Straight and Narrow Like an Arrow

I'm working on my inner self trying to find a path that doesn't involve getting my heart ripped out and eating myself to death.
I'm scared of men and love so I've turned to God.
I'm burying myself behind the bible, scripture, weekly church attendance and Amens!
I've taken a vow of chastity and I'm focusing on my own spirtual, physical, emotional and mental health.

My A1C is down to 6.6 from 7.4 a year ago and if I keep going I can stop taking the diabetes medications!

I know through God all things are possible!

As I exercise I keep telling myself that.
I don't mind walking that exercise doesn't bother me at all, but when it is brutal weather I have to exercise inside.
I loathe my stationary bike!
It is nothing personal I'd just rather be outside walking.
But I ride the bike and then I do some minor lifting with a small weight since I have the bad shoulder I do small weight and many repititons.
I get sick of it quickly though, but I know my body needs it to be healthy.

My body is a temple not a wasteland or hollow vessel for men to walk all over!
I'm trying to be a better me.
I know it is in here somewhere but digging her out is more difficult than I ever imagined.
I'm a panic orientated person for all committments.
I never realized how committment phobic I've become.
I don't like putting anything in stone.
It freaks me out!!!!

I've had to start learning how to meditate before I pray.
My mind is so busy and full of static I could not clear it to pray anymore.
Every time I went to pray a million other thoughts would be swirling in there, work, the cute guy at church, chores, tv.
It was ridiculous, how can I connect with God and become calm and centered when I got 200 channels on at once in my head.
So, I bought some books and googled meditation and I taylored it to a more christian theme.
Now I focus on God and repeat an affirmation over and over why I focus on my breathing until I'm relaxed and focused.
Some days it can take 5-10 minutes before that happens.

I feel some days that the entire world lives inside my head and I can't turn it off.
I do feel better after I meditate and then pray.
I get a sense of calm and peace and even feel like one day God will answer me.
I don't ask for much, I mostly thank Him for putting up with me and my stubborn stupidity.
I am very stubborn and stupid and He is a patient Father.
I know I test my dad here on earth I can only imagine how Heavenly Father feels because he KNOWS EVERYTHING and my daddy here DOESN'T - lol :)

But I'am an imperfect soul and all I can do is work towards God's love and be humble, be honest, be kind, and of course, always silly!!!!

May you turn to God's love and it find you well.

He Comes Around

another visit from my naughty neighbor scott.
he gave me the maintenance information on the jeep.
i swear he loves berta like he really should love that woman he lives with, but to each his own.
we did our usual plus the anal sex for a minute.
that was different, i'm not sure i liked it, my butthole itches now.
he tried to get me off, bless his heart.
you'd think at his age he'd know how to do it a little better then that.
but considering we were standing up against the garage door you do what you can.

i think this was the last time.
the new year begins the new changes in me.
and he won't be allowed to touch me anymore.
i'll have to be mean about it.
i think if i call him a loser and a 2 pump chump he'll not want to talk to or kiss me anymore.
he rocks on the kissing.
i finished him off with a blow job.
i am going to miss his flavor.
it's like creamy with light saltiness...

scott did NOT get me the snowflake necklace.
he thinks maybe the little twin girls gave it to me,
which would be really sweet, but i haven't seen them out so i'll have to ask them when i do.
otherwise, i won't know who gave it to me and that creeps me out a wee bit.

my hip is seriously messed up.
i fell, thank you balance disorder.
and caught myself with my hip against the wall at the top of the stairs.
i've gained 4 pounds back to 199 again.
and i can only walk a bare mile everyday before my hip goes into spasms.

i'm so old, old, old, old, old.
and some people just annoy the crap out of me.
another neighbor asked what i did and i said i fell,
and she said well the bigger you get the harder you fall,
i gave her the look, but did not say, so u think i'm BIG/aka fat!
she back pedaled so fast it gave me whiplash,
then went to well when you're older,
which i gave her another look, but did not say, so u think i'm OLD!!!
i don't like her, she talks like a stoner.
she tries to be nice, but it just comes off as her thinking she's better then me.
stupid bitch!!!
pain makes me mean!!!

An Uneventful Christmas

i hope everyone had a merry christmas out there in internet land.
my christmas was uneventful.
scott left a snowflake necklace on my porch christmas eve.
it is very pretty but i can't wear necklaces well, i have a thick neck.
so i hung it from my rearview mirror.
i gave a few of my neighbors some anchor shot glasses.
they all seemed to like them.

we got new movies, a new wii game, i got meemaw's perfume, windsong.
as soon as i sprayed it, it was like she had never left.
that's a perfume i would have never guessed at, thankfully, she told her friend what she wore.
it does smell so good.
i keep spraying it so i can think of her.

i spent christmas day eating snickers and drinking alcohol.
it was merry.
only burger king was open so i got dinner from there.
today is all about cleaning.
and walking my laps.
sophie the puggle loves her christmas toys.
there's a squeaky purple bear that she is dragging everywhere.

my kid is spending the week down at her dad's family.
she always has a good time with them.
i'm glad she's close to his family.
at times i wish i had more kids when i was younger.
she's so spoiled a sibling close to her age wouldn't have hurt her.

jan. and feb. are hard for me.
mom died one month after christmas in 1996.
then her and dad's wedding anniversary is feb 10th
and her birthday is feb. 17th.
my thoughts stray to her alot this time of year.
she so loved everything about christmas.
she grew up so poor they never had anything.
i know i'm blessed and lucky.
i have everything i need and even though there are things i want
they are the things you can't buy, like love, attention, time with the one i care about.

so i think my priorities are clear.
God bless you all.
Happy Holidays!!!

A Sweet Sunday

i've walked 5 miles today. i worked out on the wii for 30 minutes today. i had chili. sophie got to go to the dog park. i got my scriptures read. now i'm watching the browns lose :(

today has been a simple and sweet sunday. my right hip hurts a little from a new yoga position i added to my wii routine, the downward facing dog. it is harder then i thought it would be and maybe i'm just way too dirty minded, but every time i do the downward facing dog i think about either bret or scott coming up behind me and banging me. it's me right, i'm too horny!

i got to get my head out of my ass when it comes to men. i'm unrealistic. the men i want only want me because they already have someone else.

i've really got myself screwed up right now. i can't ever seem to achieve any balance in my life, ironic, since i physically have a balance disorder. or is that just an unfortunate happenstance?

i've been making a series of bad decisions of late and i need to snap out of it.

i will survive, i always do, but i tire of the struggle!

Got me some Blues!

i am depressed today. i think i might be pregnant. that would definitely be a shocking surprise. i've been nauseated alot and i went to make a ham sandwich the other day and the ham grossed me out and i puked. now i can't eat meat at all, i can't even look at it. i was like that when i was preggers with my 20 year old with eggs.

so i'm suddenly a vegatarian and worried that i'm preganant. i will test this sunday and if i am i am. i know bret will freak. it's not like i was trying to get pregnant. thank goodness the neighbor guy and i never had sex. i swear i would never be one of those woman that don't know who the father of her baby was.

maybe it's nerves or something. i'm so tired too. and i walk but i don't get any energy from it. i just need to remain calm. i'll test this sunday and next and if i'm still late, but the tests say i'm not pregnant, i go for my yearly woman doctor visit the end of october.

baby stuff is too cute tho.

The Dog Poop incident

This apartment complex constantly reminds me why I no longer want any children!

Yesterday, I'm doing my laps. I do lap one with no problems. I am doing a lap in less then 3 minutes. I round the corner of lap two and I see Butter the dog with one of his little child owners running away from some bushes in front of the apartments ahead of me. I'm thinking great, the kid let the dog crap in the bushes. But that's not a huge deal, I've never seen either child (there are 2) walking that dog ever carry a bag to pick up the poop -- NEVER!!!

So I'm walking along, and a different child waves to me and starts talking, so I slow down and take my ear bud out and turn my head so I can hear what she is saying and I step in fresh dog poop!!! I nearly fall!!! I am annoyed!! I go wash my shoe off and i flag the apartment manager down and show her the poop, we can be fined for not picking it up. I tell her it was Butter, the little girl pipes in that she saw it too and DJ was walking Butter.

So the apt. manager goes and talks to the kid and his Dad. I'm standing by the poop, which is now EVERYWHERE, so the kid knows where to clean it up. I even get him a bag and some paper towels. He comes around the corner and says I don't see it and walks off!!! Little Fucker!!!

So I tell the apt. manager he didn't clean it up. So now she has to call his Mom. I see him and say, go clean up your dog's poop. he won't look at me but he says my dog didn't do that. I tell him, I saw you and your dog there right before I stepped in it. I KNOW it was YOUR DOG!!! And he looks at the ground and says NO it wasn't. I tell him to stop lying and just go pick it up. He runs off with all his little friends. Now I am PISSED OFF!!!

So the apt manager threatens to fine his family $50 and he goes 1/2 assed cleans it up (he's like 8-9 years old) and then he fails to get the bag and paper towels in the dumpster. At this point I am so frustrated and disappointed in the whole situation that I go in to really really clean my shoe, cuz it's even on the top part of it. And my shoes are fairly new and they were expensive!!! I didn't even get a mile walk in.

Now I'm just going to walk while the kids are at school. When they are here I'll go to the dark park or next door where people actually WATCH their kids and not let them run WILD!!! I swear, it is like fucking Lord of the Flies over here at times. They don't get out of the way when a car comes. They get into your stuff. They walk right into your garage if the door is open. I'm DONE!!!

I'm going to start looking around to see if I can find a house to rent or lease to own or something. I'm so fucking sick of neighbor kids!!!

On the upside, this morning I went to the doctor and lost 8 more pounds!!!

Holding my breath

i feel suspended in mid-air like my life is getting ready to take a giant leap forward.
my kid is off to school on Saturday. i am dating again.

i feel like i've been holding my breath waiting for the perfect moment to exhale,
but there's never been a perfect moment for me.

work is crazy right now, but i don't feel drained.
there's a fire in me now.
i feel invigorated.
i didn't know exercise could have such an impact on my emotions.
the walking is progressing and i'm challenging myself more.
i'm adding wii thursday - monday 30 minutes a day to tone and strengthen me.

when i go to bed at night i'm exhausted, but from having my muscles worked.
i'm not depresssed anymore.
i feel accomplished and content.

i don't know what tomorrow will bring but i'm excited instead of scared.
i am really loving my life right now.

Another Confusing Day

men confuse me. the neighbor wanted to talk to me, he wants to explain things. and his little bunny has moved in with him. so he says he's heading down to talk to me around noon, it's going on 4pm and he never showed. and his little bunny is now home. he says he got caught up in work stuff. i said, whatever, he did not like that answer. i don't know what he wants from me. i think bret had it right, it is human nature, especially mine, to want what i can't have. at least i'm having sex with bret. the neighbor is just a big ole tease!!!

my head hurts. i hate sinus headaches. i had chinese food. i watched my portions, and i have leftovers for 3 days now! but now i feel like i need to walk 5 more miles. i did walk 3 miles today. so i did good. if tomorrow is a nice morning, i'll take sophie to the dog park and do 3 laps, aka miles. and then do 3 here around the parking lot for a 6 mile day.

the walking helps clear my head and lifts my spirits. i just wish my sex drive would calm down. or that bret lived closer so he and i could have sex more often. he's depressed over his custody situation. i'm depressed over my whole lonely existence. bret was very clear that we are just friends. there will be no talking every day on the phone. no long distance relationship, he has a life and he has to live it. i'm so sick of him telling me what to do. and he doesn't even think he's telling me what to do.

i should have known that nothing would change with him. now if i can just get this knot out of my stomach that the neighbor gives me every time he looks at me i'd be doing swell.

i love men so much i hate them, every single fucking one of them, even the gay ones!

walking it off

wow, i woke up totally depressed. just in the downest of moods. i didn't want to walk, but the rain stopped and i thought, one mile won't hurt.
i started walking and then it started raining, so i grabbed an umbrella at the start of my 2nd lap. the more i walked the less depressed i felt.
i closed my eyes here and there and just felt the rain and the coldness against my face. it felt refreshing.

my old therapist told me that exercise can really help a bi-polar 2 type with the depressive episodes. i didn't want to believe him. i've exercised in the past and never never never got those happy hormones. but walking is different. maybe it's because i can just do it at my leisure, walk as fast or as slow as i want. i listen to my i-pod and try to walk at the pace of the music. i don't know, but i've become obsessed with walking.

i just did 2 miles and i wanted to do one more but the rain and wind picked up. i think this afternoon i'll do 2 more and this eveing 1 more for a total of 5 miles like yesterday. the rain is supposed to be sporadic. and i didn't mind walking under the umbrella. my foot hardly bothered me, so this is good right!

when i get depressed i'll just take a walk!

first day no pop, don't know if that's part of the problem or not. took some excederin cuz i was getting a headache. i'm not trying to give up caffiene, just soda pop. i think it is more likely the chemicals in our food and beverages causing the uptick in cancers, autism, and other neurlogical disorders then say immunizations. the more chemicals we put in our bodies the more potential for a cataclysm of reactions that can't all be good can happen.

i might start eating organic as well. i already have so much stacked against me physically in the genetics department i need to do as much as i can to thwart diseases like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, arthritis (all of which i have showed signs of already!)

now i'm just depressing myself again. the rain storms fit my mood today!

This kitchen Experiment Rocked Pancakes!

Took plain old generic pancake mix, added the following:
(did the 3 cups of dry mix size)
1/2 cup chopped up Granny Smith Apple
1 tablespoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 single serving of cinnamon applesauce
and 1 1/4 cups water

it made very thick, yummy, pancakes. it was like eating apple spice cake.
i cut the pancake into 4's and dipped it in my butter lite maple syrup.
it was FAB-U-LOUS!

My kid suggests replace apples with miniture snickers chopped up or candy bar of your choice!

i'm taking what i have left and wrapping them individually in foil and putting them in the freezer.
i am pretty sure i can take a whole month to eat them that way.

try it!!!

perfect for this rainy fall like day.
i walked my 3 miles before 10 am and tonight i will walk 2 more.
my foot has healed, thank you God!!!

i'm having a power surge today people, watch out!!!

the blister!!!

well walking is out the window. i put the blister bandage over my expanding blister so i could walk around with the kid at her new school for orientation and registration. i thought it was doing okay. we walked alot.

i get home and go to take the bandage off and check the blister and the bandage had melted into the blister. I had to painfully pull off what i could and the blister came off with it. then i had to cut off the rest for easily to get the rest of the bandage off, but all the skin came off with it.

now i am in alot of pain and the bottom of my foot is red and raw. it is starting to burn and throb alot. and of course, it is a friday so the doctor is closed until monday.

i will just have to suck it up and keep my foot up all weekend. at least my kid is still home for 3 weeks to take care of me. but only if i threaten to not give her any extra money when she goes to school. yup, she really really does not care that i hurt.

whenever i try to do right or good, it always comes back around to hurt me in some way!!!!

i'm a lean mean walking machine!

i have been walking the fat right off of me!!!
i am shooting for 15-20 miles a week.
today i did 2 miles in 1 hour and 15 minutes.
i did another mile after i got back from running errands and once it cools off around 7pm i will walk the last two making this my first 5 mile day.

i'm loving it!

i did only sleep 3 hours last night, but i will blame sexual frustration on that. i think the walking helps to burn that off.
men call women teases, i think they need to look in the mirror first.
i got a hickey, i haven't had one of those since high school.
i have a feeling it will be a no go with the naughty neighbor, the competition is young, thin, blonde, tanned, and according to multiple sources quite nice.

it looks like she is moving in, oh well. it would have been a nice ride until it crashed and burned, like all my past relationships, doesn't matter what the label is, friends, friends with benefits, hook ups, boyfriends, fiancee's or husbands.

i also ran the car through the car wash, vacuumed it, got the kid's laptop a new charger. now we are watching 2 1/2 weeks, a classic! and then it is the grocery store, dinner, and my last walk of the night!

i hate being horny and alone

so i got to bed at 10 my usual time, i fall asleep quickly.
i'm having very specific sex dreams. i wake up so horny i am masterbating in my sleep at 11:45PM. and now i am wide awake with no one to fuck.
i hate these power hormone surges!!!

i think i will just walk it off tomorrow. i got 3 miles in today, i will do 5 miles tomorrow. the more i think about sex the more i will walk.
i will be the skinniest, horniest, oldest bitch alive.

sheesh!!!

day 3 of the no tv challenge

i find it easier to not watch tv when my kid is not home. she is working today and tomorrow, so i have the house to myself. i was sitting on the patio enjoying the beautiful rain free day. the dog was rolling in the grass. i'm listening to my music and relaxing.

the laundry is going and i've already taken the dog on a nice walk. this is freedom! today is full of promise. the house is quiet and i feel calm.
i am loving my tv free life!!!

Ain't no rain stopping my dog

Sophie the puggle don't care if it's pouring rain outside, she wants her walk. So I walked her, between the leash, the poop pick up bag and the umbrella I had my hands full.

She didn't make it quick either.

She took her full 1/2 hour to find a spot to poop it out. Then we had to walk back to the dumpster to throw her poo away.

I really really really love my dog!!!!!!