Saying Goodbye to a Good Man, Dadaw

It's always hard to say good bye. It seems even more difficult when you are saying good bye to the last of a generation.
The kid's great grandpa, her Dadaw, past away at 85.
There's only one other great grandparent left.

Dadaw was a good man.
He grew up in a different time.
His childhood home had no electricity, running water, internet, or appliances.
The kid would DIE if our house was missing any of those.
It was amazing to see all of his kids, grand kids, great grand kids and great great grand kids gathered together.
He truly was a blessed man.

He was quiet, dignified, kind, thoughtful, and when he said something he meant it.
It's hard to find people like that anymore.
He never rushed or hurried.
He really took his time to do things.
He was patient with everyone, especially his grand kids.

The last few years he had begun to suffer from Alzheimer's and was having trouble remember all the grand kids especially.
He had fallen and broken his hip and had to go into a home to rehab.
I just don't think he was able to recover from that.
The kid works in a nursing home/rehab facility and she sees elderly people go downhill quickly everyday.
She was so upset, she'd just gone down to visit for the 4th of July and hadn't stopped in to see him.
Everyone told her he wouldn't have recognized her, but she still wishes she had seen him.
They said he was doing fine and would be out in a few weeks instead she came home on Sunday and he died on Tuesday.

I told her she has to let go of that regret.
I know I have that with them Mom.
It bothers me to this day that I came home from the hospital.
You just don't know when people are going to die.
You can't guilt yourself over things like that, it's pointless guilt.
I told her to forgive herself.
Dadaw knew she loved him, just as she knows Dadaw loved her.

His love for his kids and grand kids was never in doubt.
He was so proud of all of them.

Yes, it is always the most difficult to say good bye to a good man.
We miss you Dadaw!

House Hunting and Patience

looked at 3 houses today, liked the upstairs of one and the downstairs of the other, but overall, no, no, no.

why is it so hard to find the house for us.
i don't know if i have the patience for this.
i knew this could take time, but i'm wondering if we will find a house by the time my lease expires.

i look at 2 open houses tomorrow, got my fingers crossed.

i've already started to pack that is how i'm trying to be optimistic, but the house is now a mess and it is getting it to me.

who thought i'd be the neat type. i was a total slob as a child, teen, and young adult.
now i like order, cleanliness, and cleared counter tops.

the older i get the more i get like my mother.
i'm doomed!

I hate to wait

so i'm home working this afternoon waiting on fed ex to deliver my new ipod with the fitness application.
i'm so anxious. i was so worried that since it shipped to the wrong place i'd never get it.
but luckily they rerouted before the first delivery attempt and now it is on its way to me!!!

i'm not a patient person.
i hate to wait.
i tie myself up in a ball of anxious energy.

once the ipod arrives that is one less thing for me to be waiting on.

the naughty neighbor, scott, has my undivided attention at the moment.
i am waiting on him, he said soon, is that tomorrow, or friday.
it's usually fridays, it was this past friday.

we were talking about the car and then somehow we ended up on the living room floor with me riding him.
how come i'm the only one that ends up naked?
we dry humped, how high school is that!
then we went into the 1/2 bath where he reached climax during a titty fuck.
i have yet to get off.
this is a very lop sided sexual relationship thus far.
it's been going on since the beginning of august, so for three months now, he's managed to keep me hanging on.
we've done oral sex, titty fucks, made out, he gave me hickey's, he's come on me multiple times,
but alas, i have not come once, he's not pentrated me once, or ate me out once.
what the hell am i doing here?

when he touches me my mind shuts off, it's like heaven,
i go from a million spinning thoughts to none.
he's like a drug, and i'm so addicted.
i'm not ashamed,
i think i'm sexually frustrated, so i asked him when and he said soon.
oh, i do hope i'm not disappointed.
there's so much hype here with our sexual chemistry.

Suicide Isn't Painless

my neice overdosed intentionally on xanax and tylenol. she passed out head first into a wall. she's in the hospital last night on suicide watch. all because she finally managed to break up with her off and on douche bag of a boyfriend and he and his new little girlfriend and her little friends are bullying her at school. when my neice finally went to a teacher, the 5 other kids claimed my niece was the trouble maker, 5 against 1, nice. my brother and my neice's mom are going to file a formal complaint with the school today. i swear that boy needs to have his head bashed in. he's been nothing but a source of pain and misery for my neice since the 8th grade. his little girlfriend and her posse threatened to kill her. now my niece is depressed and super scary thin from all the stress.

it doesn't help that my brother has like a fucking pharmacy right in his kitchen. he doesn't need all his pills either, just like my mom didn't need all of hers, just like i didn't need all of mine. the pills just make the world go away. you get numb, become a zombie, that's always got to go lay down and sleep. that is exactly what my brother was doing when my neice decided she just wanted it to all go away too.

now my brother is going to have to lock up all his meds, i'd rather he flush them, but he does have some health issues, but i don't think they require 25 pills twice a day!!!! he's even going to lock up the tylenol. my neice put on face book a goodbye and that she had taken alot of pills and her dad was asleep. i called my dad to go over there. he called me back and said they had woken her up and she claimed to have only take 2 tylenol and 1 xanax. so my dad and brother tallked to her and she went back to bed.

then at 12:30 am this morning my Dad calls me and tells me he's at the hospital and that my neice had gotten back up and taken more xanax and more tylenol because she didn't feel any better. my brother made her throw up and he called an ambulance. she was staying in the hospital for the watch and observation. her face is all bruised up from the fall.

my neice is beautiful, smart, funny, good, quiet, sincere, helpful and sweet. her life is priceless. i know depression runs in our family, but when you try to kill yourself the pain you are trying to get rid of just gets put onto the shoulders and hearts of the ones you love. suicide doesn't solve anything, trust me i had my moment too.
we will get my neice through this!!!

test results bad

well the doctor's nurse call at 9am yesterday and my head has been spinning every since. my right balance side is weak there might be a growth in my brain interferring with how it is working. they are sending my paperwork to the hospital and they would call me either yesterday (which they didn't) or monday to schedule an MRI with dye ASAP!!!

Nothing like freaking me out! I had an Aunt die from brain cancer at 47. She was falling over for no reason too. If I had a healthy family history I wouldn't be worried, but my family is NOT the healthy type. My Mom, and 2 of her sisters all died before or at age 50. Two of her other sisters have battled breast cancer and her only brother had a stroke in his 40's. The family is genetically unsound.

So I get to spend the whole weekend with my stomach tied in a knot. I hate to wait. Then I gotta schedule the test and then wait for the results. This is so frustrating. I wish they could just expedite the whole process. Do you have to cut my head open or not????