Pancreatic Cancer sucks!

My brother died one week before thanksgiving this year from pancreatic cancer. They found the spot on his pancreas one week after our cousin died in January and they gave him six to nine months, he lasted nearly 11 months. He was always stubborn, I am having such a hard time talking about him in past tense. I have a constant knot in my stomach, I can't eat, but I need to eat, but nothing sounds good. I miss him, I love him. I hate that he died at 52. Our Mom died at 48. Our Aunt, her sister, died at 47. It's all such a fucking tragedy, that so many in our family die so young. I worry about my Dad, he's had to bury both his parents, his wife, and now his son. It's nearly too much for a good man to bear. He looks so tired and weary. He's 76 now, he used to seem so young and invinsible to me. And now, I find myself wondering if his heart will just give out from the grief. I feel like my own heart is just going to collapse from the sadness sometimes. This year has been so very cruel to us all, hasn't it? Lock downs, quarentines, viruses, cancer, death, disease, divorces, it's bringing out the worst and the best of everyone. The world has made so much technical progress and made so little personal progression. My brother wasn't perfect, he had many flaws, but he was a fierce friend, loyal, passionate, and when he loved you, he loved you with his whole heart. But damn, when he got pissed off or angry, it was black and white, on or off, there was no middle ground with him. Dad could always calm him down, and he was always sorry afterwards and would just move on like it never happened. The doctor's said it was because of the aneurysm he had at 22, that should have killed him then. Only 1 out of 4 surive that, so he was a walking, talking miracle for 30 years. He leaves behind a legacy of love and hope, two children, and four grandchildren. And a hole in all our lives where we know he should be. God speed my brother --- I love you!

teeth

my teeth hurt. i think something is stuck in between the 2 front caps. thanks to my brother, won't be specific as to which one, who shot my 2 front teeth out at the tender age of 10 with a bb gun, i've been plagued with dental issues.

my teeth aren't at their best. the caps are 21 years old, i had them put on at 16. i don't eat anything hard, like popcorn, or pulley, like taffy. my teeth are hot and cold sensitive. i have trouble biting into things like apples. you'd think i'd lose weight, but no, pizza and macaroni and cheese don't take that much biting into.

i frequently have nightmares of all my teeth falling out. and i loathe the dentist. i've spent so many hours in the dentist chair. now i don't go but every couple of years. and the latest trip the dentist told me i needed nearly $2K of work done. i got borderline cavities. i got borderline gum disease. what i don't have is the almost $1K (my portion after insurance) to get the work done. i can only go to my six month check up's and get basic cleanings.

i hate the thought of losing my teeth. i hate the pain. i hate the bleeding when i brush my teeth. it sucks. and only proves how long childhood scars can last. my teeth will always be capped until they fall out. it's shaped my life in so many ways. i will always be scarred by it. but i forgave my brother a long time ago. i just have to hope my teeth last.