Frozen Shoulder

i've been depressed, bored, and stuck in status quo land.
my shoulder which has been persistently getting worse since it pulled and burned at the end of april
has an official diagnosis of frozen shoulder.
i.e. torture via physical therapy and if that doesn't work, knock me out, stretch it out, more torture with physical therapy
and if it is still messed up, cut it open and cut the scar tissue up.
oh the joy, more surgery, and by the time this plays all out will be in a new year so there will be new max out of pockets.
so sick of being in pain and having the stupidest shit go wrong with my body.

i've been working so hard to get a handle on my type 2 diabetes but i keep just hitting these bumps.
at least the migraines are few and far between now.
they aren't gone completely, God Forbid, I get cured of anything.
i am losing some weight, not enough, but it is coming off.
i'm doing what the diabetes site recommends with carbs but i still think it is too many carbs.
my body seems to not be able to handle that many carbs at all.

it is moments like these i wish i'd treated myself better after my mother's death.
i got so depressed for so long i just lost myself to it.
i went so long without addressing my issues that by the time i got help i'd forgotten what it was like to be healthy.
now when i feel better it almost feels wrong like that's the broken me and the sick me is the normal me.
i've gotten so used to misery i don't know what it is like to live without it.

just to summon the interest to log in and blog has taken me months.
i don't want to tell the doctor and get more pills.
all my pills now are non-psychological which i'd like to keep that way.
but if i can't shake this depressive mood where all i do is sleep and stare into nothingness for hours...

all my little joys have evaporated and dispersed into the clouds now they rain down upon someone else's day.

Idea to Break the Tie

hello all.
it has been awhile.
i've been stuck at the 195-200 pound range for nearly 3 months now.
i blame several things, the weather, the holidays, the emotional roller coaster i've been on,
but blame won't make me lose more weight.
blame has been my crutch to excuse my lack of effort in jan.
but now it is feb. and on with the show.

i have figured out how to get myself fired up and to push through the last 30-35 pounds i have to lose.
i call it the snacks diet.

i will eat one meal a day that is 500 calories or less and 50 carbs or less.
this will either be breakfast or lunch, never after 2 pm.

i will then have 4 snack size meals through the rest of the day at least 3 hours apart.
they will be less then 175 calories and 15 carbs.

this will total 1200 calories and 110 carbs every day.

this should jolt my system back into dropping pounds.

i've also gotten lazy with my exercise.
i will do the wii for at least 30 minutes 4 days a week.
and then use netflix fitness videos for the other 3 days a week.
this will introduce some new work outs into my routine and thus stave off the boredom.

it begins when i go to the grocery store.
i have no food in the house.

i've been eating at 8pm, and going out to eat too much.
i've just been lazy lazy lazy.

it has to stop.
i got to carry this through.
i can do this!!!