Frozen Shoulder

i've been depressed, bored, and stuck in status quo land.
my shoulder which has been persistently getting worse since it pulled and burned at the end of april
has an official diagnosis of frozen shoulder.
i.e. torture via physical therapy and if that doesn't work, knock me out, stretch it out, more torture with physical therapy
and if it is still messed up, cut it open and cut the scar tissue up.
oh the joy, more surgery, and by the time this plays all out will be in a new year so there will be new max out of pockets.
so sick of being in pain and having the stupidest shit go wrong with my body.

i've been working so hard to get a handle on my type 2 diabetes but i keep just hitting these bumps.
at least the migraines are few and far between now.
they aren't gone completely, God Forbid, I get cured of anything.
i am losing some weight, not enough, but it is coming off.
i'm doing what the diabetes site recommends with carbs but i still think it is too many carbs.
my body seems to not be able to handle that many carbs at all.

it is moments like these i wish i'd treated myself better after my mother's death.
i got so depressed for so long i just lost myself to it.
i went so long without addressing my issues that by the time i got help i'd forgotten what it was like to be healthy.
now when i feel better it almost feels wrong like that's the broken me and the sick me is the normal me.
i've gotten so used to misery i don't know what it is like to live without it.

just to summon the interest to log in and blog has taken me months.
i don't want to tell the doctor and get more pills.
all my pills now are non-psychological which i'd like to keep that way.
but if i can't shake this depressive mood where all i do is sleep and stare into nothingness for hours...

all my little joys have evaporated and dispersed into the clouds now they rain down upon someone else's day.

an update that's long overdue

surgery went fine and i feel great.
it was a rough first 2 weeks after especially not being able to drive.
and if i pushed myself too far my body bitch slapped my right back.
the pain was tolerable, just like the worst period i'd ever had.
the doctor and nurses were amazed at how well i handled it all.
i was pretty surprised as well.
i didn't need the heavy drugs that much in the hospital.
i didn't touch the oxycodone she sent home with me.
i did you my tramadol and muscle relaxer some but not alot.
my shoulder got messed up from being on the couch so much and twisting to do the computer.

my dad helped a lot.
the kid did what she could.
i was walking the dog again by week 3.
but not for long walks.
she tugs and pulls way too much.
and i had to lie down as soon as we got back.
the dog caught on really quick that she had to stay off my stomach.

i am now back at work and life is back to normal minus my female cycle.
i do not miss it at all.
i have only had 2 migraines since.
one in the hospital cause they wouldn't let me take my medicine.
the doctor was called and said let her take her medicine.
i finally was allowed to take it but the migraine had started so they gave me pain pills.
i had another one the first month after when my period would have been due,
but it was mild and went away with the replax after an hour.

since then no more migraine (insert happy dance here)
i feel so much better.
i'm saving a fortune on female products.
i am sending out nearly $500 a month in medical payments.
but hopefully they will be paid off by the end of the year.
a few of the smaller ones are already paid off.
but surgery isn't cheap.

right now i'm stressed out between work and stuff in the house breaking.
garbage disposal, air conditioner needs a new coil, dish washer isn't draining
at work the company is struggling and i had to take a pay cut
and then i have all these medical bills that i am paying
so i have gotten depressed so i've been getting colds and allergies and sinus infections
i'm sleeping a lot and not doing well controlling my type 2 diabetes
which sucks
but i'm trying to pull out of it and do better
i just have to do better

I Only Speak Up in My Mind

I see injustice and rudeness all the time, but i only speak up in my mind.
I don't like confrontation. I know I should say what I'm thinking and stop it, but I just shake my head and move on. What is it about me that makes me run and hide at the mere thought of calling someone out on their behavior? I'm a coward.

The only time I feel comfortable telling someone off is if they're younger then me. Like the two girls here that got into a girl fight. I broke it off. And told the girl that started it that she is to use her words and not her fists and the next time she came on the property she'd be arrested for trespassing. if that had been two adults fighting i would have just walked away. their adults, let them beat the crap out of each other. why do i care?!

the older i get the odder and more set in my ways i become.
my phobias grow and i want to stay in my home all the time.
i want to buy a house and never leave it.
if i had the money to do that i'd get everything off the internet.
i know this is not healthy. we are to want human contact, but i don't.
every time i try to meet people and put myself "out there" i get hurt.
you'd think i'd have tougher skin by now but i don't.

i'm twisted and broken down.
i don't want to interact with anyone in person.
people are rude, selfish, disgusting, and full of germs.
i am too, but they're my germs so i must live with them.
even my own kid is getting on my last nerve lately.

i guess i just hope this is a phase and my new medication will kick in and it'll pass!

The Bottom of the World

I feel like i'm at the bottom of the world and every one and every thing is pressing down on me. I can't move. I can't feel. I force myself to breath and it takes all my effort! I'm so worn out! Exhaustion doesn't begin to cover this overwhelming desire to sleep all the time. Today is the first day in over a month I've had any energy. I got a lot accomplished. Now I'm ready to sleep again for another month.

This disease I have has swallowed me whole again.
I swallow the anti-depressant every night at 7:30 in the evening. Some days that's the only time I get out of bed. My head hurts every day. I try different over the counter medications to no effect. The doctor says it'll take time as it always does to overcome the depression. I keep thinking one of these days I'll have no more time to wait it out.

Nothing motivates me.
Nothing interests me.
Nothing excites me.
Nothingness is all that gets me.

I haven't written creatively in awhile either.
I hate the side effects of the medication that's supposed to save me.
The lull I fall into kills me and placates me.
I feel as if the keys on the computer are like the keys on a piano; this is how I make my music. This is how I soothe my hurting soul. I don't know what to do when I can't do this, I feel lost!

A wave of apathy has swept all of me out to sea and no one is coming to rescue me!

Parasites and Me

I didn't take the new job opportunity because of all my gastrointestinal issues i've been having since june. i break down and go to the doctor to get it checked out. doctor schedules several tests, takes my blood, asks for a stool sample, and a colonoscopy.

i get a call this morning from my counties infectious disease center, i have a highly contagious parasite, Giardia lamblia, i'm a host!

i probably got it from Sophie the puggle, who i was letting play and drink from the creek out back and the pond next door when we had that really really hot streak. bad idea, they are going to come out and test the water for it.

luckily i don't work at a daycare or handle food in my job so i can still work. but i had to call my doctor's office, my doctor is on vacation this week, and ask another doctor to call me in a prescription for a strong antibiotic.

i had to call the vet and they wanted a stool sample from sophie, a fresh one, so she finally pooped and i took that in and that test is $52 and we will take her to the vet on saturday to find out if she is indeed the source, and possibly a carrier of it. i wonder how much the exam and everything will cost me. but she's got to get rid of them too or i can get reinfected.

new rule, sophie and i don't share food anymore, she is getting her own little leftover bowl!!!

now my man is worried, more like my lover, is freaking out if he could have them. i told him it is passed through poop. and if you are not clean and wash your hands after the bathroom and handle foods and such. he should be fine. sex doesn't pass it unless you are into kinky stuff and we are not.

the only reason sophie gave it to me is she eats her poop sometimes and i feed her off of my spoon and fork then feed myself. which is gross, but i was doing it anyways. wow, it is great to have a diagnosis, but i'm freaking out over it!

i'm on the antibiotic for 7 days. and i got to wash my hands after every bathroom use. and i cleaned all the toilets.

cleanliness, cleanliness, cleanliness.

The Common Cold

i have a cold, so very common of me, i know.
i feel like my body is being attacked.
my little immune system tries to defend, but i'm not yet on the mend.
i feel detached and sedated, but i'm not medicated.
i worry if i don't eat that i'll waste away.

i have a sore throat.
i have a nasty cough.
i have aches and pains.
i have a stuffy nose.
no headache, that's new.
no fever too.

just a laundry list of hacking and achoo's.
this cold has made me blue.
i don't know what to do.
orange juice is my new best friend.
i'd really love a popsicle too.
i sit in silence zoned out in illness' space.
a look of abandonment rest upon my face.
i wish i could sleep more then an hour or two.

i have no idea why i'm trying to make all of this rhyme.
i don't even have two dimes.
all i want to do is sleep and dream of fine dining,
but all i can stomach is toast and frozen pineapple.
this cause is lost!
i am being held hostage by the common cold and i want my freedom!!!

Pictures are Worth It

well, my latest and greatest sexual adventure is going well.
he comes over about 2 times a week.
we have sex, i sometimes get multiple orgasms, i at least get one,
but he always aims to please.
we are even taking dirty pictures of ourselves.
for our own pleasure of course.

i sprained my lower back by over exerting it.
and i'm sure slipping in the bath tub didn't help.
so i'm on muscle relaxers and pain killers.
i've been high as a kite all week.
i'm being very careful now to ween myself off them.
my lower back is popping and cracking like crazy.
now the pain is dull and throbbing whereas before it was sharp and stabbing pain.
i like to think that is progress.

next week i'm taking a couple of vacation days.
going to get my nieces and we are going to go see a soccer game.
i hope they like it.

here's hoping next week brings me health and more orgasms!

i screwed it up like always

so Monday goes by and he doesn't show. he finally fb's me to say he's still at work.
by now i'm getting a migraine, so i decide to take the medication the doctor gave me for when i feel the start of a migraine. i take two as directed.

about 2 hours later the doorbell rings and it's him. or i think it's him. i was stoned out of my ever loving mind.
i couldn't talk. i don't know how i was walking. i don't know if it was a dream or if it really happened.
i'm hoping it was an hallucination, which is a side effect of the meds, along with slurred speech, sharp stabbing pains in my arms, drowsiness, weakness, dizziness, numbness, and my favorite a decrease in sexual ability.

i had all the above and according to the internet i should have gone to the emergency room.
but instead i think i tried and failed miserably to have sex with scott.
and i was so looking forward to it.
i don't even know if he popped my ass cherry.
it's not like i could feel it, i couldn't feel anything.
i was high, i was numb.

i did pass out.
and i woke up with no migraine.
so that part worked.
but i threw them in trash
the side effects aren't worth it.

i sent scott a fb apology.
if he was here i really fucked it up.
i think i give up.
we shouldn't have to work this hard to be together.
i'm too lazy for it.

A Car, A Boy, and Sex

wow, thursday afternoon began a crazy weekend. scott showed up to get his money for the car.
he threw me face down on the bed, pulled my pants down, got busy, pulled my hair and choked me.
i ain't ever been taken like that and i LIKED it!!! damn!

after work i went and got the kid and her boyfriend. he's okay. of course, i'm not going to be crazy about the boy that took my daughter's virginity, but he's better then that douche she dated in high school. she's very bossy with him, but he stands up to her, which is exactly what she needs. but feeding them is expensive, not to mention she went to the doctor friday and she has bronchitis and a sinus infection, so i had to get her meds too. and he's got a cough, so i bought him cough drops and cough meds. he's going to the doctor next weekend. sophie the puggle really likes him, cuz he pets her all the time.

friday, scott came over and we went over to his best friends' house to get the title on the car. his friend and his wife seemed really nice. i didn't talk much, i just observed. he and scott have been best friends for over 15 years.
scott says he moved to ohio because his best friend did. and scott introduced his best friend to his wife when he worked with his wife. they're really close.

i wondered if they liked scott's current live in girlfriend. and if they like me or not. scott and i just talked while we were in the car. it was nice. we usually are busy fooling around and don't really talk.

i told him my kid is bossy with her boyfriend and he said she's dominant then, and i said, yes she takes after me.
he couldn't stop laughing, he said you aren't dominant, and i said i usually am the dominant one, but i'm not with you.
he is the exception to my one rule, to not be submissive to a man or let him have power over me.

he has shattered my one rule to a million pieces.

he didn't believe that i'm normally the dominant one in a relationship. if he talked to anyone i've dated in the past, except bret, he'd see different. i had such high hopes for bret being my one exception, but he was NOT dominant in the bedroom. it was a let down.

so saturday i went and got the temp tags for the car, my driver's license renewed, and my registration done. a very expensive trip, and next month to get the plates and registration on the new car is $110. my kid is always costing me money, but i love her.

we had to jump start the car because it had been sitting for a week. i put $20 of gas in it then they followed me to the dog park, because it has a huge parking lot for the kid to learn to drive the manual car in it. they let sophie play at the dog park then they practised driving. she keeps stalling it and had trouble with 3rd and 4th gear.

so i asked scott to come down and take her out for a driving lesson without the boyfriend. they were gone about an hour. he said she can do it, she just has to focus, he had her on a hill and she did fine. so he said let her drive to wal-mart with me in the car and don't say anything.

his exact words to me "get in, hold on, shut up"

i did that and the boyfriend kept talking. we almost rolled back into a car. so they did a chinese fire drill at a light. but it's progress!!!!

today they go have lunch with the boyfriend's mom, she hasn't met him yet. then they go back to campus. i told her she has to keep gas in the car. i will have my peace and quiet back by 3pm, yipee!!!!

just in time for me to sign into work!

the migraine is winning

i went on a date last night, me and my migraine.
he was sweet. i had toast and scrambled eggs since i've not been able to eat much.
by the time he picked me up i'd been up nearly 40 hours.
i tried to be engaging, but i can't really remember much about what he said.
he insisted i try a ibprofun pm and we went to kroger's and he bought me a small bottle.
he insisted i had to take 3.
i gave him a hug and we made tentative plans to go out again next week (he's out of town over the weekend)

he left and i got so sick. my dinner didn't not stick around to put it in the least grossest terms i can think of.
i took a hot shower, 3 of the pm tablets and hoped for the best.
i laid down at 9, last look at the clock was 10:38, i woke up at 2:14am sicker then when i went to bed.
i got sick again, and my migraine was worse.
i tried to go back to sleep, around 5AM i drifted off for almost 2 hours.
but my migraine is winning.
if it's not gone tomorrow i'm going to have to cave and go to urgent care for a shot.
i hate this one, it's the worst migraine i've had in years.

i don't even remember his last name. he did text me this morning to see how i was.
he thought for sure the pm pills would work cuz it works on his migraines.
i told him my body reacts to medication differently from most people.
it tends to wear off faster, he asked if i was superwoman, i said nope, just a cuzin.

he seemed nice, maybe next time we go out i won't feel like shit!

feeling good about the labor day weekend

work is going at a good clip now. getting loads done. my mouth and foot are recovering nicely from their blisters. i got blood drawn today to see if my vitamin D levels have increased. I should find that out by tomorrow afternoon. If not, i don't know what else i can do. I have been out in the sun without sunscreen to absorb vitamin d the best i can without burning. i haven't been this tanned (if u can call it that) since college. i hope it is better. i might have to start taking a daily multi-vitamin on top of the weekly vitamin d supplement. but that could be a good thing for me.

i weened myself off all medications. i go sept. 22nd to see how my chlosterol and tryglcerides are doing without the medication. i walk 2-4 miles through the weekdays and 5 miles on the weekend. i do the wii toning and strength training every thursday. i lost 2 pounds this past week. my new goal is 5 pounds over the next two weeks. i am getting all the last kinks out of my junk food cravings. when the kid heads off to school in 2 weeks the cable will be shut off and the junk food will go with her.

there's not much that tempts me, but i went to the grocery whilst pms'ing and got nutter butters, choc, chip cookies, and miniture snickers and milky ways. so far, she has eaten more then i have which is a good thing. i've been proud of my restraint. although, dipping a nutter butter into nutella is a slice of HEAVEN!!! try it!

i get to start my holiday weekend at 2pm tomorrow. i still have to keep an eye periodically on the system, but the weekend looks to be mostly work free. the kid goes to her paternal grandma's for one last visit prior to going off to hocking tech college. i drop her off 7pm tomorrow and pick her up around 5 on monday. so i'm alone!

i'm planning to go to the dog park, walk, wii, read, study scripture, and friday after i get off work i'm doing laundry and getting the house cleaning done so I don't have to do that crap during the weekend. when the kid isn't here the house stays clean. i know how to pick up after myself! the dog tends to drag out toys and she looks offended when i vacuum but i think she doesn't mind a clean house either.

i'm down to my last 12 pack of dt. soda pop. i've tried this challenge before and it was a HUGE failure! no more pop/coke/soda (etc..) this is the last 12 pack. not only will i save money (which will help with the kid at school) but my teeth with thank me. it'll be just water and skim milk. boring right, but it is what i need to do. i need to keep challenging myself. i've got the exercising going, the healthy eating is in full swing, i am working on my biggest flaws (per the people that I work with) and now i will control what i drink!!!

i'm going to go girl myself right now cuz i deserve it!!!