I Give Up

I give up.
I'm getting fixed.
The decision has been made.
The tests have been done.

There is nothing keeping me from having another child physically.
The tests showed no tumors, cysts, fibroids, cancers, blockages, etc.
My uterus is tilted and prolapsed which could make it difficult to carry to term.
But I'm 41 despite every time I go to my OB-GYN she keeps thinking I'm only in my early 30's.
I'm flattered I look so young, but I've had to correct her 3 times now.
She keeps saying are you sure you want to do the hysterectomy you're what 32-33 and I go I'm 41.
And she's like I'm sorry I keep doing that with you don't I, and I'm like yes, and she goes, you look so young.
Which again, is flattering, but really, read the top of the chart, not just the cliff notes.

So my uterus and cervix will come out but I keep my ovaries and fallopian tubes.
This will fix all my issues.
My awful, painful, extensive, blood bath periods.
I go through jumbo pad which the last bag I went through was labeled a 3 month supply based on average use.
Well, my periods aren't average.

I have to take tramadol for the pain and muscle relaxers for the cramps.
I have to change pads every hour or I bleed through them and then my pants.
Plus, the doctor said removing the uterus will take care of the prolapse which could help the pressure issue I have during sex and the leaking issue I have.
She said it might not fix all of my leak issues but it could help quite a bit.

I have the insurance now.
I have the ability to work from home for the 4-6 week recovery period now.
I have the support with my friends and daughter in place now.
I don't know if I will have that 5-6 years which is when the 2nd option will wear off.

The 2nd choice was to have my tubes tied and get an uterine ablation.
The uterine ablation itself can cause bleeding, cramping, pain, organ damage, infections and weight gain.
I have type 2 diabetes I'm working very hard to lose weight.
Any options that cause weight gain the doctor and I pretty much eliminated.
Plus, if it wears off before I start menopause I could have periods again.
I have no idea from my family history what the average age of menopause is, most the woman in my family had hysterectomies after giving birth at some point and usually by my age at the latest.

I wish I had more children, but that wasn't meant to me.
I had a year to deal with that and come to terms with it.
This is the best for my health.
Maybe someday my kid will give me a grandchild, maybe not.
I feel blessed to have been a Mother to the one child I have.
I have to do what is right for me and this is what is good for my health.

feeling good about the labor day weekend

work is going at a good clip now. getting loads done. my mouth and foot are recovering nicely from their blisters. i got blood drawn today to see if my vitamin D levels have increased. I should find that out by tomorrow afternoon. If not, i don't know what else i can do. I have been out in the sun without sunscreen to absorb vitamin d the best i can without burning. i haven't been this tanned (if u can call it that) since college. i hope it is better. i might have to start taking a daily multi-vitamin on top of the weekly vitamin d supplement. but that could be a good thing for me.

i weened myself off all medications. i go sept. 22nd to see how my chlosterol and tryglcerides are doing without the medication. i walk 2-4 miles through the weekdays and 5 miles on the weekend. i do the wii toning and strength training every thursday. i lost 2 pounds this past week. my new goal is 5 pounds over the next two weeks. i am getting all the last kinks out of my junk food cravings. when the kid heads off to school in 2 weeks the cable will be shut off and the junk food will go with her.

there's not much that tempts me, but i went to the grocery whilst pms'ing and got nutter butters, choc, chip cookies, and miniture snickers and milky ways. so far, she has eaten more then i have which is a good thing. i've been proud of my restraint. although, dipping a nutter butter into nutella is a slice of HEAVEN!!! try it!

i get to start my holiday weekend at 2pm tomorrow. i still have to keep an eye periodically on the system, but the weekend looks to be mostly work free. the kid goes to her paternal grandma's for one last visit prior to going off to hocking tech college. i drop her off 7pm tomorrow and pick her up around 5 on monday. so i'm alone!

i'm planning to go to the dog park, walk, wii, read, study scripture, and friday after i get off work i'm doing laundry and getting the house cleaning done so I don't have to do that crap during the weekend. when the kid isn't here the house stays clean. i know how to pick up after myself! the dog tends to drag out toys and she looks offended when i vacuum but i think she doesn't mind a clean house either.

i'm down to my last 12 pack of dt. soda pop. i've tried this challenge before and it was a HUGE failure! no more pop/coke/soda (etc..) this is the last 12 pack. not only will i save money (which will help with the kid at school) but my teeth with thank me. it'll be just water and skim milk. boring right, but it is what i need to do. i need to keep challenging myself. i've got the exercising going, the healthy eating is in full swing, i am working on my biggest flaws (per the people that I work with) and now i will control what i drink!!!

i'm going to go girl myself right now cuz i deserve it!!!

15 days of blood

my period started july 28th and has continued, it stopped for a 1/2 day on august 1st and again on august 4th, but started again!!!

it just won't end. i am being weened off of medication and i think thata is the cause,but i think i'm going to call the ob/gyn tomorrow morning.

the bleeding is getting heavier and the cramps are getting more painful. i think my uterus is trying to escape!!!

it sucks to be female sometimes.

i have run out of pads twice. it's like the period that will not end, it goes on and on my friends!!!

Cramps

i hate life right now. i'm almost 40 and i get cramps like i'm in my 20's still. i started a birth control pill 2 months ago that was supposed to reduce cramping and the length of my period. So far, it gave me 2 periods and a trip to the hospital in November and now my Dec. period is really painful and crampy. I go to the doctor this coming Friday and see if I give it 1 more full month or kick it's sorry ass to the curb. I'm too old for this shit.

i fell down

wow, i was hoping one day i'd outgrow my accident prone clumsy self. but i guess not. 5am today i got up, went potty, brought the dog downstairs so she could do the same, and when i stepped out onto the patio to pick up her leash, while i was holding her by the collar, i tripped over my own foot and fell HARD!!!!

The dog ran off. I landed on the my right knee and elbow, rolled and ended up on by back near the grass with my feet in the dirt on the side. and the worse thing was i was in my pj's and i had no underwear on, so my ass was cold, since my pj's was a pull over with no bottoms. ugh!!!

so i managed to finally get up and the dog is NO WHERE in sight. I call for her, nothing. Great!!! I come in wipe up some of the blood off my knee and elbow, take my medicine, drink some water and wonder what the hell to do about the dog.

i go out back and whistle and call for her -- NOTHING!!!

i go out front and whistle and call for her -- i hear the jingle of her license on her collar, thank God!!!

She actually comes to me. She was one front porch over, sniffing. She came right to me, and let me pick her up!!!! and we came in the house. Needless to say, I was so proud of her, so i gave her part of a cookie for being such a good girl.

We go upstairs and wake up my daughter to see if she knows where the first aid kit is, she doesn't and she's bitchy about me waking her up.

I go in my bathroom to clean my scrapes that look alot like the ones I used to get when i was 7 - 10 years old and i'd fall off my bike. gab brings me a small first aid kit with band aids and cleaning alcohol wipes.

i'm finally in bed, ready to try to go back to sleep since it's almost 6 am now.
and sophie is still wound up. so i get up to check on her and she pee'd and pooped. i guess she was too shaken up when she was outside to bother going to the bathroom. but i can't be mad at her, this one was all my clumsy ass fault.

so i clean up her mess and we get back in bed and she steps on my knee, ouch!!!!

but i must off fallen back to sleep cuz the next thing i know it's 7:45 and the alarm is going off. now my hip and should are throbbing and my scrapes have turned red. so i clean them with the alcohol wipes, talk about burn baby burn!

and come downstairs and sign on to work, and very CAREFULLY but the dog on the leash.

i know i grumble at the office and to anyone who will listen about how accident prone my daughter is, but i can't do that anymore, because she's just like her mother!

What's buggin me?

bugs. I hate when they get inside and fly around. I killed one that landed in my cooking magazine by slamming the pages shut. After I scraped it's guts out the pages where covered in bug blood, so gross. I cleaned it as best as I could, but I ripped those 2 pages out and threw them away. No cheesy tomato beef bake or ham and cheese fold over sandwiches or beef pot pie with potato biscuit crust for me. I could write them down, but i lose handwritten recipes. I need them to be in a book or magazine or they just get misplaced.

And why is it when ever I have the fly swatter I never see a fly or any other bug. But the moment I cannot find the fly swatter or I am sitting all the way across the room from it I see a fly or bug??? Are the bugs that smart???

Bugs belong outside!!!! No exceptions!!!!

I'm too old for zits and pimples!!!

I loathe getting acne. Getting acne over the age of 25 should just be biologically impossible. And my pimples and zits form in the most uncomfortable places. The edge at the bottom of my nose. The corner of my mouth. Or worse I can feel a pimple under my skin, but it won't come to a head, but it hurts. I keep putting hot water on it, hoping to draw it out, so I can pop the son of a bitch, but it continues to defy. I admit I don't get alot of acne, Thank GOD!!! But I'm almost 38, and the fact that every month about a week before my period I get some huge ass pimple somewhere on my face, neck or ears just pisses me off!!!

I also think that since I'm done having children I should just be able to tell my body to go into menopause. I shouldn't have to wait or have surgery. I should just be able to will myself into it. Life as a woman is so unfair. My brother said that it's wrong when something bleeds so much and doesn't die, of course, he was talking about his female dog, but it could apply to woman in general as well. He knew that too. That's why I got my dog fixed as soon as I could. Three females in one house PMSin' at the same time - NO WAY!!! One of us had to get fixed, I pointed to my kid, and she pointed to the dog. Plus, the dog wouldn't keep her little female pads on, she'd rip them off and up. Huge mess!!!

Now I'm off to mess with this pre-pimple. I got two this month. Aren't I blessed!

teeth

my teeth hurt. i think something is stuck in between the 2 front caps. thanks to my brother, won't be specific as to which one, who shot my 2 front teeth out at the tender age of 10 with a bb gun, i've been plagued with dental issues.

my teeth aren't at their best. the caps are 21 years old, i had them put on at 16. i don't eat anything hard, like popcorn, or pulley, like taffy. my teeth are hot and cold sensitive. i have trouble biting into things like apples. you'd think i'd lose weight, but no, pizza and macaroni and cheese don't take that much biting into.

i frequently have nightmares of all my teeth falling out. and i loathe the dentist. i've spent so many hours in the dentist chair. now i don't go but every couple of years. and the latest trip the dentist told me i needed nearly $2K of work done. i got borderline cavities. i got borderline gum disease. what i don't have is the almost $1K (my portion after insurance) to get the work done. i can only go to my six month check up's and get basic cleanings.

i hate the thought of losing my teeth. i hate the pain. i hate the bleeding when i brush my teeth. it sucks. and only proves how long childhood scars can last. my teeth will always be capped until they fall out. it's shaped my life in so many ways. i will always be scarred by it. but i forgave my brother a long time ago. i just have to hope my teeth last.