when do they go back to school?

my kid is a one person destruction crew.
she brought the crutches in from the garage and threw them behind the couch, wtf???
she said it was so if there was a bug on the ceiling she wouldn't have to get up to kill it.
i am cranky, tired, and short fused.
i lost it.
i told her if she keeps moving shit around i will break one of her protruding body parts so she'll NEED the crutches!!!
it's bad enough she keeps knocking the baby Jesus down in the nativity scene by putting her crap on the table,
when does she go back to school, NOT SOON ENOUGH!!!

i can't live with her anymore.
she's rude, disrespectful, lazy, messy and just a bitch every time she comes home.
she thinks she knows everything.
she takes over the t.v. and i want to listen to music.
why can't she disappear into her room like the old days, unseen and unheard.
those days were nice, i liked them, i enjoyed them!!!

i did not sleep well.
i think i punched myself in the eye last night.
i've had spasms in my left eye all day and it's been watering and it hurts a little.
i feel so old.
i've had to wear my glasses all day.
i had bad bad dreams.
i dreamed i told scott i was pregnant and he beat the shit out of me until i miscarried.
extreme concept right, he seems like an alright guy.

but i couldn't keep the thought of him beating the crap out of me out of my head.
so i googled him and he has domestic violence charges from his first marriage.
he had to do probation and domestic violence classes in FL for a year.
so he can be violent.
he was in his 20's and now he's in his 40's so hopefully he's mellowed.
but he did threaten to kill me if i didn't deny our sexual encounters.

i am discombobulateed between the previous sentence and this one scott knocked on the door.
blow job, private part rubbing, making out, dry humping, back to sexual frustration for one!!!
told him about my dream, he thought it was stupid
and then he kissed me, he is a really GREAT kisser!!!

so sick of driving

wow, i put 649 miles on the car and spent $600 bucks this weekend.
Friday was getting the kid from college, doing her laundry, and taking her to the sprint store to replace her blackberry which got wet and died.
so we upgraded her to the i phone (she's in love with it) and we upgraded my dad to a phone with big buttons.
so early merry christmas to both of them.
$208 at the sprint store, but i have to buy stamps to send a $50 rebate.
she had my number until sunday afternoon and i'm still getting texts and calls from her college buddies.
i did her laundry, picked up her prescription and we bought her groceries.

saturday we headed to indiana to great uncle dave's 80th birthday party.
we had to go through richmond to get to hoagland
so we picked up my neice and her boyfriend.
then we went to see my cousins in richmond before we headed to the hog roast.
i spent 8 hours in the car on saturday.
my back still hurts and my ass is still clenched.
but i got to see alot of family that i hadn't seen in 10 years.
and damn, we age well!!!
my cousin gave me the motivation i needed to get my last pounds off,
she reminded me how stubborn we are as a family,
and when we make up our minds to do something we get it done.
so i'm renewed.
great uncle dave is going to hike the grand canyon AGAIN!!!
awesome!
i had cousin tim's homemade BBQ sauce.
boy, did i reqret that around 3AM the next morning.

today was getting gab back to the sprint store so she could get her phone # back and stop using mine.
taking her back to college and unloading her.
a grocery trip for me, eggs, cheese, milk, fruit, veggies and soup.
i am focused and driven to meet by goal by my 39th birthday (nov. 28th)
my goal was to be under 200 LBS (199) but now I want 195, i have 10 pounds!!!
I did 2 miles walking friday night, saturday before we left, and today after i got back from dropping off the kid.

i'm focusing on myself and my health.
if the naughty neighbor comes around we will see what happens.
he's lived with his little bunny since feb. and we started are fucking around in early august.
she said it's like dating herself and it's so normal, i almost yawned.
i asked isn't that boring and she said there's enough twist that it's okay.
he and i have such passion and chemistry, it's a damn shame we aren't exploring that on a regular basis.
but i can't get wrapped around this and let it consume me.
i do deserve better.
i jokingly told her about when gab asked if scott and i were having sex cuz i patted him on the shoulder
and i told her no, you'll get my ass kicked by his woman.
and she laughed and said i know that wouldn't happen.
like he wouldn't cheat on her or he just wouldn't cheat with me???
i am offended.
she has no fucking clue that he comes down here and we fuck around.
NONE. if she's that fucking clueless she deserves it.
she went on and on on how if he cheated or wanted an open relationship she'd be gone.
after i get what i want she might just get an ear full.

Migraine Free Friday

woke up migraine free and slept thru the night as well. this has been a good friday for me.
picked the kid and one of her friends up from college so she could go to the doctor.
it's a lot of driving, so i saw scott was home and stopped up to see if the kid could take a look at his car that he's selling.
i don't want to shell out the money and she not want it.
he was all scruffy, i was like focus focus, not on the sex, but on the car, so hard.
he was tired cuz he had to drive a truck last night and he's been up over 24 hours straight.
i told him i had done nearly 48 hours with no sleep this past week so i feel for him.
he showed the kid the car and she likes it.
she has to practice driving a stick down at college on this boy's truck.
i told him i could buy it by the end of the year.
i have to save up the money.
it's not a lot, but it's a lot to come up with at one time.

i'm going to haul the kids back to college then i'm coming home and relaxing!!!
happy friday every one!

Happy to Be not Expecting Anything

I love not being pregnant. Yes, babies are cute. Yes, kids are funny. But i did that, been there, mine is 20 years old and out the door, PRAISE JESUS!!!

I love children, but I really love them when they aren't mine. I can't imagine starting over with the midnight feedings, the stinky green gooey diaper changes, the drool, the potty training. The puberty years. I hate the puberty years. I hated mine. I hated my kids. I think puberty is hell on earth.

I have a grand dog, sophie the puggle, and she's all the baby i want ever again!

i got all these men sniffing around me. I've lost 8 more pounds. My body is morphing into a shape it hasn't been in since college.
i want a man to love, to hold, to rub my back and laugh when i fall over for the first time and then the 100th time. I fall alot!!!
if i could find a man that can be honest without being mean and has a sense of humor that would be great.
i enjoy simple stuff, watching a movie, running around the house, even vacuuming can be fun if you try to make up song and dance while you are doing it.
FYI on that, don't use the cord like a whip, it comes out of the plug and that just ruins the moment.

yes, i dance around naked.
yes, i can't pronounce femininity and about 100 other words.
yes, i'm crazy.
yes, i'm moody.

but i'm an all or nothing person.
when i love a man i give it my all.
so why is it so hard to capture that and hold it together in pretty picture frame?

Enjoying the Peace and Quiet

yesterday was busy all morning. got the kid moved in to her dorm. she found out there's no cable. her roommate didn't move in until today.
my neice looks better. she's stilil really really weak. it could take her months to get her strenght back. but she's feeling better. we talked alot about what has been happening with her. she's got a bright future, it's sad she let her ex cloud her thinking to the point where she could not see it.
but i have high hopes she's ready to move on and forward to bigger and better people, things, and blessings.

celebrated the empty house by dancing around in the nude. after a half hour i got cold and put a some clothes on. but i enjoyed and reveled in the moment. went to the grocery and got lots of healthy food. grapes, strawberries, carrots, celery, whole wheat bread, lean turkey, and still walked 2 miles. it was a productive day.
today not so much. i only had until 2pm to do whatever i wanted to do then i had to work.

took the dog to the dog park. walked me 3 miles. came home, cleaned a little then it was time to sign on :( and even as i write this, i'm still logged onto work, i'm waiting for the patches to be installed to fix a problem we've had with weights and volumes on shipments showing correctly in the system. then after that, hopefully, i will be able to start all the jobs back up and get off the work computer.

i'm excited. the weight loss is going well. the kid is off doing her own thing. even though i'm alone, i'm not sad about it. life is good right now.

The Big Day

tomorrow is my kid's big day. she goes back off to college after one year off due to financial difficulties. she is excited, packed, and ready to roll in the morning.
i love her and want her to succeed. i am being supportive. these are big changes, last time she spent a year away at college i didn't do much with my life. i sat around the house and watched tv. that's not an option for me this time.

now i'm losing weight, feeling great, single and ready to mingle. i'm getting out and talking to people. next saturday i hope to go out with some neighbors and have a drink or two. i have to relearn how to have fun with adults and have an adult conversation. i've been a full time mom as long as i've been an adult. i was so depressed the first year she went away, but i'm not depressed anymore.

i'm going to seize this day and all the days after it. life is too short to pine for what could have been.

i will begin dating on sunday. watch out, i'm going out!!!

Holding my breath

i feel suspended in mid-air like my life is getting ready to take a giant leap forward.
my kid is off to school on Saturday. i am dating again.

i feel like i've been holding my breath waiting for the perfect moment to exhale,
but there's never been a perfect moment for me.

work is crazy right now, but i don't feel drained.
there's a fire in me now.
i feel invigorated.
i didn't know exercise could have such an impact on my emotions.
the walking is progressing and i'm challenging myself more.
i'm adding wii thursday - monday 30 minutes a day to tone and strengthen me.

when i go to bed at night i'm exhausted, but from having my muscles worked.
i'm not depresssed anymore.
i feel accomplished and content.

i don't know what tomorrow will bring but i'm excited instead of scared.
i am really loving my life right now.

the blister!!!

well walking is out the window. i put the blister bandage over my expanding blister so i could walk around with the kid at her new school for orientation and registration. i thought it was doing okay. we walked alot.

i get home and go to take the bandage off and check the blister and the bandage had melted into the blister. I had to painfully pull off what i could and the blister came off with it. then i had to cut off the rest for easily to get the rest of the bandage off, but all the skin came off with it.

now i am in alot of pain and the bottom of my foot is red and raw. it is starting to burn and throb alot. and of course, it is a friday so the doctor is closed until monday.

i will just have to suck it up and keep my foot up all weekend. at least my kid is still home for 3 weeks to take care of me. but only if i threaten to not give her any extra money when she goes to school. yup, she really really does not care that i hurt.

whenever i try to do right or good, it always comes back around to hurt me in some way!!!!

worry not my daughter

my kid is definitely going back to school in september!!!
what good news for her and me!
she got her acceptance letter for her program and next friday she takes her placement test.
we send in her deposit for a dorm room tomorrow!

i will have a calm quiet and peaceful house when september ends.

i am feeling better today, but still did not sleep well.
lots of up and down and my left side still hurts.
i only walked one mile yesterday.
i'm going to push for two miles today.

my couch gets fixed today, yipee!!!
life is good.

pay day friday's are supposed to be happy days

i'm so depressed. there has been no solution to the college shortage of funds. looks like my daughter will have to withdraw from college on monday. and to make matters worse i bounced a check, i thought it had cleared, i checked it off and everything, i must of got it confused with another check. i am a financail train wreck!

my daughter is going to spend a week with her grandma next week. there are job openings at the hospital in nutrition and the cafeteria that are entry level. her aunt works at the hospital so i am hoping her aunt can guide her through the application process. she has to get a job and work and save so she can get back to school. it might not be a 4 year place, but start at a 2 year and build up. she wants it all and she wants it now and it's just falling to pieces.

i feel bad that i can't afford to send her to college for another year, but my finances took a serious beating the last 4 years. i was laid off 3 times in 4 years and 2 of them were in the same year. i'm still paying for defaults and such from those times. we just can't catch a break!

i really want to have a good weekend. please let me get some good news soon.

running out of options

the deadline for gab to head back to college is fast approaching and i'm worried that we won't have the money for her to go. the financial burden is double what the fafsa said it would be. even with the extra money from my parent plus loan being rejected, the amount i need to come up with is a thousand dollars more then last year, plus books, plus expenses. i just don't think we will be able to cut it.

i have to call the school again and see where they are on the parent plus loan application. my terrible credit is really biting my kid's future in the ass right now. i had no concept of what credit was in college, so i took every credit card i was offered. i had to file bankruptcy within a year after graduation.

i limped along. and things were somewhat better when the layoff's started. 3 times in 2 years. the credit cards got maxed out, then i couldn't pay them, then they defaulted and now i'm being garnished to pay them off. and my credit is worse then it has ever been. i had hoped she could take out a private loan on her own, but she has no credit, so they wouldn't give it to her. she needs a co-signer. unfortunately, the entire family has suffered the last couple of years and no one has the credit score needed to co sign with her.

i hate to think she has to give up her dream or even alter it's course, but i'm running out of options. even if she gets a job on campus that will only cover expenses, not tuition. i barely paid the bill last year, if it hadn't been for a big tax return, i'd still owe the school money. i'm praying for a miracle and hoping for one too, but with our luck, she'll have to drop out, and get a real job, and work and save to go back after a year off. she hates the idea, but as i told her, life doesn't always go the way you want it too.

who said strange is wonderful

my life has been buzzing along with quite a bit of strange lately. and it just has me baffled more then anything. the weird late phone calls, emails from people that say they know me, but they don't. it's like some conspiracy to drive me crazy. but that's such a short trip for me i don't even need to pack a bag.

i made gab unplug from technology for a whole hour last night. no tv, cell, or internet. we sat on me bed and talked about stuff that needed talked about. college expenses are going through the roof and we are not wealthy people, nor is anyone we know or related to even well off. the hard reality is this good be her last year at college in Kentucky. i just can't keep shelling out several thousands of dollars every year on her schooling. i'm still paying off my student loans. she might have to readjust her dream. and switch to an in-state less expensive school for her 4 year. and get a part time job near campus that can be full time in the summers.

no one would hire her this summer because they are a huge # of applicants that can work all year round. and alot of older people that are more responsible that normally wouldn't work at places like fast food or little mall shops are now in the job market because of the crappy economy. i am in constant fear of being laid off myself. you never know when the axe will fall these days, no matter how hard you work or what a good job you do.

it's a hard pill for her to swallow. she really likes her school and i like it too because it's small and cozy and i feel she is safe there, but unless there is a drastic positive change in our finances i am afraid she will have to transfer to somewhere not so expensive and far away.

Home Sweet Home

My Baby G is home!!!! Yesterday was exhausting!!!! It's an 8 hour round trip drive to Louisville and back. I call it a back killing and butt numbing trip. The few car accidents that got in the way didn't help the timing either. And it taking 2 hours to load her up and clean her dorm room was an hour more then I had anticipated.

She hadn't vacuumed her dorm room since December. It was so gross!!! I emptied the vacuum extra large "bucket" 4 times!!! I did find 11 cents though. My Dad really out did himself, he rocks!!! He hauled all the heavy stuff down all those stairs, including the fridge. The dorm fridge she bought was alot bigger then I thought it would be. She said she had to get the big one because it was the only one that had a freezer big enough for her jumbo back of chicken nuggets. My kid LOVES her chicken nuggets even at 19!!!

She's sound asleep still and it's after 11AM. All her stuff is in the garage. It is not going to put itself away and I am certainly not going to unpack her. She's a woman now and she's got to do things for herself. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Now if I can just get her to pass her driver's test she'll almost be all grown up. Wish me luck with that one.

The Final Countdown

I'm so excited!!!! 24 hours from now my daughter will be home from her freshman year of college. It's an 7 hour round trip from here to Louisville, not to mention the ton of stairs we have to go up and down to load up all her stuff in Dad's mini-van, but I'm still so excited to be seeing her. I haven't seen her since the first week of March.

It's been so depressing not being with her every day. Sometimes she drives me nuts and other times she cracks me up. I get so bored without her. I guess I should've developed hobbies or kept up with friendships while I was raising her so I'd have something to do when she went away to college. But honestly, I thought she was going to a local college and going to live at home or at least be home every weekend.

But she's happy at her college in Louisville and she wants to be a lawyer right now. And more power to her. But she tells me no FREE legal advice. I'm going broke sending her to college and I get no free legal advice when she becomes a lawyer. Like I said she really cracks me up sometimes.