Vacation Musings

We went for a in state vacation, just me and the kid.
We only went 2 hours away back down to where we used to live.
Sounded like a solid plan.
The place has an indoor water park.
There are tons of places to shop.

We'd visit family, shop, relax in the water park.
Simple, easy, relaxing.
No, No, and HELL NO!!!

I warned my kid there would be REAL children EVERYWHERE!

This place has an indoor waterpark, duh!

She thought the kids would just be in the waterpark.
They were all around the place, the halls, the foyer, the stairwells.
There are these wands they can buy and go on these adventures in the hallways.
We almost got whacked with some wands.
My kid who is a full grown adult and now was ready to kill some real children.

It didn't help that the kids were rude, pushy, and ran over you to get where they wanted to go.
And most parents were no where to be found.

It was not a peaceful place to stay, but she had her mind made up she wanted to stay there.
We could have stayed at her aunt's for free and just gone shopping.
There was one adult area, a hot tub, that teenagers and even 1 small child snuck into.
If my kid was say 5-11 years old it would have been the perfect place to take her.
But it was miserable.
There were children running around like crazy all hours.
The hallways were so loud you could hear through the walls.

I slept 14 hours when we got home.
All did when we got home was sleep and do laundry.
She was cranky the whole trip and I've been cranky the whole time we've been home.

I told her next vaction she is on her own.
she can take a friend and go all by herself.
I'm not paying that kind of money just to listen to her complain the whole time.

My back still aches from how soft the stupid mattress was!

And my kid has restated she is NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER HAVING CHILDREN LIKE EVER!!!!

Frozen Shoulder

i've been depressed, bored, and stuck in status quo land.
my shoulder which has been persistently getting worse since it pulled and burned at the end of april
has an official diagnosis of frozen shoulder.
i.e. torture via physical therapy and if that doesn't work, knock me out, stretch it out, more torture with physical therapy
and if it is still messed up, cut it open and cut the scar tissue up.
oh the joy, more surgery, and by the time this plays all out will be in a new year so there will be new max out of pockets.
so sick of being in pain and having the stupidest shit go wrong with my body.

i've been working so hard to get a handle on my type 2 diabetes but i keep just hitting these bumps.
at least the migraines are few and far between now.
they aren't gone completely, God Forbid, I get cured of anything.
i am losing some weight, not enough, but it is coming off.
i'm doing what the diabetes site recommends with carbs but i still think it is too many carbs.
my body seems to not be able to handle that many carbs at all.

it is moments like these i wish i'd treated myself better after my mother's death.
i got so depressed for so long i just lost myself to it.
i went so long without addressing my issues that by the time i got help i'd forgotten what it was like to be healthy.
now when i feel better it almost feels wrong like that's the broken me and the sick me is the normal me.
i've gotten so used to misery i don't know what it is like to live without it.

just to summon the interest to log in and blog has taken me months.
i don't want to tell the doctor and get more pills.
all my pills now are non-psychological which i'd like to keep that way.
but if i can't shake this depressive mood where all i do is sleep and stare into nothingness for hours...

all my little joys have evaporated and dispersed into the clouds now they rain down upon someone else's day.

Happy New Years 2011 RIP

Here's what i sent Scott today via Facebook -
my new year's resolution is to get a boyfriend. and that's not u. so u r hereby cut off. please don't come around anymore. i will bring down the rest of the money i owe u when i get it. like u said it's not fair and i deserve more then 5 minutes. have a great new year and i wish u and beverly a long boring life together.


now it is time to become invisible to him.
new walk the dog routine.
silence is queen.

i'm lonely.
i have to find a man to be here with me.
instead i keep finding men that want to use me.
it is time to turn it around.

i'm depressed.
today i will wallow in my misery.
tomorrow i will pick myself up and overcome this disease.
i deserve better!!!

Self-inflicted misery

why do i do this to myself? i know the meat is too spicy for me, but i eat it anyways. and it attacks my stomach and causes me to puke. i burn and twist with misery. i know the food will do this but it sounded so good. i do this to me all the time. especially when it comes to food. i know i have to give up certain foods, to save my teeth (pop), to save my heart (cheese) and just to be healthy (choc, pizza, fast food) but yet i sit at the edge, hesitant to commit.

i'm always hesitant to commit to anything. i have been engaged 4 times and only married once, that ended in divorce. i don't like to join clubs that cost money, in case, i change my mind, then i'm out of that money, like curves for a recent example. now i'm hesitating on picking furniture, because i don't know if i can just stick to one color. i didn't like my last sectional. it was alright for like a year then the color and size just started to annoy me. i didn't pick it out, the ex did that, that could have explained my increased hostility towards the furniture. i have issues, i know that, and i try to work on them, but i always end back where i started.

it's like i'm in a infinite self-inflicted loop of misery, saddness, lonliness, depression, over eating, emotional eating, flabby, fatty and over spending existence. i don't even know if that makes any sense. i just get so tired of repeating my mistakes and not even realizing it until afterwards. hindsight is truly 20/20 in my case.