A Sad Cold Rain

it is a dreary day, a sad cold rain is falling.
of course, the rain can't really be sad, i'm the sad one.
i shouldn't be surprised that i can't shake this depression.
yesterday it was the 16th anniversary of my mom's death.

i was doing okay until jodi posted on facebook she was thinking of me and mom.
i couldn't concentrate on anything after that.
i miss her.
i try to remember the good times, but so much of my emotional damage comes from my relationship with my mother.

the whole reason i went into computers is because she didn't know anything about them,
so she couldn't constantly correct me.
she overtook anything i did that she knew how to do because i wasn't doing it right.
she could be my biggest cheerleader and my cruelest critic.
i guess she was only doing what her mother did to her.
she could never please grandma lois.
i know my mom loved me, but i wish she could've been less critical of me.

whenever i pick myself apart, whenever i fill up with doubt,
it was always her voice in my head when i was younger.
the 16 years has made her voice go away.
i can't even remember what she sounded like without watching a video.
but now it is my voice in my head that has replaced hers.
and i think that's a very bad thing.

i love my mom.
i miss my mom.
even my shrink said i never had a chance to resolve my issues with mom,
so i'm letting myself be haunted by what if's and maybe's.
isn't funny how i tear myself apart and put myself down
all because i think she wouldn't be proud of me today.
i have no idea how'd she feel about me and my life today.
it's all in my head, it's always been all in my head.
and it is always my fault!

someone disabled my biological interface filter

wow, i've really put my foot in my mouth this time. and i can't seem to stop. i've been so hopped up on caffiene for the last couple days to stay awake to get through the extra work load that my mouth has been running at 5 times the speed of my thoughts. this has resulted in some people outside my department and maybe a few in my department to get offended. i need to get my disabled biological interface filter back on line, ie.. i need to shut my trap and focus on the work.

i've been manic for like 5 days now and i'm crashing bad. i am looking forward to my dentist appointment tomorrow for several reasons. i get pain pills. i get to take the afternoon off of work and i'll be so numb from the procedure i won't be able to talk for at least two hours afterwords!!!!

i'm afraid the damage might already be done though. i can't take back what i said, heck, i can't remember even a quarter of what i said. someone said well you shouldn't have said that and i was like i said that, and they were like yeah. and i was honest and said i didn't remember. that is what happens when i get manic, stuff just flies out of my mouth and i don't remember what i said or to who or when. it's is crazy!!! i was craving sugar, pop, zingers, twinkies, ice cream.... i spent money i don't have and just made a general ass out of myself in front of co-workers.

yup, a sucky week and it's only wednesday. i think i've gotten myself calmed down, but now i'm so exhausted from it all i just want to sleep for a week. i really need some vacation time!!!