walking it off

wow, i woke up totally depressed. just in the downest of moods. i didn't want to walk, but the rain stopped and i thought, one mile won't hurt.
i started walking and then it started raining, so i grabbed an umbrella at the start of my 2nd lap. the more i walked the less depressed i felt.
i closed my eyes here and there and just felt the rain and the coldness against my face. it felt refreshing.

my old therapist told me that exercise can really help a bi-polar 2 type with the depressive episodes. i didn't want to believe him. i've exercised in the past and never never never got those happy hormones. but walking is different. maybe it's because i can just do it at my leisure, walk as fast or as slow as i want. i listen to my i-pod and try to walk at the pace of the music. i don't know, but i've become obsessed with walking.

i just did 2 miles and i wanted to do one more but the rain and wind picked up. i think this afternoon i'll do 2 more and this eveing 1 more for a total of 5 miles like yesterday. the rain is supposed to be sporadic. and i didn't mind walking under the umbrella. my foot hardly bothered me, so this is good right!

when i get depressed i'll just take a walk!

first day no pop, don't know if that's part of the problem or not. took some excederin cuz i was getting a headache. i'm not trying to give up caffiene, just soda pop. i think it is more likely the chemicals in our food and beverages causing the uptick in cancers, autism, and other neurlogical disorders then say immunizations. the more chemicals we put in our bodies the more potential for a cataclysm of reactions that can't all be good can happen.

i might start eating organic as well. i already have so much stacked against me physically in the genetics department i need to do as much as i can to thwart diseases like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, arthritis (all of which i have showed signs of already!)

now i'm just depressing myself again. the rain storms fit my mood today!

8.8 down 71.2 to go

i lost 8.8 pounds this past week!!!

it is so hard!

i'm trying to undo the damage i've done to myself with over eating since i was a kid. i use food to cope with everything. i even had a panic attack over losing the 8.8 pounds. i had a hot dog before i got ahold of myself. i've always been the fat girl. who am i if i'm not the fat girl anymore???

i have to redefine myself by my insides instead of what i look on the outside. it is scaring the crap out of me. but i talked myself down from the ledge. i'm not doing this because of how i look.

my very life is at stake. i don't want to die before i'm 50, like Mom. I need to lose weight to save my life. My tryglcerides and chlosterol are out of control. My back, knees, and body just hurt from the extra weight.

i'm doing this because it's right for me. i want to live a long and healthy life. i don't want to be winded just getting up from a chair. i don't want to be tired just walking up the stairs. i want to run! i want to be healthy!

i can do this! i can do this! i can do this!!!!

i love to eat, but i love living more!
on with the revolution~

Cinco De Momma

My baby girl bought me dinner at Chipotle!!!! And since my tummy had finally settled I jumped right into a chicken burrito. It was yummy!!! But I might regret that later, i guess i won't find out until later tonight. Of course, dinner came with a don't expect anything for mother's day, quip. I wasn't expecting anything at all since she's heading out to visit her paternal grandma and aunt for the next two weeks. and I have to work this mother's day. i really hope they move the maitenance schedule to the following sunday.

i like to get reflective on mother's day about mom. we had such a dynamic relationship. when i was younger it was more combative and after i had my daughter we became more like friends. i do miss her. i'd like to blame all my craziness on her, but she's probably like 75% of it. i wish sometimes i could just go back and be holding her hand there at the end. we are born alone and we die alone.

and i worry i'll die before i'm 50 just like my mom. i worry about that alot, yet i fail in controlling my eating habits and exercising, which puts me on the path of a blockage in my heart. i need to be proactive but all i do is worry. worry worry worry.