Love and Star Wars

Well, it has been awhile, and I have a new boyfriend, like around the time I last wrote.
It's going good. He is a HUGE Star Wars fan!!!!
He is my kind of geeky, lol.
I am totally in love with him.

He has 3 teenagers, 2 girls and a boy.
He does live 2.5 hours away.
So it is hard to get to go see him.
I have joined snapchat and instagram.
My kid was very proud of me.

His mother passed away at the beginning of October so it has been crazy busy.
His grandmother just turned 92.

His youngest daughter is turning 16 in December and wants a kitty.
She did want a baby sibling, but I told her I'm fixed and she quickly recovered with I want a kitty!!!

He RUBS MY FEET!!!
Now that's a keeper!

He gets me flowers every time I come to visit.
Lily's this last time.
Wild flowers before that.
Roses the first time and I told him I don't like roses and he remembered!

He is funny.
He is my pumpkin!

The kids can be exhausting.
There's always something going on.
My kid is in college so it's a different pace with teenagers.
I had forgotten how much chaos there is.
But they are good kids and for the most part they get along.

I'm super happy!!!!!

We have had many adventures together.
I will try to post a few here soon.

Breaking Up Hurts

well, it is over!
and this one hurt, i cried, i still might cry.
and i'm so confused.
i don't understand why he broke it off.

we had moved passed the whole facebook of his ex-wife debacle.
we had moved passed my panic attack regarding him not communicating with me.
but my working with his best friend's brother is a deal breaker?

he says it's more drama and he's done with the drama.

life is drama!

it started out yesterday as a good day.
we were flirting.
it was good.
i go to lunch with the guys at work.
i'm talking about him like i have the past 4 months.
a co-worker goes which tire place does he work at,
i say the one near my house, he goes, so it's B.
and i said yeah, you know him.
and he said my brother and him are best buds.

so i text b. thinking my co-worker is pulling my leg
and my boyfriend goes to this...
wtf? are you stalking me and my friends now on line
just stop, etc....

i said no, i work with his brother.

do i get an apology, NO, i get, i guess i have trust issues.

so i say we both do and by the way,
does your best friend have video or pictures of me.

i know he shared some of them with his best friend and i was okay with that until i found out i work with his best friend's brother.

then my boyfriend wants to know everything i've said about him in the past 4 months to my co-worker, like i can remember?!?

my co-worker had texted his brother, what about i don't know, and his brother texted my boyfriend about it, and my boyfriend texted me and said it was too much drama and we were done.

yup, this is my life..

is this not the stupidest thing ever?

Fireworks but not the good kind

Wow, do i know how to make myself single.
my man is pissed at me.
i did go off on him, but he deserved it.
he's been ignoring me.

you know lots of things die from neglect, people, pets, plants, and relationships!
i texted him how i was feeling neglected and gave him a week to tell me what was going on with him or i just had to move on.
he does not like ultimatums at all.

he called my texts a manifesto, i'm not a unibomber.
the last 3 weeks he has stopped seeing me, stopped texting me and stopped calling me, in my experience that means you are dumped.
but in his world it just means he's too busy to bother.
then he tried to blame me for being pushy.
i was pushing to meet his boys -- FALSE!

he told me he wanted me to meet his boys before they started back to school so it didn't stress them too much.

i've never asked to meet the boys.
i've been pushing to see him so we can make a baby.
he says i'm pushing for something permanent.
hello, isn't having a baby permanent?!

then his ex-wife called having a melt down that she got a friend request from me on facebook, like that's the end of the world, he went off about that.
why does her facebook say she's still married and she lives with him?
is he even divorced and if he told her about me like he told me he did, why is she freaking out???

i think it's over.
i can't take this drama and he can't either.
i see him friday and i think we are slamming the brakes.
my biggest regret is i'm not pregnant.
and i will really miss the sex.
but my needs are too great.
he used to love that i wanted him all the time, but now it's being pushy!


AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Powerless in Ohio

a little after 5pm yesterday the power went out and did not come back until 7:30 this morning. I learned multiple things from this power outage -

1 - sleeping with windows open causes Sophie the Puggle to bark, growl, jump and be a pain in my ass over every little thing, it's 2am people go to BED!!!

2 - my now adult daughter is a big baby, she whines, whimpers, fusses, and cries. i thought i was going to have to change her underwear when it looked like we were going to get a tornado

3 - my boyfriend is an inattentive jackass, i texted him a simple question regarding if the hot water heater was electric to know if i could take a shower since i was sticky and sweaty from walking 2 miles and he still hasn't replied

4 - i am my own best friend, i walked 2 miles, read my natural light, and entertained myself quite well

our flashlights flash pink and purple and we did some groovy rave dancing with them.
i'm so tired from not having power i'm going to nap frequently today and do absolutely nothing!

New Horizons

life is so good right now.
i am happy and content.
he's so perfect for me.
i get so excited when i see him i jump up and run to him.
i've never been like this with a man.

i've always held something back.
or i found a flaw i used to throw back at them.
he's awakened a renewed since of hope in me.
i feel an urgency to show him my love.
i don't hide how i feel.
i don't try to manipulate him.

he feels like home.

this is a new horizon for me.
these experiences he brings to me are energizing me in a way i've not known before.
this is how being in love should be.
i want to lift him up not tear him down.
he wants me to feel sexy and loved.
he doesn't point out my flaws and make me feel small.

he's truly a gentleman.
he shows me respect.
that's what i had been missing with the others.
i'd throw in my line for their love and they'd nibble but never bite.
for the first time, i feel like this is right!

i'm not scared.
i'm not full of doubt.
my friend and others are like this is too fast.
you need to slow it down.
but why?

we want to be together.
isn't that what love means, two people that want to spend time together.
two people that want to please each other.
two people that support one another.

i finally got a man i can see spending the rest of my life with
and i'm in this all the way!

A Creepy Encounter

I'm lying in bed trying to take a nap so I can be awake
when my new man calls around 11pm after he puts his kids asleep,
when the doorbell rings, it's 10:50 according to the clock and i was 1/2 asleep.
so i get up to see who it is.

i turn on the porch light and look through the peep hole and it's the neighbor that has the adorable pug named Rocky,
and the neighbor kid Landon, so I'm thinking something is wrong.
I open the door and he asks me if I've seen Rocky they can't find him.
I said No but I'll help you guys looks, maybe if we bring Sophie the Puggle outside,
Rocky will come to her since he likes her so much.

I put Sophie the Puggle on her leash and she's all kinds of excited now.
I hand her leash to him on the porch (I never let him in!)
and got my coat and shoes on, because it's now frapping cold in Ohio again.
Stupid yo-yo weather sucks.

So I step outside and take Sophie's leash from him and ask,
so where was the last place you saw Rocky.
He says in the house, he's fine, I just wanted to meet you.
What the FRAP!!!!???? (frap = a fuck and crap used at the same time)

Then i notice he's holding a beer and reeks of booze.
Great, he's drunk!
I grew up with many an alcoholic relative.
the first thing i learned is put distance between you and the drunk person.
So i back off the porch onto the parking lot
and ask so what's going on?

he said i hear you're some sort of computer expert.
i say i'm a computer programmer, why is your computer broken?
he's like no just trying to get to know you.
i wasn't even sure this was your apartment.
my heart is racing, i feel anxious and panicked!

i tell him that i'm waiting for my boyfriend to call.
my boyfriend calls every night to talk to me around this time.
i really really like my boyfriend.
i couldn't emphasize enough that i am taken leave me be.
i told him now that the dog is out i have to walk her.
thankfully, sophie is dragging me now to sniff the grass.
so i let her and start to follow her.

he's telling me this big sob story about him and landon's mom
they aren't married, they don't have sex, she means nothing to him.
they have the oldest kid together.
he's just helping her out.
again, i say i'm seeing someone.
i'm very happy.
sorry to hear about your troubles, but i'm sure it'll get better.
and i just let sophie lead me away.

he starts to walk along with me and i say well i better get her walked
and get back inside so i can talk to my boyfriend.
he seems angry, storms off towards his apartment and i hear the door slam.
i'm freaked out!

i mean, seriously, my dog is lost help me find it, that's what pedophiles says to get a little kid in the van.

i am done walking sophie, i'm back in the house, i'm making sure all my doors are locked.
i'm texting my man freaking out.
i am wide awake having a panic attack.
did the guy take the hint?
his he gonna come back?
my man thinks he's gone and says if he comes back he'll have a talk with him.
hearing his voice makes me feel so much better.
he calms me down and i'm able to finally go to sleep at 1:30am.

i swear the weirdest crap happens to me!

It's Going to Be Alright

braved getting on the wii today to weigh myself and do some yoga
the wii board was happy to inform me it had been 20 days since my last visit
i'm thinking, oh no, i've gained, i've gained,
but i was surprised i'd lost 4.9 pounds in 20 days.

it's not some record or anything it is just the right direction.
i started writing down what i eat and i mean everything i eat.
that keeps me honest and lets me see how much i'm eating.
now i'm starting to count calories, carbs, fat and fiber again.
i'm slowly getting back into the weight loss groove.

the yoga kicked my butt.
my balance was still okay though.
my new man is starting a px90 work out.
he says it's intense and an hour a day.

i'm going to do what works for me.

i will wii, walk, count calories and carbs.
it can be a pain and if i'm feeling lazy like i have since january,
i gain back weight.
but considering my lowest weight back in november was 193 i didn't go too crazy.
but i'm starting to feel like my old self.
the sadness and emotional turmoil is lifting.
my new man is a breath of fresh air.

i asked him to give me a hickey and he gave me a huge one.
he just excites me to the core.
just sitting here thinking about him turns me on.
there's this amazing connection that is physical and euphoric.
i'm not in love, i'm in primal animal full sexual peak.
i know i'm going to be stupid and fall in love eventually.
he explained to me when a woman gets an orgasm from a man
she releases a chemical in her brain that attaches her to that man.
and i'm attached or addicted whatever you want to call it.

i went 6 months with no orgasms to him giving me 10 in an hour.
how could i not want that as much as possible?!

today is about getting back on track in my life, health, and happiness.
i finally get that feeling that it's going to be alright!

Happy New Years 2011 RIP

Here's what i sent Scott today via Facebook -
my new year's resolution is to get a boyfriend. and that's not u. so u r hereby cut off. please don't come around anymore. i will bring down the rest of the money i owe u when i get it. like u said it's not fair and i deserve more then 5 minutes. have a great new year and i wish u and beverly a long boring life together.


now it is time to become invisible to him.
new walk the dog routine.
silence is queen.

i'm lonely.
i have to find a man to be here with me.
instead i keep finding men that want to use me.
it is time to turn it around.

i'm depressed.
today i will wallow in my misery.
tomorrow i will pick myself up and overcome this disease.
i deserve better!!!

A Car, A Boy, and Sex

wow, thursday afternoon began a crazy weekend. scott showed up to get his money for the car.
he threw me face down on the bed, pulled my pants down, got busy, pulled my hair and choked me.
i ain't ever been taken like that and i LIKED it!!! damn!

after work i went and got the kid and her boyfriend. he's okay. of course, i'm not going to be crazy about the boy that took my daughter's virginity, but he's better then that douche she dated in high school. she's very bossy with him, but he stands up to her, which is exactly what she needs. but feeding them is expensive, not to mention she went to the doctor friday and she has bronchitis and a sinus infection, so i had to get her meds too. and he's got a cough, so i bought him cough drops and cough meds. he's going to the doctor next weekend. sophie the puggle really likes him, cuz he pets her all the time.

friday, scott came over and we went over to his best friends' house to get the title on the car. his friend and his wife seemed really nice. i didn't talk much, i just observed. he and scott have been best friends for over 15 years.
scott says he moved to ohio because his best friend did. and scott introduced his best friend to his wife when he worked with his wife. they're really close.

i wondered if they liked scott's current live in girlfriend. and if they like me or not. scott and i just talked while we were in the car. it was nice. we usually are busy fooling around and don't really talk.

i told him my kid is bossy with her boyfriend and he said she's dominant then, and i said, yes she takes after me.
he couldn't stop laughing, he said you aren't dominant, and i said i usually am the dominant one, but i'm not with you.
he is the exception to my one rule, to not be submissive to a man or let him have power over me.

he has shattered my one rule to a million pieces.

he didn't believe that i'm normally the dominant one in a relationship. if he talked to anyone i've dated in the past, except bret, he'd see different. i had such high hopes for bret being my one exception, but he was NOT dominant in the bedroom. it was a let down.

so saturday i went and got the temp tags for the car, my driver's license renewed, and my registration done. a very expensive trip, and next month to get the plates and registration on the new car is $110. my kid is always costing me money, but i love her.

we had to jump start the car because it had been sitting for a week. i put $20 of gas in it then they followed me to the dog park, because it has a huge parking lot for the kid to learn to drive the manual car in it. they let sophie play at the dog park then they practised driving. she keeps stalling it and had trouble with 3rd and 4th gear.

so i asked scott to come down and take her out for a driving lesson without the boyfriend. they were gone about an hour. he said she can do it, she just has to focus, he had her on a hill and she did fine. so he said let her drive to wal-mart with me in the car and don't say anything.

his exact words to me "get in, hold on, shut up"

i did that and the boyfriend kept talking. we almost rolled back into a car. so they did a chinese fire drill at a light. but it's progress!!!!

today they go have lunch with the boyfriend's mom, she hasn't met him yet. then they go back to campus. i told her she has to keep gas in the car. i will have my peace and quiet back by 3pm, yipee!!!!

just in time for me to sign into work!

manless, sexless, and microwaveless!!!!

This morning i had to tell the guy i didn't want to go out with him anymore it just wasn't clicking for me.
he said okay, i wished him good luck and that is done!
i thought that was easy.
he was so pushy on the first date, but with the migraine i dismissed it as me be overly sensitive.
he came back early from being out of town so we went out last night again.
and he was really really being pushy.

and it wasn't my migraine, he really isnt' funny but he thinks he is.
he kept poking me, and touching me with his feet (shoes on, so gross)
he just kept trying to force me to cuddle or snuggle or something.
i do NOT like it when a man tries to force closeness on me.
that is something that should come naturally.

by the time he left i didnt' want him to touch me EVER again.
he was just pushing things too hard, trying to push intimacy and familiarity when there was none.
the conversations were stilted and didn't flow well.
we just didn't not connect on any level!!!

i am having no luck at with this online dating.
i cancelled pof and zoosk.
i told them why, every guy i go out with wants to grope me and push sex on me.
i am very clear i want to ease into a relationship and get to know somone because i am looking for a long term relationship.
appearantly, no on knows what the definition of that is, so i googled it and for my review it is..

Long term relationship is a common, contemporary term for intimate interpersonal relationships that may be lifelong and may or may not consist in marriage. Long term relationships are considered the opposite of casual relationships, which tend to be short in duration. The notation "LTR" is used to designate "long term relationship" in "personals" advertisements

the guy i want to be having a LTR with i can't have because he's in a LTR wtih somebody else. (scott)
the guy i fell in love with before him loves me to death, but he isn't in love with me and only wants to EVER be friends. (bret)
and the guy before that married me and treated me like shit.

i say i'm striking out all over the place.

and the cherry on top of all this man cake, the microwave, that we bought less then a year ago, shorted out!!!
now i'm manless, sexless, and microwaveless!!!!

Suicide Isn't Painless

my neice overdosed intentionally on xanax and tylenol. she passed out head first into a wall. she's in the hospital last night on suicide watch. all because she finally managed to break up with her off and on douche bag of a boyfriend and he and his new little girlfriend and her little friends are bullying her at school. when my neice finally went to a teacher, the 5 other kids claimed my niece was the trouble maker, 5 against 1, nice. my brother and my neice's mom are going to file a formal complaint with the school today. i swear that boy needs to have his head bashed in. he's been nothing but a source of pain and misery for my neice since the 8th grade. his little girlfriend and her posse threatened to kill her. now my niece is depressed and super scary thin from all the stress.

it doesn't help that my brother has like a fucking pharmacy right in his kitchen. he doesn't need all his pills either, just like my mom didn't need all of hers, just like i didn't need all of mine. the pills just make the world go away. you get numb, become a zombie, that's always got to go lay down and sleep. that is exactly what my brother was doing when my neice decided she just wanted it to all go away too.

now my brother is going to have to lock up all his meds, i'd rather he flush them, but he does have some health issues, but i don't think they require 25 pills twice a day!!!! he's even going to lock up the tylenol. my neice put on face book a goodbye and that she had taken alot of pills and her dad was asleep. i called my dad to go over there. he called me back and said they had woken her up and she claimed to have only take 2 tylenol and 1 xanax. so my dad and brother tallked to her and she went back to bed.

then at 12:30 am this morning my Dad calls me and tells me he's at the hospital and that my neice had gotten back up and taken more xanax and more tylenol because she didn't feel any better. my brother made her throw up and he called an ambulance. she was staying in the hospital for the watch and observation. her face is all bruised up from the fall.

my neice is beautiful, smart, funny, good, quiet, sincere, helpful and sweet. her life is priceless. i know depression runs in our family, but when you try to kill yourself the pain you are trying to get rid of just gets put onto the shoulders and hearts of the ones you love. suicide doesn't solve anything, trust me i had my moment too.
we will get my neice through this!!!