Resistance is Futile

Sonnet 116 - the bard, Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments.

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.

Love’s not time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

i fell in love with a man who will never love me back.
and then i took what he told me, deep and dark admissions of who he was,
and i turned them on him and used it against him like a weapon.

i shall never blog of this man again after this.

this is my apology to him.
i am a coward.
i can write how i feel, but i can't say how i feel.

i love you just the way you are and i love all of you,
the demons, and all their baggage.
you are perfect to me!
i tried to resist it. i fought it to the bitter end.
i tried to blow it up. i tried to stab it with my words.
i tried to kill it with my actions.
but my love for you is still here and it's not going anywhere!
my apologies will never be enough,
i did damage like i always do when i'm scared.
and i knew i was falling in love with you and it terrified me, so i panicked.

you must be the strong one.
i am the weak one.
if you come i will not tell you to go or tell you no.
resistance is futile when love is in charge and i was never good enough for you.

i love you Scott!

Depression makes me fat

i've gained nearly 7 pounds since last week when i lost the baby.
i've fallen into a crippling depression.
i'm always going to bed.
if i'm not in bed i'm eating.
i eat everything and anything.
i'm not even hungry.
it is like i'm trying to fill up the emptiness inside of me.

physically i feel better.
all the yucky bleeding and cramping has stopped.
next week i go to the doctor to see if it is all okay
and to find out when i can start to try to get pregnant again.
but emotionally i'm a wreck.
i know this is a deep depression.
i've been through this before several times.
i don't want to go back on medications to get out of this.
if i'm on meds i can't try to get pregnant.

i didn't realize how much i wanted another baby until i found out i was pregnant.
and now that i've lost the baby all i want is to try again.
i really need to focus on having a baby.
i need to find my motivation again.
i've been kicked down but i can't stay down.
this is my pep talk to myself.
pull yourself up shannon irene and get back on that horse.

you are pretty.
you are smart.
you are awesome.

you know all 3 men (excluding my father) have told me i'm pretty my whole life.
the kid's dad, my ex-fiance brian and scott.

bret told me that there's was nothing about me, face or body that would make him look twice.
it was because he remembered me and my personality from high school that he started talking to me.
he said i was such a happy go lucky person when we were in high school.
that was such a long time ago.
like scott said, we are only small pieces of the people we used to be.
my demons have eaten a huge amount of the happiness i used to have.

happiness, we are guaranteed the pursuit of it in the u.s. constitution
and this nation pursues happiness with a vengance,
but we are more depressed, medicated and fatter then ever.
i think we are all failing on a huge scale to keep the happiness we find.
i bet alot of people are like me.
i think i know what makes me happy so i go after it, get it,
and it either bores me, or it wasn't what i had thought it would be.
then i'm not happy anymore.

i think we are a nation of discontents.
we are all children running around in a candy store.
or a bunch of bulls running loose in a china shop.
i can't carry happiness when i'm being crushed by my infinite sadness.
i want to be happy, but i want to be happy all the time.
and nothing is 100% all the time on.

it hurts to know that scott will reject me again and again.
it hurts to know that i'm never going to be me again.
but i have to go forward because going back is never an option.

The Struggle Within

i'm still feeling sorry for myself.
my little pity party has been full of candy bars, cookies, pop, and taco bell.
i know i need to get ahold of this misery and reign it in,
but i'm just so damn depressed over losing the baby.

i saw scott yesterday.
he asked me how i was.
i just shrugged.
i asked him how he was.
he said fine.
yup, that was it.
lovely wasn't it.

i'm struggling with this.
i know the internet says it is all normal.
all these emotions i'm going thru are part of the process.
i don't even know if i had someone to talk to what i would say.
i've made up my mind that i'm going to try again.
once the doctor gives me the okay.

there's a website where men donate their sperm for free.
it's crazy, but i really want this.
i love being a mother.
i'm a good mother.
i want one more baby.
is that so wrong?

i tried to wait until i was married.
then my ex-husband told me he didn't want children.
it crushed me to pieces.
i love kids.
i love being around kids.

scott turned out to be the calm one in all this.
he surprised me.
of course, he was so sure he wasn't the father,
i don't think he was sweating it.
i hated to tell him that my other kid got here cuz her dad pulled out.
pulling out doesn't have a very high success rate for birth control.

i'd love it if scott would help me get pregnant again.
i'd even get paperwork drawn up to terminate is parental rights and
if he wanted i'd just tell everyone i got the sperm from that web site.

i was dreaming when the cramps woke me up thursday morning.
the baby was 7-8 months old, she had scott's hazel eyes and my blonde curly hair, Clara.
scott was feeding her something green, peas, spinach, who knows.
she spit it out on him and laughed like only babies that age can laugh.
then she said "da da" and scott's face lit up like a christmas tree.
this was the first dream i had picturing what the baby would look like and i dreamed she looked like scott
and was scott's baby.

maybe it was because bret had been so mean to me on our tuesday call.
i only facebooked bret about the miscarriage.
i have no idea if he knows, but i'll be damned if i'll call and tell him.
i'm done with him.

he justifies being a total dick because it's the truth or his perception of the truth.
the truth is no justification for being a mean, hurtful, and petty.
and most of what he was ranting about was what he hoped the truth to be.
i figured him out, he's only happy when he's miserable.
and lynn will continue to make him miserable.

he told me i had too many negative influences in my life.
after i hung up crying and feeling so small,
i realized the biggest negative influence in my life is bret.
every time i talk to him he makes me feel like shit.
so i'm ridding myself of him and his negativity.
i wish him the best in all his future endeavors.

My Lost Hope

i lost the baby.
i started to miscarry yesterday morning.
i've lost all hope.
the doctor reassured me these things happen and it's not my fault.

i feel literally empty.
i feel helpless.
i feel lost.
i thought about killing myself.
but i made a promise not to try that again.
i have a lot of flaws but i do keep my promises.

the doctor still wants me to come in on my appt.
she says i can try again in a couple of months.

i really don't want to talk about.
i've informed scott and bret via fb.
i really don't want to hear either of them say it's for the best.
or any other supposedly comforting remarks when i know they are both doing happy dances of relief.

bret really disappointed me.
he started acting like scott.
he's back with lynn and he said he wasn't taking a paternity test until after scott did.
that even if he was the father i'd be on my own cuz he's going to be with lynn.
he turned really really petty, mean, and ugly on me.
and i know it was lynn talking through him.
i will never speak to bret again.

i really really wanted my baby.

A Bruise on My Nose

saturday i woke up and went to the grocery store.
that went well, except i saw the carmello bars on close out at 53 cents each,
so i bought all that was left, since the cashier explained to me close out means
that store won't carry them anymore
so now i have a drawer full of carmello bars screaming my name
so far i've had one and gab has had one.

i get home and i'm putting away the groceries.
i am putting the kid's dinosaur fun nuggets, seriously, she's almost 21 years old,
in the freezer, i pull the freezer door open and slam it right into my nose!!!
usually when i injure myself in such a stupid manner i laugh,
this time it hurt so fucking bad i was totally dazed.
i had my glasses on to boot, so that made it hurt worse.
now i have a bruise on my nose.

only me right, sheesh!!!

scott came over to get his money.
i was going to drop it off to him, but i saw the bunny was home
and after konking myself on the nose i was in a pissy mood
and did not want to see her.
i could not guarentee i wouldn't be a total bitch just cuz i can be.
so he came down to get it.

he showed the kid how to check the oil in berta.
he walked around that jeep like a lover checking every inch
touching it gently, it was like watching some man-gasim in progress.
he really really loves that car, sweet berta.
but i'm greatful he checks up on it.
the kid and i just drive the shit out of the cars.
they don't have emotional meaning to us.
to each their own i guess.

i went to hug him and he hesitated big time.
i apolgized he got to see the very ugly side of my mental illness.
he let me give him a hug.
i've done some damage there, i'm not surprised.
bret and scott both won't ever trust me again.
scott and i had a 5 month run that's typical for me.

the most significant relationships in my life (all 7 of them)
last 5-7 consecutive months in a row.
i'm the one that cannot sustain a long term relationship.
i'm the loser.
i'm the committment phobe.
i'm the disease.

went to a neighbor's 6 year old's birthday party.
she was a ballerina.
i stuffed like 6 of those spring rolls in my mouth.
damn they were good.
the mom made all these little dainty chocolates.
they are from brazil and there was all this food i've never seen before
we left after an hour cuz the whole roasted pig was stirring up my gag reflux, thank u baby!!!

i was going to drive me and the other neighbors over to next door
but they wanted to walk, but i had already pulled up the car
so i just parked it up front, in the bunny's spot
when we walked back i couldn't find my keys and i was freezing
and ready to yack from eating all those spring rolls
so i just left the car their

i went and got it this morning when i walked sophie
i'm so thankful to have a garage
the kid took my ice scraper.
i hate scraping a car.
today the kid goes back to school
and i got to be alone and broke

but i think of the little baby inside of me and smile.

I Hate Owing Money

scott says there's no chance in hell he's the father.
that is most excellent news.
the paternity test bret wants should hold no surprises.
now i just have to twiddle my thumbs until august when the baby gets here.

i feel better now knowing it isn't scott's baby.
the whole situation with him lately has not good.
but sex only has never been something i've been good at.
i have too many emotions to not get emotionally attached to a man.
i'm not in love with him, but i do care about him.
i feel bad i haven't been able to pay him off for the jeep.

i bring home net what he makes gross but i never have any money.
i poorly manage my money.
i excel at spending it, but i can never hold on to it.
i will try to give him 200 bucks a paycheck until he's paid off.
and he really swears he's done with me now.

i should apologize for being such a bitch.
i don't think he deserved it.
i just feel bad for his live in girlfriend.
she thinks they are getting married and living happily ever after.
and if he's not having sex with me it will only be a matter of time before he fucks someone else.
he's a man whore, he said it himself.

i hate owing him money, i feel like he has power over me while i do.
i hate that i gave him so much control.
i handed myself to him on a silver platter and i didn't know all the rules.
the only person i should be angry with is myself.
i hate to share.

bret totally went off on me too.
i don't need this crap right now.
i want a paternity test.
if it's my baby i'll live with u and take care of the baby,
but that doesnt' make us a couple.

why do i only want to be with men that only want to have sex with me?

scott - has a live in girlfriend.

bret - is still hung up on lynn

my ex husband - i wasn't a man

his brother - i wasn't his wife nor the mother of his children

ron - i wasn't his mother

i always fall in love with men that cannot love me back.
but this baby will love me and i will love this baby with everything i have.
this will probably be my last child, this is it.
i have to be super mom to this kid.
i will matter to this baby.
i have a purpose again!

The Mood Swing Revolution

gab and i got in a huge fight saturday night and sunday.
over the fact i gave away a poster on her wall to the neighbor teenager.
i had to get the poster back.
she admits she overreacted and i admit i should respect her space and not give her stuff away.
it gave me a headache.

she said u r so moody, it's scary, it's like your pregnant or something.
i stormed out and went out to buy a pregnancy test.
i waited until gab left and took the test.
it was positive.
so i must of taken the one on the 11th too soon.
so i'm back to whose the daddy, bret or scott?

i've been trying to process this.
i told scott on fb, coward i know, but then i deleted the message like an hour later.
i don't know what to do.
i have an ob/gyn appt. on feb 10th.
i want the baby to be bret's.
can i just do that?

my boobs hurt, i'm nauseated and i want a small chocolate milk shake and a big mac!!!
then i want to take an egg roll and dip it in the big mac sauce.
yeah, i'm pregnant.

scott says if i finish paying him off he won't ever speak to me again.
that's good right.
then bret can be daddy and he will marry me and we will live...
who am i kidding, unless i'm having a boy, i'm screwed.
sometimes i feel like i live in india, china, or the middle east
both men in my life want boys.

maybe i should make up some 3rd men and pin the baby on him.
and just go it alone.
is that selfish???

Cigarettes, Anger, and Regrets

i have been foolish again.
i made poor decisions again.
i drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and got totally trashed man for New Year's Eve.
I woke with the hang over plus i felt like i had eaten a cigarette.
i only smoke when i drink and i drank and smoked way too much.

i sent an angry message to scott, belittling the size of his penis.
i do prefer the smaller tool he has.
my uterus is slightly prolapsed and too big of a penis hits my cervix and hurts.
but i'm angry that i was lonely.
it's my fault really.
i let him come and go as he pleases.

i put a cigarette out on the trunk of his neon.
he fb'ed me back asking why i had anger directed towards him.
i guess i've let myself simmer for too long.
but when he touches me i can't think.
let alone tell him how he makes me feel.

everything is just fine and dandy,
but when he leaves me,
i'm unsatisfied, wet, horny, frustrated and just twisted up.
he makes me feel so excited then it's like he drops me and i shatter.
i want to be more to him then an easy lay.
the more i get to know him the more i want to know him.
it is a dire situation.

i think this one is over my head.
i deserve better.
even a fuck buddy treats u better then this.
5 months and not one orgasim for me.
he's right, it's not fair.
and i'm bored with the games he plays.

at least my headache is gone now.
my tummy feels somewhat better.
i want to have movie nights, snuggle time, silly moments.
affection nicknames, smacks on the ass, and regular sex.
i want a macaroni for all my cheese.

Happy New Years 2011 RIP

Here's what i sent Scott today via Facebook -
my new year's resolution is to get a boyfriend. and that's not u. so u r hereby cut off. please don't come around anymore. i will bring down the rest of the money i owe u when i get it. like u said it's not fair and i deserve more then 5 minutes. have a great new year and i wish u and beverly a long boring life together.


now it is time to become invisible to him.
new walk the dog routine.
silence is queen.

i'm lonely.
i have to find a man to be here with me.
instead i keep finding men that want to use me.
it is time to turn it around.

i'm depressed.
today i will wallow in my misery.
tomorrow i will pick myself up and overcome this disease.
i deserve better!!!

He Comes Around

another visit from my naughty neighbor scott.
he gave me the maintenance information on the jeep.
i swear he loves berta like he really should love that woman he lives with, but to each his own.
we did our usual plus the anal sex for a minute.
that was different, i'm not sure i liked it, my butthole itches now.
he tried to get me off, bless his heart.
you'd think at his age he'd know how to do it a little better then that.
but considering we were standing up against the garage door you do what you can.

i think this was the last time.
the new year begins the new changes in me.
and he won't be allowed to touch me anymore.
i'll have to be mean about it.
i think if i call him a loser and a 2 pump chump he'll not want to talk to or kiss me anymore.
he rocks on the kissing.
i finished him off with a blow job.
i am going to miss his flavor.
it's like creamy with light saltiness...

scott did NOT get me the snowflake necklace.
he thinks maybe the little twin girls gave it to me,
which would be really sweet, but i haven't seen them out so i'll have to ask them when i do.
otherwise, i won't know who gave it to me and that creeps me out a wee bit.

my hip is seriously messed up.
i fell, thank you balance disorder.
and caught myself with my hip against the wall at the top of the stairs.
i've gained 4 pounds back to 199 again.
and i can only walk a bare mile everyday before my hip goes into spasms.

i'm so old, old, old, old, old.
and some people just annoy the crap out of me.
another neighbor asked what i did and i said i fell,
and she said well the bigger you get the harder you fall,
i gave her the look, but did not say, so u think i'm BIG/aka fat!
she back pedaled so fast it gave me whiplash,
then went to well when you're older,
which i gave her another look, but did not say, so u think i'm OLD!!!
i don't like her, she talks like a stoner.
she tries to be nice, but it just comes off as her thinking she's better then me.
stupid bitch!!!
pain makes me mean!!!

An Uneventful Christmas

i hope everyone had a merry christmas out there in internet land.
my christmas was uneventful.
scott left a snowflake necklace on my porch christmas eve.
it is very pretty but i can't wear necklaces well, i have a thick neck.
so i hung it from my rearview mirror.
i gave a few of my neighbors some anchor shot glasses.
they all seemed to like them.

we got new movies, a new wii game, i got meemaw's perfume, windsong.
as soon as i sprayed it, it was like she had never left.
that's a perfume i would have never guessed at, thankfully, she told her friend what she wore.
it does smell so good.
i keep spraying it so i can think of her.

i spent christmas day eating snickers and drinking alcohol.
it was merry.
only burger king was open so i got dinner from there.
today is all about cleaning.
and walking my laps.
sophie the puggle loves her christmas toys.
there's a squeaky purple bear that she is dragging everywhere.

my kid is spending the week down at her dad's family.
she always has a good time with them.
i'm glad she's close to his family.
at times i wish i had more kids when i was younger.
she's so spoiled a sibling close to her age wouldn't have hurt her.

jan. and feb. are hard for me.
mom died one month after christmas in 1996.
then her and dad's wedding anniversary is feb 10th
and her birthday is feb. 17th.
my thoughts stray to her alot this time of year.
she so loved everything about christmas.
she grew up so poor they never had anything.
i know i'm blessed and lucky.
i have everything i need and even though there are things i want
they are the things you can't buy, like love, attention, time with the one i care about.

so i think my priorities are clear.
God bless you all.
Happy Holidays!!!

I've Lost my enthusiasm

scott stopped by last night to return the remote control.
he said he got the car to work and didn't need my garage because there had been a nice day while i was gone.
he started the whole dry humping, kissing, grabbing me crap.
i've lost my enthusiasm for the whole situation.
now i just got to figure out how to blow him off.
i was not responsive last night and he seemed disappointed.
but that's his problem and not mine.
he's laid off from work until jan so he's driving semi's locally.
i imagine i'll see him soon.
and then i'll cut ties.
it's all gotten very boring to me.
he's boring to me.

i think i'm depressed.
i go to bed at 6pm.
sophie has been having accidents in the house.
i think it is because the kid doesn't let her out when i go to bed so early.
i feel like a loser, a failure, and a disappointment.
i can't do anything right lately.
i just want to curl up into a ball in my bed and never leave it.

i guess this will pass.
i'm working to get back into my schedule.
i worked out on the wii this morning.
i'm back to 195.
and i expected just to break even this month.
so if i don't gain anything between now and the end of the year i'll be set.

jan. i have tweak my workout and diet.
i need to weed out what has failed me.
i can't do any kind of ice cream, even light or less fat.
i just eat too much of it.
i got 30 more pounds to lose.
i know i can do it.
i just got to get my ass out of this depression.
hopefully, without medication this time.

Bittersweet Tennessee

the funeral will be in a couple of days so we have to pack up and head to tennessee.
it'll be wonderful to see the family, it's been a couple of years, but it'll be sad that we are all there for MeeMaw's funeral, so bittersweet, this trip to Tennessee.

when i was 7 grandpa and Meemaw retired and moved from Ohio to Tennessee. I went from seeing them every day to seeing them on our summer vacations for a week. i missed them very much.
as i got older and grew up and had my daughter, we went to see MeeMaw less and less.
then in spring of 2010 she had a stroke, i realized it had been ten years since i had gone to visit.
we went that summer for a long weekend.
it was too short.
that's the last time i saw her.
there was never enough money or enough time to go visit.
i regret that now.
Meemaw had her priorities right, God and family, is what she dedicated her life too.

i have some very difficult decisions to make.
Meemaw's death has made me take a hard look at some of my choices lately.
I've not been making healthy emotional choices.
Scott, Bret, Jackie, all unhealthy for my emotional needs.
I need to make a clean break from empty deadend sexual relationships.
I do want another child, but to conceive via one of these men is just opening my child and I to years of disappointment and heartache.

these men can't change so I must.
when i get back from tennessee i'm going back to church.
i'm going to get back on a righteous path.
God and family will be my focus.
I've already been working on my physical health, now it's time to meet my emotional and spiritual needs.

God, I'm going to need all the help I can get.
Especially, to tell Scott no.
that word doesn't pop into my head when that man touches me.
i'm caught up in his web, a total fly to his spider.
he knows he's got me, help me break free.
Amen!

when do they go back to school?

my kid is a one person destruction crew.
she brought the crutches in from the garage and threw them behind the couch, wtf???
she said it was so if there was a bug on the ceiling she wouldn't have to get up to kill it.
i am cranky, tired, and short fused.
i lost it.
i told her if she keeps moving shit around i will break one of her protruding body parts so she'll NEED the crutches!!!
it's bad enough she keeps knocking the baby Jesus down in the nativity scene by putting her crap on the table,
when does she go back to school, NOT SOON ENOUGH!!!

i can't live with her anymore.
she's rude, disrespectful, lazy, messy and just a bitch every time she comes home.
she thinks she knows everything.
she takes over the t.v. and i want to listen to music.
why can't she disappear into her room like the old days, unseen and unheard.
those days were nice, i liked them, i enjoyed them!!!

i did not sleep well.
i think i punched myself in the eye last night.
i've had spasms in my left eye all day and it's been watering and it hurts a little.
i feel so old.
i've had to wear my glasses all day.
i had bad bad dreams.
i dreamed i told scott i was pregnant and he beat the shit out of me until i miscarried.
extreme concept right, he seems like an alright guy.

but i couldn't keep the thought of him beating the crap out of me out of my head.
so i googled him and he has domestic violence charges from his first marriage.
he had to do probation and domestic violence classes in FL for a year.
so he can be violent.
he was in his 20's and now he's in his 40's so hopefully he's mellowed.
but he did threaten to kill me if i didn't deny our sexual encounters.

i am discombobulateed between the previous sentence and this one scott knocked on the door.
blow job, private part rubbing, making out, dry humping, back to sexual frustration for one!!!
told him about my dream, he thought it was stupid
and then he kissed me, he is a really GREAT kisser!!!

disappointment and hockey

the pregnancy test was negative. so i'm bummed. i guess i'll just keep trying.
lucky for me scott can't keep it in his pants.
he wants to use my garage to work on one of his cars.
he kept saying i want to park something of mine in your garage.
annoying and totally immature which is so scott.

me, dad, and the kid went to a columbus blue jackets game last night.
we were in the first row, which was awesome.
my dad had a really great time.
got the tickets and parking pass free from work.
thank goodness we took Lucille, dad's gps with us.
downtown columbus is a mess, with tons of closed exits.
lucille got us there and back though.

i invited scott and his son, but his little bunny had laser eye surgery,
and she can only see out of one eye.
so he needed to be the good boyfriend and take care of her.
sucks to be a committed relationship.
he never tells her he loves her.
i don't think i could live with a guy that never says i love you.
she's got blinders on.
he's going to destroy her.
i just want to have sex with him and make a baby.
the only one that doesn't know he's a liar and a cheater is her.
she's so stupid!!!
but love does that to you.

The common cold

i've lost 5.5 pounds in the past six days thanks to the common cold.
i sleep then i sleep some more.
i've been eating chicken noodle soup and that's about it.
so now i'm back down to my pre-birthday pig out weight.
not the best way to accomplish it but very effective.
i still am sick, but feel much better.

i will be able to take my first pregnancy test sunday.
i got my fingers crossed that it's positive.
i've been very careful with the cold medicine i've been taking.
i don't want to hurt a baby if i'm with child.
even though robitussin and tylenol haven't helped at all.

today i got to run to the store.
there's no food in the house.
i got to get a few things.
my kid is back from school for 3 weeks on saturday.
we are going to drive each other crazy.
i know it's a short trip to drive me off the rails of the crazy train, but she knows my buttons and she pushes them with glee!

scott has been flirty.
somehow i think we are going to start having sex again.
i guess he really can't keep it in his pants.
thank God for that horny bastard!!!
he's coming over today and possibly tomorrow.
so if i'm not pregnant, he's still a viable baby sperm donation specialist.

i tired to eat oatmeal for breakfast.
it is just nasty.
i don't like oatmeal.
not even in cookies.
it's like jello or yogurt.
i don't care how healthy it is for me, i don't like it, yuck!!!
so the dog ate most of it and she enjoyed that!

Loser nearly busted

last night ...
i'm such a dork!
i've got a head cold and i feel like shit!
fever, sore throat, sneezing, coughing, headache from hell!!!
so i'm sleeping alot and trying to keep hydrated.
i'm in a foul mood.
but Sophie the Puggle still must be walked.

so i'm in my pj's, dr. pepper pants and a nightgown, both are now 3 sizes too big.
i throw on a jacket 2 sizes too big and slip on shoes.
i'm walking and i see scott's car.
i think, he's such a loser.
so what do i do, i write loser on the trunk of the car with my finger in the dirt.
two seconds later, he pulls in, in the bunny's car, and honks at me.
i'm like shit, he's going to know that's me.
so he's putting trash in the car to go to the dumpster.

i circle around and when he goes around the corner i run back up to the car
and wipe the loser off of the car!
i don't know what got into me.
it was very immature, but i can be immature.
so i start walking back the regular path and he pulls over to talk to me.
i tell scott i'm sick.
he has hiccups.
he had a beer, he doesn't like beer.
he throws sophie his water bottle (she loves water bottles)
i jokingly cough in his direction and tell him i'm just sharing like a good neighbor.
he drives off and i come home.

i really need to suppress my childish urges.
but when i'm sick i'm more puckish.
my neck is really sore too.
i put icy hot on it after an ice pack didn't work.
i slept 12 hours and woke up still feeling like crap.
but the show must go on.
work is slow so hopefully i won't have to fire up to many neurons today.

crown and ginger ale

wow, i am an idiot!!!

jackie came down around 3pm friday and he was drinking crown and ginger ale while eating a slim jim.
he said the slim jim masked the whiskey.
he wanted me to meet his buddy rob and show him my boobies.
jackie has been talking up my boobs to heights they have never aspired to.
i kept to my one drink rule, thankfully!
and he was right, the slim jim did blank out the whiskey after taste, did i mention he made my drink in a 24 oz glass!
that hit me hard, i was really buzzed.
i wasn't going to show my boobs at all, but jackie walked up behind me and just popped them out.
i was not happy.
his friend left after getting an eyeful, jackie poured me a 2nd drink that i didn't touch.
jackie was trying to talk me into doing him and his roommate.
or at least give them blow jobs!
i was not interested.
jackie whipped out his little manhood, he assurred me it gets bigger, i did not stick around to find out.
new rule --- no drinks at jackie;s and no going inside at jackie's!
the worst part is cindy came over to give jackie his resume she's been helping him with and it was just post boobie exposure!
i was embarassed to say the least.
i know jackie is going to tell scott, i know they talk about shit like that.
but i did not have sex with anyone.
and considering i could be pregnant that will be my last drink too.
i'll use my sugar being high if drinks are offered in the future to pass.

i can take my first pregnancy test on the 11th.
i'm hopeful!

hope springs eternal

i had sex with bret early am yesterday and his sperm can last 2-3 days so i'm hoping that's enough to fertilize and conceive. i hope i hope i hope!

but i'm trying to get scott to kick in a donation for a safety net.
but considering i've confessed that i've told people about him i don't know if he's in play anymore.
i never realized getting a horny man whore to have sex with me would be so difficult.
that's what i get for lying.
i wish i wouldn't lie, but i really really want one more kid.
so i came clean about everything but being on birth control.
sad right, but i'm really in a spot.
i'm 39 it's now or never in my book.

i'm not a good person.
i'm not going to pretend that what i'm doing has some sort of justification.
it's wrong to dup these men.
especially since i care about them.
there's no moral ground to stand on for this.
and if it fails miserably i deserve it.
but i really love being a mom and i miss having a little one.
i should have had more then just one kid.
i kept waiting for the perfect situation and it doesn't exist.
so i'm taking lemons and trying to make some lemonade.

may the men forgive me and God have mercy on my soul.

What is on my mind today!

1 - why can't i stop thinking of scott when i know he's a liar and a cheater
2 - why are sophie the puggle's nails so short when i haven't clipped them in forever
3 - sophie the puggle is the puggle of the day at http://www.puggle.org/ (check her out!!!)

So on my birthday i get a message from a guy i went to high school with asking me to go out to dinner and a movie.
i spent the next hour trying to remember who he was.
he was part of the group of guys that were always quiet and wearing stupid smirks, so i thought they were stoners.
they weren't, just watching the girls walk by.

so he lives back home, 2 hours away, his name is John.
we talked on the phone for two hours.
he's okay, but he's already talking mistletoe and holding me, it's like slow down.
the more a man pushes me to intimacy the more i run away.
i think john is still hung up on his son's mother.
they've been broken up quite awhile, but i know how it can be.
he truly loved her and thought they were going to spend their life together.
bret still isn't over lynn and john isn't over tina.
but i agreed to drive down next weekend and to have dinner with him.
you never know unless you try right!

i am playing the truth card with scott.
not sure how he is taking it.
the mystery is gone.
the passion and chemistry is still there.
but now i know he just wants a fuck buddy i feel like i don't have to try or lie.
he's not worth the effort.

i told him that bret knows about us with all the details
and our apt. manager has known since the beginning since i asked about him,
but she doesn't have any details.
i think that's the biggest lie.
there's several smaller ones, but it was standard bullshitting to be more appealing because i didn't know if he wanted a more romantic long term relationship.
now that i know he's not long term material i don't really give a fuck anymore.
i think that has thrown him.
but i haven't talked to him since black friday because his little bunny's daddy is in town.

i asked him if there were any lies he'd like to come clean on.
like not telling me he had a live in girlfriend or that he wasn't single for example.
in case he's forgotten the bullshit he spoons out to get laid.
he's very smooth.

but bret is here and life is good.
bret and i are in a good place.
the sex is good and we click.
it is a shame he only loves me as a friend
but i'm getting over that too.
time is amazing at healing emotional wounds like unrequited love.

this next year i'm going to embrace my life like never before.
i'm making a list of things i've always wanted to do that are doable.
12 of them, one for each month of 2012.
and it has to be budget friendly since i'm going to be saving for my first house.

there are so many bad decisions i've made in the past.
i really should have died several times.
but i'm still here, so i got to pull my head out of my ass and live!!!