Resistance is Futile

Sonnet 116 - the bard, Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments.

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.

Love’s not time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

i fell in love with a man who will never love me back.
and then i took what he told me, deep and dark admissions of who he was,
and i turned them on him and used it against him like a weapon.

i shall never blog of this man again after this.

this is my apology to him.
i am a coward.
i can write how i feel, but i can't say how i feel.

i love you just the way you are and i love all of you,
the demons, and all their baggage.
you are perfect to me!
i tried to resist it. i fought it to the bitter end.
i tried to blow it up. i tried to stab it with my words.
i tried to kill it with my actions.
but my love for you is still here and it's not going anywhere!
my apologies will never be enough,
i did damage like i always do when i'm scared.
and i knew i was falling in love with you and it terrified me, so i panicked.

you must be the strong one.
i am the weak one.
if you come i will not tell you to go or tell you no.
resistance is futile when love is in charge and i was never good enough for you.

i love you Scott!

hope springs eternal

i had sex with bret early am yesterday and his sperm can last 2-3 days so i'm hoping that's enough to fertilize and conceive. i hope i hope i hope!

but i'm trying to get scott to kick in a donation for a safety net.
but considering i've confessed that i've told people about him i don't know if he's in play anymore.
i never realized getting a horny man whore to have sex with me would be so difficult.
that's what i get for lying.
i wish i wouldn't lie, but i really really want one more kid.
so i came clean about everything but being on birth control.
sad right, but i'm really in a spot.
i'm 39 it's now or never in my book.

i'm not a good person.
i'm not going to pretend that what i'm doing has some sort of justification.
it's wrong to dup these men.
especially since i care about them.
there's no moral ground to stand on for this.
and if it fails miserably i deserve it.
but i really love being a mom and i miss having a little one.
i should have had more then just one kid.
i kept waiting for the perfect situation and it doesn't exist.
so i'm taking lemons and trying to make some lemonade.

may the men forgive me and God have mercy on my soul.

Holding my breath

i feel suspended in mid-air like my life is getting ready to take a giant leap forward.
my kid is off to school on Saturday. i am dating again.

i feel like i've been holding my breath waiting for the perfect moment to exhale,
but there's never been a perfect moment for me.

work is crazy right now, but i don't feel drained.
there's a fire in me now.
i feel invigorated.
i didn't know exercise could have such an impact on my emotions.
the walking is progressing and i'm challenging myself more.
i'm adding wii thursday - monday 30 minutes a day to tone and strengthen me.

when i go to bed at night i'm exhausted, but from having my muscles worked.
i'm not depresssed anymore.
i feel accomplished and content.

i don't know what tomorrow will bring but i'm excited instead of scared.
i am really loving my life right now.