A Sad Cold Rain

it is a dreary day, a sad cold rain is falling.
of course, the rain can't really be sad, i'm the sad one.
i shouldn't be surprised that i can't shake this depression.
yesterday it was the 16th anniversary of my mom's death.

i was doing okay until jodi posted on facebook she was thinking of me and mom.
i couldn't concentrate on anything after that.
i miss her.
i try to remember the good times, but so much of my emotional damage comes from my relationship with my mother.

the whole reason i went into computers is because she didn't know anything about them,
so she couldn't constantly correct me.
she overtook anything i did that she knew how to do because i wasn't doing it right.
she could be my biggest cheerleader and my cruelest critic.
i guess she was only doing what her mother did to her.
she could never please grandma lois.
i know my mom loved me, but i wish she could've been less critical of me.

whenever i pick myself apart, whenever i fill up with doubt,
it was always her voice in my head when i was younger.
the 16 years has made her voice go away.
i can't even remember what she sounded like without watching a video.
but now it is my voice in my head that has replaced hers.
and i think that's a very bad thing.

i love my mom.
i miss my mom.
even my shrink said i never had a chance to resolve my issues with mom,
so i'm letting myself be haunted by what if's and maybe's.
isn't funny how i tear myself apart and put myself down
all because i think she wouldn't be proud of me today.
i have no idea how'd she feel about me and my life today.
it's all in my head, it's always been all in my head.
and it is always my fault!

drama gives me a headache

the new year isn't off to a good start, so far, 2011 sucks!
my friend's soon to be ex filed for divorce and custody and informed him thursday she had no intentions of bringing their daughter back from her 3 week visitation. she had a court order and everything. he can't get into legal aid until monday, so he's racked with frustration and worry.

they had an argument where she perceived he was telling her she was a bad mother and 2 days later she files for divorce and custody. i told him sometimes you got to bite your tongue and with her, he just can't do that. she baits him and he rises to it every time. he's had his daughter for almost 2 years but never formalized the custody and it's really biting him in the butt now.

i feel bad for their little girl more then anything. she's being ripped from her current school, which she loved, and has to start a new school on tuesday. she hasn't spent more then 1 day with her puppy, Otis, that I got her for christmas. she wanted to wait until she got back from her mom's to open her christmas' presents with her dad, so now she didn't even have christmas with her dad, plus i bought her tons of new clothes that are with her dad.

i don't see why she couldn't wait until her little girl finishes her first year of school before asking for custody. this is the most destructive and disruptive way to do this. and it makes me sad for Jade, who loves her mommy and her daddy and because mommy and daddy can't act like rational adults with each other she suffers.

i feel for my friend, but i hurt for the little one. i know this happens every day and i've never understood it. i guess i was lucky my kid's dad never contested her being with me. the only thing he griped about was child support and once he tried to claim her on his taxes even though he only saw her two to three times a year at his mother's.

it's giving me a headache from the worry. i just want my little toots to be okay.

Happily Ever After

I want my happily ever after, and even though logically my head tells me that I have a better chance of being struck by lightening, my heart won't give up the search. I want so badly to have someone to confide in, to hold, to love. I've been through so many bad relationships I can only conclude it's me that's broken. These men have gone on to have long marriages after me, but none of my relationships last more then a year. I was married for 4 years, but we only lived under the same roof 7 months. So it's got to be me.

It makes me sad to think I will be growing old alone. It makes me want to die young. I have a better relationship with my female dog then I've ever had with any friends or men. Other then my kid and my dad I lead an isolated existence. I am not good at making small talk and I get bored easily. I can't even remember simple facts about people I meet, like their names and where they are from. I am just not a people person. I am not able to form meaningful life connections. I have no purpose.

I want to walk out into this rainy day and never look back. But I can't. I am a mother, a daughter, and a dog owner. I have responsibilites that I can't just cut away from. I know I feel unimportant, but I do have duties that are important. I just wish I had someone to hold my hand, kiss my lips, and tell me they understand and they're here for me.