Straight and Narrow Like an Arrow

I'm working on my inner self trying to find a path that doesn't involve getting my heart ripped out and eating myself to death.
I'm scared of men and love so I've turned to God.
I'm burying myself behind the bible, scripture, weekly church attendance and Amens!
I've taken a vow of chastity and I'm focusing on my own spirtual, physical, emotional and mental health.

My A1C is down to 6.6 from 7.4 a year ago and if I keep going I can stop taking the diabetes medications!

I know through God all things are possible!

As I exercise I keep telling myself that.
I don't mind walking that exercise doesn't bother me at all, but when it is brutal weather I have to exercise inside.
I loathe my stationary bike!
It is nothing personal I'd just rather be outside walking.
But I ride the bike and then I do some minor lifting with a small weight since I have the bad shoulder I do small weight and many repititons.
I get sick of it quickly though, but I know my body needs it to be healthy.

My body is a temple not a wasteland or hollow vessel for men to walk all over!
I'm trying to be a better me.
I know it is in here somewhere but digging her out is more difficult than I ever imagined.
I'm a panic orientated person for all committments.
I never realized how committment phobic I've become.
I don't like putting anything in stone.
It freaks me out!!!!

I've had to start learning how to meditate before I pray.
My mind is so busy and full of static I could not clear it to pray anymore.
Every time I went to pray a million other thoughts would be swirling in there, work, the cute guy at church, chores, tv.
It was ridiculous, how can I connect with God and become calm and centered when I got 200 channels on at once in my head.
So, I bought some books and googled meditation and I taylored it to a more christian theme.
Now I focus on God and repeat an affirmation over and over why I focus on my breathing until I'm relaxed and focused.
Some days it can take 5-10 minutes before that happens.

I feel some days that the entire world lives inside my head and I can't turn it off.
I do feel better after I meditate and then pray.
I get a sense of calm and peace and even feel like one day God will answer me.
I don't ask for much, I mostly thank Him for putting up with me and my stubborn stupidity.
I am very stubborn and stupid and He is a patient Father.
I know I test my dad here on earth I can only imagine how Heavenly Father feels because he KNOWS EVERYTHING and my daddy here DOESN'T - lol :)

But I'am an imperfect soul and all I can do is work towards God's love and be humble, be honest, be kind, and of course, always silly!!!!

May you turn to God's love and it find you well.

Today Sucked!

work was exhausting and brutal. i have a problem that has me stumped which is just adding to the long list of my frustrations.
bret got his house broken into and all his and his daughter's stuff stolen.
his daughter has walking pneumonia at 6.
plus, his boss/landlord told him if he didn't get his custody stuff resolved on 11/30 he needed to move.
wow, when it rains it pours and i was of no comfort.
i couldn't say more then i'm sorry, i feel bad, i hope your daughter feels better.
then i just started to ramble on and on about myself.
and he went off on me, rightly so, i wasn't being consoling or comforting.
i'm not good at that sort of thing.
i don't function well in times of crisis, i shut down and go on auto pilot.

on the up side yesterday, scott, jackie, and other told me i was pretty.
that's always nice to hear.

i'm getting away from my goals.
i'm losing my focus. i'm letting others influence me again
i think i will meet my birthday goal of 199 pounds, i actually lowered it to 192.
but as usual i'm getting obsessed with it and i'm afraid i'll take it off too quickly.
my birthday isn't until nov. 28th
so it is time to readjust my perspective and zero back in on my health.

tonight was grilled chicken and broccoli with cheese sauce (red. fat)
and a granny smith wood chuck hard cider.
that's a fruit serving right ;)

Days like Today

the softness of the dog's fur when i pet her
the coldness of the morning breeze
the saddness of an acoustic guitar plays
the stillness of my self as i meditate
the beauty of the moment sinks in
days like today i appreciate being lonely

the warmth of the sun upon my face
the roughness of the patio concrete against my feet
the sweetness of a cherry coke on my tongue
the songs of the birds in the trees
the simplicity of life washes over me
days like today i admire God's work

the quiet of my mind
the focus of my thoughts
the joy of my heart
the smile i have right now on my face
the faith i am feeling
days like today i remember why i breathe

the sorrows of my mistakes ease
the passions of my heart are pleased
the confessions of my soul are addressed
the questions of my mind are answered
the miracle of contentment settles on me
days like today i am thankful to be alive