The Struggle Within

i'm still feeling sorry for myself.
my little pity party has been full of candy bars, cookies, pop, and taco bell.
i know i need to get ahold of this misery and reign it in,
but i'm just so damn depressed over losing the baby.

i saw scott yesterday.
he asked me how i was.
i just shrugged.
i asked him how he was.
he said fine.
yup, that was it.
lovely wasn't it.

i'm struggling with this.
i know the internet says it is all normal.
all these emotions i'm going thru are part of the process.
i don't even know if i had someone to talk to what i would say.
i've made up my mind that i'm going to try again.
once the doctor gives me the okay.

there's a website where men donate their sperm for free.
it's crazy, but i really want this.
i love being a mother.
i'm a good mother.
i want one more baby.
is that so wrong?

i tried to wait until i was married.
then my ex-husband told me he didn't want children.
it crushed me to pieces.
i love kids.
i love being around kids.

scott turned out to be the calm one in all this.
he surprised me.
of course, he was so sure he wasn't the father,
i don't think he was sweating it.
i hated to tell him that my other kid got here cuz her dad pulled out.
pulling out doesn't have a very high success rate for birth control.

i'd love it if scott would help me get pregnant again.
i'd even get paperwork drawn up to terminate is parental rights and
if he wanted i'd just tell everyone i got the sperm from that web site.

i was dreaming when the cramps woke me up thursday morning.
the baby was 7-8 months old, she had scott's hazel eyes and my blonde curly hair, Clara.
scott was feeding her something green, peas, spinach, who knows.
she spit it out on him and laughed like only babies that age can laugh.
then she said "da da" and scott's face lit up like a christmas tree.
this was the first dream i had picturing what the baby would look like and i dreamed she looked like scott
and was scott's baby.

maybe it was because bret had been so mean to me on our tuesday call.
i only facebooked bret about the miscarriage.
i have no idea if he knows, but i'll be damned if i'll call and tell him.
i'm done with him.

he justifies being a total dick because it's the truth or his perception of the truth.
the truth is no justification for being a mean, hurtful, and petty.
and most of what he was ranting about was what he hoped the truth to be.
i figured him out, he's only happy when he's miserable.
and lynn will continue to make him miserable.

he told me i had too many negative influences in my life.
after i hung up crying and feeling so small,
i realized the biggest negative influence in my life is bret.
every time i talk to him he makes me feel like shit.
so i'm ridding myself of him and his negativity.
i wish him the best in all his future endeavors.

I Hate Owing Money

scott says there's no chance in hell he's the father.
that is most excellent news.
the paternity test bret wants should hold no surprises.
now i just have to twiddle my thumbs until august when the baby gets here.

i feel better now knowing it isn't scott's baby.
the whole situation with him lately has not good.
but sex only has never been something i've been good at.
i have too many emotions to not get emotionally attached to a man.
i'm not in love with him, but i do care about him.
i feel bad i haven't been able to pay him off for the jeep.

i bring home net what he makes gross but i never have any money.
i poorly manage my money.
i excel at spending it, but i can never hold on to it.
i will try to give him 200 bucks a paycheck until he's paid off.
and he really swears he's done with me now.

i should apologize for being such a bitch.
i don't think he deserved it.
i just feel bad for his live in girlfriend.
she thinks they are getting married and living happily ever after.
and if he's not having sex with me it will only be a matter of time before he fucks someone else.
he's a man whore, he said it himself.

i hate owing him money, i feel like he has power over me while i do.
i hate that i gave him so much control.
i handed myself to him on a silver platter and i didn't know all the rules.
the only person i should be angry with is myself.
i hate to share.

bret totally went off on me too.
i don't need this crap right now.
i want a paternity test.
if it's my baby i'll live with u and take care of the baby,
but that doesnt' make us a couple.

why do i only want to be with men that only want to have sex with me?

scott - has a live in girlfriend.

bret - is still hung up on lynn

my ex husband - i wasn't a man

his brother - i wasn't his wife nor the mother of his children

ron - i wasn't his mother

i always fall in love with men that cannot love me back.
but this baby will love me and i will love this baby with everything i have.
this will probably be my last child, this is it.
i have to be super mom to this kid.
i will matter to this baby.
i have a purpose again!

Today Sucked!

work was exhausting and brutal. i have a problem that has me stumped which is just adding to the long list of my frustrations.
bret got his house broken into and all his and his daughter's stuff stolen.
his daughter has walking pneumonia at 6.
plus, his boss/landlord told him if he didn't get his custody stuff resolved on 11/30 he needed to move.
wow, when it rains it pours and i was of no comfort.
i couldn't say more then i'm sorry, i feel bad, i hope your daughter feels better.
then i just started to ramble on and on about myself.
and he went off on me, rightly so, i wasn't being consoling or comforting.
i'm not good at that sort of thing.
i don't function well in times of crisis, i shut down and go on auto pilot.

on the up side yesterday, scott, jackie, and other told me i was pretty.
that's always nice to hear.

i'm getting away from my goals.
i'm losing my focus. i'm letting others influence me again
i think i will meet my birthday goal of 199 pounds, i actually lowered it to 192.
but as usual i'm getting obsessed with it and i'm afraid i'll take it off too quickly.
my birthday isn't until nov. 28th
so it is time to readjust my perspective and zero back in on my health.

tonight was grilled chicken and broccoli with cheese sauce (red. fat)
and a granny smith wood chuck hard cider.
that's a fruit serving right ;)