Settling Down

The big move is done.
Objects placed around each room.
Almost feels like home.

Adjusting to the new night noises.
Wondering where this road leads.
I'm feeling accomplished and pleased.
This is good.
This is right.
This is where I want to be.

The kid is figuring out where to put her stuff.
She overtakes everything she touches.
The buffer is small but necessary.
She's not a child anymore, but a reluctant adult.

She craves my attention like a 3 year old.
I try my hardest to turn her away.
She has to stand on her own as much as I can get her to let me go.
Her red hair matches her quick temper and passionate emotions.
Every day there is some drama in her life that will undo her.
OSU is proving a testing ground for her patience which was always little.

Yes, we are influx.
Yes, we are taking on new challenges.
But I tell her, this is how a life gets lived, in motion, not in rest.
So we will see where we end up.
I hope for her and I both we enjoy the journey and love the destination.
We are settling down into our own for the first time ever home.
Time will tell, it always does.

A Sad Cold Rain

it is a dreary day, a sad cold rain is falling.
of course, the rain can't really be sad, i'm the sad one.
i shouldn't be surprised that i can't shake this depression.
yesterday it was the 16th anniversary of my mom's death.

i was doing okay until jodi posted on facebook she was thinking of me and mom.
i couldn't concentrate on anything after that.
i miss her.
i try to remember the good times, but so much of my emotional damage comes from my relationship with my mother.

the whole reason i went into computers is because she didn't know anything about them,
so she couldn't constantly correct me.
she overtook anything i did that she knew how to do because i wasn't doing it right.
she could be my biggest cheerleader and my cruelest critic.
i guess she was only doing what her mother did to her.
she could never please grandma lois.
i know my mom loved me, but i wish she could've been less critical of me.

whenever i pick myself apart, whenever i fill up with doubt,
it was always her voice in my head when i was younger.
the 16 years has made her voice go away.
i can't even remember what she sounded like without watching a video.
but now it is my voice in my head that has replaced hers.
and i think that's a very bad thing.

i love my mom.
i miss my mom.
even my shrink said i never had a chance to resolve my issues with mom,
so i'm letting myself be haunted by what if's and maybe's.
isn't funny how i tear myself apart and put myself down
all because i think she wouldn't be proud of me today.
i have no idea how'd she feel about me and my life today.
it's all in my head, it's always been all in my head.
and it is always my fault!

Bittersweet Tennessee

the funeral will be in a couple of days so we have to pack up and head to tennessee.
it'll be wonderful to see the family, it's been a couple of years, but it'll be sad that we are all there for MeeMaw's funeral, so bittersweet, this trip to Tennessee.

when i was 7 grandpa and Meemaw retired and moved from Ohio to Tennessee. I went from seeing them every day to seeing them on our summer vacations for a week. i missed them very much.
as i got older and grew up and had my daughter, we went to see MeeMaw less and less.
then in spring of 2010 she had a stroke, i realized it had been ten years since i had gone to visit.
we went that summer for a long weekend.
it was too short.
that's the last time i saw her.
there was never enough money or enough time to go visit.
i regret that now.
Meemaw had her priorities right, God and family, is what she dedicated her life too.

i have some very difficult decisions to make.
Meemaw's death has made me take a hard look at some of my choices lately.
I've not been making healthy emotional choices.
Scott, Bret, Jackie, all unhealthy for my emotional needs.
I need to make a clean break from empty deadend sexual relationships.
I do want another child, but to conceive via one of these men is just opening my child and I to years of disappointment and heartache.

these men can't change so I must.
when i get back from tennessee i'm going back to church.
i'm going to get back on a righteous path.
God and family will be my focus.
I've already been working on my physical health, now it's time to meet my emotional and spiritual needs.

God, I'm going to need all the help I can get.
Especially, to tell Scott no.
that word doesn't pop into my head when that man touches me.
i'm caught up in his web, a total fly to his spider.
he knows he's got me, help me break free.
Amen!

After the Long weekend

i am exhausted!

bret and the puppy, named otis, are now safe at their home getting settled. this weekend was full of activity. we made xmas cookies, played with the puppies, had long deep conversations, went to see tron (3 out of 5 stars), ate out, and just connected i think at a very deep level this weekend.

this weekend was less about the physical part of our relationship and explored more emotional connections. he was melancholy and way to hard on himself. i encouraged him to give himself a break. he's been through alot in just the past 6 months. why do we find it easier to forgive others then to forgive ourselves?

merry christmas and happy new years!!!

It's been awhile

i can't really say i've not blogged cuz i've been busy. i've been more in a blue funk really. i get excited about christmas, realize how broke i am, and how much i miss my mom, and how my relationship isn't exactly what i hoped it would be, and i get depressed, sit on the couch all day and star out the window!

yup, exciting right?

but now i'm getting sick, so i'll have a real reason to mop and not just the emotional baggage that i carry around in my head. sore throat, stuffy nose, and a headache, all right before the weekend. and i have alot to do this weekend too, more then the standard cleaning that i put off until sunday at 6pm to do. gab's got work. i got to prep for visitor's next weekend. the washer is fixed, so laundry must be done, work won't like it if i come in naked.

so much to do, there's barely any food in the house, i got bills to pay, the dog needs bathed, brushed and fought with to get her toe nails clipped. that's like trying to brush the teeth on a alligator. she doesn't like it and goes wild like a bucking bronco when you bring out the toe nail clippers. i could pay someone to do it, but you did read how broke i am up above right???

tis the season to lose your mind, fa la la la la f*ck!!!