My Lost Hope

i lost the baby.
i started to miscarry yesterday morning.
i've lost all hope.
the doctor reassured me these things happen and it's not my fault.

i feel literally empty.
i feel helpless.
i feel lost.
i thought about killing myself.
but i made a promise not to try that again.
i have a lot of flaws but i do keep my promises.

the doctor still wants me to come in on my appt.
she says i can try again in a couple of months.

i really don't want to talk about.
i've informed scott and bret via fb.
i really don't want to hear either of them say it's for the best.
or any other supposedly comforting remarks when i know they are both doing happy dances of relief.

bret really disappointed me.
he started acting like scott.
he's back with lynn and he said he wasn't taking a paternity test until after scott did.
that even if he was the father i'd be on my own cuz he's going to be with lynn.
he turned really really petty, mean, and ugly on me.
and i know it was lynn talking through him.
i will never speak to bret again.

i really really wanted my baby.

Today Sucked!

work was exhausting and brutal. i have a problem that has me stumped which is just adding to the long list of my frustrations.
bret got his house broken into and all his and his daughter's stuff stolen.
his daughter has walking pneumonia at 6.
plus, his boss/landlord told him if he didn't get his custody stuff resolved on 11/30 he needed to move.
wow, when it rains it pours and i was of no comfort.
i couldn't say more then i'm sorry, i feel bad, i hope your daughter feels better.
then i just started to ramble on and on about myself.
and he went off on me, rightly so, i wasn't being consoling or comforting.
i'm not good at that sort of thing.
i don't function well in times of crisis, i shut down and go on auto pilot.

on the up side yesterday, scott, jackie, and other told me i was pretty.
that's always nice to hear.

i'm getting away from my goals.
i'm losing my focus. i'm letting others influence me again
i think i will meet my birthday goal of 199 pounds, i actually lowered it to 192.
but as usual i'm getting obsessed with it and i'm afraid i'll take it off too quickly.
my birthday isn't until nov. 28th
so it is time to readjust my perspective and zero back in on my health.

tonight was grilled chicken and broccoli with cheese sauce (red. fat)
and a granny smith wood chuck hard cider.
that's a fruit serving right ;)