Summer Heat and Money Blues

the heat is getting to everyone.
people are snapping, cranky, and just unpleasant to be around.
i haven't seen my man in over a week.
he's working 70 hour weeks.
since he's not introduced me to his kids i can't see him when he's home with them.
i just miss him and that makes me cranky.
he says tomorrow definitely.
i just hate not being with him more.
i come in third with this one, kids, work and then me.
he says we will spend more time together once i'm pregnant.
that puts a lot of pressure on me to get pregnant.
i'm focusing my excess time into weight loss.
i'm hoping getting my bmi below 30 will help trigger ovulation.
he wants it to happen naturally, no fertility pills to help.
i'm hoping if after 6 months of trying he will change his mind.
we will have to see.
we've only been together 3 months now, so there's even more time ahead of us.

there never seems to be enough lately.
there's not enough money to pay all the bills.
i quit eating out to save money.
of course, the grocery bill went up.
now after nearly two weeks 95% of the food i bought is gone and we still have 2 days until i get paid and can go to the grocery store.

the kid doesn't begin her job until the 2nd week of july.
all she does is sit on her ass, watch tv, play on her laptop and eat.
i think that is the reason why 2 weeks worth of food barely lasted a week and two days.
i have to nag her to do anything else around her.
and nag her i do.

it's been too hot to walk even at 9pm at night.
it is the humidity that bothers me the most.
i hate feeling sticky.
and the next week it is going to very hot and sticky.
so i began my new work out routine, the wii.
an 1/2 hour in the morning and then in the evening.
maybe the kid will join me and she'll get off the couch!

my baby cousin turned 5.
everyone was telling her to make a wish.
she looked at me and asked what a wish was.
i told her it is something you want but don't have.
i told her to wish cousin shannon had a million bucks.
every one laughed.
i told her if she wanted something, like a new doll, or to spend all day in the pool, or to go see grandma, just make a wish, say i wish i had a new doll.
wishes are lucky on birthdays and shooting stars.
i don't think she quite got it, but i tried.
i miss having a little one to explain all those things too.

Neighbors and Drinking

Wow, sat around with some neighbors last night and they were drinking.
I kept telling them I'm NOT drinking because I'm trying to get pregnant.
The guys kept saying on purpose, why!
One of the neighbor woman wants one and she is like i know why.
they are cute, sweet, and adorable!

my friend and neighbor got totally trashed on about 3 glasses of wine.
another neighbor had to fireman then potato sack carry her home.
she texted me like an hour and half later saying she was puking.
this morning she still feels awful and she's NEVER drinking again.
I'll believe that when I see it.
I've said the same thing myself many times.

it's is interesting to be not drinking surrounded by drunk people.
i found it quite entertaining.
glasses got broken, men were hitting each other, woman were crying.
some of the guys almost cried.
inner secrets were being spilled.
it was all very dramatic.
and i remember and they probably don't.

interesting indeed :)

The Turning Point

yesterday was a turning point for he and i.
he came over and just held me and we talked.
we didn't have sex of any kind and i was completely naked!
he told me about his life and what was stressing him out.
he kissed me gently on the lips.
he told me about his boys and what's going on with them.
he told me that i'm a light in his life.

he only stayed 20 minutes. our time is always too short.
but he loves me and he knows i needed to touch him.
i needed to smell him.
i needed to taste him.
all my senses honed into him.
my body quivered at his touch.
he loves how my body responds to him automatically.

it was lovely.
it was romantic.
it was sweet.

maybe i'll get to see him today maybe i won't.
he wanted to make a point yesterday to me.
he told me he wanted me to know that this just isn't sex for him,
that he loves me and wants to be with me all the time.
even though right now he can't be with me more,
he wanted to remind me how much he wishes he could be.

i'm so in love with him.
even though i'm not pregnant now i know with him i will be.
we are building a bond and foundation that can last the test of time.
i've never been in love like this before.
i love him and he loves me back!
i just can't get over that and how amazing it is!

The First Full Exchange

Last night we exchanged I love you's for the very first time.
There were no i'm falling for you's just straight I love you's.
I told him you know I have fallen head over heels in love with you.
He said I love what an amazing person you are.
I love what a great cock sucker you are.
Oh, hell, who am I kidding, I love you!
Finally he admits what I already knew in my heart to be true, we are in love.

50 days, 7 weeks of passion and falling in love!

I have never felt this in love ever before.
My neighbors say I'm glowing and bouncing around.
I smile all the time.
Every day is just sunshine and happiness.

The pregnancy test was negative and I didn't get depressed over it.
I was a little disappointed but I shook it right off,
because my head whispered we still have him!
He's what is important.
This bond and relationship is what is important.


Before I didn't care who the father of my child was as long as I had the child.
Now I can't imagine any other man being the father of my baby.
If we're to ever break up I'd stop trying.
He is perfection to me.
He's insecure sometimes which is cute.
He says when I leave him... I laugh.
It'll be the other way around.
It'll be ten years from now and he'll dump me for a younger model.
We both laugh.

He brings out the very best in me.
I want to make him happy.
He wants to make me happy.
He loves and respects me.

Wow, this is the real deal!

I had given up.
And now I have my reward for all the past suffering I've done in relationships gone wrong.
I finally have a man who loves me back as much as I love him!!!!!

Thank you God!!!!

More Strange Dreams

i'm having the worst and weirdest dreams of my life.
i'm not sleeping well at all.
today i have the worst sinus headache ever.

last night i dreamed my cell phone rang and it showed it was my dad.
i pick it up and say hi dad.
then a woman begins to yell at me.
what r u doing with him?
you'll never keep a man if you keep giving them what they want.

i'm like who is this.
this is your mother.
i'm like but your dead.
seriously who is this and where's my dad.
she yells at me, just because i'm dead doesn't give you the right to not listen to me anymore.
i raised you to be better then how you're behaving.
if you'd taken my advice you'd be married and have a couple of kids.
what kind of example are you setting for my granddaughter.

then she hangs up.

i call back, it rings for forever then goes to a machine.
i call back a couple more times same thing.
so i call my brother who lives nearby.
i told him some crazy lady is in dad's house pretending to be our mother.
you need to go check on dad.
my brother says she called me too.
so he heads over to dad's house while i call my brother who is out of state
and he says the same nut job called to yell at him too.

my brother who went to check on my dad calls me.
tells me he found dad unconscious on the floor with the phone in his hand.
so i rush home.
dad is in the hospital he had a heart attack.
can this dream get any worse at this point!

we tell the police about the phone calls from the woman calling herself our mom.
they pull the phone records.
they happened right around the time of dad's heart attack.
we go into to see dad, he's in critical condition.
he's conscious but barely.
we ask him who the crazy lady was and if she attacked him.
he said it was your mom, she made me dial the phone so she could talk to you guys once more.
and boy she was pissed.
then he dies!

i wake up crying...
i really need to find out why i'm having these dreams.

the new guy sexually satisfies me.
i have no complaints there.
but his time is limited.
it's just sex.
so i think i know this too will blow up in my face.
my dreams are just trying to tell me that.
i just wish i'd frappin' ovulate so he could get me pregnant.

Playing and Losing

Easter was a non event. Holidays aren't the same with the kid all grown up.
I had my nieces over the weekend and took them to a Columbus Crew Soccer game.
They really liked it.
I had no idea what was going on.
Soccer to me was always just an excuse for my brother's to kick me.
I told them I was just watching the pretty boys run around.
They thought that was funny.

The kid is back at the dorms.
I'm back to work.
And I'm back to waiting on a man!

Why do I do this to myself?
It's like I enjoy the pain or something.
I want love but I pick the worst men to give it to me.
This one constantly talks about putting his seed me.
And how he'd love me to carry his child.
I'm confused, because he tells me he likes the idea of me being pregnant with his child,
but he doesn't want me to get actually pregnant!

I sure can pick him!

He's an alpha male which I love that, but he's another one that toys with me.
He enjoys that I want him and he controls when I get him.
We've not had sex for almost a week and a half now.
He's got kids at home, a busy job, a hectic schedule
and I have all this time to just sit around and think about him.

I'm on my own way too much.
But at least this one gives me orgasms!

Depression makes me fat

i've gained nearly 7 pounds since last week when i lost the baby.
i've fallen into a crippling depression.
i'm always going to bed.
if i'm not in bed i'm eating.
i eat everything and anything.
i'm not even hungry.
it is like i'm trying to fill up the emptiness inside of me.

physically i feel better.
all the yucky bleeding and cramping has stopped.
next week i go to the doctor to see if it is all okay
and to find out when i can start to try to get pregnant again.
but emotionally i'm a wreck.
i know this is a deep depression.
i've been through this before several times.
i don't want to go back on medications to get out of this.
if i'm on meds i can't try to get pregnant.

i didn't realize how much i wanted another baby until i found out i was pregnant.
and now that i've lost the baby all i want is to try again.
i really need to focus on having a baby.
i need to find my motivation again.
i've been kicked down but i can't stay down.
this is my pep talk to myself.
pull yourself up shannon irene and get back on that horse.

you are pretty.
you are smart.
you are awesome.

you know all 3 men (excluding my father) have told me i'm pretty my whole life.
the kid's dad, my ex-fiance brian and scott.

bret told me that there's was nothing about me, face or body that would make him look twice.
it was because he remembered me and my personality from high school that he started talking to me.
he said i was such a happy go lucky person when we were in high school.
that was such a long time ago.
like scott said, we are only small pieces of the people we used to be.
my demons have eaten a huge amount of the happiness i used to have.

happiness, we are guaranteed the pursuit of it in the u.s. constitution
and this nation pursues happiness with a vengance,
but we are more depressed, medicated and fatter then ever.
i think we are all failing on a huge scale to keep the happiness we find.
i bet alot of people are like me.
i think i know what makes me happy so i go after it, get it,
and it either bores me, or it wasn't what i had thought it would be.
then i'm not happy anymore.

i think we are a nation of discontents.
we are all children running around in a candy store.
or a bunch of bulls running loose in a china shop.
i can't carry happiness when i'm being crushed by my infinite sadness.
i want to be happy, but i want to be happy all the time.
and nothing is 100% all the time on.

it hurts to know that scott will reject me again and again.
it hurts to know that i'm never going to be me again.
but i have to go forward because going back is never an option.

I Hate Owing Money

scott says there's no chance in hell he's the father.
that is most excellent news.
the paternity test bret wants should hold no surprises.
now i just have to twiddle my thumbs until august when the baby gets here.

i feel better now knowing it isn't scott's baby.
the whole situation with him lately has not good.
but sex only has never been something i've been good at.
i have too many emotions to not get emotionally attached to a man.
i'm not in love with him, but i do care about him.
i feel bad i haven't been able to pay him off for the jeep.

i bring home net what he makes gross but i never have any money.
i poorly manage my money.
i excel at spending it, but i can never hold on to it.
i will try to give him 200 bucks a paycheck until he's paid off.
and he really swears he's done with me now.

i should apologize for being such a bitch.
i don't think he deserved it.
i just feel bad for his live in girlfriend.
she thinks they are getting married and living happily ever after.
and if he's not having sex with me it will only be a matter of time before he fucks someone else.
he's a man whore, he said it himself.

i hate owing him money, i feel like he has power over me while i do.
i hate that i gave him so much control.
i handed myself to him on a silver platter and i didn't know all the rules.
the only person i should be angry with is myself.
i hate to share.

bret totally went off on me too.
i don't need this crap right now.
i want a paternity test.
if it's my baby i'll live with u and take care of the baby,
but that doesnt' make us a couple.

why do i only want to be with men that only want to have sex with me?

scott - has a live in girlfriend.

bret - is still hung up on lynn

my ex husband - i wasn't a man

his brother - i wasn't his wife nor the mother of his children

ron - i wasn't his mother

i always fall in love with men that cannot love me back.
but this baby will love me and i will love this baby with everything i have.
this will probably be my last child, this is it.
i have to be super mom to this kid.
i will matter to this baby.
i have a purpose again!

The Mood Swing Revolution

gab and i got in a huge fight saturday night and sunday.
over the fact i gave away a poster on her wall to the neighbor teenager.
i had to get the poster back.
she admits she overreacted and i admit i should respect her space and not give her stuff away.
it gave me a headache.

she said u r so moody, it's scary, it's like your pregnant or something.
i stormed out and went out to buy a pregnancy test.
i waited until gab left and took the test.
it was positive.
so i must of taken the one on the 11th too soon.
so i'm back to whose the daddy, bret or scott?

i've been trying to process this.
i told scott on fb, coward i know, but then i deleted the message like an hour later.
i don't know what to do.
i have an ob/gyn appt. on feb 10th.
i want the baby to be bret's.
can i just do that?

my boobs hurt, i'm nauseated and i want a small chocolate milk shake and a big mac!!!
then i want to take an egg roll and dip it in the big mac sauce.
yeah, i'm pregnant.

scott says if i finish paying him off he won't ever speak to me again.
that's good right.
then bret can be daddy and he will marry me and we will live...
who am i kidding, unless i'm having a boy, i'm screwed.
sometimes i feel like i live in india, china, or the middle east
both men in my life want boys.

maybe i should make up some 3rd men and pin the baby on him.
and just go it alone.
is that selfish???

when do they go back to school?

my kid is a one person destruction crew.
she brought the crutches in from the garage and threw them behind the couch, wtf???
she said it was so if there was a bug on the ceiling she wouldn't have to get up to kill it.
i am cranky, tired, and short fused.
i lost it.
i told her if she keeps moving shit around i will break one of her protruding body parts so she'll NEED the crutches!!!
it's bad enough she keeps knocking the baby Jesus down in the nativity scene by putting her crap on the table,
when does she go back to school, NOT SOON ENOUGH!!!

i can't live with her anymore.
she's rude, disrespectful, lazy, messy and just a bitch every time she comes home.
she thinks she knows everything.
she takes over the t.v. and i want to listen to music.
why can't she disappear into her room like the old days, unseen and unheard.
those days were nice, i liked them, i enjoyed them!!!

i did not sleep well.
i think i punched myself in the eye last night.
i've had spasms in my left eye all day and it's been watering and it hurts a little.
i feel so old.
i've had to wear my glasses all day.
i had bad bad dreams.
i dreamed i told scott i was pregnant and he beat the shit out of me until i miscarried.
extreme concept right, he seems like an alright guy.

but i couldn't keep the thought of him beating the crap out of me out of my head.
so i googled him and he has domestic violence charges from his first marriage.
he had to do probation and domestic violence classes in FL for a year.
so he can be violent.
he was in his 20's and now he's in his 40's so hopefully he's mellowed.
but he did threaten to kill me if i didn't deny our sexual encounters.

i am discombobulateed between the previous sentence and this one scott knocked on the door.
blow job, private part rubbing, making out, dry humping, back to sexual frustration for one!!!
told him about my dream, he thought it was stupid
and then he kissed me, he is a really GREAT kisser!!!

disappointment and hockey

the pregnancy test was negative. so i'm bummed. i guess i'll just keep trying.
lucky for me scott can't keep it in his pants.
he wants to use my garage to work on one of his cars.
he kept saying i want to park something of mine in your garage.
annoying and totally immature which is so scott.

me, dad, and the kid went to a columbus blue jackets game last night.
we were in the first row, which was awesome.
my dad had a really great time.
got the tickets and parking pass free from work.
thank goodness we took Lucille, dad's gps with us.
downtown columbus is a mess, with tons of closed exits.
lucille got us there and back though.

i invited scott and his son, but his little bunny had laser eye surgery,
and she can only see out of one eye.
so he needed to be the good boyfriend and take care of her.
sucks to be a committed relationship.
he never tells her he loves her.
i don't think i could live with a guy that never says i love you.
she's got blinders on.
he's going to destroy her.
i just want to have sex with him and make a baby.
the only one that doesn't know he's a liar and a cheater is her.
she's so stupid!!!
but love does that to you.

hope springs eternal

i had sex with bret early am yesterday and his sperm can last 2-3 days so i'm hoping that's enough to fertilize and conceive. i hope i hope i hope!

but i'm trying to get scott to kick in a donation for a safety net.
but considering i've confessed that i've told people about him i don't know if he's in play anymore.
i never realized getting a horny man whore to have sex with me would be so difficult.
that's what i get for lying.
i wish i wouldn't lie, but i really really want one more kid.
so i came clean about everything but being on birth control.
sad right, but i'm really in a spot.
i'm 39 it's now or never in my book.

i'm not a good person.
i'm not going to pretend that what i'm doing has some sort of justification.
it's wrong to dup these men.
especially since i care about them.
there's no moral ground to stand on for this.
and if it fails miserably i deserve it.
but i really love being a mom and i miss having a little one.
i should have had more then just one kid.
i kept waiting for the perfect situation and it doesn't exist.
so i'm taking lemons and trying to make some lemonade.

may the men forgive me and God have mercy on my soul.

The Internet took a nap this morning

wow, my internet went down for like 20 minutes. i was in a panic. i was thinking i forgot to pay the bill. i was going to have to drive into the office. then it just came back, after turning everything off and unplugging the cable from the wall for 30 seconds and then rebooting. i can't function without the internet. i miss it. i work from home using it three days a work. i google everything!!!! the internet has become an extremely critical piece of my life. my dad doesn't have it, so i know you can live without it, but not when you're a computer programmer, that just doesn't work!!!

friday got even worse. scott never showed or facebooked me to tell me he wasn't going to show. so i got really depressed and wee bit angry at him. i just want him to follow through. if he tells me he's coming over then come over, even if it's a minute! or at least facebook me and tell me you can't make it. he frustrates the crap out of me. i ignored him intentionally when i saw him out saturday working on his car, i wouldn't even make eye contact with him or his little bunny. i did send the kid up there to ask about when we are switching titles on the car and he said he'd come down and talk about it later. i told my kid to not hold her breath cause you can't believe a word out of his mouth. he's a liar and cheater. i know all that and i still want him to fuck me. i figure his sperm is the best shot i got at getting pregnant. he's already got 7 kids so i know he's loaded and fully able to produce a child. and he's not a bad guy, he's just a selfish irresponsible snake in the grass and aren't most men that have that many kids with 6 different women always like that. i don't want to marry him, i just want him to help me reproduce. much more fun then a sperm bank or a turkey baster

well i think my ignoring him bothered him, so he came down twice on sunday while she was home and we screwed around again. this time there was penetration though, so that's progress. he says there's things he wants to do to me that he doesn't think i'm ready for. he is rough and dominate. that's different for me. usually with sex i'm the aggressive one. so it's nice to let him be the boss. but i am breaking my one rule, letting a man have control over me or dominion so to say. but when he touches me the world exists in only one plane and there's only one thought and it's so amazing and beautiful the way i can just feel him in me and on me. like heaven!!! and he smells so good and tastes wonderful. i want to lick every hairy inch of his sexy beastness. but i digress.

the car switch over takes place saturday nov. 12th. he's worried if the kid wrecks the car i won't give him the rest of the money on dec. 16th. he's really been screwed over in the past by some women and i'm sure he's done his fair share of screwing women over too. i told him that wouldn't be his fault and i'd pay the rest of the money even if she wrecked it. i am a woman of my word!!!

Happy to Be not Expecting Anything

I love not being pregnant. Yes, babies are cute. Yes, kids are funny. But i did that, been there, mine is 20 years old and out the door, PRAISE JESUS!!!

I love children, but I really love them when they aren't mine. I can't imagine starting over with the midnight feedings, the stinky green gooey diaper changes, the drool, the potty training. The puberty years. I hate the puberty years. I hated mine. I hated my kids. I think puberty is hell on earth.

I have a grand dog, sophie the puggle, and she's all the baby i want ever again!

i got all these men sniffing around me. I've lost 8 more pounds. My body is morphing into a shape it hasn't been in since college.
i want a man to love, to hold, to rub my back and laugh when i fall over for the first time and then the 100th time. I fall alot!!!
if i could find a man that can be honest without being mean and has a sense of humor that would be great.
i enjoy simple stuff, watching a movie, running around the house, even vacuuming can be fun if you try to make up song and dance while you are doing it.
FYI on that, don't use the cord like a whip, it comes out of the plug and that just ruins the moment.

yes, i dance around naked.
yes, i can't pronounce femininity and about 100 other words.
yes, i'm crazy.
yes, i'm moody.

but i'm an all or nothing person.
when i love a man i give it my all.
so why is it so hard to capture that and hold it together in pretty picture frame?

Rainy Monday's Just Suck

it is another monday, and it is pouring rain. so i think i will be working out today on the wii.
a pregnancy test was negative, yipee!!!
if i still haven't started next week, i'll take one more just to be sure.
but i am relieved not to be pregnant.
my body i think is just adjusting to all the healthy eating, exercising, and running around i am doing.

i walked 5 miles yesterday. the dog walked 3 of it with me at the dog park.
my house is clean.
my laundry is down.
i watched Heathers and National Treasure yesterday.
i read my scriptures.

i tried to take some video of a goat that was running around our apt. complex on saturday, but i didn't hit the right buttons.
Sophie, the puggle, hates goats!

don't aske my why there was a goat in our apt. complex, i don't know where the goat came from, i don't know why it was loose.
it was shear chaos and i had to ask myself out loud, was that a goat that just ran by!!!
it was short, black, and had huge curled horns.
again, the dog, hated it and was going nuts barking, growling, just freaking out.
a kid caught it and helped it's owners take it back to their car (who drives around with a goat in a little honda car???)
and sophie normally loves this kid, he went to pet her, stinking of the goat, and sophie barked and growled at him.
i thought she was going to bite him.
i told him i don't think she knows it is you, since you reek of the goat.
the owner's gave the kid $20 for catching the goat.

still baffled over it tho, i see some weird shit around here!!!

Got me some Blues!

i am depressed today. i think i might be pregnant. that would definitely be a shocking surprise. i've been nauseated alot and i went to make a ham sandwich the other day and the ham grossed me out and i puked. now i can't eat meat at all, i can't even look at it. i was like that when i was preggers with my 20 year old with eggs.

so i'm suddenly a vegatarian and worried that i'm preganant. i will test this sunday and if i am i am. i know bret will freak. it's not like i was trying to get pregnant. thank goodness the neighbor guy and i never had sex. i swear i would never be one of those woman that don't know who the father of her baby was.

maybe it's nerves or something. i'm so tired too. and i walk but i don't get any energy from it. i just need to remain calm. i'll test this sunday and next and if i'm still late, but the tests say i'm not pregnant, i go for my yearly woman doctor visit the end of october.

baby stuff is too cute tho.

another ache to add to the monday pain

i slept on my shoulder wrong saturday into sunday. i could not find the proper otc med and/or ice/heat combo to make it better. so i thought, i will sleep on my right side instead of my left. it started out okay, but this morning i woke up on the sore shoulder. i am a left side sleeper! isn't weird how you sleep on a certain side of the bed (right for me) and then you sleep in a certain position (left side) without even thinking about it?!

when i was young i slept on my stomach all the time, but being pregnant at 17 broke me of that and ever since i've slept on my left side. it doesn't matter what sleeping position i start in, i wake up on my left side and i'm right handed so it makes no sense to me at all. so my shoulder hurts and aches, like i need another pain on top of my usual fms ones.

i am beginning to smell like icy hot even when i don't have any one. icy hot, ben gay, therma care patches, and ice packs when those don't work. i am on savella and it has helped a little, but when i hurt, nothing helps and it just sucks, plus it is a Monday!

but thus is my life and it could be worse, right!?

My Baby Girl turned 20 years old today!

My daughter is 20 years old going on 5! She's no longer a teenager. She only has her permit to drive. She doesn't have a job. She's not enrolled in college, and she sleeps all day and plays on her computer all night.

Pro's, she's not pregnant, drinking booze, whoring around, or addicted to drugs.

I think I'll take lazy over crack whore any day.

Love my baby!!!