an update that's long overdue

surgery went fine and i feel great.
it was a rough first 2 weeks after especially not being able to drive.
and if i pushed myself too far my body bitch slapped my right back.
the pain was tolerable, just like the worst period i'd ever had.
the doctor and nurses were amazed at how well i handled it all.
i was pretty surprised as well.
i didn't need the heavy drugs that much in the hospital.
i didn't touch the oxycodone she sent home with me.
i did you my tramadol and muscle relaxer some but not alot.
my shoulder got messed up from being on the couch so much and twisting to do the computer.

my dad helped a lot.
the kid did what she could.
i was walking the dog again by week 3.
but not for long walks.
she tugs and pulls way too much.
and i had to lie down as soon as we got back.
the dog caught on really quick that she had to stay off my stomach.

i am now back at work and life is back to normal minus my female cycle.
i do not miss it at all.
i have only had 2 migraines since.
one in the hospital cause they wouldn't let me take my medicine.
the doctor was called and said let her take her medicine.
i finally was allowed to take it but the migraine had started so they gave me pain pills.
i had another one the first month after when my period would have been due,
but it was mild and went away with the replax after an hour.

since then no more migraine (insert happy dance here)
i feel so much better.
i'm saving a fortune on female products.
i am sending out nearly $500 a month in medical payments.
but hopefully they will be paid off by the end of the year.
a few of the smaller ones are already paid off.
but surgery isn't cheap.

right now i'm stressed out between work and stuff in the house breaking.
garbage disposal, air conditioner needs a new coil, dish washer isn't draining
at work the company is struggling and i had to take a pay cut
and then i have all these medical bills that i am paying
so i have gotten depressed so i've been getting colds and allergies and sinus infections
i'm sleeping a lot and not doing well controlling my type 2 diabetes
which sucks
but i'm trying to pull out of it and do better
i just have to do better

The Cold Snow at our New Home

the snow has come twice now since we've moved into our house.
the winds have been fierce.
we've had the trash can and some chairs blown around.
one night i thought the big bad wolf outside trying to blow the house down.
the entire house shook, literally, it woke up the dog, the kid, and me.
i thought it was a tornado and i know what those are like.
but we survived and the roof survived.

it is scary to own this home.
the garage door is acting up when it is cold it won't close.
i haven't built up my reserves again for issues like this.
so i'm worried something will break and i won't be able to fix it.
scary and so real, no more calling the maintenance man
now i'm maintenance, and i suck with screws and bolts and nuts.
i'm not even allowed to operate power tools.
that stems from childhood, my dad tried to teach me but after several painful and expensive mishaps,
i was regulated to holding things, point the flashlight there, hold this up, move this over...
and i'm not that good at that.
i just don't have good mechanical skills.

i'm more of a thinker then a doer.
i think about doing things all the time.
i have some really great ideas.
but nothing ever gets done unless it urgently needs to.
i do so much at work that when i get home i don't want to do anything.
even if i enjoy it, it is still effort, time, and work.
i'm hoping i'll develop the do it yourself spirit, but i'm not holding my breath.

the last time someone let me use a glue gun i ended up being banned from crafts class and
a lady got 2nd degree burns on her hands...

i'm a one woman walking talking hazard waiting to happen.

It's About the Choices

Our quality of life is all about the choices we make. I feel grateful and blessed to live in a country where you can fuck your life up as much as you want as long as you keep to yourself and don't take anyone else's life in the process.

It is amazing how certain words stick to you. They strike a chord within you and they linger in your subconscious at the oddest times. I remember sitting in church when the speaker, who i was ignoring, got my attention, when he said, "marriage vows say in sickness and health and for better or worse, for better or worse, who you marry changes your life either for the better or the worse, think about that!" i had never really thought about marriage that way, of course it's a choice to marry someone but do you really think about the better or worse part until the worse part comes?! i know i sure as hell didn't.

today as i contemplate a choice, i think back to those words, no i haven't been proposed to; this is more career related, but even jobs can make your life better or worse. i had one job stress me out to the point i had to be checked for ulcers. i was cracking under the pressure to be a perfect working machine, 24/7. i couldn't handle the stress. that job changed my life for the worse and the money, the perks, the benefits didn't make that stress and my sliding health any better, i got better when i got laid off, it was a relief.

this new opportunity has pro's and it has con's.
more money, pro
longer commute, con
work every day in the office, con
learn a new skill set, pro
stable company, pro
bonuses and benefits, pro
more pressure to perform, con

i'm torn... i have to look at this opportunity and for once decide yeah or nay, because usually i take a job because i have to, i've been laid off a lot the past 6 years and i want to be more proactive this time.

i have to keep asking myself will this job make my quality of life better or worse?

Catching Up

A breakup, a heat rash all over my belly, back, and ass, a pit bull attacks Sophie the Puggle... that was all in a week's time.

I've been recovery ever since.

My heat rash required staying out of the sun, there goes boosting my vitamin d, using benadryl, and trying not to itch.
benadryl, might as well be pot for me. it stones the hell out of me. i sit there and stare out to space drooling then eating, but i don't itch!

i'm still all broken out and i go to take sophie the puggle for walk and a neighbor's pitbull charges her and i pick sophie up to get them separated. the pit bull never bit, i think it was more about intimidation and submission, but poor sophie was freaked out. i got all scratched up on top of the heat rash. i hurt for days.

the owner apologized profusely. i did not call it in because the pit never bit, but i told him if one of the kids was walking sophie this would have been very bad. he said they'd more careful with her. their apartment door was open and they were going in and out when she saw sophie walking by and attacked. i kicked the pit to break it up, but it did not work. picking up sophie to break up the attack was the only thing i could think of, thankfully it worked!

work has been crazy, i will be in the office most of next week.

my kid started her job and is complaining, but reality is here. she can't stay in school forever, we can't afford it at all.

b. and i are talking. we are going to be friend's. my co-worker was messing with me on alot of stuff, just making crap up to get a rise out of me. he's like that. i don't like it when people play with other's emotions. i love b. and he loves me and it just got so messed up because other people messing with us. so we are talking and being friends and just caring about one another. he's not my boyfriend anymore, but he's still so much fun to be with.

it's funny how much time we spend planning our lives and then out of nowhere one little thing changes everything and all those plans are destroyed.

flexibility and adaptability are critical in this life!

Today Sucked!

work was exhausting and brutal. i have a problem that has me stumped which is just adding to the long list of my frustrations.
bret got his house broken into and all his and his daughter's stuff stolen.
his daughter has walking pneumonia at 6.
plus, his boss/landlord told him if he didn't get his custody stuff resolved on 11/30 he needed to move.
wow, when it rains it pours and i was of no comfort.
i couldn't say more then i'm sorry, i feel bad, i hope your daughter feels better.
then i just started to ramble on and on about myself.
and he went off on me, rightly so, i wasn't being consoling or comforting.
i'm not good at that sort of thing.
i don't function well in times of crisis, i shut down and go on auto pilot.

on the up side yesterday, scott, jackie, and other told me i was pretty.
that's always nice to hear.

i'm getting away from my goals.
i'm losing my focus. i'm letting others influence me again
i think i will meet my birthday goal of 199 pounds, i actually lowered it to 192.
but as usual i'm getting obsessed with it and i'm afraid i'll take it off too quickly.
my birthday isn't until nov. 28th
so it is time to readjust my perspective and zero back in on my health.

tonight was grilled chicken and broccoli with cheese sauce (red. fat)
and a granny smith wood chuck hard cider.
that's a fruit serving right ;)

Die Monday Die!!!

today sucked!!! this monday was nothing but disappointment, bad news, problems, errors, and just bullshit!!!

bret's court date got cancelled, so i won't see him this week at all :(
he sounded super bummed too, he really just wants to get back to living his life with him and his daughter,
his custody battle has been going on since jan.
no wonder people take justice into their own hands, our court system moves way too slow!!!
i was so looking forward to seeing him and getting laid!
i'm selfish i know.
i want him to get what he wants too.
i still care about him alot and i only want goodness and happiness in his life.

i have to work saturday, so i can't go to my baby cousins 5th birthday party again.
my jewish co-worker seems to only be jewish when she gets the day off.
it is her turn to work the weekend, but it's the holiest of holy days for the jewish faith and there's no work.
lovely! i have to work christian holidays if that's what is required of my job.
i'm sick of having to work around her religon, she doesn't work around mine!
she eats bacon for God's sake!!!
and didn't even know if the kid she adopted was automatically jewish or had to be converted!
work is frustrating to me right now.
that is what happens when everything is due all at the same time!

then there's jackie, the perv neighbor that keeps wanting to touch my boobies.
i was all wound up friday thinking scott (the naughty neighbor) and i were finally going to have sex
and i flashed jackie, i had on no bra.
he said my boobs looked like GUM DROPS!!!
then he wanted me to show them to his roommate and kept talking about them to his roommate.
his roommate says he's never heard him talk about boobies like that before.
i know i can't keep a secret, but i thought a man could, sheesh!
he's cut off!!!!

so scott (the naughty neighbor) shows up thursday, we have our usual make out, grab ass fest,
then he says he's coming down friday to fuck me hard.
he doesn't show...AGAIN!!!
so sick of that man getting me all wound up and then nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch!!!!
he tells me sunday that he had to work late.
i was like it happens.
i really don't care anymore.
the next time he comes around i'm just going to go NO, sorry, not interested.
unless he touches me then i cannot tell him no.
damn it!!!

i need to pull my head out my ass and start seriously applying myself to finding a long term exclusive relationship with a good man.
easy right!!!

Enjoying the Peace and Quiet

yesterday was busy all morning. got the kid moved in to her dorm. she found out there's no cable. her roommate didn't move in until today.
my neice looks better. she's stilil really really weak. it could take her months to get her strenght back. but she's feeling better. we talked alot about what has been happening with her. she's got a bright future, it's sad she let her ex cloud her thinking to the point where she could not see it.
but i have high hopes she's ready to move on and forward to bigger and better people, things, and blessings.

celebrated the empty house by dancing around in the nude. after a half hour i got cold and put a some clothes on. but i enjoyed and reveled in the moment. went to the grocery and got lots of healthy food. grapes, strawberries, carrots, celery, whole wheat bread, lean turkey, and still walked 2 miles. it was a productive day.
today not so much. i only had until 2pm to do whatever i wanted to do then i had to work.

took the dog to the dog park. walked me 3 miles. came home, cleaned a little then it was time to sign on :( and even as i write this, i'm still logged onto work, i'm waiting for the patches to be installed to fix a problem we've had with weights and volumes on shipments showing correctly in the system. then after that, hopefully, i will be able to start all the jobs back up and get off the work computer.

i'm excited. the weight loss is going well. the kid is off doing her own thing. even though i'm alone, i'm not sad about it. life is good right now.

shake, rattle and roll, it's an earthquake baby!

5.9 quake in VA.

we live near columbus ohio and i didn't feel anything, but my kid did. it's weird because we are in the same house, the dog barked and growled, i wondered why the trees were shaking. my co-worker in NJ had her Mom and husband call her in a panic. they both felt the earthquake, my co-worker didn't feel it either. maybe because we are so focused on our work ;)

my kid is now convinced 2012 is the end of days.
she can be so silly.
i told her if there is a natural disaster of worldly proportions, i just want to die in the first wave. i could not bare to live without functioning bathrooms and no food and/or water.

my middle name is irene, i'm so excited i finally got a hurricane and she looks like she's going to do some damage too. weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
i know i'm weird to be cheering for a hurricane, it's not that i want anyone to get hurt, i just like the idea of destruction, not the actual application of it.

i've often been compared to hurricanes and tornadoes. i was once referred to as chaos in solid form. it's the mood swings, i'm up then down, then i turn around a shake it like i'm jacked up on crack.

man -- i am in a mood today. co-worker told me to go home if i was sick, i just said my muscles hurt from all the walking. and he told me to drink a red bull, and i said, why, i'm being quiet cuz i hurt, and then he changed his mind and said he preferred the quiet.

the neighbor has me all confused. i told him i just want to be neighbors again. he and his "good friend" look happy and in love, she is such a blind idiot. i feel sorry for her. i think i can behave myself as long as he doesn't touch me. i feel like i'm in the middle of a hurricane and a earthquake combined when he touches me. the hickey he gave me is almost gone now. i'm such a horny slut, i hate myself.

jack, dr. pepper, and cherry syrup

went to the summer work outing, free booze and food, i had 4 jack, dr. pepper's, and cherry syrup drinks. i was a buzzing, switched over to water and managed to come in 2nd place in the pool tournament.i won a visa gift card and a 10 peice bamboo serving set, which our company makes.

so it was a fun day. i suck at bowling and corn hole, but i'm okay with pool. i don't think i embarassed myself too badly. and i had fun. the food was okay. i didn't eat much.

got home and me and the kiddo's got subway and chinese. got loads of leftover's in the fridge. my hips hurt from bowling and my legs hurt from all the walking i've been doing with my nieces. i think i've walked 5 1/2 miles since wednesday, which is 5 miles more then i usually walk.

back to work on monday. i hate that work drags and vacatins fly by.
i hope i'm done with my period, it has seemed to stop, as if 16 days wasn't enough!!!

someone disabled my biological interface filter

wow, i've really put my foot in my mouth this time. and i can't seem to stop. i've been so hopped up on caffiene for the last couple days to stay awake to get through the extra work load that my mouth has been running at 5 times the speed of my thoughts. this has resulted in some people outside my department and maybe a few in my department to get offended. i need to get my disabled biological interface filter back on line, ie.. i need to shut my trap and focus on the work.

i've been manic for like 5 days now and i'm crashing bad. i am looking forward to my dentist appointment tomorrow for several reasons. i get pain pills. i get to take the afternoon off of work and i'll be so numb from the procedure i won't be able to talk for at least two hours afterwords!!!!

i'm afraid the damage might already be done though. i can't take back what i said, heck, i can't remember even a quarter of what i said. someone said well you shouldn't have said that and i was like i said that, and they were like yeah. and i was honest and said i didn't remember. that is what happens when i get manic, stuff just flies out of my mouth and i don't remember what i said or to who or when. it's is crazy!!! i was craving sugar, pop, zingers, twinkies, ice cream.... i spent money i don't have and just made a general ass out of myself in front of co-workers.

yup, a sucky week and it's only wednesday. i think i've gotten myself calmed down, but now i'm so exhausted from it all i just want to sleep for a week. i really need some vacation time!!!

You can dye out the blonde, but the blonde never dies out!!!

I am having serious blonde moments today. I have my work laptop next to my personal computer cuz we got big lecture about using the internet on the work laptops for personal reasons, so i'm keying away on my facebook status and i look up at the monitor on the home pc and my status is blank. huh?
i look at my laptop screen and i had keyed into skype for work my facebook status, my co-worker, was like, what does that mean????

am i gifted or what?

now that i am using the correct keyboard let's see if my day will get any better.

forgot to take meds this morning

i knew i forgot to do something this morning. i hate when my schedule and routine are messed with. getting up at 6 so i can go to work then the kid can take the car after dropping me off and she gets to work by 8 sucks.

i figured out by 9 what i forgot, my eyes were watering. i was sneezing. i had a headache and i hurt and ached. i forgot to take my morning meds. allergy pill, savella (fms) and my tryglceride med. it was an EXTREMELY LONG DAY!!!

i was working 7 - 4 and i told my boss, wow, i'm exhausted it must be close to 4 and he said no it's not even 2:30 yet!!!! These kind of days, where they go on forever, just suck.

i had to come home and take my day meds with my night meds. i laid down to just make sure, but i'm not hungry and now i'm not tired. so happy tomorrow is a work from home day!!!

Day 6 of my no tv challenge

Almost turned on the tv when i sat down to eat dinner, caught myself, some bad habits die hard!

work was frustrating, i had a miscommunication that resulted in some work having to be redone. i was talking oranges and they was talking apples. i just need to shake it off and accept i made a mistake and move on. it really was my fault.

so it is too hot and humid to go outside to unwind so i'm eating a tapioca snack pack and listening to the hum of the air conditioner. ah, the joy of air conditioning! God Bless the human being that invented it. Houses are built like little vacuum sealed look alike packages anymore. And would be unbearable without heat and air conditioning. I don't know how I survived my childhood with no air conditioning in the summer, well the house was old and had huge windows and was built to let air move around, but it still got really yucky hot inside the house sometimes.

my mind is burnt out right now. i think i will try to read some scripture, not sure if that will calm my mind or confuse me more. i guess i'm gonna find out.

Upbeat Day

after a brutally long work day yesterday, i thought i'd wake up feeling exhausted and burnt out, so it was a happy surprise to realize i feel great!
i'm in a good mood. i'm feeling happy and content. maybe it's finally an up day in the bi-polar universe and it's about damn time.

i've been reading positive books, like Gordon B. Hinckley's 10 Virtues to Stand up for and Mariann Williamsons Everyday Graces. Excuse me if the spelling is wrong or the title inaccurate the books are upstairs and i don't feel like going up to get them.

i've noticed when i surround myself in positive things, movies, books, scripture, people, that temporarily i feel positive myself. i am unable to sustain the momentum though and the darkness always calls me back, the curse of being bi-polar 2.

maybe it's a good day because i woke up and for once, in what has seemed an eternity, it is not raining, the sun is out!!!! it is very cold outside and it is odd to have the furnace on in May, the last time I had to wear my winter coat in may, i was in 8th grade and had a mullet, but the sun is such a welcome reprieve from the gloomy rains.

go outside today and just be thankful to see the sun, that's what i'm going to do today!!!

change sucks

my boss is leaving work and i hate not knowing what's going to happen next. not only am i going to have to work more but what if i don't like my new boss. and trust me i have one of those personalties that if you don't get it, you don't like me. and that has happened to me with a couple of bosses before and it has never ended well for me.

change just sucks. i had my little routine going, i was used to the status quo and now i gotta adapt. the older i get the less i like that word, adapt.
but time only moves forward, so i just have to suck it up and put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

being a mature adult really stinks sometimes, why was i in such a rush to grow up, i think i was sold a bad bill of goods!

O What a beautiful day!

spring is in the air, crazy happy madness everywhere!
getting urge to clean, must fight it!

wow, it is a nice day. to bad i'm chained to the work laptop due to system issues. i have to check it every couple of hours. so i can't go too far or stay gone too long. at least they didn't call me at 3am to bounce the application, my boss did that, but he leaves on 3/29 and my buffer is gone, so sad. next few months could be rough with an increased work load. that will make me cranky, which really isn't that hard to do.

so i'm watching the harry potter marathon, chilling, and i did a little cleaning. i need to get out into the garage and get through the last bit of crap from the move that never got put where it needs to go.

my kid is unenthusiastic about this, like i'm looking forward to it (sarcasm here people)

i have to take my kid to a therapist, and she's been prescribed zoloft. doc thinks she has an anxiety disorder and is possibly ocd. none of which surprises me. i'm bi-polar and have borderline personality disorder, her dad's side suffers from anxiety and ocd issues. i told her, did you really think with your DNA line you'd come out with zero mental issues, as if!!!

It could be worse. She just doesn't like be called crazy, which made me laugh. I'm so used to be called crazy it doesn't phase me anymore. I think she's just scared. But I knew this day would come, I've been seeing things for about 4 years now that have made me wonder, but if i brought up the subject she'd melt down faster then an overheated nuclear reactor. She did the same thing to the doc, but the doc wouldn't let her be about it.

Like I said the next couple of months should be real interesting, changes at work, both my kid and i medicated. yes, loads of fun, loads!!!!

It's been awhile

i can't really say i've not blogged cuz i've been busy. i've been more in a blue funk really. i get excited about christmas, realize how broke i am, and how much i miss my mom, and how my relationship isn't exactly what i hoped it would be, and i get depressed, sit on the couch all day and star out the window!

yup, exciting right?

but now i'm getting sick, so i'll have a real reason to mop and not just the emotional baggage that i carry around in my head. sore throat, stuffy nose, and a headache, all right before the weekend. and i have alot to do this weekend too, more then the standard cleaning that i put off until sunday at 6pm to do. gab's got work. i got to prep for visitor's next weekend. the washer is fixed, so laundry must be done, work won't like it if i come in naked.

so much to do, there's barely any food in the house, i got bills to pay, the dog needs bathed, brushed and fought with to get her toe nails clipped. that's like trying to brush the teeth on a alligator. she doesn't like it and goes wild like a bucking bronco when you bring out the toe nail clippers. i could pay someone to do it, but you did read how broke i am up above right???

tis the season to lose your mind, fa la la la la f*ck!!!

pay day friday's are supposed to be happy days

i'm so depressed. there has been no solution to the college shortage of funds. looks like my daughter will have to withdraw from college on monday. and to make matters worse i bounced a check, i thought it had cleared, i checked it off and everything, i must of got it confused with another check. i am a financail train wreck!

my daughter is going to spend a week with her grandma next week. there are job openings at the hospital in nutrition and the cafeteria that are entry level. her aunt works at the hospital so i am hoping her aunt can guide her through the application process. she has to get a job and work and save so she can get back to school. it might not be a 4 year place, but start at a 2 year and build up. she wants it all and she wants it now and it's just falling to pieces.

i feel bad that i can't afford to send her to college for another year, but my finances took a serious beating the last 4 years. i was laid off 3 times in 4 years and 2 of them were in the same year. i'm still paying for defaults and such from those times. we just can't catch a break!

i really want to have a good weekend. please let me get some good news soon.

The Hard to Serve

I get so frustrated when people complain and complain. You offer them suggestions to be helpful and they aren't even interested in trying. They just make excuse after excuse as to why they must keep suffering.

I read an artical once about the hard to serve that are on welfare, medicaid, and they are healthy but they say they can't work. But the truth is they don't want to work. Well, I have a news flash for them, NO ONE WANTS TO GET UP EVERY FRACKIN' DAY AND GO TO WORK!!!!

Then there are the hard to serve political people. They don't vote, but the complain about the government all the time. I agree with my Dad, if you don't exercise your right to vote, then you have no right to complain.

Then the sick ones. I hurt. I ache. I can't sleep. But they won't go to the doctor. If the over the counter stuff doesn't work - go to the doctor!!! Sure it might just be a cold, that's what Heath Ledger, Corey Haim, Jim Henson, and Brittany Murphy thought OR it could be bronchitis or walking pneumonia. If it is a cold the doctor can at least give you strong stuff to take care of the coughing and aches and pains. And if it knocks you our for a day, so what, take the damn day off and sleep off the sickness!!! Is that so hard???

Oh My, Oh Dear, Life is full of Fear!

gab is 19 and had to have dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets which she then pretended to have them eat each other before she ate them.

sophie bit gab's hand trying to take her own bite out of the dino-nuggets. bad puppy!

i'm taking my dad to the columbus zoo for father's day. i'll try not to leave him with the gorilla's even tho i think they are more closely related then people think. i personally prefer the manatee's.

it's hot. not as hot as TN nor as humid, but i have no air conditioning in the car and haven't for 4 years now. i'm going to have to break down and get a newer car or the car will just break down and leave me no choice. i think the latter will be the first thing to happen, unless i win the lottery soon. that's my retirement plan, the lottery, hit the big jackpot and spend it like a fool.

this is all my life is... wake up, shower, take med, go to work, eat breakfast, work, attempt to work, give up on work, go to lunch, work, get frustrated and want to punch the computer, work, then come home, walk the dog, take med, eat dinner, check facebook (no one misses me) check email (no one needs me) blog (no one reads these) watch TV, shower, drink straight from the nyquil bottle, brush my teeth, let the dog out to potty one last time and go to bed. repeat every boring frackin' day of my life.