It's a new day, hackers suck

Hello - i lost access to this account due to a hacking attack that forced it to be locked. i haven't been able to login for 5 years despite emails and logging tickets to gain access over the years. today I just decided to take a look at the blog and it had a sign in button, i clicked on it and it let me in without a password. a miracle!!!! i hate hackers. i work in computers and technology and if your hacking into people's accounts you need to get a job. i am so happy to have access back. it's a new day. now will it work tomorrow, who knows. hope everyone is doing well and all your email, blog, and other computer accounts are unhackable. Peace out, Shannon

December Gray with Christmas Blues

This holiday season has snuck up on me. I find myself missing the holiday spirit and my brother. A year has passed since he died so very quickly. Dad is lonely without him. He has no one to complain and stump with about the current poltical climate. He is into the "alternate news". I just think there are more important and interesting things in this life to talk about then politics. It is all the same with politicals. All the fighting and finger pointing. It is always the other parties fault. No one ever accepts responsibility or takes accountability for their actions. And you can never get anyone to change their mind; they think they are always right, so what is the point; I find life blah right now. I feel redundant! I see this world full of light, gray, and darkness. The scale is always moving between the good and the evil, never in balance, never staying still, never at peace. Always at struggle, I am always struggling to keep ahead of my own demons. I am struggling to stay hopeful. I have started to take care of my health again, after neglecting it for all of 2020. I am on new diabetes medications, a new diabetes meter, working on eating healthy, and even going to the dentist for the first time in 6 years. I will have to take a day off for the dentist; having my teeth cleaned gives me a migraine. It will be a journey, my health, a day to day journey with no end. The thought overwhelms me, but I must try....

Pancreatic Cancer sucks!

My brother died one week before thanksgiving this year from pancreatic cancer. They found the spot on his pancreas one week after our cousin died in January and they gave him six to nine months, he lasted nearly 11 months. He was always stubborn, I am having such a hard time talking about him in past tense. I have a constant knot in my stomach, I can't eat, but I need to eat, but nothing sounds good. I miss him, I love him. I hate that he died at 52. Our Mom died at 48. Our Aunt, her sister, died at 47. It's all such a fucking tragedy, that so many in our family die so young. I worry about my Dad, he's had to bury both his parents, his wife, and now his son. It's nearly too much for a good man to bear. He looks so tired and weary. He's 76 now, he used to seem so young and invinsible to me. And now, I find myself wondering if his heart will just give out from the grief. I feel like my own heart is just going to collapse from the sadness sometimes. This year has been so very cruel to us all, hasn't it? Lock downs, quarentines, viruses, cancer, death, disease, divorces, it's bringing out the worst and the best of everyone. The world has made so much technical progress and made so little personal progression. My brother wasn't perfect, he had many flaws, but he was a fierce friend, loyal, passionate, and when he loved you, he loved you with his whole heart. But damn, when he got pissed off or angry, it was black and white, on or off, there was no middle ground with him. Dad could always calm him down, and he was always sorry afterwards and would just move on like it never happened. The doctor's said it was because of the aneurysm he had at 22, that should have killed him then. Only 1 out of 4 surive that, so he was a walking, talking miracle for 30 years. He leaves behind a legacy of love and hope, two children, and four grandchildren. And a hole in all our lives where we know he should be. God speed my brother --- I love you!

Life Goes On, and is bumpy!

Well the dissolution process has begun.
And it couldn't be more confusing.
All of it's electronic and i keep filing crap incorrectly.
and get that's wrong, sorry, should have been clearer.
So hopefully, sept. 12th brings a dissolution and then i'm back to single.
Not that i think it is anything to celebrate
i am going to stay single.

I am enjoying my down time.
I am seeing a chiropractor for my migraines.
I am more active in my church.
I am happy.

It's so nice to not just feel empty and depressed.
Everything still hurts and I'm still dying, but hey, it's not all bad.
We all take a step towards death every second of the day.
I am ready to sit back and just see what life brings.

Hope can bring happiness.

Friday and Ancient Aliens

I love Friday. I get a donut, a dr. pepper, and i watch Ancient Aliens all day while i work and then after work.
It's simple. It's lovely. It's my life these days.

I am still married. Why is it more expensive to divorce then to get married?
My marriage license was $50 and to file a dissolution is $250.
I feel like it never ends, the probate of my Husband's Mother's estate.
The dissolution hasn't even been filed yet.
And then i had to file bankruptcy to save the house.

I feel blessed I am able to stay in my house, eat, and be clothed.
I feel frustrated that i can't shake my depression, even with medication.
I hope once the probate and dissolution are completed i will feel lighter.
Right now i feel i have a mountain on my shoulders.

Well that was fast aka the honeymoon is over before it even began

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate liars!!!
I hate people who lie.
Especially after I have been really nice to them.

My husband's kids have a real problem with lying.
They do it habitually and think when they get caught they should not be punished.
After Thanksgiving, the 2 youngest kids decided to go live with their bio mom.
My hubs had a complete melt down.
There was a huge argument between him and the kids.
Both kids lied and said horrible things about me.

One of the kids said I slapped them.
I haven't slapped anyone since the 5th grade.
The other accused me of trashing the house.
I had tripped and broken a bowl earlier that day.
I have never had people tell such horrible awful lies about me before.
It really hurt my feelings.

My husband had to be hospitalized for his mental health breakdown.
The bio mom swooped in and took the kids and has had them ever since.
She has a restraining order against my husband.
He is all mopey and has reverted back to self destructive behavior.

We didn't even get to go on a honeymoon for crap's sake.

Now we are selling the house he inherited and everything in it.
But the bills on the house will swallow up 75% of the money.

I am just so over it.
I am over his pity party.
Ever since this happened he acts like he doesn't have to try anymore.
He doesn't go to therapy.
He barely takes his meds.
He lies to me repeatedly.

We have been married barely 6 months and I'm ready to get a divorce.
He's drinking again.
He acts like he's 18 instead of 37 but if I say anything to him about his immature behavior I'm the bad guy.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten married again.
I totally ignored my gut instincts, my promptings, and even total strangers warning me not to marry.
This sucks.

Ever After Has Begun

What craziness is this?
We got married at the end of September, over a month after his divorce was finalized.
Not much changes when you marry.
We have coitus now but everything else is pretty much the same.

I was thinking we wouldn't make it down the alter.
The day before we married we found out the man that was supposed to marry us had a invalid marriage license.
His name was wrong on it and it had the wrong church on it.
Who knew there was a Church of the Latter Day Dude!
DUDE!!!!

So we had to scramble and find another man in our church that was authorized to perform marriages.
I don't think he and I have ever prayed this much.
But the day of the wedding, 5 hours before the wedding, we found out we had someone to marry us.
We sealed the deal with a kiss that afternoon, took pictures, and ate food.

Note to self, there is no such thing as a small and simple wedding.
All Weddings are a pain in the butt.

Now we are settling down into the Ever After part, trying to figure out how to make all the pieces fit,
and being okay when something doesn't work.

It's a journey and it's one that will never be perfect, but we have each other and I hope that will be enough.