Pancreatic Cancer sucks!

My brother died one week before thanksgiving this year from pancreatic cancer. They found the spot on his pancreas one week after our cousin died in January and they gave him six to nine months, he lasted nearly 11 months. He was always stubborn, I am having such a hard time talking about him in past tense. I have a constant knot in my stomach, I can't eat, but I need to eat, but nothing sounds good. I miss him, I love him. I hate that he died at 52. Our Mom died at 48. Our Aunt, her sister, died at 47. It's all such a fucking tragedy, that so many in our family die so young. I worry about my Dad, he's had to bury both his parents, his wife, and now his son. It's nearly too much for a good man to bear. He looks so tired and weary. He's 76 now, he used to seem so young and invinsible to me. And now, I find myself wondering if his heart will just give out from the grief. I feel like my own heart is just going to collapse from the sadness sometimes. This year has been so very cruel to us all, hasn't it? Lock downs, quarentines, viruses, cancer, death, disease, divorces, it's bringing out the worst and the best of everyone. The world has made so much technical progress and made so little personal progression. My brother wasn't perfect, he had many flaws, but he was a fierce friend, loyal, passionate, and when he loved you, he loved you with his whole heart. But damn, when he got pissed off or angry, it was black and white, on or off, there was no middle ground with him. Dad could always calm him down, and he was always sorry afterwards and would just move on like it never happened. The doctor's said it was because of the aneurysm he had at 22, that should have killed him then. Only 1 out of 4 surive that, so he was a walking, talking miracle for 30 years. He leaves behind a legacy of love and hope, two children, and four grandchildren. And a hole in all our lives where we know he should be. God speed my brother --- I love you!

MRI surprise

Migraines this year have been 4 a month.
medications have been an epic failure.
my life has been turned upside down and dimmed by them.
they begin with pain and stiffness in my neck.
so the doctor finally sent me in for an mri to check for that elusive brain tumor.
and we get a brain aneurysm so now i get to go and get an mra.

all my migraine symptoms except for the neck pain and stiffness match warning headaches.
so for 11 months i've had this time bomb in my head and didn't even know it.
i must be brave.
who am i kidding i've been blubbering like a giant baby.
i don't have time for this.
i can't afford this.
but alas, here it is ready or not.

my brother had a ruptured aneurysm when he was 23 and he is disabled to this day.
so there is even more concern with the family history.
my brother's was genetic so i shouldn't be too surprised.
one of my doctor's asked her when she was going all her health issues and i went with her to an appointment
how many children she had, she said three, and he asked if all were blonde and blue eyed.
mom said no, her middle son had dark hair and eyes like my dad.
he said that the two blonde kids would inherit all or most of the health issues since we inherited
the recessive genes from both sides.
and he has been so right.
my oldest brother and i are the two fair ones and we are sick all the time.
but my middle brother has had few health issues, he just finished a marathon.

i don't know where this is going but i can use all the prayers and well wishes i can get.