freezing
and ready to yack from eating all those spring rolls
so i just left the car their

i went and got it this morning when i walked sophie
i'm so thankful to have a garage
the kid took my ice scraper.
i hate scraping a car.
today the kid goes back to school
and i got to be alone and broke

but i think of the little baby inside of me and smile.

manless, sexless, and microwaveless!!!!

This morning i had to tell the guy i didn't want to go out with him anymore it just wasn't clicking for me.
he said okay, i wished him good luck and that is done!
i thought that was easy.
he was so pushy on the first date, but with the migraine i dismissed it as me be overly sensitive.
he came back early from being out of town so we went out last night again.
and he was really really being pushy.

and it wasn't my migraine, he really isnt' funny but he thinks he is.
he kept poking me, and touching me with his feet (shoes on, so gross)
he just kept trying to force me to cuddle or snuggle or something.
i do NOT like it when a man tries to force closeness on me.
that is something that should come naturally.

by the time he left i didnt' want him to touch me EVER again.
he was just pushing things too hard, trying to push intimacy and familiarity when there was none.
the conversations were stilted and didn't flow well.
we just didn't not connect on any level!!!

i am having no luck at with this online dating.
i cancelled pof and zoosk.
i told them why, every guy i go out with wants to grope me and push sex on me.
i am very clear i want to ease into a relationship and get to know somone because i am looking for a long term relationship.
appearantly, no on knows what the definition of that is, so i googled it and for my review it is..

Long term relationship is a common, contemporary term for intimate interpersonal relationships that may be lifelong and may or may not consist in marriage. Long term relationships are considered the opposite of casual relationships, which tend to be short in duration. The notation "LTR" is used to designate "long term relationship" in "personals" advertisements

the guy i want to be having a LTR with i can't have because he's in a LTR wtih somebody else. (scott)
the guy i fell in love with before him loves me to death, but he isn't in love with me and only wants to EVER be friends. (bret)
and the guy before that married me and treated me like shit.

i say i'm striking out all over the place.

and the cherry on top of all this man cake, the microwave, that we bought less then a year ago, shorted out!!!
now i'm manless, sexless, and microwaveless!!!!