Hostile Wildlife

Finally, it is nice enough to go outside and be in the fresh air.
I want to walk. I want to work on the yard.
And everywhere there are bees, wasps, and just hostile wildlife that I am highly allergic too.
I sprayed the bushes, the windows, every nook I could find that they would want to build a nest.
But I couldn't sit out on either my front porch or my back patio because there were so many of them.
It sucked!

I'm going to have to spray again tonight since it rained again.
I just can't have wasps, bees, and the like building nests around the house, mailbox, and bushes.
I get stung and it is bad!!!!
The neighbor kid mowed on Wednesday and by Saturday it didn't even look like he mowed at all.
I have a dandelion sanctuary growing in my yard.
I think they are beautiful, but there was almost 1 bee per dandelion.

The dog kept chasing them.
I kept telling her stop, bad bug.
She just looked at me, like I can get it.
Last year she stepped on a bee and got stung in her paw.
Poor thing kept limping around licking her paw.

I can't spray my whole yard.
I am going to go this weekend and see if I can put something on the grass to kill the dandelions.
Something that the dog won't try to eat.
I might have to keep her off of our grass a couple of days while it works on the dandelions.
I just want to enjoy my yard without fear of being swarmed!

A Sad Cold Rain

it is a dreary day, a sad cold rain is falling.
of course, the rain can't really be sad, i'm the sad one.
i shouldn't be surprised that i can't shake this depression.
yesterday it was the 16th anniversary of my mom's death.

i was doing okay until jodi posted on facebook she was thinking of me and mom.
i couldn't concentrate on anything after that.
i miss her.
i try to remember the good times, but so much of my emotional damage comes from my relationship with my mother.

the whole reason i went into computers is because she didn't know anything about them,
so she couldn't constantly correct me.
she overtook anything i did that she knew how to do because i wasn't doing it right.
she could be my biggest cheerleader and my cruelest critic.
i guess she was only doing what her mother did to her.
she could never please grandma lois.
i know my mom loved me, but i wish she could've been less critical of me.

whenever i pick myself apart, whenever i fill up with doubt,
it was always her voice in my head when i was younger.
the 16 years has made her voice go away.
i can't even remember what she sounded like without watching a video.
but now it is my voice in my head that has replaced hers.
and i think that's a very bad thing.

i love my mom.
i miss my mom.
even my shrink said i never had a chance to resolve my issues with mom,
so i'm letting myself be haunted by what if's and maybe's.
isn't funny how i tear myself apart and put myself down
all because i think she wouldn't be proud of me today.
i have no idea how'd she feel about me and my life today.
it's all in my head, it's always been all in my head.
and it is always my fault!

migraine took its toll

i got on the wii this morning and since tuesday i've lost 7.3 pounds due to my migraine.
i couldn't keep food down, it was either coming out of one end or the other.
now i'm trying to ease my way back into food.
i just had some cucumbers and water.
i have to go to the grocery.
i know i need to kick start my weight loss again because it had stalled, but this is NOT what I had in mind.

taking it easy this weekend.
it's going to be cold and rainy.
i'm going to clean and just avoid certain if not all people.
i'm going to get a hair cut.
and possibly color my hair.

here's hoping to a peaceful and relaxing weekend.

walking it off

wow, i woke up totally depressed. just in the downest of moods. i didn't want to walk, but the rain stopped and i thought, one mile won't hurt.
i started walking and then it started raining, so i grabbed an umbrella at the start of my 2nd lap. the more i walked the less depressed i felt.
i closed my eyes here and there and just felt the rain and the coldness against my face. it felt refreshing.

my old therapist told me that exercise can really help a bi-polar 2 type with the depressive episodes. i didn't want to believe him. i've exercised in the past and never never never got those happy hormones. but walking is different. maybe it's because i can just do it at my leisure, walk as fast or as slow as i want. i listen to my i-pod and try to walk at the pace of the music. i don't know, but i've become obsessed with walking.

i just did 2 miles and i wanted to do one more but the rain and wind picked up. i think this afternoon i'll do 2 more and this eveing 1 more for a total of 5 miles like yesterday. the rain is supposed to be sporadic. and i didn't mind walking under the umbrella. my foot hardly bothered me, so this is good right!

when i get depressed i'll just take a walk!

first day no pop, don't know if that's part of the problem or not. took some excederin cuz i was getting a headache. i'm not trying to give up caffiene, just soda pop. i think it is more likely the chemicals in our food and beverages causing the uptick in cancers, autism, and other neurlogical disorders then say immunizations. the more chemicals we put in our bodies the more potential for a cataclysm of reactions that can't all be good can happen.

i might start eating organic as well. i already have so much stacked against me physically in the genetics department i need to do as much as i can to thwart diseases like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, arthritis (all of which i have showed signs of already!)

now i'm just depressing myself again. the rain storms fit my mood today!

the morning after jack

well i passed out around 6pm, with only 4 miles walked for the day.
i woke up near midnight, all aches and pains gone, thank you jack daniels.
but my memory is hazy, but whisky does NOT give me a hang over.
so i felt great, had a pb and nutella sandwich, some milk, and let the dog out.

i checked on the kid, she says i was too funny. then i went back to bed and slept through the night with no issues.
it started storming overnight and it's raining today, so i will have to get my exercise in on the wii.

i don't like to self-medicate, but even a urgent care visit is expensive and all they would have given me is 800 strenght ib profen, which i had already tried for the past two days and it did not work. but the booze took care of it, it helped me sleep too. i was falling into insomnia again. i hate when that happens.

today will be a better day. i'm going to relax, we exercise, and just enjoy the moments.

Three Shots Today, Sucky Friday

dentist gave me 2 shots in my mouth. I just now was able to eat. It took 3 hours for the shot in my lower right side of my mouth to wear off.

then at the doctor, i got a cortizone shot into my left shoulder tendon.

i'm exhausted. and it started raining while i was walking the dog. so now i'm sweaty and wet, which just makes me feel dirty.

but my should is feeling better and it is friday.
i'm trying to be a positive person.
it is hard on a day like today.

wow, it is really really going to storm.

wow, more rain

the rain keeps coming.
i've had to empty sophie's baby pool 4 times now.
my daughter started to complain saturday that it was too hot.
i told her to shut her mouth and be happy it isn't raining and cold.
she jinxed us, because yesterday the rain started and it is still going strong this morning.

people are never happy.
the grass is always greener on the other side.
why can't we just enjoy the moment?

i even got a little sunburn saturday.
i had sunblock on, it's in my moisturizer, and still got red.
the sun and i have not had a pretty relationship for the past 10 years.
the older i get the less time i spend outside.
so i burn alot faster now then when i was a kid.
and the sunburns are more severe, one year i got blisters!!
that really hurts.

i tried to buy some flowers saturday morning to plant in my little patch of dirt next to my huge concrete patio.
i was in the gardening section outside of the store for less then 10 minutes when i had to go inside because i went into a full blown allergy attack.

my eyes kept itching and watering for another 30 minutes inside the store.
i also kept sneezing!
what is the point of taking an allergy med every morning for the past 3 months if i can't even pick out flowers????

i guess i will just try again this weekend and take the kid so we can speed flower shop! that will be interesting.

yo yo weather sucks

last week we hit the high 80's, yesterday the high was 48 :(

i'm sick again, sore throat, fever, headache, and i hurt like a truck ran over me.

i hate this yo yo weather.

it's been raining non stop for like a month.
even the dog is getting sick of it.
whenever the rain stop she runs to where her leash is, like she is saying, hurry walk me before the rain comes back.

we are supposed to get more rain and be back in the 80's again by the weekend. i can't remember how it feels to feel the warmth of the sun upon my face. no wonder i have to take a vitamin D supplement.

this weather isn't helping me feel any less depressed.
rain, go away!!!!

Upbeat Day

after a brutally long work day yesterday, i thought i'd wake up feeling exhausted and burnt out, so it was a happy surprise to realize i feel great!
i'm in a good mood. i'm feeling happy and content. maybe it's finally an up day in the bi-polar universe and it's about damn time.

i've been reading positive books, like Gordon B. Hinckley's 10 Virtues to Stand up for and Mariann Williamsons Everyday Graces. Excuse me if the spelling is wrong or the title inaccurate the books are upstairs and i don't feel like going up to get them.

i've noticed when i surround myself in positive things, movies, books, scripture, people, that temporarily i feel positive myself. i am unable to sustain the momentum though and the darkness always calls me back, the curse of being bi-polar 2.

maybe it's a good day because i woke up and for once, in what has seemed an eternity, it is not raining, the sun is out!!!! it is very cold outside and it is odd to have the furnace on in May, the last time I had to wear my winter coat in may, i was in 8th grade and had a mullet, but the sun is such a welcome reprieve from the gloomy rains.

go outside today and just be thankful to see the sun, that's what i'm going to do today!!!

so happy that's over now

all my kid could talk about was the stupid royal wedding.
now that it is over, i am so happy!!!!
sick of hearing about it, i bet the coverage won't die down until Monday, but it's hogged up the t.v., internet, and my kid.
i thought it would have been funny if one of them would have changed their mind, but i guess not.

so back to the real world... i know it sucks, but that's where i live, how about you?

weather sucks, it's windy, cold, and raining off and on.
next weekend will be nicer, going to take the kid to tour a technical college Friday, on Saturday going to go see thor with dad and the kid, then visit cousins, then on sunday going to go visit the kid's mamaw as a surprise for mother's day.

so i need like $100 for gas just for that weekend. going to put like 600 miles on the car, dad is 2 hours west, linda is 2 hours south, and the tech college is 2 hours east, so that's a tank of gas each day, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, cuz each trip is just over 300 miles and my new little car get a little over 400 miles a tank, that's if we don't run the air conditioning.

but we don't visit often so it'll be a nice change of pace. i'm looking forward to the visits but not the driving. i think my butt will stay cramped until tuesday. but the whole point of the newer car was so we could go visit more and save on gas.

well the dog is staring at me so she either has to go out to pee or wants petted.

later.

a lull in the rain, finally!

it seems to have been raining now for a solid week. it was freezing cold too. but the rain has finally stopped, for now, and the temp seems to be hovering in the low 60's. so i got windows open, the heat off, and couch pushed over to the window, so the dog can sit on top of the couch and see all the little birdies fly around.

doc put me on a new med to try for my fms. savella, my insurance covers most of it, which is good, i couldn't find it on their drug list so i was worried, i know they don't cover lyrica at all. the pharmacy had to order it so it won't be in until tuesday, which is perfect, because the doc gave me a two week starter pack that increases your dose from 12.5 mg twice a day, to 25 mg twice a day, to finally 50 mg twice a day. So i got time! The doc did say it could take up to 2 months before the med gets in my system enough to make a difference. i hope it makes a difference.

my sleep pattern is totally jacked up. i'm falling asleep okay, but i wake up anywhere from 2am to 6am, and usually multiple times, and i got to put icy hot on my neck, shoulder, back, leg or hip, what ever is hurting worse. i haven't had a flair up this bad for almost 2 years and it's not letting me go either.

easter is tomorrow. this is where having a grown child makes all the difference. we are having fried ham and cheese sandwiches, mac n cheese, carrot sticks, and cupcakes for dessert. we are watching all harry potters back to back tomorrow up to her new 7th one part 1, and she got a solid cadbury milk chocolate money, an easter sock monkey, and a i-tunes card. there were reese's easter peanut butter eggs, but i ate those :( they are my crack, i don't like reese's pb cups, but u put that pb in eggs, x-mas trees, hearts, and/or pumpkins i cannot resist.

hope everyone has a happy easter!!!

Sophie does not like power tools!

dad stopped by after going to a gun show nearby, and put up curtain rods for me. he brought his power drill. he was using the power drill to put up the curtain rods in the living room over by the couch, sophie was watching him sitting on my kid's lap. dad turned around and pointed the drill at the sophie, and the poor dog, jumped a whole foot backwards!!!

i didn't even know a dog could move like that. she ran over to my side of the couch and tried to get under me, it was funny for us, but not so much for her. i guess we know now to keep power tools away from her because they freak her out!!!

she got to digging out in the dirt today too. i put some yard tiles down to walk on in the dirt patches and she dug under one. i couldn't figure out what she was doing. i think she was hoping there was some kind of treat under the tile. she got under it, stuck her nose in the hole she made, sniffed and walked off. now i got to put all the dirt back, silly puppy!!!

well it certainly did not get into the mid 70's today and it rained too!!! but got alot done inside and out. sophie's baby pool is in place and her lounge chair is set up. we sat outside for awhile before and after it rained. she sat on her lounge chair with her eyes closed, but her nose was twitching like crazy.

i think we both could use a nap!!!

not much going on

more rain, more work, more boredom, on top of boredom. disney channel shows are so obnoxious. i leave it on disney in the morning for the dog so she doesn't get lonely. handy manny i can stomach, but the retarded show that's on the boat with the twins is the stupidest, most predictable thing i've ever seen on t.v. the laugh track is constantly going and the jokes are lame-O!!!

i do like phineous and ferb (i probably spelled phineous wrong) why do kids watch this crap, do they just not want to do their homework. and to make it worse i can't find the remote to change it. and where are the parents? why does every kid show find a way to write out the parents? I think the reason patricide has increased is because networks have portrayed on t.v. that life is so much easier and better without your parental units. crazy? maybe, but maybe i'm on to something.

Ain't no rain stopping my dog

Sophie the puggle don't care if it's pouring rain outside, she wants her walk. So I walked her, between the leash, the poop pick up bag and the umbrella I had my hands full.

She didn't make it quick either.

She took her full 1/2 hour to find a spot to poop it out. Then we had to walk back to the dumpster to throw her poo away.

I really really really love my dog!!!!!!

Happily Ever After

I want my happily ever after, and even though logically my head tells me that I have a better chance of being struck by lightening, my heart won't give up the search. I want so badly to have someone to confide in, to hold, to love. I've been through so many bad relationships I can only conclude it's me that's broken. These men have gone on to have long marriages after me, but none of my relationships last more then a year. I was married for 4 years, but we only lived under the same roof 7 months. So it's got to be me.

It makes me sad to think I will be growing old alone. It makes me want to die young. I have a better relationship with my female dog then I've ever had with any friends or men. Other then my kid and my dad I lead an isolated existence. I am not good at making small talk and I get bored easily. I can't even remember simple facts about people I meet, like their names and where they are from. I am just not a people person. I am not able to form meaningful life connections. I have no purpose.

I want to walk out into this rainy day and never look back. But I can't. I am a mother, a daughter, and a dog owner. I have responsibilites that I can't just cut away from. I know I feel unimportant, but I do have duties that are important. I just wish I had someone to hold my hand, kiss my lips, and tell me they understand and they're here for me.